Damaged Hearts

Like any other person, I had a past that I was trying to forget. A past that I wanted more than anything to escape. And it wasn't due to the bastard that left me, either. No, this time it was all my fault. I couldn't blame anyone but my stupid little naive self for the mess I had created.

Back in Dallas, I got so caught up in the depths of my depression, a sickness I assume I lost myself in due to the absence of my parents, that I quickly lost sight of who I was. I became addicted to all kinds of marijuana, real and fake, and when that wouldn't silence my self-hatred, I turned to alcohol. I wasn't stupid enough to try cocaine, but I did turn to pills to numb the pain. It was all very stupid of me to ingest into my body but I did it all the same.

It made me forget that I was alone in the world. Sure I had Lacey as my best friend and even the occasional acquaintance or two, but no matter who I surrounded myself with, I still felt unloved and uncared for. Lacey was busy getting her priorities in check and never seemed to notice my changes in behavior when she was around, and everyone else barely knew me so it wasn't likely that they noticed either. I was alone in that time of my life, both mentally and physically.

It wasn't until Lacey found me on our bathroom floor passed out cold one evening after downing some Oxycontin that she discovered my addiction. I was barely breathing when she found me, my pulse faint and hard to find. I couldn't understand a word she was saying, and it literally scared me nearly to death. I remember her trying her hardest not to freak out, tears pouring down her face as she reached for the phone to call the ambulance. I was rushed to the hospital, where they pumped my stomach and put me on suicide watch for a few days.

Once I was finally checked out of the hospital, I promised Lacey that I'd never pop another pill again unless I was in pain and needed Tylenol but even that was to be monitored by her. I had really scared her, I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me, so I kept my word and didn't even look at a pill again.

Well, I didn't until she left for California. It was hard being on my own again, actually being alone this time instead of just feeling that way. It was exactly the way it was last go-around, only this time I had forced myself to stop, going so far as to find a Rehab for drug addicts all by myself. It was graduation day 6 months later, when I met Vance Youngblood, whose sister had been in the program with me. It was the typical girl meets boy and falls in love situation. We went out on a couple dates before making it official, and once we were, I swore I felt alive again, if I ever really had been alive before.

Unfortunately, that son of a bitch broke my heart right in two as soon as he had the chance. Just when I thought my life was finally getting on track again, he ripped the carpet out from under me, and I was left feeling useless and disgusting. I think that's why I wanted to have my baby so bad; I knew it would love me when no one else would. But like every other time love was within reaching distance, that plan was tossed out of the window, resulting in crushed feelings once more.

I had fought so hard for nearly a year to stay clear of those freaking life-destroying pills that tore my life apart, but I was seriously contemplating breaking that streak after all the shit that that Maurie bitch said to me tonight. I hated not feeling good enough -- though I told myself I wasn't, nearly everyday -- so to hear some bitch that didn't even know me say that I was nothing but a country hick hit home pretty hard. I knew I wasn't fit for the California lifestyle -- I wasn't the product of superficial millionaire parents, after all -- but just because she was the product of a wealthy couple didn't make her any better than me.

Of course, I didn't look like her. I didn't have pin straight blonde hair or tattoos running up and down my body. No, my pants size was not a 0 or 2, and my shirt size was most definitely not a small either. I had hips and boobs and thighs; hell, I was curvy, and I was more than proud of it! Why couldn't she just let me be?

I was anything but impolite to the girl, smiling at her and listening to everything she had to say when in reality I really didn't have two fucks to give. It was the one thing my parents taught me that actually stuck; the golden rule -- treat others the way you would want them to treat you. Too bad that bitch wasn't taught the same thing, or she might have actually found some honest to God friends, if she had been.

After she had been so unnecessarily rude, I found myself snatching Brian's cigarette off the table before I could tell myself to stop. I marched out of that fancy ass restaurant with that cancer stick dangling from my lips and my whole body fuming. It took me a minute or two, due to my fuming temper, to find my lighter, but once I did, I lit that stick in a heartbeat and let the smoke symbolize what I was feeling as I waited for the cab to show up. Lacey had argued with me -- tried to convince me to stay, you could say -- but all it took was one look and she knew instantly to call me a cab or all hell would break loose otherwise.

I wasn't too patient of a person, especially so when I was on the very verge of exploding, so I was more than happy when the cab pulled up just as I was smothering the remnants of my cigarette into the ground.

I didn't need to tell him where to go, only to step on the gas and get me there as soon as possible. I didn't hesitate to toss a 20 and a 10 in his direction before sliding out of that damn yellow vehicle and escaping to my "home," though it wasn't necessarily mine.

I didn't bother taking off my stilettos or even changing out of my dress. I just made my way to my room, turned on my iPod dock, and slid down the wall next to the doorway of my closet, listening to the sounds of "Damages" by Fit For Rivals as it blasted from the speakers of my dock.

That's how one of Zacky's friends found me about an hour later. His name was Matt, and he just so happened to be the vocalist of their band, Avenged Sevenfold. He played the part of a rock star ever so well with arms covered in multiples of tattoos and his bottom lip pierced with a hoop around it. Even his ears were gauged, but it wasn't unattractive on him like it was on other people. Earlier at the dinner, his dark hair had been gelled back with the ends curling slightly at the nape of his neck, but now a black DCMA cap sat on his head instead, with the bill facing backwards instead of forward. He was quite a handsome fellow, but it was his eyes that could hypnotize your soul that drew me in. They were hazel at first glance, but when he kneeled down to face me, I could see that they had a variety of green swimming within, and I swear I forgot how to breath for those few seconds that I looked at them.

"Hey," He mumbled, having turned off my music when he stepped in the room.

I wiped my face, having just noticed that my face was wet from me crying, before replying back to him. "What are you doing here?" I murmured, softly. "You should be at dinner with the others."

A soft chuckle left his mouth as he shrugged his shoulders. "Not much of a dinner anymore,"

"I'm sorry," I blurted out before he could say anything else. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have come here. I don't belong in California."

He moved until he was sitting next to me on the floor, so close to me I could feel our shoulders touching. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?" The look on his face told me everything I needed to know about the bewildered tone I could hear in his voice. "Mauri's a bitch, Tuesdae, and the fact that she aired your dirty laundry in that way really ticks me off."

I quickly shook my head at him. "There's nothing you could have done about it, Matt. I don't blame you or any of the others. Miserable people feed off of others' pain. My parents taught me that years ago."

"She did the same thing to me nearly a year ago." He confessed. "She really has no idea of when to stop."

I nodded my head in agreement. "She knows her facts, though. I'll give her that."

The two of us seemed to lapse into silence after that, neither one of us knowing what to say or do for those few minutes.

"Tuesdae," He mumbled, finally breaking the silence between us. "You wanna go to the beach or something? You know, get out of here for a little while?"

I could feel my eyebrows furrowing together as I stared at him, curiously. "I . . . I don't have any of my things with me."

He smiled at me then, showing off those adorable dimples that I found oh so attractive. "There's a shop down at the boardwalk we could go to, if you think you need new clothes or something."

* * * * * * * * *

I decided that I didn't need any new clothes from that shop down on the boardwalk that Matt spoke of. Instead, I threw on some blue-Jeans and pulled on a cute but plain sleeveless top and cardigan to wear with my only pair of flip-flops. I finished the look by quickly braiding my hair and pulling at sections of it so that it looked somewhat messy but attractive still. I grabbed my phone and wallet before following Matt out to his SUV, where I climbed into the passenger side. It was somewhat chilly outside now that the sky was dark and the stars were out, but Matt assured me that we would have fun anyways.

And we did.

We started out at one of the concession stands on the boardwalk, ordering up a sugary helping of funnel cake and a candy apple for each of us. Matt paid for them, even though I argued that he didn't need to. His response, however, was to flash those killer dimples at me and distract me long enough for him to give the guy the money for our food.

"You barely know me and yet you just paid for my food," I announced as we walked along the boardwalk.

He just shrugged. "Think of it as part of your welcoming gift,"

The two of us found a table not too far away where we sat across from one another and ate our less than healthy food in peace.

"You don't seem like the suicidal type." He murmured when we were nearly finished sharing our funnel cake. "You're sort of quiet, but you don't seem depressed. Maybe a little repressed and out of your comfort zone, but I wouldn't expect any different." He shrugged, stuffing a piece of funnel cake in his mouth. "You said Maurie knew her facts, so I was just curious what you meant by that."

I rubbed my hands together in a nervous way, mentally debating on whether or not I should share my life story with someone I barely knew. Despite our having just met a few hours ago, though, I found myself more comfortable with him than I did Lacey's other friends. There was something different about him -- something almost heart-wrenchingly familiar. I could see it in his eyes. Even when he smiled and pretended to be happy, I could see it. He was a broken man, fighting to keep the pain underway. And I wasn't much different from him.

The look in his eyes told me that I could trust him, that he would understand my pain and not judge me, which is why I made the decision to tell him why I was here and why I was considered to be "suicidal."

"I was twenty five when I overdosed on Oxycontin," I confessed to him, finding a purposeful interest in the design of the tabletop between us just so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye. "Lacey found me and rushed me to the hospital, where they pumped my stomach clean and put me under suicide watch for a few days. When I got out, she made me promise to never touch another pill again. And I didn't, until she left to come here. I just felt so abandoned that I let depression overcome me and take over my life once again." I took a moment to gain my composure after realizing how stupid it all sounded coming from my mouth. "I realized I needed help after a few months, so I put myself in rehab and managed to graduate from the program within six months.

"It was on graduation day that I met Vance Youngblood. He was the older brother of one of the girls that was in the program with me, and he was everything I ever wanted." I happened to look up at that moment, realizing my eyes were wet at the thought of my ex boyfriend and finding the man across the table watching me with knowing eyes. "We got together not too long after, and we were together for a couple years. It was what I found out four months ago that messed it all up. He ran the second he heard I was pregnant, and I never heard from him again." I shook my head at the thought of that moment, wanting to scoff and laugh all at the same time. "I was determined to have my baby, though. It was going to be my miracle from God, as my doctor had told me years before that it was likely I couldn't conceive kids. Everything was going great until I went to the grocery store a few days ago and saw the father of my child. I guess you could say I went into a sort of panic at the sight of him because I ran out of the store and drove home faster than I ever had before, which is when I called Lacey. I figured she could calm me down and tell me everything was okay, but as soon as she answered the phone, my panic consumed my body and prevented me from being able to say anything to her. Apparently, I collapsed and the fall killed the baby. I can't tell you exactly what happened. All I know is I was basically put under suicide watch when I woke up, which is why Lacey forced me to move out here to live with her." I shrugged. "I'm not suicidal, Matt. I wanted that baby more than anything in the world because I knew it would love me unconditionally, even when no one else would. But because of a mistake I made years before, even my best friend believed that it was another failed attempt to end my life."

"But why would she tell Maurie your business like that, when she's supposed to be your best friend?"

I shrugged, looking out at the ocean instead of at him. "She's always been like that," I answered, honestly. "She's never been too great of a friend in that department, but she's all I have."

"Not anymore," He insisted, causing me to look up at him. "You're part of the Avenged Family now, so you're stuck with us. Whenever you need one of us, we're here for you, babe."

"You barely know me," I whispered, bashfully.

"We can fix that," He grinned cheekily, causing me to roll my eyes.

"So, how do you like it here so far?" He asked curiously in an attempt to change the subject.

"It's alright."

"Just alright?"

"I've mainly seen the inside of the pool house. I did see the mall earlier today, but it's not much different from the one back home, and I saw the airport, but I'm not a big fan of crowds, so . . . "

"Well, now you've seen the boardwalk, too. Were you impressed?"

"Of course," I giggled, sarcastically. "It's not everyday you see a crowd of people at the beach."

"Oh, a smart ass, are you?"

We decided that we had enough of the boardwalk for the night, so we decided to hit the beach for a peaceful walk so we could talk some more. It went that way for about thirty minutes, until I got bored of just watching the waves and decided to take a swim. It might have made for a bad first impression, but I quickly discarded my top layer of clothing and my flip-flops and took off for the water. It was cold at first, but a quick underwater dive solved that issue immediately, leaving me soaked from head to toe in only my bra and panties, which were thankfully a matching set.

Matt was back on the beach still, fully-clothed and all and staring at my place in the water with a shit-eating grin on his face. It took him a minute to compose himself but once he did, he was pulling his clothes and shoes off with fast precision and following my lead. When he got to my spot in the water, that same shit-eating grin took over his features as he stared down at me.

I matched his grin with my own, staring up at him with mischievous eyes.

"What took you so long?"