For Every Ending, A New Beginning
Memories.
They say your life is just composed of memories, some good and some bad. These memories make you who you are. They shape every fiber of you whether you are aware or not, it starts at the first memory you can recall, to the worst memories of yesterday. Some of them I wish I could forget.
I remember the day Jimmy went so clearly it haunts me. A day I wish I could erase from ever happening. Seeing him lying there, so helpless, the spirit from his eyes gone. He had a peaceful, yet undeniably painful look upon his face. I can’t recall how long I stood there staring at him, I didn’t have to touch him or go any closer than the doorway to know that he was gone. I am anything but religious, but at that moment I closed my eyes and prayed, I prayed harder than any person could ever imagine. I prayed it was a sick dream, that I would open my eyes and sigh in relief that it wasn’t real.
But then I opened my eyes, and he was still motionless. Still pale, life still gone. I wanted to run, to be anywhere but standing there staring at the lifeless body of my brother, my best friend. But I couldn’t move, it felt as though there were iron bars attached to my legs, holding me in place, forcing me to stay. If it weren’t for Brian’s voice, I’m not certain how long I would have stayed there.
Brian called my name, yelled it even. We were coming to get Jimmy for a day in the studio. It was just like any other studio day, I was just going to drop Brian and Jimmy off and then spend the day shopping with the other girls, or the beach, or anything we could think of.
Why couldn’t it just be like any other boring studio day?
Brian called my names several time from the bottom of the stairs, asking me what was the hold up and if Jimmy was screwing around as usual, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t open my mouth even though I just wanted to scream. After no answers, Brian made his way up the stairs, I could hear his footsteps on the wood behind me. He was mid-sentence when he saw. He grabbed me and it was like he lifted the weight. I was not aware of the tears pouring from my face, I stepped forward when he dropped my arm to reach his cell phone. I made my way to Jimmy, grabbing his hand, it was stiff, cold, the opposite of the warmth I would usually feel when I would touch him. I could hear Brian talking furiously to someone on the other end, I assume 911. I’m not sure how long I sat there touching him, crying. It must have been some time, because the wailing in the distance I became more clear and before I knew it there were a couple of people trying to move me from him, I just kept saying “No.” I didn’t want to leave my brother. Brian finally pulled me away; he got me to the car before I fell against it, crying, unable to do anything but stand there against the car. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or talk to me, my brother was gone. I didn’t want to believe it, and I couldn’t.
It gets so blurry from there. One minute I remember standing there, watching a man pull a stretcher with a white sheet over it, forever engraving that image in my mind. I looked to Brian, he was no better off than me, his eyes already bloodshot, I could see him fighting to keep it together. Then the next thing I know, I’m standing in Matt’s kitchen with Brian, we were trying to explain but nothing was coming out right. I managed to say “Jimmy’s dead” before losing any composure I might have had. At first he stood there, and then Brian simply gave the name of the hospital they took his body to and then we grabbed each other, Brian holding me tighter than ever before. I cried into his chest, waiting for him to make it better, but knowing nothing in the world could ever change what was.
I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I felt like nothing, I felt like the world was empty. I’d never imagined a day like this, a day worse than any other, a memory that would haunt me for the rest of my life. A memory that changed me, and a memory that would nearly cause the ruin of everything I knew.
My brother was gone, Jimmy Sullivan, the one man that was always there for everyone, would never be there again. How do you handle that?
How do you start a new beginning?
I remember the day Jimmy went so clearly it haunts me. A day I wish I could erase from ever happening. Seeing him lying there, so helpless, the spirit from his eyes gone. He had a peaceful, yet undeniably painful look upon his face. I can’t recall how long I stood there staring at him, I didn’t have to touch him or go any closer than the doorway to know that he was gone. I am anything but religious, but at that moment I closed my eyes and prayed, I prayed harder than any person could ever imagine. I prayed it was a sick dream, that I would open my eyes and sigh in relief that it wasn’t real.
But then I opened my eyes, and he was still motionless. Still pale, life still gone. I wanted to run, to be anywhere but standing there staring at the lifeless body of my brother, my best friend. But I couldn’t move, it felt as though there were iron bars attached to my legs, holding me in place, forcing me to stay. If it weren’t for Brian’s voice, I’m not certain how long I would have stayed there.
Brian called my name, yelled it even. We were coming to get Jimmy for a day in the studio. It was just like any other studio day, I was just going to drop Brian and Jimmy off and then spend the day shopping with the other girls, or the beach, or anything we could think of.
Why couldn’t it just be like any other boring studio day?
Brian called my names several time from the bottom of the stairs, asking me what was the hold up and if Jimmy was screwing around as usual, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t open my mouth even though I just wanted to scream. After no answers, Brian made his way up the stairs, I could hear his footsteps on the wood behind me. He was mid-sentence when he saw. He grabbed me and it was like he lifted the weight. I was not aware of the tears pouring from my face, I stepped forward when he dropped my arm to reach his cell phone. I made my way to Jimmy, grabbing his hand, it was stiff, cold, the opposite of the warmth I would usually feel when I would touch him. I could hear Brian talking furiously to someone on the other end, I assume 911. I’m not sure how long I sat there touching him, crying. It must have been some time, because the wailing in the distance I became more clear and before I knew it there were a couple of people trying to move me from him, I just kept saying “No.” I didn’t want to leave my brother. Brian finally pulled me away; he got me to the car before I fell against it, crying, unable to do anything but stand there against the car. I didn’t want anyone to touch me or talk to me, my brother was gone. I didn’t want to believe it, and I couldn’t.
It gets so blurry from there. One minute I remember standing there, watching a man pull a stretcher with a white sheet over it, forever engraving that image in my mind. I looked to Brian, he was no better off than me, his eyes already bloodshot, I could see him fighting to keep it together. Then the next thing I know, I’m standing in Matt’s kitchen with Brian, we were trying to explain but nothing was coming out right. I managed to say “Jimmy’s dead” before losing any composure I might have had. At first he stood there, and then Brian simply gave the name of the hospital they took his body to and then we grabbed each other, Brian holding me tighter than ever before. I cried into his chest, waiting for him to make it better, but knowing nothing in the world could ever change what was.
I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I felt like nothing, I felt like the world was empty. I’d never imagined a day like this, a day worse than any other, a memory that would haunt me for the rest of my life. A memory that changed me, and a memory that would nearly cause the ruin of everything I knew.
My brother was gone, Jimmy Sullivan, the one man that was always there for everyone, would never be there again. How do you handle that?
How do you start a new beginning?
♠ ♠ ♠
First chapter of new story. Updates will not be daily as I am a full time college student. However, please, all feedback is welcome. As always, when leaving feedback please remember there is a fine line between being respectful and pointing out the good and bad, and being an ass. :)