You Can't Save Me

She was sick of it.

Sick of being ugly.
Sick of being stupid.
Sick of being fat.
Sick of being worthless.
Sick of being herself.
Sick of this world.
Sick of living.

That was the simple truth. There was no point to her. She was useless, pointless. She hated being stuck in this world. She wanted freedom, quiet, the silence of death. The promise this would end. The quiet and serenity death offers. She wants to run, to scream, to fly.  

But she doesn't. She already knows to block emotion, hide everything under that smile and the "I'm just tired.". Finally she gets to leave, follow her dream of endless freedom.

Finding a piece of paper she scrawls quickly her last words, explaining to her parents to the world the reasons she doesn't deserve to live her, reasons to take her life. She knows this letter by heart already as she wrote it so many times before, each giving up and throwing it away. 

She truly wishes she never was born. She only causes pain. No one cares. She found the pills, tied the noose, and grabbed her razor. She imagined this day so many times. Dreamed of it. Craved it.

She does through the moves like a well rehearsed play. She's been waiting for this day. Before she could stop herself she does it.

One part of her wishes someone will stop her, knock on that locked door and for once honestly ask if she's ok. She wishes once she could answer no and tell someone everything. Someone that would accept and help.

But she is not a child anymore, she knows to put away childish thoughts. There is no one, no fairy godmother to flash a wand and take the pain away. Her happily ever after. The thought makes her laugh.  

She is all alone as she always was.

The pain is excruciating but she welcomes it, basking in its agony.

Soon the world begins to blur, like a bad film. This is it, she thinks finally I'll be free as she lies down on the tiled bathroom floor. Unconsciousness soon follows coating her in its dark  blanket.

She closes her eyes finally at peace. 

**************************************************************************

The mother knocks on the bathroom door for the twentieth time yelling her daughters name.

She arrived home to the deathly quiet home, and the bathroom door locked. Finally she takes a screwdriver and breaks down the door.

She isn't prepared for the sight in front of her. She immediately breaks down in tears.

Her beautiful daughter lies on the floor, chest no longer going up, eyes closed. The mother desperately tries to return life into her daughter.

But it's too late. She's gone. She can't believe it. It can't be.

She'd wake up. Everything would be fine. Her body would turn warm again and she'd laugh that sweet laugh of hers.

But she won't. She won't ever laugh again.

The mother desperately calls for a ambulance barely managing to speak through her tears. They arrive to tell her there's nothing to be done.

She's gone forever. The mother is forced to call her husband and tell him the angel they created is now in heaven.

To tell her older sister that she'll never laugh with her baby sister again.

To explain to her younger brother the reason his older sisters never going to come home again.

She calls the school administration to tell them her daughters left the school permanently.

It's a small town. By the next day her classmates have all learned the quiet girl, the one who always smiled, who was always such a great listener and friend is gone. They're all shocked, stunned.

No one knew her story. No one knew what she was going through.

The funeral arrives. People just can't believe it, can't grasp her death. They play all her favorite songs. She's covered in her favorite flower. They call her a angel.

But they're wrong. She never was a angel. She's a fallen angel, a misfit. The person that never fits in with others.

The days go by. Her chair in the back of the class stays empty. No one want to sit there.

Her father immerses himself in work to forget his baby girl is gone. He spends every waking minute counting numbers so he can stop counting minute since his daughters last breath.

Her mother can't stand it. She can't wake up in the mornings knowing her daughter isn't there. Two weeks after she goes over to that horrid bathroom and realizes there isn't a point to her life without her daughter. She misses her so badly. How can she eat, smile, laugh, live when her daughter will never experience it? Finally she does it. She's gone like her daughter.

Her older sister, the one who taught everything she knew can't deal with the pain of her sisters death. She finds comfort in the blade, bleeding over her sister.

Her baby brother, to young to grasp why can only ask repeatedly where his sister is. No one answers him. Later he finds out what happened. He can't believe he didn't find away to help her somehow. He regrets it forever.

Her friends can't get why. They thought she was fine. She was happy. She never told them otherwise. She was so strong always laughing, making jokes.

Her best friend , the one who thought she knew you finds emptiness in everything. She starts to take therapy. It doesn't help. Soon she has to take anti depressant pills just do she won't join her.

She thought no one cared. Everyone could have helped. She just needed to ask.

She will never graduate, never drive, never get married, never go on that road trip, never go to college,never have children, never chase her dream.

She will never live.