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Give Me Love
Chapter 1
10/21/2011
Dear Diary,
I cry a lot.
Its interesting though, if you were to ask my friends they would say that I never cry. I guess that is something about me. I'm good at hiding how I feel. Its an art, if you will, that I have perfected over the years. How many people can say that if someone says something rude to them or mean that they can just turn it off. I like to think of myself as a brick or a wall. If someone says something that hits deep, and I mean really deep like in the pit of my stomach, I just tighten up. But not in that obvious stiffing way that looks like someone is recovering from a slap or shock. More like, well, I don't know really. But I'm good at it.
Sometimes I cry in the shower. Other times I cry right before bed. Or, if its bad, on car rides alone. I like to drive alone. Not all the time, but sometimes. Its a good way to think about things. I have a lot to think about. Which is also interesting because I'm only seventeen. When I was ten, I used to picture what it would be like to be seventeen. I'd picture driving around with your friends, going to the mall with out your mom, going to parties, being in high school. I never thought about how much I'd have to think about.
I don't think you can think about what you're going to have to think about when your ten because you still have that whole innocence thing going on. Except, I'm not sure I ever really had it.
That might of been a bad way to put. I wish I could erase it, but I'm writing in pen and that would look sloppy.
I like things neat.
Except my room. Isn't that funny? If you were to look in my notebooks you'd think I was the most organized person to walk the planet. But, you step into my room and I'm a whole different person. I wonder if thats the case for a lot of people. That they are like two different people mixed in one.
Sometimes I think I'm more than two people. Its complicated.
But, back to the whole innocence thing, I just meant, that when I was ten I was more aware of things I think then the other kids. Its not like I had a terrible tragedy happen to me that scarred me for life. In fact, even at seventeen I haven't faced much adversity. That means hardships, if you didn't know, I'm currently studying for my SATs. Its just I lived a pretty sheltered life. Not overly sheltered but I was lucky. I know that. Its just, I've always noticed things. Its one thing that makes me weird.
You're probably wondering what I cry about. If I'm being honest, I don't really know. It's just I think about thing and then suddenly everything that I've ever been sad about comes into my head and I cry about that. That's another thing, I hold on to everything.
I'm also very self aware, well that's what my therapist says. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. How weird is it that I'm seventeen and have a therapist? Thats an exclusive, just for you to know. No one knows that.
No one knows a lot things. And they won't, but you will.
With love,
S.D
Dear Diary,
I cry a lot.
Its interesting though, if you were to ask my friends they would say that I never cry. I guess that is something about me. I'm good at hiding how I feel. Its an art, if you will, that I have perfected over the years. How many people can say that if someone says something rude to them or mean that they can just turn it off. I like to think of myself as a brick or a wall. If someone says something that hits deep, and I mean really deep like in the pit of my stomach, I just tighten up. But not in that obvious stiffing way that looks like someone is recovering from a slap or shock. More like, well, I don't know really. But I'm good at it.
Sometimes I cry in the shower. Other times I cry right before bed. Or, if its bad, on car rides alone. I like to drive alone. Not all the time, but sometimes. Its a good way to think about things. I have a lot to think about. Which is also interesting because I'm only seventeen. When I was ten, I used to picture what it would be like to be seventeen. I'd picture driving around with your friends, going to the mall with out your mom, going to parties, being in high school. I never thought about how much I'd have to think about.
I don't think you can think about what you're going to have to think about when your ten because you still have that whole innocence thing going on. Except, I'm not sure I ever really had it.
That might of been a bad way to put. I wish I could erase it, but I'm writing in pen and that would look sloppy.
I like things neat.
Except my room. Isn't that funny? If you were to look in my notebooks you'd think I was the most organized person to walk the planet. But, you step into my room and I'm a whole different person. I wonder if thats the case for a lot of people. That they are like two different people mixed in one.
Sometimes I think I'm more than two people. Its complicated.
But, back to the whole innocence thing, I just meant, that when I was ten I was more aware of things I think then the other kids. Its not like I had a terrible tragedy happen to me that scarred me for life. In fact, even at seventeen I haven't faced much adversity. That means hardships, if you didn't know, I'm currently studying for my SATs. Its just I lived a pretty sheltered life. Not overly sheltered but I was lucky. I know that. Its just, I've always noticed things. Its one thing that makes me weird.
You're probably wondering what I cry about. If I'm being honest, I don't really know. It's just I think about thing and then suddenly everything that I've ever been sad about comes into my head and I cry about that. That's another thing, I hold on to everything.
I'm also very self aware, well that's what my therapist says. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. How weird is it that I'm seventeen and have a therapist? Thats an exclusive, just for you to know. No one knows that.
No one knows a lot things. And they won't, but you will.
With love,
S.D