Thief of Kisses

Being bored every day and enjoying walks by myself wasn’t how I thought Autumn would start for me. Thanks to my mother’s job -which was being a therapist- we moved from Athens to Kalamos and honestly I missed living in the city and going out to the clubs with my boyfriend. Well, my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend was a kind guy or so I thought till we broke up. I didn’t like the way our relationship ended but at least I wasn’t in love with him. I thought I was incapable of loving someone or something and caring for them to the extent to call it honest love. Even my parents were incapable of loving…and maybe, just maybe, I got that from them.

Nothing seemed to excite me anymore and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Was it my cold personality? Was it because I wasn’t opening up? No one seemed to care though, not even the guys I called ‘’friends’’. They just liked my company because I was attracting guys and then my friends could go to a couple of dates. If they cared just one bit about me, then they would come down from the stars and take a look at their friend’s sadness behind that fake smile I was so used wearing on my face. No one cared though, no one. Not even the guy who was supposed to be my boyfriend. Not even my mother or father as well as my sister living abroad in Russia.

My parents got divorced when I was twelve years old and my older and only sister moved to Russia with her fiancé. I didn’t blame her, I would have done the same if I was older and had a man like Alexandrei. My sister avoided the fights and arguments between our parents by leaving but she left me behind going through it all alone. She had her life to look at and I was too young to go with her even if I wanted to. So, I just stayed behind with Layla, my mother.

My mother never really paid attention to me because all the time she was working. I knew she did it so we could have what we needed as well as paying the bills of our house and living our lives without depending on my father. My father cheated on her, on their anniversary and my mother caught him on the act. On top of it all, it was on the bed my mother and father slept. It happened inside our house and my mother wasn’t able to forgive him. I got that from her I guess because when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me I wasn’t able to forgive him either even though I didn’t love him.

At that time I didn’t understand what it was that bound two people together. Was it love? Was it trust…or maybe family? Was it the loneliness that brought two people together? Was it the sexual need and relief of one’s body needs? The point was I didn’t believe in love. I believed in the passion that made people seek one another and the loneliness they felt behind their fake smiles. That was all there was to love, otherwise my parents would stille be together and my heart would have broken when my relationship with my ex ended. If what my parents had or what my boyfriend felt was love then the only thing I had to say was that love didn’t stop people from betraying each other, so why love another rperson in the first place?

Still I missed being with him and I missed being with our friends. I didn’t know what it was that made me miss going out at the clubs with my so-called ‘’friends’’ and ex-boyfriend. Was it because I was alone at home? Was it because I didn’t care what their feelings were for me as long as I had company? I didn’t know. What I knew was that the loneliness surrounding me made me feel like I was drowning and I had to find a way so I could breathe again...so I could feel alive.