Unison

The house is quiet, much more quiet than I can ever remember it begin. Even during the nights Alex and I spend just sitting on the couch on our laptops with the TV going in the background, there was more noise than there is now that he's gone. Maybe it's because I can feel that he's gone, and his absence is what makes this place so silent.

I adjust my position on the couch, moving my now asleep foot so it's stretched out along the length. I take a moment to look around the house, how the darkness is casting shadows along the abandoned corners. I immediately stand and flip the light on, not wanting to feed the sadness that's already creeping into me. One thing that Sam taught me that I actually use besides the occasional breathing techniques when I'm desperate, is distraction.

I get up and go to pick up my guitar from where it sits on its stand in the corner by the TV. My orange pick is tucked between the strings and the frets, keeping it in place so I don't loose it. I sit on the floor cross-legged and begin to strum a few chords to check that it's in tune. It is, so I begin to aimlessly play.

I pick up at the beginning of I Don't Care if You're Contagious and play halfway through, letting my fingers work up and down the strings as my once silent house erupts with the sound of my guitar. I paused for a moment and decided to try to do the Hispanic guitar part in Bulls in the Bronx. Of course, like always, I can't get it. My fingers are too clumsy and not quick enough. I glide into A Match Into Water, the song Tony taught me how to play ages ago in his small living room, the song he asked me, for some reason, to help him with.

I stop playing and lay back against the carpet, letting my guitar rest against my stomach and chest. I don't know why I'm being so nostalgic. Instead of allowing the memories to come flooding back, I walk on my knees to the couch and pick up my phone to call my sister. It rings a couple times before going to her voice mail. I leave a short message, saying I miss her and asking her to call me back. Not wanting to continue being alone, I decide to call Mike.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Maddy!" he exclaims. I know he must be alone, otherwise he would pretend for a short while I was someone else until he was. "We finished up about an hour ago and I was just about to call you."

"Well, here I am," I say with a short laugh. "What's going on?"

"Are you still coming out tomorrow? I miss you."

"Shit. It's tomorrow." It's not that I forgotten that tomorrow is the Baltimore show, I just didn't allow it to sink in until now. I pushed back the thoughts when they came, trying not to look at calendars because I know my eyes wouldn't be able to keep themselves from counting down the days. I wasn't just nervous I'd run into Tony, I was nervous to see all of them after what I did.

Mike's laughter brings me back to our phone conversation. "Yup. Figured you'd be keeping a count down until you get to see me. Try to contain your excitement, babe."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, okay. I am excited to see you, though. Don't doubt that."

"What about everyone else? They all miss you, Maddy."

"How do you know that? I thought they didn't know we talked."

"They don't," he assures me, " and I don't think that's fair that we keep it from them."

"Mike, we've been over this," I remind him. "I can't expect them all to lie to Tony, straight to his face. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask you all to keep talking to me if only you keep lying to one of your best friends about it."

"So it's only fair that you lay the burden on me," Mike says with all seriousness in his tone, although I know he's joking. "It's a pleasure to be burdened by you. Although, they're not stupid. Pretty sure they've all come to the conclusion you wouldn't just pick up and leave like that, without saying anything, just because Aly needed you."

"Whatever, Mike, I know it was a lame excuse. You know how I feel about this."

"I just think they deserve to know what really happened. I mean, come on, it's been almost two years. If you told them when we see you, I don't think they'd go running back to Tony like, 'guess what I found out today when I saw Maddy without telling you!'"

I laugh a bit at what he's saying, knowing he has a point. "Alright, I'll think about it." I let my eyes wander around the room, landing on my abandoned guitar, the dark hallway, the forgotten kitchen that I haven't really used since Alex left. "I'm coming, but if I see him.... What are you going to tell everyone else? I still want to see Vic and Jaime."

"I got your back, don't worry," Mike eases me.

"You told them Alex got me a ticket and he wanted me to come out?"

"Yup. I told them you called me and said you were coming and wanted to hang out."

This is all part of the plan. I couldn't let Mike take the fall of telling them all he's been talking to me all this time behind their backs. Not after they all tried getting a hold of me in the days that came after I left. It wouldn't be fair to him. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding in. "Thanks, Mike."

"Yeah, whatever," he says jokingly. "Tony sleeps late, too, so getting out without him questioning it shouldn't be a problem."

My mind thinks back to when he was here with me, how he'd stay up half then night and wake up around noon, sometimes later. "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow morning, then."

"I'm excited to see you, Maddy," he tells me. "It's been so long. I hope you didn't become fat and ugly since I've been out of your life."

I scoff. "Yeah, okay. Bye, Mikey."

We hung up moments later, after Mike teased me a bit more. I put my guitar back on its stand. There was no way out now, no turning back, no bailing. I walk down to my room and close the door, but I can't fall asleep.

My alarm goes off at eight, giving me an hour to get ready before the boys come. I shower quickly and then begin to apply a bit of makeup. I put some of it into my bag so I can use it again before the show tonight, along with a change of more comfortable clothes. I don't know why, but I want to look good It's the first time I've seen Alex in a couple weeks, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I settled for ripped skinny jeans and a black t-shirt before allowing my long hair to hang halfway down my back. I lay around on the couch for a while watching TV until about nine, and then begin pacing in front of the windows facing out towards the streets. When I see a gray car pull into the driveway, I practically run down the stairs, holding onto the railing so I don't land on my face. Swinging the door open, I see all three of the guys stepping out of the car with huge smiles on their faces.

"I missed you guys so much," I say instinctively. Mike simply looks at me for a long moment before he takes me into an embrace, holding my head to his chest as he rests his cheek against the top of my hair.

I separate, stand back and take him in. He hardly looks any different; the same olive toned skin, same sleepy brown eyes, the lip piercings. Maybe he has a few more tattoos and his hair is a bit different, but the change is hardly noticeable. I hug him one last time and one of the others laughs when I do. When we part again, I give Vic and tight squeeze. He doesn't let me go for a long time, but when he does, I swear there are tears in his eyes.

"What the fuck, Maddy?" he says to me, shaking his head. "I haven't even talked to you in so long."

I think back to the first phone call Vic and I shared a few days after I left, when I said it was because Aly really did need me back home. I could tell he didn't necessarily buy it and he was hurt that I wasn't telling him the truth, but I think a piece of him wanted to believe it, and that's why he didn't ask questions. That's why he stopped calling, making it easier for me in the long run. Then there was Jaime, who just didn't want to tread where he didn't belong. Before I can allow myself to mentally replay the days after I left, it's Jaime that steps forward and draws me into him.

"It's good to see you again, chica," he whispers to me, squeezing me so tight to him that I can barely breath.

After our hello's, we head back to the car, which is left on at the curb. I sit in the center seat in the back in between Mike and Vic while Jaime drives. Mike's head brushes the top of the car, but he doesn't complain like he usually does if he's forced to sit in the back. I can't stop looking at each of them, comforted by how little they've changed. About five minutes later, Jaime pulls up to a small family owned restaurant. He finds a spot and we all pile out, heading inside, drawn by the smell of various different breakfast foods.

Mike gives the hostess his name and we're lead to the back and seated. The waiter takes our drink orders and we're left patiently waiting for them to arrive.

"You look so different," Vic tells me from across the table. He shakes his head and continues staring. "You look really sure of yourself."

"Thanks, I guess," I say with a laugh. "So what's changed these past couple years?" I ask, hoping it'll be a good conversation starter. I want Vic to tell me about Jamie so I can stop pretending that I don't know.

"Vic's a dad!" Jaime says for him, giving me a wide grin. He bounces up and down slightly in time with his jittery leg.

Vic smiles sheepishly and picks his phone up, swiping through his pictures to look for some of his daughter. "This is when she was first born," he says, showing me the face of his phone. It's a picture of a tiny, naked baby. Her eyes weren't even open yet. "And this is right before I left," he says, showing me a picture of a larger infant wearing a light green onesie and laying in a pair of female arms.

"Who's the lucky lady?" I ask, giving him a playful wink.

"Rachel," he says, showing me the background of his phone. She's a mature looking girl with straight black hair hanging down to the end of her chest. She's wearing hardly any make up in the picture and is looking over her strong shoulder at Vic, standing beside a wooden crib that must belong to Jamie. "We met after Warped a couple years back."

I nod, realizing that the tour he's referring to is the Warped that I was on with them. I guess this is the perfect opportunity, so I take it. "Guys, I just want you to know..." I pause to take a deep breath. They're all looking at me with intent eyes, waiting for whatever it is that's coming. "I'm really sorry for just disappearing like I did. It was really childish of me. I wasn't sure how to handle everything that was happening and I thought it'd be easiest for me and Tony if I just sort of made a clean break." None of them say anything, so I continue. "It was really selfish of me and I'm sorry. I've missed you guys like crazy."

I want to go on and tell them the real reason why I left. I've abandoned them and then cut them off, so the least I can do is tell them the truth. I stop myself, though, because maybe it'd be too much to dump all this on them at once. I want a happy reunion, not one thick with confessions and apologies that are way past due.

"It's okay," Vic tells me, giving me a soft smile. "I understand, believe me."

"I'm just glad you're back," Jaime tells me with sincerity.

"I just hope you plan on staying," Mike adds quietly.

Around five, the boys had to go off for sound check, leaving me with nothing to do. I'm sitting on the All Time Low bus in the back lounge, flipping through the channels instead of going out to stand in the line of teenagers and college kids. Sitting here feels all too nostalgic, but the little things are constant reminds of where I really am.

I go into the bathroom when doors open to give myself a once over. I retouch my make up and take off the clothes I've been wearing all day to replace them with a pair of black leggings, a loose Glamour Kills t-shirt matched with my jean jacket for later when I'm sure the April chill will set in. I slip the VIP pass Alex gave me into the inside pocket of my jacket before stepping outside around seven-thirty, half an hour after the side walk is cleared and everyone's taken their positions inside the venue. The large man outside the doors wearing a venue t-shirt checks my ticket and grants me access. I can already hear the crowd cheering and I suspect that one of the bands is taking the stage. I look around for a bit when I enter, which is hard since there are people standing in ever empty space. The floor is crowded and sways back and forth like a wave as people push. I'm definitely not going down there, but I find the stairway to the balcony, so that's where I go.

There are two forty-five minute sets before All Time Low comes on. Everyone's cheers are mixed with obscene messages for Alex or Jack. They smile and Alex stands up on an amp, looking around the crowd in admiration. Jack takes his microphone, holding the sides of his guitar with two hands.

Alex steps off his amp and adds, "are you ready, motherfuckers?!"

They launch into Backseat Serenade, my favorite off the new album. I can't help but to sway back and forth to the music and sing the words. Hearing them play at practice and taking Alex lazily singing around the house for granted is very different than hearing and watching them play a show. Alex looks so happy, dancing and jogging across the stage with his guitar. I'm smiling uncontrollably when I see how much passion they all put into playing. It's been far too long since I've seen them play a show. After playing a handful of other songs, stopping in between to speak to the crowd or to each other, Alex takes the mic off the stand and everyone waits, listening.

"This next song is for a really good friend of mine that came out tonight to see us for the first time in forever. She's out there somewhere." He pauses to point a finger out to the crowd, gesturing across the entire floor. People scream cheers. I'm beaming from where I stand up above them. "This one's for you."

They launch into a song I've heard Alex singing plenty of times, but for some reason, this time it seems renewed. I watch as he sings the words complete with hand motions, closing his eyes as he does so. Instead of singing along, I let his smooth voice fill me.

Say goodbye to the halls and the classes
Say hello to a job and the taxes
the weekends with old friends spilling into nine to five routine
tell me how you feel over and done with
like how your life is a map with no compass to guide
at the bar, drinking way too much
we sing along to Forever Young

They finish the song and thank the crowd for coming out before heading off backstage, handing the crew their instruments as they do so. It's a few minutes before Pierce the Veil comes on, but it's still not enough time to prepare myself for seeing him. The lights go down completely, and the crowd erupts when the girl above the decrepit house lights up from where it's positioned behind Mike's drum set.

There's the faint shadow of three figures taking the stage. Mike's hidden by the darkness, but his form lights up when he takes his stool behind his drums. There's a small pause where the entire venue seems to be still for a moment. Then suddenly, the lights come down and Vic begins playing his guitar. The crowd jumps and it's not long before a pit opens. When I see Tony bent over his guitar, playing it expertly with one foot resting on the amp before him, my stomach twists. He stops abruptly but right on time. He looks up and smiles at the crowd, pulling the long hair that had fallen over his face back. My mind is once again sent into a series of questions I've asked myself plenty of times.

What would he think if he knew I was here? He'd probably be pissed. He probably doesn't even want to see me.

Does he have a new girlfriend? Most likely.

I'm not necessarily upset by it since I'm the one who left him that day, and it's my own fault. He deserves to be happy even if it means that I'm not apart of it. Surprisingly, this is easy to except, so I try to focus the majority of my attention on watching them perform their set. I'm filled with contentment because I'm once again a small part of all of this.

I think of what Mike said about it not being fair last night on the phone and what he said today at breakfast about wanting me to stay. Going through all this just to avoid Tony, when he probably doesn't even care anymore, seems ridiculous. It's been almost two years. What's the worst that could happen if I did see him? He's over it, over me, over what happened. I

He does not care.

I don't want to skip out on being apart of this anymore. I don't want to miss out on seeing all of them anymore, especially Mike and Vic. I've made myself an outcast. Seeing them all today just proved this.

I consider skipping out on the last few songs so I can use the pass Alex gave me and head backstage to tell him all of this. It's only a few songs before it's time to make my way out with the crowd, which takes at least half an hour to clear out. All the people on the floor make it outside first, and then the people on the balcony. It's almost midnight by the time I make it outside into the crisp air to where the buses are parked. I spot the All Time Low guys on the opposite side of a barricade, signing some things for fans. From my other show experiences, I know that the other guys won't come out until All Time Low has gone back to their bus, just to avoid things getting chaotic. I spot a venue employee standing by the door leading backstage. I make my way over to him, pulling the pass Alex gave me out of the inside pocket of my jacket.

I show the face of it to him, and he steps aside, pulling back a piece of barricade to grant me entrance. My palms are sweaty and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as I walk along a short hallway to the backstage area.

"Alex!" I shout to try and catch his attention, but it just mingles in with the rest of the fans.

"Excuse me, you have to move along," a security guard tells me, walking over and giving me no choice but to step into the area with the fans.

"I'm a friend of Alex," I tell him, flashing him my VIP pass.

The guard quickly apologizes and leads me back over to where I was previously standing. I make my way through the barricade to where the guys are. Alex smiles down at me before leaning over and taking a picture with a girl.

"Ready to head out?" he asks me, brushing a piece of dark hair back into place.

"I think I'm going to go talk to Tony," I tell him, leaning into the side of his head so the fans standing nearby won't be able to hear.

He leans back and searches my face. "I thought you didn't want to even see him?"

"Alex!" someone exclaims, demanding his attention. "Can we take a picture?"

"I'll explain everything later," I tell him, pulling him into a quick hug. I walk back towards the venue, passing the same guard as before. He gives me a small smile as he opens the door leading backstage for me.

I feel pathetic as I walk down the hall with a couple doorways to the left and a stairway leading to the stage a bit further up and to the right. I can feel my hands shaking, so I cross my arms and peer around the doorway to where the guys are sitting in the main room.

"You can shower first," Mike says to his brother. Vic turns around to pick up his bag and sees me out of the corner of his eye. He gives me a surprised expression, which quickly fades as he nods inconspicuously towards the half of the room that's hidden from view.

I nod at him without breaking eye contact, and step into the room.