Surrender The Night

Gerard's nimble fingers shook me awake and my eyes met his once more. The night prior had tossed all of my insides around like a broken drying machine. What was left of my energy was seeping through the open pores of my body. Gerard's gaze was gentle and melancholy. His eyes searched mine and we both remained mute.

The realization of what was in fact happening hit me once more and my arms curled in on themselves, I hugged myself farther from Gerard and squeezed my eyes shut.

I couldn't look at his face now without seeing the dark poisonous marks of cancer riddled all over his body. To another, he looked healthy, maybe a little gaunt, sure, but healthy. To me I could see the hurt etched across his face and fragile bones. His eyes sunk in, though usually bright and crystal clear. I uncurled myself and tentatively reached out to touch his jaw bone. His skin seemed translucent, paper thin. Gerard smiled then, he reached up and covered my hand with his own; keeping me there. I closed my eyes and let my skin melt with his own, warmth passed between our bodies and I moved closer to him.

Finally, we were pressed against one another. Joan didn't come and disturb us, the machines were a dull noise in the back ground. In this moment all that was important was the slow steady sound of our breath colliding with one another quietly. Gerard breathed out slowly and curled his fingers around the base of my neck.

"We're going to be okay." He said.

And I believed him.

Right now it was so important to not think of the cancer, or the dying soul within me.

Right now it was so important to just live, because we didn't know how long of a time span we had. Who knew if it would be tomorrow, or next week. A few hours from now or even a year. Nobody knew, and that made me smile.

Gerard smiled too, because he knew what I was thinking; he always had.

"Can we go to the river?" He laughed because it was so like me to ask something like this, and then he agreed because he loved every ounce of what I am.

~

The engine hummed beneath us in the otherwise silent car. We didn't bother to put on music this time, because it was a fairly short drive and an even more special one. Gerard's hand rested in mine, the other placed on the steering wheel quite nonchalantly.

I watched him as he drove. I wanted to remember what he looked like now, strong and happy. The setting sun blazed across his prominent cheek bones and his eyes sparkled like fire. His smouldering gaze caught my own as he glanced over and squeezed my hand.

Gerard pulled the car over to the side, the sparkling river shone bright in the dull light and the sound rushed over my ears. I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled; it was a small smile, but it was so pure, so true, that I was surprised it hadn't been the product of something Gerard caused. He tugged on my hand and I was brought back to reality.

"C'mon Frankie," Gerard smiled and looked at me through half-lidded eyes thick with lashes. "The sun is going down.." I still hadn't spoken since I asked him to take me to the river, I couldn't quite find my voice yet.

Our feet crunched across the dead crass and broken twigs that littered the hill leading down to the bank. The river was in clear view now; it wasn't a river you would want your kids to swim in or necessarily one you would drink out of but it was beautiful nonetheless.

We found our place among the boulders that lined the icy water, our feet dangled dangerously close to the tide as we swung them back and forth.

Not once did we speak of what was to come, we did not talk about the cancer, the disorders, the self harm, or the suicide. We locked our fingers together and said more with out eyes than we could ever say with out mouths.

"You're my world, you know that?" I looked at Gerard as he said it, and flinched. The thought of being someone's world right then was so frightening. I didn't know if I was up for that, I mean, if I were to suddenly disappear, then so would their world, right? I didn't know, I didn't want to know.

So I shook my head.

He nodded and turned toward me.

"Yes, Frank, you are my everything, I love you so much." His eyes pleaded with my own and I cast my gaze to across the river.

"You're not supposed to leave the things you love, Gerard." I hadn't even known that I said it aloud. Gerard inhaled audibly, shifting forward then back, unsure whether he wanted to touch me or hide.

"It's not my choice," his voice cracked but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "Frankie if I could stay you know I would, forever."

"Okay." I said, and that was it.

~

When we got back to the hospital neither of us made the move to get out of the car. So we sat, in silence so thick you could cut it with a knife. I comically made the motion of cutting a circle of fog with a knife, just like in the cartoons. Gerard giggled his high pitched chuckle and leaned over to kiss me.

An electric shock went through my lips down to my toes, traveling throughout all parts of my body. Gerard's hand found my face and his lips ghosted over mine while I fought the urge to wrap him up within myself and leave this god damned earth.

That son of a bitch that people praise was taking away my destiny. The most important thing in my life was slipping out of my grasp as The Almighty took him for his selfish purposes. I cursed in my head but held onto Gerard tighter. Every ounce of my hurt was bursting through the pores of my body, like water that couldn't be contained in a jar anylonger. Tears passed my eyelids and sobs escaped my mouth into his as I clung to him with everything I had.

Eventually, I grew quiet. Our lips remained locked along with our hearts. Gerard picked me up effortlessly out of the car and carried me into the bright hospital where I knew we would burn out.

He set me down on his bed, or maybe it was my bed, we shared beds so often I did not know.

Our bed.

But not for long.

So I lay, and he crawled up beside me where he placed his hand over my heart and continued to kiss my temple soothingly.

He told me to close my eyes and I did, because I knew he'd keep me safe from what I should be protecting him from.

I dreamed of lilac flowers and honey. Holly leaves and blue rivers that stretched as far as the eye could see. I dreamed of Gerard there with me, holding my hand firmly and as soft as ever before. But the sky became clouded. The lilacs began to wilt and the river rushed faster and grew gray. Honey no longer existed, as well as they holly leaves; they were replaced with dark burnt up flames, slowly dying out. Gerard no longer held my hand, but started to dematerialize. I did not weep or cry out, because I knew that this would happen outside of my dreams.

I did, however, wake up alone.

A note was placed by my head on the pillow addressed to myself, and signed off with a messy scribble of someone's signature.

Love always, Gerard.