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Surrender The Night
Surrender The Night
The next day was more or less uneventful. The nurses came into my room around 7:15am, or so I guessed by the amount of light filtering through the thin cotton curtains. Nurse Joan, or as I liked to call her; satan, was propping me up giving me my daily vitamins once more. She didn't smile at me anymore, she knew I wouldn't return it or that I had no joy in seeing her be friendly to my poor soul. She merely did her job and left, the soft clicking of her one inch heels growing faint. I hated taking vitamins, not because I was stubborn, which I was, but because they didn't do anything. Three months here and I still look like I did when they first wheeled me in. Honestly, I don't think there's anything they can do, but they won't listen. So I sit there, day after day, feeling my skin grow thinner. Letting my eyes droop, staring blankly ahead with my mouth agape. There's not much you can do when you're confined to your room. After being too aggressive to one of the younger patients, I've been banned from the cafeteria. At least I can eat my food in peace.
I almost went back to sleep, for the sake of pure boredom, but then I remembered what happened last night.
The honey irises, thick black hair, the warm rough touch of his finger pads.
Gerard.
Gerard was there sitting beyond the curtain to my right. I didn't hear him but he had to be awake by now, hospital lights will do that to a person. Thinking a moment, I decided why the hell not? I talked to him once, I could do it again.
I tried, I really did. To move. But, every inch my body was taken, felt like clogs working together that aren't quite slicked up. The dry cracking of my skin felt reptile, as I moved my arm to grasp the table. Moving wouldn't happen today. I sank back into to my pillows, defeated. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breathe, I spoke.
"Gerard?" There was no answer at first, only the small scuffles of sheets and maybe the thud of two feet hitting the floor. Still no answer, and I was about to call out again, that is until the curtain moved back and I saw him.
He was still as fragile and beautiful as he was the night prior, his hair a little more fussed up from sleeping. I grinned as best I could without drawing blood from my dry lips. Gerard tipped his head to the side and stepped closer. I needed him to speak, craved it. I looked at him and blushed a little, realizing that he was probably wondering why a man he only met last night was calling him to his quarters.
"Hello Frank." his smooth voice rang in my ears once more and I had to refrain from asking him to speak again. Waves of just that sound could cure me alone. I opened my mouth to say something, maybe something that would keep him here, but just then Nurse Joan came in, looking at me sternly and turning her soft gaze to Gerard.
"Gerard what are you doing out of bed?" I scowled at her and turned my focus to Gerard.
"I'm sorry m'am, I wanted to talk to Frank" He motioned towards me and smiled. "I'm sorry to cause trouble." He was so polite, unlike me. I had never said 'm'am' or 'sorry' in my life here at Mount Rose's. Nurse Joan seemed delighted as to see that someone here could be polite and sweet to her. She smiled at Gerard sweetly and pulled out a chair from behind the curtain to my left.
"You can sit here, sweety. You shouldn't be standing much right now. Very interesting that Frank here would talk to you." she chuckled under her breath and Gerard raised an eyebrow toward me. Satan, I thought. Of course she would make me out to be a crabby loser who had no friends. Bitch, I thought. Even if she was right.
She glanced at me again which I pointedly ignored, and left the room. Gerard walked swiftly over to the chair, pulling it closer to my bed and looked at me. There it was again, the gentle blush rose over my cheeks and he giggled.
If I had thought that him speaking was magical, his laugh was more than indescribable. I stared at him in awe. I wanted to say something to him, maybe about how beautiful he was or that his voice could cure cancer, but of course I didn't.
"Why aren't you allowed to stand?" I said instead. He flapped his hand around nervously as if it were the answer.
"I'm just not.. steady right now. I might fall over easily." His voice was still quiet but it was barely weak. I nodded, my lungs felt on fire, I wasn't sure I could answer. Gerard seemed to sense my distress and handed me my water bottle. "Are you alright?" I took a drink of water and nodded. Gerard gave me a week smile and studied my face.
"So. Why are you in here?" I decided I would just come out with it, no need to play games. Gerard seemed shocked at my question, but set his mouth in a thin line.
"Why are you in here?" he countered.
"I asked you first." My lungs screamed with pain, all of this talking was taking my chest and hammering it to the floor. He shook his head and chuckled.
"I asked you second, Frank." I wanted to laugh, scream, and cry all at once.
"Fine, we both won't know for now." I rasped out, which turned into a coughing fit. Gerard made a small noise and placed his hand on my back. I relaxed into his touch and came down from my fit.
"Don't talk.. it hurts you. I can talk," he grins. "I like the sound of my voice." Me too, I thought. I didn't say it, though.
Gerard did talk. He talked for hours. About everything. A few times I caught myself dozing from the medication and I wanted to rip the IV out of my arm. I couldn't fall asleep during this, I just couldn't. Gerard liked comic books, so I could tell he was young, maybe a little older than me. He also liked music, bands that I was into before everything collapsed. Gerard used hand gestures, too. For anything he talked about, his arms would move wildly along with the sentence. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face, even though it was painful.
I thought he would never run out of things to say, and I didn't notice when he stopped. It was quiet, though, so I opened my eyes. I also didn't notice that he was gripping my wrist softly. Weakly, I tried pulling it away, but his grip was strong. I crushed my eyes closed once more and whined a little. Peeking, I saw that Gerard was staring at me. Everywhere on me, my face, legs, arms, everything. He was trying to guess what the fuck was wrong with me, probably. Gerard rubbed a thumb softly over a scar on my left wrist, and for a second I thought he would say something. Instead he stood up and released the grip of my wrist, he then walked to his side of the curtain, and pulled it securely shut.
I didn't want to let the tears fall, not for something so stupid, but I couldn't help think that this is what happened every time. Once someone sees your scars, it's over. You're ugly. They don't want to see you, touch you, or even be near you. I could understand though, I didn't want to be near myself either.
The tears fell softly and quietly as I wondered what Gerard was thinking of me. Freak, obviously. I cradled my left arm to my chest, letting my eyes close and sleep welcome me home. This time I didn't dream of holly leaves or honey drizzle, I didn't feel the warm pads of his fingers against my arm. No, I dreamed of why I was here. I dreamed of my self destruction.
-five months prior-
/The blade I brought against my skin sent warm tingles up my spine. The blood pooling out of my freshly tainted flesh was thick, poisoned. I grinned a little and pushed the blade deeper, setting into the state of euphoria. Satisfied with my work, I dropped the razor back into my box, and pushed it under the bed. My mom called from downstairs and I ignored her. She would have to get used to me not being here. Never answering. Next was my favorite, I unrolled my kit, the needles glistening as I did so. I always kept my babies so clean, so perfect. The lighter, the spoon, the packet, the needle. That's all I needed, I wasn't too picky. I filled the syringe and wrapped the top half of my arm, getting in position with my favorite vein. This is the last night, I promised myself for the thousandth time./
I almost went back to sleep, for the sake of pure boredom, but then I remembered what happened last night.
The honey irises, thick black hair, the warm rough touch of his finger pads.
Gerard.
Gerard was there sitting beyond the curtain to my right. I didn't hear him but he had to be awake by now, hospital lights will do that to a person. Thinking a moment, I decided why the hell not? I talked to him once, I could do it again.
I tried, I really did. To move. But, every inch my body was taken, felt like clogs working together that aren't quite slicked up. The dry cracking of my skin felt reptile, as I moved my arm to grasp the table. Moving wouldn't happen today. I sank back into to my pillows, defeated. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breathe, I spoke.
"Gerard?" There was no answer at first, only the small scuffles of sheets and maybe the thud of two feet hitting the floor. Still no answer, and I was about to call out again, that is until the curtain moved back and I saw him.
He was still as fragile and beautiful as he was the night prior, his hair a little more fussed up from sleeping. I grinned as best I could without drawing blood from my dry lips. Gerard tipped his head to the side and stepped closer. I needed him to speak, craved it. I looked at him and blushed a little, realizing that he was probably wondering why a man he only met last night was calling him to his quarters.
"Hello Frank." his smooth voice rang in my ears once more and I had to refrain from asking him to speak again. Waves of just that sound could cure me alone. I opened my mouth to say something, maybe something that would keep him here, but just then Nurse Joan came in, looking at me sternly and turning her soft gaze to Gerard.
"Gerard what are you doing out of bed?" I scowled at her and turned my focus to Gerard.
"I'm sorry m'am, I wanted to talk to Frank" He motioned towards me and smiled. "I'm sorry to cause trouble." He was so polite, unlike me. I had never said 'm'am' or 'sorry' in my life here at Mount Rose's. Nurse Joan seemed delighted as to see that someone here could be polite and sweet to her. She smiled at Gerard sweetly and pulled out a chair from behind the curtain to my left.
"You can sit here, sweety. You shouldn't be standing much right now. Very interesting that Frank here would talk to you." she chuckled under her breath and Gerard raised an eyebrow toward me. Satan, I thought. Of course she would make me out to be a crabby loser who had no friends. Bitch, I thought. Even if she was right.
She glanced at me again which I pointedly ignored, and left the room. Gerard walked swiftly over to the chair, pulling it closer to my bed and looked at me. There it was again, the gentle blush rose over my cheeks and he giggled.
If I had thought that him speaking was magical, his laugh was more than indescribable. I stared at him in awe. I wanted to say something to him, maybe about how beautiful he was or that his voice could cure cancer, but of course I didn't.
"Why aren't you allowed to stand?" I said instead. He flapped his hand around nervously as if it were the answer.
"I'm just not.. steady right now. I might fall over easily." His voice was still quiet but it was barely weak. I nodded, my lungs felt on fire, I wasn't sure I could answer. Gerard seemed to sense my distress and handed me my water bottle. "Are you alright?" I took a drink of water and nodded. Gerard gave me a week smile and studied my face.
"So. Why are you in here?" I decided I would just come out with it, no need to play games. Gerard seemed shocked at my question, but set his mouth in a thin line.
"Why are you in here?" he countered.
"I asked you first." My lungs screamed with pain, all of this talking was taking my chest and hammering it to the floor. He shook his head and chuckled.
"I asked you second, Frank." I wanted to laugh, scream, and cry all at once.
"Fine, we both won't know for now." I rasped out, which turned into a coughing fit. Gerard made a small noise and placed his hand on my back. I relaxed into his touch and came down from my fit.
"Don't talk.. it hurts you. I can talk," he grins. "I like the sound of my voice." Me too, I thought. I didn't say it, though.
Gerard did talk. He talked for hours. About everything. A few times I caught myself dozing from the medication and I wanted to rip the IV out of my arm. I couldn't fall asleep during this, I just couldn't. Gerard liked comic books, so I could tell he was young, maybe a little older than me. He also liked music, bands that I was into before everything collapsed. Gerard used hand gestures, too. For anything he talked about, his arms would move wildly along with the sentence. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face, even though it was painful.
I thought he would never run out of things to say, and I didn't notice when he stopped. It was quiet, though, so I opened my eyes. I also didn't notice that he was gripping my wrist softly. Weakly, I tried pulling it away, but his grip was strong. I crushed my eyes closed once more and whined a little. Peeking, I saw that Gerard was staring at me. Everywhere on me, my face, legs, arms, everything. He was trying to guess what the fuck was wrong with me, probably. Gerard rubbed a thumb softly over a scar on my left wrist, and for a second I thought he would say something. Instead he stood up and released the grip of my wrist, he then walked to his side of the curtain, and pulled it securely shut.
I didn't want to let the tears fall, not for something so stupid, but I couldn't help think that this is what happened every time. Once someone sees your scars, it's over. You're ugly. They don't want to see you, touch you, or even be near you. I could understand though, I didn't want to be near myself either.
The tears fell softly and quietly as I wondered what Gerard was thinking of me. Freak, obviously. I cradled my left arm to my chest, letting my eyes close and sleep welcome me home. This time I didn't dream of holly leaves or honey drizzle, I didn't feel the warm pads of his fingers against my arm. No, I dreamed of why I was here. I dreamed of my self destruction.
-five months prior-
/The blade I brought against my skin sent warm tingles up my spine. The blood pooling out of my freshly tainted flesh was thick, poisoned. I grinned a little and pushed the blade deeper, setting into the state of euphoria. Satisfied with my work, I dropped the razor back into my box, and pushed it under the bed. My mom called from downstairs and I ignored her. She would have to get used to me not being here. Never answering. Next was my favorite, I unrolled my kit, the needles glistening as I did so. I always kept my babies so clean, so perfect. The lighter, the spoon, the packet, the needle. That's all I needed, I wasn't too picky. I filled the syringe and wrapped the top half of my arm, getting in position with my favorite vein. This is the last night, I promised myself for the thousandth time./