State of Grace

TWO WEEKS LATER:
The farm bike has been playing up lately, just having a few mechanical problems, so after milking one morning Grace and her father are in the barn working on it. Or rather, Logan is working on it and Grace is lying on the newest pile of wrapped hay bales and day dreaming.

The piles of bales used to act as playgrounds for Grace and Jacob when they were little, hiding in the cracks during games of Hide and Seek, running all over them and jumping them and using it as a mock fortress were some of their favourite games. That was back when they were younger, when Grace can remember thinking that the farm was her whole wide world. Her Dad would bundle her and Jacob up in warm clothes and then pile them on the four wheeler and take them on trips up the back of the farm to fix fences, check stock or whatever else needed doing. It was usually when Sarah was at work and not home to look after them, but Grace never minded being out on the farm.

When she was little she would get off the bike at every stop and gaze at the area around them –the giant sweeping green hills, the never-ending out lay of grassy paddocks that seemed to stretch forever and the line of trees so far away that you could barely make them out, the ones that separated one farms boundary from another’s.

Being out here was Grace’s favourite place to be.

And in a way, it still kind of is, given that it’s where she grew up, a land that she works and knows like the back of her hand. But since returning from her trip to Pittsburgh, she really hasn't been able to focus on anything else other than living inside her own head. Thinking about the city, dreaming about it and wanting to be there. It seems so wide and full of possibility, so wonderful and unbelievable on a scale against the small rural town she lives in.

Today, she is cut short from her day dream as her father bounds over to her and grabs a tool from the box at her feet, giving her a look.

“Sorry,” she apologizes, knowing the act of handing over tools was her job, much like an assistant in a surgery. “What did you need?”

“ I've got it,” Logan replies, holding up the silver tool in question. He glances back down at the tool box for a moment, then back up at Grace with a thoughtful look on his face.

“Gracie,” he says, calm and gentle, “You’re not really here, are you?”

“What? No, Dad, I’m here.”

Logan laughs. “No, honey, I mean your head isn't really here is it? You've been distracted ever since you got back from your trip.” He reaches back and rubs the back of his neck then pats down the collar of his plaid shirt. “Your Mom told me about the boy you met on your trip. She said you two spent quite a lot of time together.”

When she had gotten back, Grace had quietly skipped over the parts where her and Sid’s relationship had formed, figuring that her Dad –and Jacob, who came home that weekend to collect his candy- hadn't really needed to be all inclusively brought in all the details of that. The tour of the city and the dinner they knew about, but not so much the in between and more meaningful parts.

She laughs now though, shaking her head at the fact that only her father could talk about Sidney Crosby like he is some sort of ‘boy from down the road’.

Apparently at the mention of Sid there is some sort of look that brightens on her face to accompany the laugh, because her father cocks his head at her for a moment and then smiles.

“You really like this kid, don’t you?”

‘Really like’ doesn't even begin to touch upon explaining it, like it’s literally not even the tip of the ice berg, but Grace settles for it. As close as she and her father are, the only Boy Talk discussion they had was when she came home crying when Rusty broke up with her so this is somewhat –not uncomfortable, but un-chartered territory.

“Yeah, Dad,” she nods, beaming. “I guess I really do.”

“Is it…you know…serious between you two?” Logan asks, dragging the word ‘serious’ out in the hopes that it will meet the requirements to indicate whatever ‘serious’ means to kids today. He got lucky and met his soul mate already, he hardly considers himself an expert on women or the dating game.

Grace makes a face. “I don’t know. I guess it’s, ah, as serious as things can be when he lives in one country and I live in another.”

Logan nods, watching his daughter’s face. He knows her well enough to know where to look for what clue. “Uh-huh. And what are you planning on doing about that?”

Grace shrugs. “I’m not really sure.”

Her father waits a moment longer as if expecting her to change her answer, but Grace seriously has no idea what she is going to do about it. She has thought about it, pretty much endlessly, but not yet reached a solution that would please everybody. You just can’t be in two places at once.

Logan heads back to work on the bike and Grace slips back into her day dream and they work like that for a little while, until Logan pops his head up from where he is currently crouched on the other side of the bike and says, “Do you love him?”

Grace nearly falls off her bale. “What?”

Logan just repeats it with as much seriousness as the first time.

“Maybe,” Grace answers. She doesn't really know what love for someone other than a family member feels like. She thought she had love with Rusty, but she didn't and that’s the only type she’s ever experienced. Even that was nothing like what she feels now for Sid, though.

Logan takes that on board, standing up and wiping his hands on a dirty rag.

“Is it finished?” she asks, referring to the bike.

He shakes his head no to Grace’s question but rounds the bike back to her anyway, slinking up on to the bale to sit beside her.

“Gracie,” he says, “I think it’s time we had a talk.”

Grace cringes, sincerely hoping that her father is aware she’s beyond the Birds and the Bees discussion.

“Okay.”

Logan takes a big breath in and lets it go, placing his hand on Grace’s knee. “Gracie, you know that I love having you working here with me right? Your Mother and I, we are so grateful that you have been here to help us out. God knows we couldn't have afforded to pay a worker a normal wage these last few years,” he starts out. “But I think that the time has come for you to go and give your self a life. A real one.”

“Huh?”

“Honey,” he sighs heavily, “You are a great worker, but we both know that you were destined for bigger things than slaving away here. You deserve bigger things than this. Your Mom and I, we chose this life. That doesn't mean you have to. You’re a smart girl, Grace. You can be or do anything you want to and I think that this trip you took opened up your eyes for you to see that there is a big world out there waiting for you.”

“Whoa, Dad,” Grace breathes a little jadedly. “I’m okay with being on the farm, you know that right? I didn't just stay through some family obligation. When I made the decision to stay it was because it was what I wanted.”

“Yes.” Logan nods like Grace has somehow hit the nail right on the head with her comment. “It was what you wanted, then. This is now though, Grace. This is now, when you've gotten a taste of what’s out there for you, and what you’re missing out on.”

Grace sits in stunned silence, running this back and forth in her head. Logan slips off the bale and stands in front of her.

“Grace, I think,” he pauses, taking a breath and swallowing it, “I think that you should go to Pittsburgh.”

Okay, now she must really be dreaming for sure.

Her father puts his hands on her gumboots, the contact meaning that this isn't a dream. This is real life. He really wants her to leave, to forgo the farm that she needs to work on to keep it a float, to just leave and ‘find a life’. What does that even mean? Well, Grace actually thinks she has a fair idea of what that means, but why is he wanting this now? Did her parents win the lottery and just not tell her?

“You’d love it there,” Logan encourages. “You could watch you beloved team play whenever you like, you could live in that huge city instead of this little town and you could really find something that suits you, Grace. Instead of doing what you think you should be, you could find and do what you really want to do. I think that would be the best for you, I really do.”

Grace tries to get some air, head still spinning.

“This boy, he could really be the push you need to finally get out of here,” Logan adds.

“And what?” Grace asks. “I’m supposed to just leave the farm, ignore it, and go show up on Sid’s doorstep? We don’t- we haven’t even….You’re acting crazy, Dad.”

“Listen, the craziest thing I ever did was move my life to be with your Mother, but you know what? It was also the best thing I ever did. I've had all these amazing years with her, and we've been blessed with you and Jacob. I would never forgive myself if I kept you from a love like that, Grace,” Logan finishes gravely, his face entire face darkening with the thought.

Grace lets that sink in and turns her face away, needing a moment.

“Not every boy is like that idiot Rusty Simpson, waiting with a stupid note to hand you, honey,” her father reinforces, thinking that is the problem. “Not every boy is going to break your heart. There are a good few out there and from what your Mom tells me, it sounds like you've found one. Do yourself a favour and give him a chance, Gracie. If you care about him like I think you do, give yourself that chance.”

“What about you and Mom?” Grace asks, her voice low and small. “What about the farm? Even if I do go, if things work out with Sid and I or they don’t, if I get a job there or find something I love to do, what happens here?”

Logan smiles, reaching forward to bring Grace’s face back so he can see her eyes and say this once, make sure she understands it. “We live,” he says warmly. “We coped before you finished school-”

“-with the farm work,” Grace interrupts, “but I milked every morning and afternoon-”

“-and the financial situation has gotten better thanks to years of the peanuts we've been paying you,” he continues. “We’re fine, Grace. We will be fine. I think we could maybe afford to finally bring somebody else in, and if worst comes to worst, your Mom and I have been thinking about selling. Who knows, maybe you could scout houses for us in Pittsburgh? We missed out on the world so far, but we sure as hell don’t want you to.”

Grace shrugs her shoulders and releases a heavy sigh. “So what do I do?”

Logan smiles. “Excuse the cheesiness of this, but, you do whatever your heart is telling you to.”