Your Forever Is All That I Need

~Dax's P.O.V~

My eyes slipped closed, what I hoped would be for good. Breathe. I took a few deep breaths. My mind laughed at my helplessness and continued to taunt me through sick whispers. "Kellin," I groaned, smashing my hands against my ears. "Kellin, where are you? I need you. Oh God...!"

They couldn't be stopped. The silence echoing off the white walls encouraged the taunts further, deeper, striking every damaged nerve in my system.

The blackest, most haunting memories tugged my shaking hands to the bathroom, where I soon lean over the sink, trying to vomit them out. They wouldn't leave. They wouldn't shut up. They ate and crawled their way through my head, forcing me down on my knees. They giggled as they took control of my fingers, opening the cupboard beneath the sink.

My hand danced through the miscellaneous until my fingers snaked around cold metal. I could hear their hoots of satisfaction when I pulled it out. The sharp piece of silver shined against the overhead light, guiding me out of this dark place.

No, I whimpered. I promised Kellin I wouldn't. The memories pushed my hand that gripped the blade to my wrist, hovering over the delicate skin. I screamed Kellin's name. No! I said no! As much as I wanted to resist the blade, if Kellin wasn't here, It was the only way to the shut the memories closed.

For a little while.

The knife sliced deep, vertical lines into my soft skin. The sharp pain from my arm succesfully distracted me from the noise in my head. But the blood running off my arm didn't soothe the pain of the realization of what I just did.

Pictures of Kellin clouded my mind. He's going to be so upset. The knife cut deeper. I wanted to make him proud. Show him I could stop. Deeper. I craved for him, his voice, his touch, to soothe all my pain.

He was my Superman. And I needed him to save me.

I stared at the blood surrounding me, now stained on the tiles. I hadn't even noticed I'd slashed up my left arm, too. Blood, blood, everywhere. My head started to throb. I blinked a few times to shake off the dizziness. The rapid shaking only made my head spin worse. Around and around, spinning images of blood and Kellin, memories and Kellin.

I was suddenly afraid.

I couldn't even stand up.

I couldn't even see.

In that moment, I realized it. This is it. And it all happened so fast.
I stood up, only to fall straight back down, hitting my head on the tile...

And I think that's when I blacked out.

~Kellin's P.O.V~

I traced the black, pink, and red doodles on her unbandaged forearm. The name permanently inked on her skin. My name. The smooth, colorful cursive glowed against her pale skin. I followed the pink line that formed the 'K' down to the 'N,' tracing the numerous hearts that were tattooed around my name as well.

I glanced at her expressionless face for a reaction, for a sign she knew I was here.

Her face reamined the same, emotionless and pale.

I couldn't fight back tears any longer. I let them ooze down my cheeks, a few falling on Dax's hand that I squeezed on to.
Can she even feel that?

Dax. Please, baby. I should've been there, but I'm here now. Wake up.

Another thought bloomed in my head. Why wasn't I there? My stomach tied with a sick feeling of regret and anger.

If I was there like I said I would be, she wouldn't have cut.

If I was there, she wouldn't be here.

Fuck.

I put my lips to her gauzed up forearm, trailing sweet kisses up to her neck. She was so beautiful. Everything about her, breathtaking. The way her cheeks turned a pretty pink when I smiled at her. The way she melted in my arms. How she would subconsciously snuggle so close to me in her sleep, holding onto me all night. Never letting go. Sometimes I couldn't believe she was mine.

I kissed her lips, praying for a movement, a reaction, anything...

"Dax," I breathed, "I fucking love you. I need you. Please don't leave me, please." My voice broke near the end, tears drenching my cheeks.

I thought she stopped. She promised she would. She told me she threw her razors out! Did she want to die?

The thought of that made me sick. I remembered what the docotor said. She lost alot of blood, too much blood. Between her arm wounds and the gash on her head, there was a slim chance she'd wake up from this...coma-like state she was in.

No. She'll wake up...I wiped my face and tried to compose myself. I sat back down on the plastic red chair that was pushed close to Dax's hopital bed. The soft beeping sounding from the monitor kept me somewhat sane.

Just keep your heart beating, love. Keep it beating.

I kept my head between my hands, leaking a silent stream of curses directed towards myself. It's simple. I am stupid. I am utterly and ridiculously stupid. I should've been there sooner. The fuck did I do? I almost killed my girlfriend. Heavy guilt burdened my wearied self.

My mind buzzed with everything and nothing. Is this how Dax feels when things overwhelm her? Damn, I thought, I'd wanna die too. Your mind just doesn't like to shut up. It's always there to contradict and confuse, bringing shit up you really don't want to remember or think about.

I peeked up at Dax. Her stillness was driving me insane. It was odd, seeing her so...quiet. Yeah, she was a quiet, shy girl, but she never seemed to be that way with me. She's always so open with me. She hides such a beautiful thing from the world.

The back pocket of my jeans buzzed. I reluctantly checked the text. Why, in the HELL, would I want to talk to anyone right now? I read the following message:

Gabe: When you comin home?

I glared at the screen. When she wakes up, asshole, I thought, but I responded with a more polite message. I didn't need to take things out on poor Gabe.

Me: When she's okay.

A few minutes later, he responded.

Gabe: She still dead?

I gawked at his blatant question. Is she still dead?

Me: Uhhhhhhhh?????? Yeah?????????? Dude just...

I sighed. Tonight was going to be a long, long night.
x~x~x~x~x~x

I checked the time on my phone, the numbers mushed and morphed together. I squinted to read them better. 4:48 A.M. My eyes burned like hell. I doubted I'd even feel anything if someone doused them in peroxide.
My body was numbing with severe exhaustion. But no matter how tired I got, I refused to let go of Dax's hand. I never let my eyes off her.

She was going to wake up. I was positive. You see, the doctors don't know my Dax. A few times I saw her eyes twich, or her head move the slightest. I convinced myself it wasn't my sleep-deprived eyes conjouring up the images, and I knew without a doubt my Dax was going to wake up.

But when, I don't know.

Eventually, I could see sunlight peek through the white hospital drapes. I watched as the room began to lighten, shade after shade. I was afraid to stand up or move, afraid that If I did my exhausted body would give in.

"Sir?"

I turned my head slightly, wearily, at the sound of a female voice. A lean, blond nurse tapped my shoulder.

"We are going to perform an opearation on Dax Green? It was scheduled for last night, but the doctor decided it would be best if she rested for the night. We will need you to leave, you may come back when the operation is completed," she assesed me with curious eyes, "and in the meantime, you should consider sleeping. You look like a hot mess."

I nodded and sat there for a few minutes while the nurse scribbled onto a notebook, until I realized she was watching me.

"Uhem, are you two together?" She nodded to Dax. "Yes," I replied. She looked at me, thoughtful.

"If I remember correctly, she is here because of self-inflicted cut wounds on her forearms? You know, sir, If you were to ask me, I believe she will arise from this coma."

I looked at her and just stared. "You don't think she's gonna die? Because I think I killed her," I said flatly. I was disgusted with myself.

She shook her blonde curls.

"I use to cut. I woke up, eventually, in my empty apartment, back to my empty life. I cut to die, and I failed, another thing to add to my list of fails. But you know what? I never, ever had someone who really loved me. Love is something that makes lives and kills live. It is the very thing we are all born from, and sometimes the very thing that kills us. I think that your Dax here is gonna wake up and go, 'wow, what I was thinking? I've got everything I need right here." She smiled, and pointed to me with her pen.

I nodded. "When she wakes up, please tell me as soon as possible." I gathered up enough strength to stand up and shake the nurses hand. "Thank you Ms-" "Call me Kate. And you're welcome, um..." She bit her lip. I smiled. "Kellin."

I opened the heavy wooden doors, blowing a kiss to Dax before walking out.

I can't promise that things won't be broken, but I sware that I will never leave.

Ever.

x~x~x~

I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to Heaven I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now...

You bleed just to know you're alive.

~Dax's P.O.V.~

It started in my toes, then rose slowly up my body. The beautiful, tingling sensation of consciousness. At first, I was peaceful, in this unfamiliar, burning-of-anteseptic white room. But then it hit me.

The blood.

The ambulance.

The doctors.

The mile-long strips of gauze.

Kellin, screaming.

His terrified screams.

I blinked at the rememberance of all this, trying to take it all in. Above everything, I needed Kellin. And now.

I sat up in the hospital bed and pulled down the bleached-white sheets. Everything was so white. And I felt so dirty.

I called to the nurse in the corner, who seemed to be writing something on a clipboard.

"Uh, hey, nurse?"

She twirled around. "Oh! You're awake!" She smiled. "I'm nurse Kate. I talked to your boyfriend, who was here a little earlier." My eyes widened. "Oh, u-uh really? W-what did h-he s-say?" I tried to stay calm, although I was nervous. Was he pissed? Did he hate me?

She walked closer to me, resting her hand on the bed's railing. "Well, he stayed here for a full twenty-four hours. Never slept once. He was up all day and night, watching you. He was terrified." I raised an eyebrow. "Really?" She gave me a warm smile and pat on the shoulder.

"Yes. He was so worried. Worse than worried. He really needs to see you. Would you like me to call him in? He refused to go home, he slept for an hour or two in the waiting room." She chuckled. I nodded. "Yes, thank you very much."

She left, and a few minutes after, Kellin walked in. The sight of him melted me.

"Dax," He breathed.

"Kellin."

I cried as he came over and wrapped his arms around me, raining kisses on my hair and face. His familiar sweet scent engulfed my senses, leaving me weak.

"Fuck, Dax, are you okay?" I hugged him as tight as I could. "Now I am." When he pulled away slightly, I could see the tears seeping his cheeks. "I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am. I can't believe what I did to you. I'm so sorry. I sware, I am so sorry," He whispered.

He stroked my cheek with his thumb, his eyes brimming with a love that overwhelmed me. His face held so much guilt. I bit my lip and shook my head, trying to fight back tears. "No, Kellin. Don't be. It wasn't your fault." And it really wasn't.

He pressed his forehead against mine. "If I was there, all this wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry. I was at Gabe's, finishing up practice, and I forgot I told you I'd be home early...I didn't even notice the time...I'm such a fuckup." He groaned.
If the I.V cord didn't leash me to the bed, I would've jumped off and hugged him. Instead, I beckoned him to come closer. I couldn't hug him due to my gauzed up arms, so I kissed him lightly on his lips.

"If I wasn't chained up to this bed, I would be tackling you to the ground. Kellin Quinn, this is not your fault. At all. I was the one who decided to cut myself up! Not you! It's just...I want to be able to fight my urges to cut. On my own. I have to, because you won't always be there. And if you're not, that's not your fault! You can't be glued to me every second of every day."

He smirked. "Yes I can be. Just watch."

He attacked my lips with his, driven by pure hunger. I cursed myself in my head that I couldn't give much, except kiss back. His fingers danced over my skin. I shivered, but not because it was cold. Because of the heat.

The sound from the monitor sped up as my heart rate did. Of course. Kellin pulled away and laughed. "Excited much?" I bit my lip, embarrased because it was true. I could just feel my face reddening.

He placed his cool hand on my burning cheek. "You're adorable. You have no idea how amazing it is to see you blush like that. You've been, well, very pale the past day or two."

I fought back a smile, still embarrased. He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "Are you okay? Do you need a nurse?" I shook my head. "I wanna go home." He nodded. "I'll get a nurse to check you out, and then we'll leave."

He placed his hand on mine. "Hey, Dax? I wanted to ask you something..." He trailed off, looking down on the floor. "Ask," I said.

"Well, I don't know how to ask politely but...why did you cut? I mean, you promised me you threw all the razors and knives out. And I'm not even mad about that, It's just...Ugh, I don't know. What made you cut?"

He spoke quietly, never meeting my eyes. I took a deep breath.
"I was just remembering a time with my Dad. It was when he just finished beating me. I was bruised and bloody. I was ten. And he was sitting on the couch, a beer in his hand. I stood in the hallway. I asked him a smiple question. 'Dad, why do you hit me?' and he just looked at me, and said, 'because everytime I look at you I remember your worthless, slutty mother.' And It just hit a nerve. I don't know."

I hoped he knew what I was getting at. I really didn't want to go into too much detail. Kellin kept quiet, but looked me in the eyes.

"Dax, just you breathing is a gift. Never, ever doubt your worth. Some memories are good, some are bad. And some really, really suck. But there are those that are worth living for."

With that, Kellin pressed the little red button on the wall.

"Yes?" A nurse replied. "Can we get a nurse in here to check on Dax? Thanks." A few minutes later, a nurse walked in. She checked my vitals and said I was clear to go home. She handed me a little bottle of pills to take for the pain she said I might experience from hitting my head, and some extra bandages.

Kellin argued with me to let him carry me to his car. I whined that I could walk by myself, but he didn't care. It took almost an hour to get home. When we finally did, it was around 5:00 P.M, and I was tired.

We were both laying on the couch. I was laying with half my body on Kellin's, his fingers combing through my hair. As I fought with my eyes' pleas for sleep, I thought back on all of my memories with Kellin, versus the ones that put me to the blade.

Yeah. There are some memories worth living for.