Never Stop Believing
By your side.
“What?”
“Marry me, Violet.”
Jimmy grabbed my hand with his free hand and my eyes were just staring at his eyes and at that beautiful ring which was in front of me. I felt happiness was beginning in my chest. it was like a balloon that was filled very quickly and was about to explode. for a moment I thought I was dreaming. Staring into his eyes, unconsciously I started taking steps back as if I was fleeing from him. Jimmy's eyes became darker and his smile that had once on his lips, had disappeared. He asked me again if I would marry him but I was paralyzed and I couldn't say a word. The happiness was taking over from me and I felt my eyes fill with tears that I would not be able to control that they started to go my face. Jimmy was thinking I didn't want to marry him. He looked at the ring, closed the box and put it back in his pocket.
"I thought it was the right time... I'm so sorry... We should go home." - Jimmy said, without looking at me, putting his hands in his coat pockets. I could take no more. I started to feel my stomach bubbling and threw myself into his arms, where I warmly wrapped myself, no longer controlling my tears and grinning like a sweet kid. Slowly, I felt Jimmy's arms around me and he pressed me against his body.
"I do."
“What had you said?”
“I’ll marry you, Jimmy. It's what I want most in my life. My dream is to be with you forever and promise I'll love you until the day we die.”
“Say that again.”
“I wanna marry you and I promise I’ll love you forever, Jimmy!”
“Oh my God, I love you so much, Violet. I love you. I love you. I love you! I really do, Vi. I’m the happiest man in the world!” - Jimmy grabbed me in his arms and started walking around filling me with kisses on my lips, cheeks and neck. He screamed how much she loved me and how much he was happy. I was in ecstasy. I just laughed and clung to him to keep him near me as much as possible. Only five words got out of my mouth: 'I love you so much'. He turned away from me, grabbing my hand. I wiped the tears from his face and he gave me a kiss on my forehead. I couldn't stop smiling. Jimmy looked at the sky and breathed deeply. - "Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me this angel. Without her, I wouldn't be anyone because it thanks to her that I am who I am and it’s thanks to her that I never stop believes in You, in me, in her, in us." - He grabbed my hand, pulled my glove and with the other hand took the ring box out of his pocket. He opened it, took out the ring from there and put it on my ring finger. - "I promise you that during the years that I'll be with you, I will love you more than someone else can love you, I will protect you more than myself and I will respect you as I respect my mother. You are everything to me, Violet. You are everything to me and I don't ever want to lose you."
“And I promise I will love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow everyday of our lives. It’s for you that I struggle daily because you're part of me. Without you, I would be incomplete. I cannot imagine my life without you again, Jimmy. You’re everything to me. You are my life, my soul, my reason for living. And that is why I'll marry you in any way whatsoever. Because the important thing for me is to make you happy and be happy by your side. I love you now and forever.”
“Aw babygirl… come here! I have no words to expl-”- I felt Jimmy giving me a huge squeeze and he stopped talking. I pulled away from him, grabbing his arms and he was making an expression as if he hadn't been feeling well. He closed his eyes and gritted her teeth, taking one of his hands to his heart.
"Jimmy, what's wrong? Jimmy?" - He didn't answer me. I felt his body getting heavy and he clung to me with huge strength, hurting me a bit. I could no longer keep him upright, and Jimmy fell on his knees making me fall with him. - Jimmy, please talk to me! Jimmy, please! "
"Vi... I ca-can't." - Jimmy was starting to stop breathing and he was turning very red with the effort he was making to breathe. I began to panic and the only thing I was doing was yell for him. I took the mobile phone from his pocket, but I was shaking so much it was hard to get it. I left the mobile phone hit the ground, I got it back, always calling Jimmy to make him don't lose the consciousness, and called 911. But the number was not available. I didn't know what to do and it seemed that my brain was blocking. Jimmy shouted increasingly sore and I was becoming crazy. Until I remembered that number was 999 in London and quickly I called to ask for an ambulance. Less than 10 minutes, the ambulance was there and went to the hospital. In the ambulance, the paramedics placed an oxygen mask on Jimmy's face to get control breathing and called a number of machines to control the heartbeat and blood pressure. Jimmy looked at me and held out his hand for me to hold it. he smiled at me but suddenly he started to roll his eyes and his heartbeat began to diminish little by little.
"We're losing him!" - Said one of the paramedics. I started to panic and I didn't know what to think or what to do. I couldn't believe what was happening. And thus I couldn't lose Jimmy this way. He couldn't leave me like this. He couldn't leave without me. Paramedics did resuscitation but it wasn't working until they started giving him electric shocks. I approached Jimmy to somehow try to save him but one of the paramedics pulled me away. However, we arrived at the hospital and went straight to intensive care room. Approached to us a team of doctors who surrounded Jimmy and someone pulled me away from him.
"Come with me." - Said a nurse hugging me and pushing me away from Jimmy.
"I cannot let him go. I don't want to lose him. Please, I cannot lose him." - I cried more and more and I fell to the ground completely helpless and hopeless. The nurse took me to a room where I took two pills and a glass of water. I took the pills and I just remember waking up 2 hours later with my mother and my brother beside me. – “Where’s Jimmy?”
“We don’t know, Vi. We have to wait.”
“No, I can’t wait. I have to know what’s happening with him. He almost died in my arms.” – I jumped from the stretcher and started running but my brother stopped me. – “Let me go, Phil. Let me go, please.”
“Violet, please, stop! You have to wait. You can’t do anything.”
“Yes, I can! I have to save him. if he die, I’ll go with him.”
“Violet, daughter, please keep calm. Jimmy will be okay.”
“He was almost dying, mom. I saw my boyfriend almost dying moments later he had asked me to marry him.” – My mom looked at my brother, showed me a sad smile and looked at her lap. I went to the hallway where, walking from one place to another, I was looking for a nurse or a doctor to ask how was Jimmy. I could not stop crying until Jimmy's phone, which was in my pocket, started ringing. I looked at the screen to check who was. It was Brian. I waited a few moments to give time to him to give up. I wasn't prepared to give such news. I couldn't even speak. But then I thought it would be unfair on my part. Brian was the best friend of Jimmy. So I decided to talk to him after three deep breaths.
“Brian.”
“Violet? Where’s Jimmy?” - I tried to control my tears but each time I tried to do that, I felt like I had a rope around my neck that was pressing more and more. Brian realized that I wasn't well and his tone was calmer to try to understand what was happening. – “Vi… you know you can trust me besides everything but… what happened?”
“I’m in a hos-pital…”
“Hospital?”
“Jimmy’s not okay, Brian…”
“It’s about… it’s about his heart?”
“I don’t know, Brian. He alm-ost died in my ar-ms and I didn’t kn-ow what to do.”
“He’s okay now, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. I’m waiting some good information. You have no idea how hearing the paramedics saying ‘we’re losing him’ killed me inside.”
“Oh my God…” – Brian stopped talking for a while and I just could hear his breaths. – “I go to the airport now. I have to be there.”
“Wait until I know something, Brian. Then I tell you something -"
"Wait? I almost lost my brother and you're asking me to wait?"
"Brian, I saw Jimmy dying in front of me! I just want to make things easier, okay? But do what you want."
"I'm so sorry, Vi. I'm sorry. I didn't..."
"I know you didn't want to say that but I'm dying as you are, okay? I could be far away from Jimmy all these years but it doesn't mean I forgot him, okay? He’s my life, Brian. If he'll die and swear for God I will go with him."
“Please Violet, stop saying that! Please… Jimmy won’t die, okay? He has so many things to do in this life. He has to marry you. You’re the most important thing to him…”
“I know…”
“So, stop crying. He will be fine! And he needs you there with a huge smile.”
“Thank you, Brian.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s strong, Violet. He’s been through worse things, believe me.”
“Marry me, Violet.”
Jimmy grabbed my hand with his free hand and my eyes were just staring at his eyes and at that beautiful ring which was in front of me. I felt happiness was beginning in my chest. it was like a balloon that was filled very quickly and was about to explode. for a moment I thought I was dreaming. Staring into his eyes, unconsciously I started taking steps back as if I was fleeing from him. Jimmy's eyes became darker and his smile that had once on his lips, had disappeared. He asked me again if I would marry him but I was paralyzed and I couldn't say a word. The happiness was taking over from me and I felt my eyes fill with tears that I would not be able to control that they started to go my face. Jimmy was thinking I didn't want to marry him. He looked at the ring, closed the box and put it back in his pocket.
"I thought it was the right time... I'm so sorry... We should go home." - Jimmy said, without looking at me, putting his hands in his coat pockets. I could take no more. I started to feel my stomach bubbling and threw myself into his arms, where I warmly wrapped myself, no longer controlling my tears and grinning like a sweet kid. Slowly, I felt Jimmy's arms around me and he pressed me against his body.
"I do."
“What had you said?”
“I’ll marry you, Jimmy. It's what I want most in my life. My dream is to be with you forever and promise I'll love you until the day we die.”
“Say that again.”
“I wanna marry you and I promise I’ll love you forever, Jimmy!”
“Oh my God, I love you so much, Violet. I love you. I love you. I love you! I really do, Vi. I’m the happiest man in the world!” - Jimmy grabbed me in his arms and started walking around filling me with kisses on my lips, cheeks and neck. He screamed how much she loved me and how much he was happy. I was in ecstasy. I just laughed and clung to him to keep him near me as much as possible. Only five words got out of my mouth: 'I love you so much'. He turned away from me, grabbing my hand. I wiped the tears from his face and he gave me a kiss on my forehead. I couldn't stop smiling. Jimmy looked at the sky and breathed deeply. - "Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me this angel. Without her, I wouldn't be anyone because it thanks to her that I am who I am and it’s thanks to her that I never stop believes in You, in me, in her, in us." - He grabbed my hand, pulled my glove and with the other hand took the ring box out of his pocket. He opened it, took out the ring from there and put it on my ring finger. - "I promise you that during the years that I'll be with you, I will love you more than someone else can love you, I will protect you more than myself and I will respect you as I respect my mother. You are everything to me, Violet. You are everything to me and I don't ever want to lose you."
“And I promise I will love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow everyday of our lives. It’s for you that I struggle daily because you're part of me. Without you, I would be incomplete. I cannot imagine my life without you again, Jimmy. You’re everything to me. You are my life, my soul, my reason for living. And that is why I'll marry you in any way whatsoever. Because the important thing for me is to make you happy and be happy by your side. I love you now and forever.”
“Aw babygirl… come here! I have no words to expl-”- I felt Jimmy giving me a huge squeeze and he stopped talking. I pulled away from him, grabbing his arms and he was making an expression as if he hadn't been feeling well. He closed his eyes and gritted her teeth, taking one of his hands to his heart.
"Jimmy, what's wrong? Jimmy?" - He didn't answer me. I felt his body getting heavy and he clung to me with huge strength, hurting me a bit. I could no longer keep him upright, and Jimmy fell on his knees making me fall with him. - Jimmy, please talk to me! Jimmy, please! "
"Vi... I ca-can't." - Jimmy was starting to stop breathing and he was turning very red with the effort he was making to breathe. I began to panic and the only thing I was doing was yell for him. I took the mobile phone from his pocket, but I was shaking so much it was hard to get it. I left the mobile phone hit the ground, I got it back, always calling Jimmy to make him don't lose the consciousness, and called 911. But the number was not available. I didn't know what to do and it seemed that my brain was blocking. Jimmy shouted increasingly sore and I was becoming crazy. Until I remembered that number was 999 in London and quickly I called to ask for an ambulance. Less than 10 minutes, the ambulance was there and went to the hospital. In the ambulance, the paramedics placed an oxygen mask on Jimmy's face to get control breathing and called a number of machines to control the heartbeat and blood pressure. Jimmy looked at me and held out his hand for me to hold it. he smiled at me but suddenly he started to roll his eyes and his heartbeat began to diminish little by little.
"We're losing him!" - Said one of the paramedics. I started to panic and I didn't know what to think or what to do. I couldn't believe what was happening. And thus I couldn't lose Jimmy this way. He couldn't leave me like this. He couldn't leave without me. Paramedics did resuscitation but it wasn't working until they started giving him electric shocks. I approached Jimmy to somehow try to save him but one of the paramedics pulled me away. However, we arrived at the hospital and went straight to intensive care room. Approached to us a team of doctors who surrounded Jimmy and someone pulled me away from him.
"Come with me." - Said a nurse hugging me and pushing me away from Jimmy.
"I cannot let him go. I don't want to lose him. Please, I cannot lose him." - I cried more and more and I fell to the ground completely helpless and hopeless. The nurse took me to a room where I took two pills and a glass of water. I took the pills and I just remember waking up 2 hours later with my mother and my brother beside me. – “Where’s Jimmy?”
“We don’t know, Vi. We have to wait.”
“No, I can’t wait. I have to know what’s happening with him. He almost died in my arms.” – I jumped from the stretcher and started running but my brother stopped me. – “Let me go, Phil. Let me go, please.”
“Violet, please, stop! You have to wait. You can’t do anything.”
“Yes, I can! I have to save him. if he die, I’ll go with him.”
“Violet, daughter, please keep calm. Jimmy will be okay.”
“He was almost dying, mom. I saw my boyfriend almost dying moments later he had asked me to marry him.” – My mom looked at my brother, showed me a sad smile and looked at her lap. I went to the hallway where, walking from one place to another, I was looking for a nurse or a doctor to ask how was Jimmy. I could not stop crying until Jimmy's phone, which was in my pocket, started ringing. I looked at the screen to check who was. It was Brian. I waited a few moments to give time to him to give up. I wasn't prepared to give such news. I couldn't even speak. But then I thought it would be unfair on my part. Brian was the best friend of Jimmy. So I decided to talk to him after three deep breaths.
“Brian.”
“Violet? Where’s Jimmy?” - I tried to control my tears but each time I tried to do that, I felt like I had a rope around my neck that was pressing more and more. Brian realized that I wasn't well and his tone was calmer to try to understand what was happening. – “Vi… you know you can trust me besides everything but… what happened?”
“I’m in a hos-pital…”
“Hospital?”
“Jimmy’s not okay, Brian…”
“It’s about… it’s about his heart?”
“I don’t know, Brian. He alm-ost died in my ar-ms and I didn’t kn-ow what to do.”
“He’s okay now, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. I’m waiting some good information. You have no idea how hearing the paramedics saying ‘we’re losing him’ killed me inside.”
“Oh my God…” – Brian stopped talking for a while and I just could hear his breaths. – “I go to the airport now. I have to be there.”
“Wait until I know something, Brian. Then I tell you something -"
"Wait? I almost lost my brother and you're asking me to wait?"
"Brian, I saw Jimmy dying in front of me! I just want to make things easier, okay? But do what you want."
"I'm so sorry, Vi. I'm sorry. I didn't..."
"I know you didn't want to say that but I'm dying as you are, okay? I could be far away from Jimmy all these years but it doesn't mean I forgot him, okay? He’s my life, Brian. If he'll die and swear for God I will go with him."
“Please Violet, stop saying that! Please… Jimmy won’t die, okay? He has so many things to do in this life. He has to marry you. You’re the most important thing to him…”
“I know…”
“So, stop crying. He will be fine! And he needs you there with a huge smile.”
“Thank you, Brian.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s strong, Violet. He’s been through worse things, believe me.”
♠ ♠ ♠
It was very hard to me to write this chapter. it's very difficult to have to imagine the pain that Jimmy had to pass along his life. but this is how I try to honor him, trying to show how strong he was and the way he managed to repeatedly exceed the pain that killed him slowly and gradually.