Before I Wake

I let out a large sigh, having been stuck waiting for Dr. Kyle for well over twenty minutes, having nothing to do but sit in her office and wait for her to return after excusing herself to take a call. I found out through our brief exchange that Dr. Kyle worked part time at the hospital, spending the remainder of her time at her own office, dealing with personal cases. I guess I should feel special. I let out a grunt and crossed my arms, my denim shorts rising slightly. Yeah, right. So fucking special.

My gaze scanned her room once more, having done so many times since I entered. Her office was nothing special, very similar to the ones you see in the movies; lots of books, a nice desk, two, very uncomfortable and ugly chairs, and a few candles. Very professional, as it should be, I suppose.

I had calmed down quite a bit since I stepped foot into the office, not wanting to deal with what her and I would be discussing. I still hadn't told anyone, and honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to, wanting to instead deal with this on my own, as I always did whenever I had issues. I was still having a hard time that someone like myself could contract cancer. I let out a small huff, knowing the answer; cancer chooses you, darling.

My thoughts were disrupted as I heard the door opening and Dr. Kyle strutting her way in, greeting me with a smile and taking a seat behind her large desk. I gave her a few moments of shuffling through her papers before saying anything, actually allowing myself to get my thoughts under control. I picked at the ends of my lace top, not knowing how to begin this conversation. I was beyond nervous, if I was being honest.

"I'm sorry," I began, gaining her attention. "I shouldn't have spoke to you the way I did on the telephone the other day," I fumbled with my hands, not knowing what else to do. "I was just overwhelmed."

I gained the courage to look at her and found her gazing back with an understanding smile. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I felt terrible for snapping at the older woman, knowing she was only trying to help me during such a desperate time.

"Hun," she smiled, her head tilted ever so slightly. "I completely understand." I let out a nervous laugh, glad for that to be over. She quickly took on a serious note and I knew what was coming, the thing I was dreading.

"Let's talk about this and what your best options are, okay, dear?" Her voice sounded so sweet. How that was even possible when talking about a deadly disease, was beyond me. I sat back in my seat, preparing for the worst. This is going to be a long day.

+++

By the time we finished discussing all the possibilities, tests, treatments, risks, and essentially, everything, I was fried. My brain could literally hold no more information, it felt as though it was about to explode. I had enough packets of information, that an entire forest had probably been sacrificed.

I was sure to thank Dr. Kyle for her time before exiting her office and heading back into the parking lot, eager to get home and sleep. It was already late into the day and I wanted nothing more than to take a bath, cuddle with Buzz, and sleep forever away.

I stuffed all the packets of information under my arm, grumbling as I reached into my purse for my keys, secured them and unlocked my door. I threw myself into my car, a blue, 2008 Honda Accord, a gift from my father, exhausted. Tossing the pamphlets to the back of my car, I searched my purse for a moment before finding my cell phone, noticing I had a few missed calls; two from Zack and one from Chelsea.

"Shit," I grumbled, pinching the end of my nose as I listened to Zack rant on about how I wasn't at the pub yet and that he hadn't actually thought I wasn't going to be there. Still listening, I threw my keys into the ignition and started the vehicle up, noticing that if I hurried, I could just possibly make it to see the end of their set, which was better than nothing. He is going to fucking kill me. I drove as fast as I could, trying to forget everything that had previously been discussed in Dr. Kyle's office.

Seven minutes later, I was parked in the back of the pub, having nowhere else to park. I rushed inside, having practically tumbled out my car, determined not to miss anymore of the show.

"I probably look insane." I mumbled, snatching my cell phone out of my pocket and dialing Chelsea, knowing she was here. I made my way inside, throwing a quick wave to the owner, having known him since I was kid.

It was incredibly crowded, with a mass of people situated and swaying at the front of the stage, typically used for karaoke nights and drunken stupors. The music was almost unbearably loud, but, I recognized the lyrics as the ones I knew and loved.

"Where the fuck are you?" I heard Chelsea ask, her voice full of anger. She knew I would never miss something as important as this. I grimaced, wishing I had thought of an excuse that was valid enough before getting here.

"Wasn't feeling well," I lied. I stopped at the end of the bar, trying to gain my surroundings. "I'm at the end of the bar." I told her, snapping my phone shut and standing on my tip-toes in order to see the front of the stage. I immediately recognized Zack, watching as he played his bass, a smile ever present on his face.

I felt myself smiling uncontrollably, I loved watching Zack play. Alex and Jack were hopping around the stage, which was nothing new, pumping the crowd up and Rian was smiling like a fool, enjoying the show.

A searing pain ripped into my arm and I couldn't help but let out a yelp, surprised at the sudden feeling. "There you are, bitch!" I heard Chelsea practically scream into my ear, smiling over at me as she took the last available seat at the bar. I let out a laugh, rolling my eyes and bringing my attention back to the boys as their previous song ended.

"Okay," I heard Alex yell to the crowd. "This is going to be our last song for tonight-" audible sounds of disappointment echoed throughout the pub, causing the boys to laugh. "This one is called 'Lullabies', thank you so much and good night!" Alex yelled, beginning to play the first few chords of one of my favorite songs.

I caught Zack's eye and sent him a wave, hoping he wasn't terribly angry with me. The grin he sent me caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach and I felt the smile fill up my face before I could even stop it. I saw Chelsea roll her eyes, sending me a side glance, knowing full well what was going on. She knew how I felt, so, I didn't care in the least bit.

"Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye," Alex sang softly. I knew how hard this song was for him and how much this song was a constant reminder of his deceased brother. But, it was by far one of my favorites.

The lyrics were incredibly deep and if I was being honest with myself, the song reminded me of my mother and how quickly she was taken from me. I found myself singing along, not being able to help myself.

"Sing me to sleep," I echoed, closing my eyes, relishing the power the lyrics held. "I'll see you in my dreams, waiting to say, I miss you, I'm so sorry," The crowd began to echo them, sending an chill across my body. I stopped for a moment, suddenly becoming overwhelmed at the realization of this song. Fuck. If anything happens to me, this song is going to relate to Zack in a terrible way.

That was something I couldn't handle and I had to get out. I threw Chelsea another lame excuse, running for the exit, suddenly feeling as though the walls were coming in around me. I heard her yelling my name, but, I didn't stop.

The brisk air hit me in the face and suddenly, I could breathe. I latched on to the wall of the building, needing something to hold on to as I caught my breath. Everything I did was a painful reminder of what could possibly be my future.

I was only outside for a few brief minutes before people started pouring out of the pub, the show obviously over. Guilt wracked my entire body. I had let the boys down, especially Zack. Fuck! I was unbearably angry. Apparently, so was Zack, as he stormed his way from inside and straight for me, his face void of any emotion.

"You show up late," he began, his voice harsh. I grimaced, Zack was never angry with me and lately, I felt like this was all I was doing. "And then you fucking leave during the show, what the hell, Alaine?" He glared at me, waiting for an answer.

The only thing crossing my mind was how unbelievably attractive he looked. He was covered in sweat, but, that didn't bother me in the least bit, his eyes, though full of anger, were shining brightly and his lip was set in a straight line that I just wanted to kiss away.

"The song reminded me of my mother," I voiced, surprised at how strong I sounded. His demeanor immediately changed, going from hostile to calm in a moment. "I needed to leave before the memories overtook me, okay?" I mumbled the last part, feeling guilty for lying, though, it was a partial truth.

His arms immediately wrapped around my small figure, engulfing me in warmth. I let out a sad sigh, I had lied again, to the last person I ever wanted to. "It's okay," he whispered, his chin atop of mine. I nodded, not knowing what else to say. We stayed like that for some time and for some reason, this felt, different. As though there was something behind this embrace.

I was still having these thoughts as I felt Zack slide his hand up to my cheek, setting it ablaze. I felt my eyes widen as it dawned on me that we were having a "moment." Holy shit. I felt my eyes drift up toward him, seeing an array of emotions behind his eyes. "What are you-" I stopped mid-sentence as I noticed his face gradually coming closer to mine, his intent clear. Oh, my fuck, he is going to kiss me.

Wrong. Completely and utterly wrong as the moment was shattered as he kissed the top of my head. "Oh," was all I could mutter, clearly disappointed. His face filled with confusion and then, sudden realization. "Oh, Alaine-"

He was interrupted as Chelsea screamed my name, jogging toward us. I don't think I have ever seen him move faster, his arms dropping and taking a huge step back, hearing in my voice what I had wanted. What the fuck.

Chelsea made her way toward us, confusion written on her face as she noticed the both of us with flaming cheeks. Zack was looking anywhere but me, and I couldn't help but feel rejected. The boy reeled back so damn fast, it was like I had the damn plague. Cancer, you have cancer. He is never going to want you.

"Oh, shit," Chelsea began, finally realizing what had just happened. I didn't let either of them finish as I made my way toward my car, not wanting to deal with the embarrassment of a failed kiss with the kid I fucking loved. I sent the both of them a wave, hauling ass toward my car and reaching for my keys.

Just as I reached my car, I felt a strong pair of arms grab me, forcing me to stop. I was beyond furious. I can't believe I actually thought he was interested. What a fool I was. "Let go of me," I growled, not wanting to deal with this. Zack was never one to listen, so, it was no surprise to me that he in fact, did not release my arms, but, instead, forced me to face him.

"Listen, Alaine-" he began, his voice full of desperation. I shoved him, trying with all my might to get him to release me. The only thing I wanted to do was go home and lock myself away forever. "No," I snarled, startling him. "I'm not doing this, I'm going home." I snatched my arms from his, having gained the upper hand when I snapped at him.

"Nothing happened, yeah?" I rattled, trying to unlock my car door with shaky hands. "I was just emotional, no big deal." I nodded my head, my dark hair falling into my face, trying to convince not only Zack, but, also myself. I was finally successful and tossed my belongings in the front seat before placing myself in front of the wheel. Zack stared back, confusion and a mixture of other emotions on his face.

I didn't give him time to respond, instead peeling out of the parking lot. I sent Chelsea a shaky text, letting her know I was headed home and going straight to bed. What a fool I was. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, causing my knuckles to turn white. I should know better than to think that Zack and I could work, especially now. I felt like crying, but, I held the tears back.

I let out a heavy sigh as I pulled into the driveway, having gained control of some of my emotions. My phone had rang three damn times while on the way home, and I rolled my eyes at the number of texts and missed calls from Zack. I just need to distance myself. This disease has got me all out of whack and things are only going to get more complicated

I let out a grunt, placing my head on the steering wheel, overwhelmed. "I've got to tell Chelsea." I mumbled, having no other choice. I felt the tears roll down my face as the absolute sadness overcame me and I closed my eyes in frustration. I couldn't do this alone.