Beside You

Landing in the O’Hare airport, I couldn’t help but think of all the memories I shared with Dan. I was wondering what it would be like after seeing him for the first time in 5 years. A lot has happened. There were many moments where I wanted to call Dan, especially after my last break up. He was always the one to calm me down or get my mind off of the break up. I was walking to get my luggage when I heard someone call my name.
“Gretchen!!!”
I turned around. I would notice that toothless grin anywhere. I swiftly walked up to him, and wrapped him in a huge hug.
“Danny boy!! You didn’t have to do this, you know.”
Dan raised his eyebrow at me.
“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t?”
I smiled at him.
“Well, let me just grab my luggage and then you can take me to yo—I mean, our humble abode.”
He chuckled.
“I’ve already got your luggage. Good thing you didn’t change your name since I last saw you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“You would’ve been told I was getting married, believe me.”
“Oh really? It took me to make a surprise trip back home to find out you were already engaged for 5 months.”
My eyes widened then I looked down to my feet as we walked out of the airport.
“I’m sorry, Dan. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you. I just had some….issues to deal with.”
“Issues you couldn’t call me about, apparently.”
I sighed.
“Dan, do we have to argue already? I just got here. I know we have to talk, but tonight I just want to relax.”
Dan sighed then nodded.
Dan and I got to his car and my mind wandered. I didn’t know what was holding me back from opening up to Dan. He was my best friend. I knew that we haven’t talked in a while, and some of that connection felt lost, but he was still my best friend. Through everything, he was always there. I didn’t have to worry about him not having time for me. He made time for me. It was one of the things I loved about our relationship. We could talk about anything. Well, at least, we used to talk about everything.
Since he got drafted, Dan and I started talking less and less. The phone calls went from every day, 3 times a day to once a month quite quickly. From there, it went to, if we were lucky, once every 6 months.
I didn’t realize that Dan found out about my engagement to Todd. It wasn’t the prettiest of relationships. There was a lot of abuse. I realized then, while looking back on my relationship with Todd, that’s what caused me to stop contact with Dan. I didn’t want him to stop everything and come save me, like I knew he would. That, or he would make me move to wherever he was. I felt trapped and was thankful when he cheated on me. I finally had a reason to let him go. I begged my mom to not tell Dan’s mom, so word wouldn’t get to him. She agreed, so I wasn’t sure if Dan knew what really went down between me and Todd or not.
We arrived at some building, which I could only assume it being where Dan lived. Dan got out and grabbed my luggage. I let myself out of the car and followed him in silence. We didn’t speak at all in the car from the airport, so I was sure Dan could sense I was thinking about something. He didn’t push it, though, but I couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“Dan…”
We reached the door of his apartment and he let me in first.
“Yes, Gretch?”
I looked at the floor.
“Uhh.. can I have my bag?”
Dan raised his eyebrow at me, but handed me my luggage nonetheless.
“It’s down that hall and the second door on the left.”
I nodded and walked into what was going to be “my room.” I looked around and smirked slightly to myself. I could tell that Dan decorated this place. The walls were a light shade of grey, and had a white trim. The bed had a tri-colour spread on it. Black, Red and Grey, three of Dan’s favourite colours.
I plopped my bag of clothes on my bed. A lot of my stuff was shipped earlier in the week and some had yet to come. I decided to look through the boxes that were shipped earlier before going through my clothes.
One box in particular caught my eye. I opened it and began to go through what was inside. Picking up a picture, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.
“You okay, Gretch?”
I jumped at his voice and dropped the picture, smashing the glass in the frame. I frantically bent down to pick up the pieces of glass. Dan walked in and tried to help me. I pushed him away.
“Dan, I can clean this up.”
I looked at Dan and I could tell that he was taken aback by my outburst.
“Oh…okay. I just wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine, Dan.”
I didn’t mean to sound so bitchy, but I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to be around anyone right now. I watched Dan leave my room with his head hung low. I wanted to say something to him, apologize, but before I could get the words to leave my mouth, he had left my room. I picked up the picture. I let the tears flow freely now. I couldn’t believe I had let my life get to that point. I wasn’t always that weak. I saw the fake smile on my face. Todd’s smile was genuine, but I knew the story behind that smile. He knew in that picture he had me trapped and there wasn’t much I could do about it.
I knew one day I would tell Dan the story of me and Todd, but I wasn’t quite ready. I didn’t know how he’d react or what he’d think of me for not telling him. I thought very highly of Dan’s opinion.
I put the picture away and sat on my bed for a few minutes in silence. I had lost all energy in going through any more of my stuff right now. I decided it would be a good time to go apologize to Dan. As much as I feel a little bit uncomfortable being here, he did take me in rent-free. I owed him an apology for how I’ve treated him, at the very least.
Walking out of my room, I could hear Dan talking to someone. I thought that someone was in the apartment, so I slowly creeped down the hallway. I wasn’t quite ready to meet anyone new at this moment. I saw that he was on the phone.
“Yea mom, she’s here. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, she’s really distant.”
I felt guilty. Dan hadn’t done anything to me, and yet here I was treating him almost as if he was a stranger. Then I heard him speak again.
“I have a feeling she’s hiding something. She’s not my Gretch anymore. I’m worried, Mom.”
I felt tears well up in my eyes again. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t find it in me to say the words.
“Okay. Yeah, I’ll talk to you later, Mom. …. Love you too.”
I took that as my cue to walk into the living room. Dan heard my foot steps and turned his head and looked at me. He gave me a half-smile. I gave him a sympathetic look.
“I’m sorry, Danny. I just need time.”
He sighed.
“Take all the time you need, Gretch. I know that there is something you’re not telling me, but I’m not going to push it.”
I nodded.
“Well, that’s all I wanted to say, so good night Dan.”
I turned on my heel and walked back into my room. I let the tears flow freely now that I was alone.
….this might have been a bad idea…