Before I Wake

I've never been a firm believer in the saying, "everything happens for a reason." How is it that the good people always get the shit end of the stick, yet, those who have murdered, lied, and cheated, reached the top?

I've done nothing to deserve this. I let out a sigh as I stared up my ceiling, having spent the last two days in the corridors of my room, claiming to be sick, as to not worry anyone. I hadn't even bothered to let anyone know what was going on. I just wasn't ready. How do you go about telling someone that you have cancer?

I was dressed in the same baggy, grey sweats and purple v-neck, having no desire to move. My hair was a tangled mess and I absolutely did not care. The only thing keeping me company was my stuffed cat, Buzz. I didn't care. Not much too care about anymore, right?

Cancer. Me, of all people. How this was fair was beyond me. I knew I was feeling sorry for myself, but, what else is there to do? I let out a grumble as my cell phone began to vibrate, again, signaling an incoming call. I forced myself into a sitting position, slightly dizzy as the blood rushed back into my head.

I snatched the device from its place and scanned the caller id to see who was calling, already knowing my answer; Zack. I hadn't exactly been answering the calls and texts the boy had been sending my way, afraid I may burst into tears or come clean, two things I did not want to do.

"Yes?" I mumbled into the device, not wanting to make conversation, instead playing with the ends of my hair, something I did when I was nervous, which kept me in check as I heard Zack let out a sigh of relief on the other end of the device. My heart was racing, I didn't want to slip up and allow him to see through me, which was incredibly difficult. Zack could read me like a damn book.

"Where the hell have you been, Alaine?" he sounded angry. I hated causing him so much distress, but, I had to figure out a plan of action after hearing such news. I was about to answer him, but, he beat me to the punch, his voice softening. "Chelsea told me you were sick, but, you haven't left your room in two days. Are you okay?" he trailed off.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. This kid was going to be the death of me, other than the cancer. Already making death jokes, smooth, Alaine. I let out a nervous laugh, trying to gain my composure. "I'm doing well, I just needed some rest, you know, after whatever I contracted at the party." I lied.

He was silent for some time and I immediately thought he saw through my lie, causing me to bite my lip in nervousness. "You ran out of there pretty quick," he trailed off, his voice soft. I let out an impatient sigh, not wanting to explain to him the lie I had weaved. "Yeah, well," I began, trailing off, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm coming over, we are going to go get some lunch." He stated, informing me that he would be there within the hour and that I had no option, all before I could get a single word out. I looked down at the device in shock, only being met with a dial tone. I tossed the phone back on my desk in aggravation, this is not how I wanted to spend my day. I ran my hands through my thick hair, pulling the knots out with a grimace as I thought back to the day of my party, wishing everything had ended differently.

I stared down at my cell phone, not believing what I had just heard. Cancer? There was absolutely no fucking way. My hand was still across my lips, holding a dam of tears and sobs back. I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do, before gaining the courage to and pick the device up and greeting it with a small, "hello?"

"Ms. Thomas," I heard her whisper, as if talking to a child. I cleared my throat, trying to gain the nerve to talk to her. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to this woman, especially on my birthday. "Yes, I heard you." I responded quietly, my eyes shut and running my fingers through my hair to calm myself down.

"Now, there are a number of options we can go about trying," her Southern accent coming out in a drawl. I let out a sigh, trying to focus on her, but it was no use. She continued speaking, telling me of what I should use as a plan of action, but, I found my mind wandering instead to how in the hell I was going to tell Chelsea and Zack about this.

I wiped the remaining tears from my face before daring to turn around, worried that someone had seen my little episode. I held the device close to my ear, hearing her rattle off different treatment options, as I let my eyes glide across the scene before me. My party was still in full swing, as if nothing had happened.

But, something had happened. I just got the worst news of my life and here everyone was, laughing and having a good time. Shouldn't the world have stopped spinning? Shouldn't everyone realize what I was losing? Anyone? No, life doesn't work like that. It continues, with or without you.

I caught sight of Zack once more, his eyes finding mine. His once bright smile fell as he caught sight of me, looking as though I had seen a ghost. "Fuck," I mumbled, turning away from him as I saw his figure make its way toward me. I wasn't ready to deal with this.

"Listen," I whispered harshly into my cell phone, catching her off guard. "I can't do this right now. It's my fucking birthday." I snapped, unwilling to hear what she had to say. I knew it was rude, I knew it was unnecessary, I knew a lot of things. But, I couldn't do this. I could feel myself breaking.

"I understand," she spoke, breaking me from my thoughts. "Are you free in three days? I can set an appointment for you and we can have a chat." I nodded quickly, throwing a glance over my shoulder, watching as Zack approached faster.

"I mean, yeah, that sounds good." Realizing she couldn't see me nodding. She rattled off the address of her office and I reminded myself to look it up before quickly snapping the device shut, just as Zack approached me.

"Hi," I smiled a big, fake smile, tucking my cell phone into my back pocket. He stared at me in confusion, his eyebrow quirked. "Who was that?" he asked, stepping closer. Instinctively, I took a step back, wishing I didn't have to see the hurt that flashed across Zack's eyes.

"Just my dad, wishing me a happy birthday and all," I smiled at him, trying desperately to hide my pain. He narrowed his eyes, sending my stomach into flips. "Right," he mumbled, trying to get close to me once more. I took another step back, knowing full well that if I let him in, I would crumble and end up telling him everything.

"Sorry," I began, seeing the aggravation make itself present on his face. "I don't feel very well, don't want you catching anything." I finished, lying straight through my teeth. I never lied to Zack, ever. I felt my heart wrench at the realization that I would be having to do this a lot more often than I liked in the near future. I knew the moment I felt his arms around me, my walls would crumble into pieces.

He continued to stare at me, his intense gaze not leaving mine. If he continued with this, I would never be able to keep this secret from him. I let out an uncomfortable cough, shuffling my feet and feeling my gaze drift toward the ground, not wanting to stare at him any longer.

"I'm going to head home, lay down for a bit," I began, making my way toward the apartment. "Thanks, for everything." I smiled briefly, placing a quick kiss to his cheek and practically hauling ass out of there before he had time to ask me any more questions.

I stumbled into Chelsea, letting her know I wasn't feeling well and that I would meet her at our apartment. She simply nodded, her attention on Scott, who, at the moment, was flirting with some big, busted woman. I shook my head, hurrying home. I was literally on the verge of breaking down and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold in my tears.

By the time I entered the empty apartment, it was dark outside and I rushed upstairs, eager to just lie in bed and cry. I made it into the bathroom just as the tears began to fall and locked the door with shaky hands. I let out a nervous breath before locking eyes with the girl in the mirror. She was pale and looked nothing like the bright-eyed beauty that I knew.

My gaze drifted toward the silver pendant clasped around my neck, its infinity sign shining brightly in the dim light. I let out a cold laugh, the irony too much to handle. I quickly made my way back into my bedroom, changing into a pair of sweats and purple v-neck and then promptly threw myself onto my bed and under the covers, not wanting to face my own thoughts.

"Can you believe this, Buzz?" I mumbled to the stuffed cat, wishing it could respond. But only getting its cold, plastic eyes in return. I had cancer. A very serious form of cancer that could very well kill me in a matter of months. Unbelievable. I had plans. I had a future planned out for myself. I wanted to go to college. Get married. Have kids. With Zack.

I let out a humorless laugh, closing my eyes in pain. It was then that I noticed I was crying, the tears streaming down my face in waves. I could do none of these things and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I let out a sob as the realization that my life would never be the same, hit me in the face.

The distinct sound of a honk brought me back to reality. I realized I was still in the same clothes I had been in for two days and that Zack had arrived, patiently waiting in his car. "Shit," I mumbled, throwing myself from the comfort of my bed and into my bathroom to quickly get ready.

Ten minutes later, I found myself in a pair of jeans and a sweater to keep out the cold and quickly brushing the knots out of my hair before placing myself in the passenger seat of Zack's car, the last place I wanted to be. It was an unusually cold day today, and the warmth of his car was a wonderful feeling. He was wearing jeans, which flattered him in every way, as well as a plain black tee, layered with a grey jacket, adorned with a beautiful smile on his face, staring directly at me.

I let out a small sigh. I need to stop being so selfish, he only wants to know what's wrong. I could at least act happy to see him. But, I didn't need to act, I was happy. It was just that cancer was always going to be in the back of my mind, trying to rear its ugly head. I threw Zack a quick smile and greeted him with a hug, not wanting him to worry anymore. "Hey there, stranger," He smiled, pulling out the driveway. "Feeling better?" I nodded, not wanting to voice an answer, afraid that my voice may shake.

"Haven't heard from you in a few days, was getting worried." He mumbled, obviously embarrassed to be telling me this. Zack hadn't always been one to voice his feelings, but, he did so more than I did, so, I respected him for that. I tied my fingers together, trying to plan some sort of response. I had to be more aware of how I answered others now.

"Sorry," I apologized, because, I truly was. "I just needed some time to rest up." He nodded, satisfied with my answer and continued driving in silence until we reached our destination. I knew he wanted to ask me more, but, kept quiet, not wanting to irritate me.

We reached our destination within a few minutes, 'The Rabbit Hole', a small cafe that had a coffee-shop atmosphere. Zack and I always came here before school in the mornings, him always ordering an iced coffee and I the Chai Latté. I couldn't help but be reminded of all these times as we entered the shop, the sound of a chiming bell greeting us.

"Haven't seen you two in quite some time, the usual?" the woman behind the counter greeted with a smile. I smiled back at her, taking a seat in one of the many booths, making myself comfortable. Zack took a seat across from me, sending Emily, the woman behind the counter, a wave.

"Nice to see you again, Emily, the usual would be great." he smiled. She hurried to make our drinks, though there was virtually no one in the small cafe', her blond hair swaying as she moved from one machine to the next. "I miss coming here," Zack voiced my very thoughts. I nodded, feeling the same. High school was such a simpler time, I wish I had the ability to go back and truly relish all the memories created here.

This place had always been my haven whenever I had had a horrible day at school or needed some time to myself, it was like a second home to me. Its robin blue walls, old wooden floors, vanilla bean aroma, and its worn out, white booths and tables always brought comfort to me. I caught Zack staring at me as I reeled myself back in from my reminiscing.

"What's up?" I asked, rubbing my hands together to try and warm them. He shook his head, his bright eyes shining. "Just glad to know you're feeling better," he smiled. "Now we can hang out all the time again!" I let out a laugh at how something so small could make him so happy. "Yeah," I began without thinking. "Let's make the most of that while we can, hmm?" I smiled at him as I saw Emily bringing over our drinks, a smile on her face. His face quickly turned into one of confusion and I instantly realized my mistake. "What are you-" he began, before being interrupted by Emily.

"Here ya go, on the house, my loves." She smiled down at us, placing our drinks between us, as well as a slice of delicious coffee cake. My mouth watered, I absolutely loved her coffee cake, it was moist and delicious. I quickly thanked her, taking a bite with the fork she provided with us. She nodded and left us be, headed back into the kitchen. Zack hadn't moved from his spot and his eyes were narrowed at me. "What?" I mumbled, my mouth full of food.

"What the hell do you mean make the most of it, Alaine?" he asked, taking a sip of coffee, not letting his eyes leave mine."Going somewhere?" he finished, looking at me directly. I gulped, taking the coffee cake down with me, before taking a sip of my latté', trying my best to hold off on answering his question. I shook my head, placing my cup back down. "No, it was just something I said, dumbass." I smiled at him, trying with all my might to convince him. He seemed to want to say something else, but, I interrupted him by asking him about the band.

"Fine," he began, his eyes still holding questions. "We are going to perform at that small pub in town tomorrow night, you remember." He smiled. The boys were quite popular around town now, and this would be one of their first "big" shows, having helped him place flyers around the town weeks before. I nodded, but, quickly realized that tomorrow was my appointment with Ms. Kyle and that I would be there for some time.

"Actually," I began, my eyes downcast. "I can't make it tomorrow, I forgot I have plans with, uh, Chelsea." I lied. I heard Zack scoff and I couldn't help but drag my eyes upward, only to see him with his eyes narrowed and his arms crossed. Zack was too smart for his own damn good and I knew he saw right through my lies.

"Bullshit, Alaine," he said angrily. "You both planned on coming weeks ago, what changed?" I let out a grumble, not wanting to deal with this. Zack and I hardly had confrontations with one another, I wasn't used to this. "I just have other plans, Zack, is that so bad?" I scoffed, crossing my arms.

"You're a liar, but, whatever," he grumbled, obviously not wanting to get into it with me. He and I were incredibly stubborn and he knew that once we started, there was virtually no stopping us. I stared at him in disbelief, Zack never called me names. "I think I'm ready to go home now," I mumbled, suddenly feeling like a child. Zack said nothing as he rose from his seat, tossed his coffee out, sent a small wave toward Emily, and exited the cafe', all without a word. I watched him go, my jaw dropped. He was acting like a child!

"What the fuck?" I growled, exiting the cafe', but, not before thanking Emily. I made it outside into the cool breeze just in time to see Zack enter his car, slamming the door shut behind him. I carved my way through the small bit of snow on the ground, hearing him start up his car and rev the engine. I snatched the door handle and threw myself inside, not wanting to deal with his attitude. When Zack was truly upset about something, he typically kept to himself, other than showing it to his closest friends, which I just happened to be. Lucky fucking me, yeah?

The ride home was uncomfortably silent, something I wasn't used to. Zack and I never had these sorts of moments and it unnerved me. I was suddenly terrified that this was what our friendship would turn into the worse I got. What if we drifted apart and then I died, never getting to tell him how I truly felt? Oh, my god. I couldn't think like that. I wasn't going to die. People beat cancer all the time, I could be one of them. I felt myself shaking, unable to control the emotions that pulsed through my body. I suddenly felt the car stop and peeking out from underneath my lashes, I saw we made it back to my apartment in record time.

I tried to gather my wits before reaching for the door handle, intent on going inside and taking a long, relaxing bath. I felt his hand on my wrist, preventing my from leaving. I said nothing, my silence as his sign to speak. "I'm sorry, I was being selfish," he whispered, grabbing my other wrist and bringing them to his chest. I let out a short breath, feeling the butterflies make their way around my stomach.

"If you have other plans, I understand. The boys and I were just excited that you would be there." He finished, looking at my with bright eyes, willing me to forgive him. I let out a shaky sigh, pulling him for a hug, not knowing how much longer I could look into his eyes without melting. "It's fine," I mumbled into his chest, relishing the warmth that radiated off of him. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to comfort me in my time of need. But, I couldn't. I couldn't bear to put him through that pain.

I felt his arms encircle me, placing his head atop of mine. I closed my eyes in pleasure, wishing he and I could just stay like that forever. "I'm going to try and make it, yeah?" I voiced, willing myself to pull away from his grasp. He nodded, his eyes downcast. I noticed we were still holding hands and I couldn't help but suddenly blush. I fucking loved this kid and I would never be able to tell him, especially now. I let out a dry laugh, shaking my head. Life was so unfair.

We said our goodbyes, cutting this intimate moment short. I couldn't handle this and just needed to get out, before I did something really stupid. Like tell him how you feel? I scoffed at myself mentally for being so stupid. I watched as he pulled out from my driveway, sending a small wave and smile my way, which I quickly returned before making my way into the warm apartment. I let out a sigh, slipping out of my boots and leaning against the front door. "This is going to be so much harder than I expected." I whispered, wishing for everything to be simple once more.