Before I Wake

"I want to make a bucket list." I stated, digging my feet into the soft sand. The scowl on Zack's face immediately told me what he thought of the idea. I let out a light laugh, grinning toward him.

"Don't give me that face, it makes you look even more unattractive," I giggled. He sent me a goofy grin, giving me a light shove, causing me to tumble off our shared beach towel.

Zack and I were spending the afternoon at the beach, relishing in the new found freedom of summer. The warm breeze was tickling my skin and hearing the sound of the ocean was a much needed change compared to the incessant noise that hospitals were surrounded with.

Time had been flying by, catching me off guard. It had only been about a month since Zack and I had met up and I felt my restrain slipping. Every glance, every moment spent with him, was destroying the walls I had so desperately built up. Keeping Zack at bay was becoming more and more difficult.

I let out a sigh as I watched Zack make his way toward the warm waves, his figure becoming smaller and smaller. My gaze drifted toward the sky, watching the clouds pass slowly across the vast expanse. Trying to convince Zack that I only wanted to be friends was proving to be more difficult than I had expected. I felt my gaze being pulled downward, catching Zack's figure out in the water, bobbing up and down without a care. He looked so carefree, so happy. I felt a stab of jealousy in my chest, unable to control it. I wonder what it feels like to not care. To not feel the shadow of death following your every move.

Zack sent me a giant grin, thrusting his arms up into the air. I felt myself smile softly, returning the gesture, with much less enthusiasm. I closed my eyes then, placing myself on my back and throwing my arms behind my head, relishing the feeling of the sun as it soaked my skin, having only felt the cool wisp of hospital blankets the past few weeks. The cool chain of my necklace slid down the back of my neck, causing goosebumps to trail up my spine.

It was now the beginning of June, summer in full swing. I learned of my cancer in March and yet, it felt as though I had been dealing with this burden for a number of years. My chemo sessions were becoming more intense and laboring, I felt as though I was dragging myself along, every task feeling as though a bag of rocks were strapped to my back. Dr. Kyle tried to reassure me that things were going well, but, I knew she was just trying to keep me in good spirits.

I would be getting my first screening of my progress in the next few weeks. To say I was nervous was an understatement. The overwhelming thought of, "what if all of this is for nothing?", was present in the forefront of my mind. I tried pushing it away, but, it always managed to creep its way back into my thoughts. I scowled, having realized that I let it enter my mind once more.

"You shouldn't make that face, it makes you look even more unattractive," Zack said in a mocking tone. I let out a laugh, shielding my eyes as I looked up at the boy who was now blocking the sun with his tall shadow.

His body was glistening with salt water, the ends of his hair dripping like icicles, it was a nice distraction from my previous thoughts. He shook himself like a dog, causing water to splash down on my warm skin, causing goosebumps to rise wherever they landed. I threw myself into a sitting position, letting out an unpleasant noise, not too eager to feel the cool water on my skin. A mischievous grin crossed his face as he placed himself next to me, the sun throwing the water droplets on his chest and back aglow.

"Why the sour face?" He asked, regarding the previous scowl that had been on my face. I shook my head, allowing myself some time to create an excuse.

"Just thinking about whether or not I should add, 'Murder Zack', to my bucket list," He gave me a hard glare, causing laughter to erupt from down within me. "But," I began again, smiling at his reaction. "Who would join me in helping me fulfill my list?"

He let out a scoff, before placing a hand over his heart, covering the tattoo that adorned his chest. "I'm touched that you have decided to keep me alive, makes me feel really special." He feigned hurt and I couldn't help but smile. Zack had that effect on me.

"But," He began, suddenly turning serious. "Aren't bucket lists typically reserved for people who are about to 'kick the bucket'?" He asked, using air quotes for the last part of his sentence. My mood immediately went sour.

"No," I snipped, catching him by surprise. "I have shit I want to do. Why not start now, while I'm young?" I shifted away from him, not wanting to look him the eyes, afraid he may see the fear that lied behind mine. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted to do in my life, but, he couldn't know that.

He was silent for a moment, clearly pondering my sudden change in mood. But, he quickly nodded, looking away from me. "Sure," He replied, monotone. "If that's what you want to do."

I nodded, looking at my toes as the sand traveled between them, my legs jutting out in front of me. "Yeah," I said softly. "I think it would be fun." I forced my voice to sound chipper, looking up at him and sending him a smile.

"What do you want to do first?" He asked, skimming sand between his fingers. I pondered this for a moment as I watched him, allowing him to distract me from my thoughts.

"I want to go to your first big concert," I smiled, butterflies fluttering about in my stomach as I saw him grin softly, still playing the sand. "When you become famous and such." He let out a light laugh, his hazel eyes connecting with mine.

"Who knows when that will be," He sighed, wiping his hands clean of sand and pulling his knees to his chest, casually placing his arms on them. "I mean, I'm thankful we are signed on a label right now," He mumbled, referring to the company, Emerald Moon, that had signed the band before they left high school. "But, we are looking for something bigger, ya know?" He asked, clearly looking for some guidance.

"You'll get there, Zack," I encouraged, placing my hand softly on his shoulder, almost without even thinking about it. He stiffened for a brief moment, before immediately relaxing into my touch. "You and the boys have that performance coming up at the pub again, don't you?" He nodded, his eyes glazed, clearly thinking about their next show that was happening in a matter of time.

"Who's to say that another record company won't be there to catch you guys in action?" He smiled, nodding. "Just stay positive." I smiled, removing myself from the beach towel, wiping off any sand or grit that was coated on me and reaching my hand out toward him.

He stared at me for a moment, an array of emotions crossing his face, before he reached his hand out, grasping mine firmly, hauling himself up from the ground. I was startled as I felt his arms wrap around me, his body still wet from his previous adventure.

"Thank you," He mumbled, placing a soft kiss on my head. What the hell? My heart was racing as he pulled away from me, smiling so wide that his teeth were showing. "You really helped." He turned on his heel, retreating back to where he had parked.

I blinked in surprise before shaking my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I reached down, grabbing and shaking off the towel before making my way back toward his car, eager to get home and sort out the feelings that were resurfacing.

It was a short drive back to my apartment and I immediately retreated to the safety of their walls, giving Zack a quick goodbye and a promise to text him after I cleaned myself up. I didn't even stick around long enough to see him pull out of the small driveway, instead racing upstairs to try and wash away these emotions with a hot shower.

The house was completely empty, with Chelsea spending a week or two with her boyfriend, having had to convince her to even leave my side. It was nice to have some time to myself, not having another human breathe down my neck and wait to see if I broke, which Chelsea was now doing.

I tossed my bathing suit to the bathroom floor, eager to enter the hot water. I didn't stay in long, washing my hair and body as quickly as my hands would move, suddenly feeling very exhausted and only wanting to lay down for a bit. I quickly changed into some comfortable sweats and one of Zack's shirts. I had stolen it without his knowledge, relishing in the smell it carried. I let out a large sigh, tossing myself into my bed, my body sinking into it and my wet hair clinging to my face. I felt my eyes grow heavy and my thoughts come to the surface once more.

"Can't catch a damn break," I mumbled, grimacing at the dull pulse of pain I was now feeling in my abdomen. I let out an aggravated sigh, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position. Having failed to do so, I reached over to my nightstand and snatched my phone up, sending Zack a quick text of how I was going to try and take a nap.

I was met with an immediate response, my phone binging only moments after sending him the message. I let out an aggravated sigh as I read his response.

Sleep well, beautiful.

"This kid is going to be the fucking death of me," I mumbled, tossing my phone back to its original position and closing my eyes in aggravation.

This is only going to get harder. I scrunched my eyes in frustration, willing my mind to settle. "What am I going to do, Buzz?" I whispered, reaching for the stuffed cat and wanting an answer. His black, beady eyes held no answers or insight. There was only silence. That's all I was met with lately, silence.