Before I Wake

"What do you mean the cancer has progressed?" He snarled, his voice bouncing around the room.

My body began to register where I was, though everything was currently black and the only thing I could hear some quiet shuffling, nervous feet looking for something to do, anything but stand there and face the wrath of whomever's voice was filled with such venom.

"Mr. Thomas-", she began, her voice small and mousy. She was quickly interrupted, his voice booming over their own.

"You're supposed to be helping her, not causing her to lose something she can never fucking get back!" A loud crashing reverberated throughout the room, causing her to let out a shriek of surprise.

My senses were slowly returning to me; the tingling feeling at the ends of my fingertips, the incessant beeping of the heart monitor, the powerful smell of cleaning products, and the deep and sorrowful feeling of something lost, something I could not currently place.

Oh, that's right.

I forced my eyes open slowly, the bright light of the hallway beaming into the room, casting a painful glare across the tile. My gaze fell upon two figures; my father, suit and hair disheveled and fists clenched and the small, terrified nurse, her hands slightly shaking. My father, a cat backed into a corner, was lashing out at anything and everything he could get his claws into.

An unrecognizable sound escaped my lips and their attention quickly snapped toward me, currently forgetting the mess scattered across the floor.

"Alaine," He whispered, making his way toward me. I was still in a state of confusion as his warm hands trailed through my hair, reminding me of when I was just a little girl, when things were simple.

"Hi, daddy," I croaked, my voice hoarse from its lack of use. I heard him let out a small gasp before he turned his gaze away from me, reaching for a cup of water. I could have sworn I saw his eyes glittering, though, it could have just been my imagination.

I sent him a thankful smile before I downed it quickly, relishing as it slipped down my throat, quenching my dry vocal cords and allowing me to speak normally once more.

"Ms. Thomas," The small nurse spoke once again, her blond hair bouncing in its loose bun as she made her way toward me. My father sent her a glare before stepping aside, burning a hole into her head as he watched her every move. I sent him a knowing look and his gaze suddenly held a little less fury and fire.

"How are you feeling?" She continued, checking my vitals, following the same routine that every nurse and doctor followed.

"Fine, a bit confused. But, otherwise, just dandy." I don't think she caught the sarcasm, due to the fact she sent me a warm smile. I rolled my eyes, I was in no mood.

"You gave your father quite a scare," Her voice suddenly filled with mock worry. My father let out a scoff, crossing his arms in distaste.

"If you don't mind, I would like to speak with Dr. Kyle." I stated, interrupting her act and causing a look of confusion to flash across her face. She gave a curt nod, placing my clipboard to its original position before exiting the room without a word.

"About fucking time she left," I heard him mumble, causing a small laugh to escape my lips. The heavy feeling in my heart lifting just slightly.

His gaze caught mine and it was then that I finally understood how hard this must be on him. The dark bags under his eyes, a permanent frown etched across his features, and his once, bright eyes, now dull. My father, who had already lost the love of his life, now, having no control over the fact he was losing all he had left of her, his daughter.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, ashamed at my behavior. He shook his head, making his way toward me and placing himself on the edge of my bed.

"It's in the past, Alaine," He smiled, causing my downcast gaze to drift upward and return the small gesture. It was as if everything that had happened between, all the bickering, the hurtful words, the animosity over the years, it all just faded away. The prospect of reality hitting us both in the face; I could lose this battle at any moment.

"Though," He continued, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably. I sent him a questioning look, my brows furrowed in confusion, urging him to continue.

"You did give me quite a scare," He murmured, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. I let out a light laugh, amused at how uncomfortable talking about his feelings truly made him. Despite this, I gave him a small nod, placing my hand gently across his.

"I apologize," I smiled softly, the memories beginning to surface from the fog of my mind once more.

My knees were throbbing, the sudden force of falling to them a painful reminder as I clutched my abdomen, the sobs rocking my body. My entire world had suddenly become even crueler, a sick joke, leaving me with nothing but the ringing of its laughter in my ears. I let out a scream, reaching into the depths of my being and bringing out all the rage and anguish, but, still not filling the new void that had suddenly been created.

It was as though there had been a chemical reaction building up inside of me, festering and bubbling over the surface, just waiting to show its true power. I had thought I had it under control, I thought that if I added a base, the chemotherapy, that this reaction would no longer be able to dominate my world. But, it as though someone added a vial of acid, this reaction building to new heights and imploding from within, leaving nothing but a barren landscape in its wake.

The tears were still streaming down my face as I scrambled to reach my phone, having thrust it from my grasp once the words I never wanted to hear were out of her mouth. Snatching the device from deep within the grass, I noticed the screen was black, the call having ended once the cell phone hit the ground.

With shaking hands, punched in a quick text, knowing my voice would not be strong enough to have a conversation. It was difficult just typing in a few letters and numbers, let alone face the person who I haven't spoken to in weeks.

"911. All Faiths Memorial. Please."

I let out a shaky sigh, flicking my fingers across the screen and sending the message to its receiver, all my hope flooding into that one message. I dropped the device at my feet, sitting back and taking a large breath, the sobs having ceased, for the time.

The breeze whipped across my face, causing a shiver to go down my body, no longer holding the warmth I felt just minutes earlier. I slammed my eyes shut once more, too exhausted to hold myself up any longer, instead laying across my mother's grave, the blue sky my window.

I must have dozed off, because I was being violently shaken awake in a moment. My eyes snapped open, connecting with glittering dark orbs and a mane full of auburn hair, looking down at me in worry.

"Chelsea," Her name coming out instinctively. I threw myself up into a sitting position, the sudden force catching me off guard and causing me to become slightly dizzy. My gaze came back into focus as I took in her small figure, her hands placed on her hips and a small scowl adorning her face.

The sudden silence that filled the air around us was too much for me to handle and I quickly stood myself up, dusting off dirt and grass that had traveled with me. I had messaged her in a panic and now that she was here, the rift that had grown between us starting weeks earlier was more present than I had thought.

"You're so fucking infuriating, you know that?" She snapped suddenly, her voice full of irritation. She had every right to be, I had been a complete bitch and yet, here she was, standing here in front of me in my time of need, no questions asked.

"I know," I mumbled, feeling like a child that was being scolded for sneaking a cookie out the jar before dinner. Chelsea often had that effect on everyone, it was one of the things I loved about her most.

"You had absolutely no right to speak to me the way you did," She whispered, hurt lacing her voice. I nodded, willing her to continue.

"You have no idea what I've done and went through for you. You're not the only one hurting you know." Her words confused me and she seemed to notice, her eyes suddenly filling with alarm.

"I know you're not the only one hurting Chelsea," I voice, agitation creeping into it. She narrowed her eyes at me, but, I ignored it, continuing. "But, I am the one who is dying, yeah?"

Chelsea was never one to keep her cool, she had a small fuse and I was well aware of this. I was always well away of when the fuse was lit and being to burn and the look on her face at this moment was telling me that it was about to combust.

"You're so selfish," She snarled, her eyes burning holes into me. I felt my jaw drop at her accusation. Sure, I may have been selfish during some of this entire situation, but, all of it? No fucking way.

While Chelsea had a short fuse, I tend to lack a filter during the most dire times. This happened to be one of those times.

"You were out fucking that low life when my entire world came crumbling down the moment he threw me out of his house! I lost everything!" I screeched, throwing my hands into the air. I was being a bit dramatic, but, words were flying out before I could stop them.

"I was getting raped by that low life you stupid bitch!" She was looking at me with such fury, hurt flashing across her face as the tears began to stream down her face. Chelsea never cried, yet, here she was, telling me the one thing she couldn't tell me weeks before. Her words stopped me cold, similar to the feeling of having ice water thrown on me shocked me to my core.

"Wha-what?" I stuttered, shock written all over my face. The sudden force of her news hit me straight in the gut, causing me to teeter on my feet. I was suddenly incredibly angry, my pain and sorrow from earlier developing into a rage I have never felt before.

"He did what to you?" I seethed, my fury bubbling over. She shook her head violently, her quivering hands covering her mouth, trying to quell the emotions that were overtaking her.

"I just-I didn't-I'm so sorry," She sobbed, looking at me full on, her face streaming with tears as she begged for my forgiveness.

"No, no, no," I practically shouted, throwing myself toward her, all previous animosity having vanished. She said nothing as I threw my arms around her, pulling her down to the ground with me.

"Do not be sorry, this is not your fault," I whispered, rubbing her back comfortingly. She nodded, still saying nothing, her sobs still racking her small body, her hair wet and clinging to her face.

We stayed like that for some time, sobbing and holding one another as though our lives depended on it. When, in reality, it was so close to being fact.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling as though no other words could convey how much I had missed and needed her. I hope she understood that those simple words were meant to convey all the damage I had done and how truly sorry I was.

She pulled back from my grasp after a moment, untangling her limbs and placing herself across from me, a small laugh escaping as she struggled to do so. Her face, though wet with trails of tears and her eyes glistening, produce a small smile and I immediately knew she understood.

"What's going on with you?" She asked after a moment of silence, referring as to why I asked her to come here. I let out a laugh at the irony of it all before filling her in.

"I am no longer going to be able to have children of my own," I gave her a sad smile before running my hands across my mother's grave, the overwhelming sadness filling my heart once more.

"Childbirth is painful," She smirked, trying to lighten the mood. I let out a light laugh, my heart still throbbing with anguish. She pulled me into a hug, her turn to comfort me once more.

"But, you'll still make a wonderful mother, there are still options." I nodded, knowing her words were true.

"I'm still a bit upset with you," She added, giving me a light shove. I sent her an understanding look, knowing we had plenty of work to do.

"I love you, bitch." She added once more, a smile adoring her tear streak face. I let out a loud laugh, feeling a true sense of happiness for the first time in a long while.

"I know, I know." I smiled, closing my eyes in exhaustion as Chelsea dialed my father, eager to get me to the hospital as soon as possible.

I was falling apart, but, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? I rolled my eyes mentally, yeah, right.