Before I Wake

It was a crisp afternoon, the wind causing the tree leaves to sway in a peaceful manner, easing some of the ache still present in my heart. The sky was a clear and vivid blue, with a few scattered clouds moving lazily across its large expanse. I had been walking for some time now, but, I hardly seemed to notice, my feet carrying me to the one destination I had been eager to see.

I had thrown my hair into a messy bun, slipped on a pair of tight black jeans and a grey, long sleeved shirt before slipping on my favorite flats, grabbed my purse and heading out the door, leaving the already empty house, my father spending most of his time at work. I spared myself a quick glance in the hallway mirror before making my way out, regretting it immediately.

Dull and disgustingly sick would be efficient words to describe my state. My eyes no longer held the shine they once did, instead being replaced with a dull ache and empty stare. I had lost a considerable amount of weight and could no longer seem to hold anything down. I honestly don't even remember the last time I had a full meal. I grew sick just thinking about it and placed my hand across my mouth to quell the nausea that had suddenly presented itself.

My steps had gone from rapid, eager to arrive at my destination, to a snail's pace within a matter of time, the extent of where I was going dawning on me. I had been out of the hospital for about two weeks and Dr. Kyle had said that fresh air would be good for me after having spent so much time strapped down to a bed with needles jabbed in my arms.

To say I was tired was an understatement, but, I wanted to make the most of the time not spent at the hospital. Daily activities had become a chore and I literally spent most of my days sleeping and cuddling with my stuffed kitty, Buzz. I had no energy to do much else, other than read and watch re-runs of Friends.

I let out a small sigh, running my shaking hands through my thin hair, the chemo's effect clearly having an impact on me. I rounded a corner, looking for the tall-tell sign that I had reached my destination and immediately laid eyes on the large, granite sign, causing my heart to jump into my throat.

All Faiths Memorial Park

I stopped for a moment, understanding that I could walk away now and act as though I hadn't walked all this way and simply turned around and scurried home, unwilling to face my demons. I let out a scoff, wishing it were that easy. Yeah, right.

I mumbled a few choice words under my breath, urging myself forward one step at a time before I finally found myself past the large structure and inside the park, headed toward a familiar patch of ground.

Left, left, right, past the willow tree, and near the elm with the bench underneath.

I followed this path instinctively, not realizing I had been thinking these directions without trying. Within time, I found myself standing above a small block of stone embedded into the ground, intricate writing decorating its cover.

Daniela Marie Thomas
Devoted mother and wife.
Gone from our home, but, not our hearts.

I ran a hand across my face, shaking my head before letting out a small chuckle at the irony of it all; a dying daughter staring down at her dead mother's grave. Nothing gets better than that.

I placed myself near the stone, tired from my journey and if I was being honest, my knees had grown weak the moment I set foot into this place. The wind picked up slightly, throwing loose strands of hair into my face and I felt my gaze drift down toward the remnants of my mother, the sun casting shadows across the stone's surface.

"It's been while, yeah?" I whispered, suddenly nervous. Why? I hadn't the slightest clue, she couldn't hear me after all. I felt, odd. Out of place, somehow.

"I didn't even bring you flowers," I mumbled, feeling stupid for not bringing something to brighten her grave. I let out an aggravated sigh, regretting making this venture in the first place. I had no idea what I was even doing here.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, just listening to the breeze sway the tree leaves around me, their movements and sound easing me into a deep relaxation. I had closed my eyes a long while ago, having placed myself onto my back next to her grave, the grass tickling my skin.

"Wish you could feel this, mom," I whispered after an extended silence. "The grass is tickling my skin and it reminds me of you." I opened my eyes softly, casting my gaze toward the stone, wishing only to hear her reply. Something. Anything.

"I'm dying and I'm terrified. I don't know what to do," I trailed off, my voice suddenly becoming harsh. My emotions had been so up and down these past few months, it came as no surprise that tears welled up in my eyes, making their way down my thin cheeks, hitting the ground with a soft, thump.

"I have so much I want to do, so many things I want to see, and yet, here I am. Dying." I let out a dry laugh, the tears flowing freely now. I rolled on to my stomach, not bothering to wipe the tears from my eyes, instead focusing my attention on my mother.

"Were you scared, mom? Did you know your time was coming to an end?" I was met with nothing but a soft breeze, which sent chills down my body. I closed my eyes painfully, my mother's soft features coming to the forefront of my mind.

I felt as though I was drowning, with no way to save myself. I had come so close, breaching the surface and taking a harsh breath of air, only to be pushed back underneath the waves, the water filling my lungs at a rapid pace. But, that couldn't be my fate forever, right? I had to learn to swim at one time or another.

"I miss you," I whispered so softly, I almost didn't hear myself say it. I dragged my hand across her grave, feeling the indentations on its surface, a sad smile adorning my face. Another breeze tickled my skin and I felt myself smile for the first time in a long time, feeling as though this breeze had my mother's touch.

My sudden peace was broken by the blaring ring of my cell phone from inside of my purse, having thrown it down once I had made myself comfortable. I let out a sigh before reaching forward, still on my stomach and snatched my purse from in front of me.

After digging around for a few moments, I came upon the device and quickly hit the green button before placing it near my ear, not bothering to check the caller id.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice monotone. I heard some shuffling on the other end and I furrowed my brows in confusion. Had someone butt-dialed me? I took the phone from my ear and threw a quick look at the screen, seeing if I recognized the number.

Southern Love

"Shit," I mumbled, recognizing the caller as Dr. Kyle. I threw another quick, "hello," into the device, finally being met with her voice on the other end.

"Alaine?" She asked, her voice soft. I felt my heart accelerate, my tears having been forgotten as a new fear presented itself. Why was she calling? Was something wrong? Was something possibly going right?

"Yes?" I whispered, my voice growing soft. I held my breath as I waited for her reply, feeling a sense of urgency within my bones. Something was most definitely not okay.

I heard her clear her throat for a moment, clearly trying to figure out a way to say whatever it is she had on her mind. I let out an aggravated sigh, my previous peace having been forgotten as I raised myself up off the ground, brushing off whatever grass had decided to join me in my journey.

"Just spit it out," I snapped, not wanting to wait any longer. I was now pacing near my mother's grave, not wanting to leave the comfort of it quite yet.

"Your cancer has progressed and I'm afraid we are going to have to proceed with the next form of treatment and perform the hysterectomy. I'm so sorry, we did-"

I heard no more as my world was nothing but a blur and my knees went out from underneath me and the tears poured down my face. No, no, no.

I had tried to convince myself that I wasn't drowning, but, let me tell you I am.