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Surrender The Night
Surrender The Night
I remember when I was a kid I hated swimming. The lake near my house had a strong current that pulled you under at any chance. It always felt like strong hands were pulling me down into the darkness of the water.
That's how I felt now.
Gerard looked at me with damp eyes, gripping my hands tightly.
Right then I didn't know what to say.
What grew to be my everything was now being forcefully ripped away from my grip. As I looked at Gerard, I saw him getting further from me. Voices swarmed in my head and my breathing became shallow.
Everything in that moment was a pressure on my chest that I could not subside. My body was replaced with rusty cogs and wheels. The former bones of my body were dust and I looked up at Gerard from the floor as a pile of pain.
I hadn't spoken yet, my lungs were on fire and my throat contacted sickeningly. Gerard squeezed my hands again and I barely felt it.
Frank the soul was somewhere else. Drowning in the truth of what was happening. Frank the body was standing in front of Gerard with a glazed look in his eyes.
I'm not sure which one I was at the moment.
My soul and body crashed violently into one another and I let out an audible choked sob.
Gerard's arms encircled me at once, pulling me close as I felt a pair of lips on my frail skin.
My body wretched as I let out more feral sobs, they sounded so inhuman coming out of my throat.
Gerard picked me up and set me on his bed, which he also climbed into.
I heard no noise but the sobs of my own, Gerard's body shook next to mine and I knew he was crying too.
His grip was firm and almost suffocating, I clung tighter and the tears stopped.
Have you ever loved someone so much you wanted to rip open their chest and climb inside it. They saved you to the point where you no longer know how to show them the affection they deserve. Right then I wanted to surround myself with Gerard's whole being. Clinging to him so close wasn't good enough just then. What I really wanted was to be apart of him. I wanted the cancer to eat me instead, Gerard would stay safe and untouched by the black demon surrounding his life. He'd said he didn't want to die once and now I understood that neither did I. For once in my life, I had something to live for; and that something was dying of an evil force.
I lay there numb. No tears streamed from my face and nothing escaped my throat. Gerard still shook against me; hot tears fell onto my neck as he whispered my name over and over again. I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell him it would be okay, that I loved him. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to lie to the man who had never lied to me. Saying I love you, I felt, would make things worse.
Gerard's breathing evened a little and his hands gripped my face which he brought toward his own.
"Frankie," This was the first time I'd heard his voice so broken and weak. Gerard was always so strong, he was strong for the two of us; but now, he was broken. Maybe even more fucked up than I. His uttering of my name cracked something inside me and I was silent still. "Frankie I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I shook my head and traced my fingers over his mouth.
I wasn't sure whether I would've wanted to know before or later about Gerard. Maybe if I would've known before, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. But even now I knew that was a lie, because I always loved him deep down. And I always would.
Now knowing the truth of Gerard's hospitalization, I studied him. His skin seemed paler to me now, his eyes were sunken in a little and his eyes didn't have the initial spark. I noticed how fragile he really was and I no longer saw the strong untouchable man I saw before. Suddenly, I could see the cancer all over him. Everything clicked into place as I remembered every occurrence since he got here.
I shook my head again. No, how could he have cancer? He looked so healthy when he first arrived and I was too blind to see the decomposition of his heart.
Then, I was angry with myself. I was angry with Gerard and every one who knew, too. I wanted to kick and scream and fight for him but all I could do was stare into his endless irises.
Gerard's cheeks were stained with tears he fought to keep in. His eyes burned bright and blazed with compassion.
The first time I spoke during this time was the first thing that came to mind.
"I'll remember your eyes when you're gone." The few words I uttered were so unmistakeably true it made me want to cry once more.
The first time I had met Gerard, his eyes were the first thing I noticed. Honey crisp leaves with peek-a-boos of holly changed at every angle. They were honey and chamomile, I swam in them for lifetimes. These eyes framed with thick black lashes haunted my every dream; the best part was that every day I woke up they would be staring back at me.
I would have to get used to that ending.
Gerard didn't speak, he only leaned down to brush my lips with his own. I pushed closer again and curled my fingers into his hair at the base of his neck.
"I love you so much." His voice was quiet but strong this time.
I couldn't bring myself to answer.
We lay there for hours, our tears had dried up long ago and we wallowed in the aftermath of our pity.
Our skin touched and stuck together; it felt like we were melting together. Hands were clasped tightly together just like our hearts.
Neither of us were asleep and neither of us talked. The silence surrounded us and wrapped us in a cocoon of understanding.
Gerard was dying every second of every day and so was I.
I was not getting better, nor was he.
Life was draining out of us ounce by ounce, I could almost feel it being pulled out of me.
Together we understood that we could not escape the inevitable.
Our previous dreams were coming true and we suddenly didn't want that to happen.
A dull pain in my heart thudded away quietly, when in my ears it sounded like waves crashing on rocks.
Gerard and I fell asleep with death on our mind, and each other in our hearts.
That's how I felt now.
Gerard looked at me with damp eyes, gripping my hands tightly.
Right then I didn't know what to say.
What grew to be my everything was now being forcefully ripped away from my grip. As I looked at Gerard, I saw him getting further from me. Voices swarmed in my head and my breathing became shallow.
Everything in that moment was a pressure on my chest that I could not subside. My body was replaced with rusty cogs and wheels. The former bones of my body were dust and I looked up at Gerard from the floor as a pile of pain.
I hadn't spoken yet, my lungs were on fire and my throat contacted sickeningly. Gerard squeezed my hands again and I barely felt it.
Frank the soul was somewhere else. Drowning in the truth of what was happening. Frank the body was standing in front of Gerard with a glazed look in his eyes.
I'm not sure which one I was at the moment.
My soul and body crashed violently into one another and I let out an audible choked sob.
Gerard's arms encircled me at once, pulling me close as I felt a pair of lips on my frail skin.
My body wretched as I let out more feral sobs, they sounded so inhuman coming out of my throat.
Gerard picked me up and set me on his bed, which he also climbed into.
I heard no noise but the sobs of my own, Gerard's body shook next to mine and I knew he was crying too.
His grip was firm and almost suffocating, I clung tighter and the tears stopped.
Have you ever loved someone so much you wanted to rip open their chest and climb inside it. They saved you to the point where you no longer know how to show them the affection they deserve. Right then I wanted to surround myself with Gerard's whole being. Clinging to him so close wasn't good enough just then. What I really wanted was to be apart of him. I wanted the cancer to eat me instead, Gerard would stay safe and untouched by the black demon surrounding his life. He'd said he didn't want to die once and now I understood that neither did I. For once in my life, I had something to live for; and that something was dying of an evil force.
I lay there numb. No tears streamed from my face and nothing escaped my throat. Gerard still shook against me; hot tears fell onto my neck as he whispered my name over and over again. I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell him it would be okay, that I loved him. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to lie to the man who had never lied to me. Saying I love you, I felt, would make things worse.
Gerard's breathing evened a little and his hands gripped my face which he brought toward his own.
"Frankie," This was the first time I'd heard his voice so broken and weak. Gerard was always so strong, he was strong for the two of us; but now, he was broken. Maybe even more fucked up than I. His uttering of my name cracked something inside me and I was silent still. "Frankie I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I shook my head and traced my fingers over his mouth.
I wasn't sure whether I would've wanted to know before or later about Gerard. Maybe if I would've known before, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. But even now I knew that was a lie, because I always loved him deep down. And I always would.
Now knowing the truth of Gerard's hospitalization, I studied him. His skin seemed paler to me now, his eyes were sunken in a little and his eyes didn't have the initial spark. I noticed how fragile he really was and I no longer saw the strong untouchable man I saw before. Suddenly, I could see the cancer all over him. Everything clicked into place as I remembered every occurrence since he got here.
I shook my head again. No, how could he have cancer? He looked so healthy when he first arrived and I was too blind to see the decomposition of his heart.
Then, I was angry with myself. I was angry with Gerard and every one who knew, too. I wanted to kick and scream and fight for him but all I could do was stare into his endless irises.
Gerard's cheeks were stained with tears he fought to keep in. His eyes burned bright and blazed with compassion.
The first time I spoke during this time was the first thing that came to mind.
"I'll remember your eyes when you're gone." The few words I uttered were so unmistakeably true it made me want to cry once more.
The first time I had met Gerard, his eyes were the first thing I noticed. Honey crisp leaves with peek-a-boos of holly changed at every angle. They were honey and chamomile, I swam in them for lifetimes. These eyes framed with thick black lashes haunted my every dream; the best part was that every day I woke up they would be staring back at me.
I would have to get used to that ending.
Gerard didn't speak, he only leaned down to brush my lips with his own. I pushed closer again and curled my fingers into his hair at the base of his neck.
"I love you so much." His voice was quiet but strong this time.
I couldn't bring myself to answer.
We lay there for hours, our tears had dried up long ago and we wallowed in the aftermath of our pity.
Our skin touched and stuck together; it felt like we were melting together. Hands were clasped tightly together just like our hearts.
Neither of us were asleep and neither of us talked. The silence surrounded us and wrapped us in a cocoon of understanding.
Gerard was dying every second of every day and so was I.
I was not getting better, nor was he.
Life was draining out of us ounce by ounce, I could almost feel it being pulled out of me.
Together we understood that we could not escape the inevitable.
Our previous dreams were coming true and we suddenly didn't want that to happen.
A dull pain in my heart thudded away quietly, when in my ears it sounded like waves crashing on rocks.
Gerard and I fell asleep with death on our mind, and each other in our hearts.