Never Stop Believing

“But it’s not fair…”

“Who said life is fair, Violet?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“About what?”

“Your health problem…”

“I could tell you but… for what? It’s not a problem, actually…”

“It’s not a problem? Jimmy you have a serious health problem. You should tell me.”

“I didn’t, Vi. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. It’s not easy live with this bullshit in my chest. This bullshit that, at the same time, keep me alive. But it hurts, you know? It hurts a lot. But, believe me, what hurts me more is seeing you suffering. I didn’t tell you because I want you to be honest with me. I want you to love me.”

“I think I gotta go…”

“No, Brian. Stay.” – I grabbed Brian arm and asked him to stay there. It was important to me have him there. I needed to say everything that I had stuck in my chest. I needed to take out all this weight that I was holding up all this time. I knew any day I wouldn't have the same luck I had that day and that disease was killing me slowly. I avoided talking about it to keep the people I love around me just because the person I am and not for the fact that I could die at any moment. And Violet... Violet was the only person who shouldn't know about it. I had the notion that our relationship would change radically from that moment. She would be with me out of pity. If she wouldn't love me anymore, she would never say that because she doesn't want me to die alone. She would avoid so many things simply not to hurt me, because I'm sick, because I have a disease that can kill me today, tomorrow or 10 years from now.
Brian stopped and looked at me with his brown sad eyes. I looked at him, removing the oxygen mask and, then, I looked at Violet grabbing her hand and wiping the tears from her face with my cold hand but she turned away from me.

“Do you have doubts about my love for you?”

“Of course not. Why are you asking that?”

“You said you didn’t tell me about this because you want me to be honest with you… because you want me to love you… why did you say that, Jimmy? I thought I showed that perfectly to you. I try, at least.”

“Violet… I know you love me and I know you’re always honest with me but… will you say to me you won’t treat me in a different way from now on?”

“In a different way? Jimmy, you know I’m not that kind of person who feels pity about somebody but you are-”

“Yeah, I’m different from other people… Brian always knew about this and never treated me differently, right Brian?”

“Yeah but-” - Brian said, trying to give his opinion about everything that he was watching but I didn't let him finish. He was completely lost and confused, trying to intervene to prevent the worst but he wasn't enough. No one could stop me at that moment.

“See? Brian knows what I’m talking about. And I know you’ll act like I’m a nerd or a powerless guy who needs special cares and all that shit… please, Violet…” - Violet looked at me with a huge sadness expressed in her eyes. Her whole body language was showing me the despair which was invading her but I could not see it at the time. It was like I was blind. I just wanted to take her out of that situation.

“I will forget what you said right now, Jimmy.”

“No, you can’t forget-”

“Jimmy, take it easy, buddy. You will end up saying things you don’t want to say.” - I ignored Brian's advice and also ignored what my heart was telling me. I was a ticking time bomb that time, neither I was realizing how much I was hurting Violet.

“You know what? We should break up. Yeah. It’s the best thing we can do right now.”

“WHAT?” - Violet got up from the chair and it's as if her body had frozen. She suddenly turned pale and her body lost strength. She began to walk along the room from one corner to the other in panic. Her body swayed and her steps were heavy and dragged. I had the notion of the harm I was doing to me and her. Brian looked at me and I nodded to him to help her. Brian approached Violet, putting his arm around her waist bringing her to the chair where, before, she sat near my stretcher. She had no more strength to cry. She looked at me like an act of desperation asking mercy but the anger which had invaded me was greater than all. I lost so much with this disease and I was about to lose the woman I most loved in my entire life.

“Jimmy, bro. Calm down. It’s not the best choice!” – Brian said looking at Violet and me trying to show me what I was really doing.

“I’m sorry, Violet but… forget the wedding. Forget everything. We can be friends but… I know everything will change from now and-”

“You can’t be serious! My God! You can’t be serious, Jimmy!”

“You don’t understand-”

“I always understood you. It was because of that we started dating so soon and our love still remains. Jimmy, I don’t wanna leave you alone right now…”

“See? You’re saying that beca-”

“I’m saying this because I love you, Jimmy. I do love you. You promised…”

“I know I promised we would be together till the end but… this is the end, Violet.”

“You promised but I also promised, Jimmy. I'm not sorry for you and you don't understand it but at least I want to be the person you want to be until the last seconds from your life and you don't understand it, Jimmy. Why, God damn it?”

“Go home, Violet. I need to be alone.”