Bring Her Back or Take Me With Her!

Mike

I looked over at Vic and watched him pace up and down the hall, while rubbing his face with his shaky hands. He was clearly worried, but so were we. Everyone once in a while one of us, apart from Vic, would pull out our phone and check twitter or reply to a text or play a game, anything to keep us busy and not think about our friend who was currently in surgery. My brother on the other hand would not stop pacing; he would not sit down, he would not reply to any message, he would not go to the cafeteria to get something to eat, he would not accept anything we brought back for him. He was a mess. All he did was pace. Up, down, left to right, down, up, right to left and back again. I sighed quietly. Not that we could blame him, we were all thinking about the worst case scenario.

I couldn't even imagine Juliet not being around anymore. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to not see her, or not speak to her. I couldn't imagine a time without her impromptu, almost-daily appearances. Juliet would always come over unexpectedly and unannounced at least once, over a two day period. She'd randomly appear at the door, come in and start ranting about some incredibly rude sales person, or start raging about Lord of the Rings, or she and Tony would get into endless and confusing arguments about Star Wars. Sometimes Juliet would come over at the most inappropriate times but that's exactly what we loved about her. It was like she knew when to show up, she'd come by and just brighten the mood, I can think of countless times when she's come in during fights and solved them or helped alleviate the tension after fights. Juliet would cheer up all of us after stressful days, or fights with girlfriends, or break-ups. That was the hardest part of this whole thing. We all loved her. We'd all feel her death. She was a constant presence in all our lives. Even when she went on tour and we weren't on the same tour, we'd skype or she'd talk to each one of us individually by phone or text almost every day. She knew each of us craved her attention, so she gave it to us individually, almost always. We all liked talking to her, we all valued her opinion and we all asked her for advice because she was probably the wisest person we've all ever met.

I remember when Vic and Juliet first got together. Almost 9 years ago, when they were both 17 and I was still 15. They were never good at hiding their feelings for each other from other people. Vic and Juliet absolutely hated each other in the beginning, Vic would come home some days, storm into my room fuming and ranting on and on about every little thing he hated about her, every little thing she did that day, and how even when she breathed it set his teeth on edge. Then he'd feel guilty because he knew she was going through a lot after the death of her family and that's probably why she was like that. He used to say she couldn't possibly have always been a bitch because the people, who really knew her, her real friends, loved her to bits... Now I understand why. Maybe she was a bitch for a couple of months but you can't be angry at Juliet, because whatever her faults, which aren't many, she more than makes up for in virtues. And anyway I think she had more than enough reason to be angry and upset during that time. From the first day I saw my brother and Juliet in the same room together, in which they of course started arguing, I knew that there was definitely some sexual tension there. But when they finally come to their senses and realized they hated each other for no reason, you'd think they'd get together right? like in the movies. Well no. It still took them a whole month to finally admit their feelings for each other. After a year and bit together, Juliet was to move away and she broke things off with my brother before she went. My brother was so heartbroken after she was gone and I knew that Juliet was doing equally as bad. I saw Jeremy a couple days after they broke up at the mall and he told me she wasn't doing so well after the break up. After 7 extraordinary years the universe had enough and fate stepped in, Pierce the Veil was to tour with Paramore and Vic and Juliet were reunited. This of course led to them realizing they still loved each other and they started dating again.

It's been a year and bit now since the Brand New Eyes Tour and PTV and Paramore are extremely close. Practically family. Juliet and Vic are perfect for each other because they're so different, yet so alike. They're probably the cutest couple I've ever seen in my life. I'd never tell Vic but I hoped that when I met the love of my life we'd have a relationship just like theirs. They were so in sync and cute but they didn't cross into the weird, vomit-inducing couple category. You could see it in their eyes, even when they fought that they'd follow each other to the ends of the earth. But it was cute and not disgusting. As cheesy as it sounded both Vic and Juliet's eyes would unconsciously light up in each other's presence, their entire body language would shift once the other walked into the room. Every time you'd walk in on them they'd either be laughing or smiling at something the other said. I'd only ever seen them fight once, a few months ago, an hour before Vic got a call that Juliet was in hospital. Ever since Juliet was diagnosed, I'd never seen my older brother look so lost. Of course he'd never let her see it, but the few times we did manage to catch him at home and not at the hospital, we'd sometimes see glimpses of the hopelessness and pain he kept under wraps in her presence. And I admire that about my brother. Despite everything he's feeling he does not let Juliet see how much he's hurting or how scared he really is. Vic's trying to be strong for her, but I know she see right through he's façade.

I was distracted from my thoughts by movement to my left. It was the surgeon. His short brown hair looked the same as when he entered the surgery room and there wasn't any blood on his hands or his surgical garments, so that's got to be good? Dr. Thorn's eyes betrayed nothing as he slowly made his way to us, his stocky build would stiffen on his right side when he walked, almost like a limp. It's seemed to take minutes for him to reach us when it couldn't have been more than a couple of seconds; we all stood up almost simultaneously.

Vic

My thoughts were reeling as my hearing became unfocused. I didn't understand what was happening? I couldn't fully comprehend the words coming out of the doctor's mouth?

"...complications..." What kind of complications? "... tried everything...." What the hell is he talking about? "... didn't make it."

These were the last words I heard before my whole world came crashing down. I heard one of the guys desperately ask, If there was anything he could do and the doctor just sort of shook his head. He placed a hand on my shoulder and said "I'm sorry, Mr. Fuentes" before limping back in the direction he came from.

I couldn't think straight, this couldn't be happening, I was going to wake up and this whole ordeal would be just a dream and Juliet would be lying next to me, sleeping peacefully with her copper locks as a fiery halo encompassing her head. Her petite body would be curled up like a child against my chest and my strong arms would be wrapped around her waist holding her close to me. The golden San Diego sun would be lightly caressing our skin and illuminating the room in a soft glow.

But when I looked around all I could see were white walls, sick patients, healthy visitors, tired nurses and a worried Mike. He was gently shaking me and calling my name but I wasn't paying attention to him. I can just imagine what I looked like in the eyes of my little brother. I would be standing, right in front of where the doctor previously stood unmoving. My vacant, dark eyes would be staring blankly into the air in front of me with my arms hanging limply from my shoulders. I was in shock. I didn't actually understand what was happening. I couldn't string the meaning behind those words together. My mind couldn't comprehend what those three little words meant together in one sentence. My emotionally drained, sleep-deprived mind was still connecting the dot between those 11 letters. My hair was probably standing up in all directions and impossibly dirty. My clothes were rumpled, stained and stiff from wearing it for three days. The dark bags under my unseeing eyes did nothing to improve my already declining appearance. And I was quite positive that I smelled just as bad as I looked. I felt like a shell of my former self.

"Didn't make it?..." I whispered.

"Vic?" The sound of Tony's soft voice brought me back into the world. A world in which, God must have abandoned. A world in which there was no justice, where the good guys always went out first.

"This can't be happening..." I whispered as I finally looked into my brother's unreadable eyes. Mike was always difficult to read, even when we were kids. I felt an insatiable rage bubbling deep within my body. This wasn't fair... Juliet did not deserve this, She deserved to live. She suffered so much during her short life that it makes me wonder if there could possibly be a God. How could, He let such a pure, good person have so much death and suffering spread through her life like poison? As I continued looking into my brother's emotionless eyes it made me even angrier! How could be he be so calm? How could be so emotionless? So heartless! I shook his hand off with such force that surprise flitted through his eyes. Good, I thought. At least I was getting a reaction.

"Vic..." Mike tried to continue, as he reached for me.

"No Mike! This is not happening. She's okay. She's fine!" I yelled out angrily. As I tried to shake Mike off. He kept reaching out for me, trying to make me understand but I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to understand. Jaime and Tony were also trying to console me and calm me down. But I would not.

"Vic.."

"NO!" I yelled out in frustration! Why don't they understand? She's fine. She's okay. She said she wouldn't leave me. She said she'd be fine. Juliet never lied and she sure as hell wouldn't go out with a fight.

"Vic! Stop! Listen to me! There's nothing they could do, Vic. She's gone. She's not okay" Mike said as he grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

I fought him off and backed away from him. "Why don't you listen to me? She's not dead! She told me she'd be fine! And I refuse to believe otherwise!" I screamed at him "She's okay, Mike!" I kept repeating as I watched Jaime's usually beaming face replaced with a sad, dejected look.

I looked at my brother again and I could slowly see the pity spreading across his eyes and all it did was fuel my rage. I hated him at that moment. How could he look at me like that? I didn't want his pity! Juliet was going to wake any minute now and they would see how ridiculous they were all acting.

Mike made his way to me slowly and said "Vic, I'm so sorry," at this point he stopped, seeing the obvious loathing in my eyes.
"She's not okay man...I'm so sorry." I studied Mike's face and finally realized, It wasn't pity at all, it was pain. He was pained that he lost one of his closest friends but also pained to see his older brother losing himself. He was genuinely sorry. My rage melted instantly and I felt guilty for thinking those things about my younger brother. Before it could dissipate completely though, I felt a quick rush of adrenaline and disorientation consumed me. The next thing I knew I had punched a large hole into the hospital wall behind me. It wasn't very deep but was clearly visible and would require a fair amount of plaster to correct.
Tiny pieces of the once whole wall had crumbled all over the pristine ground. Much like my heart, it had shattered into millions of unrecognizable shapes. No matter how much work is put into repairing it there would still always be one piece missing. There would still be one imperfect flaw in the design. The wall could never be molded back to its original state. The new plaster put in would not be the same as the old; it would not interlock with the old cement to complete its random pattern.

Just like my heart.

I didn't even notice the searing pain in my right hand as my limp body slid to the ground in a pitiful mess. Strangled sobs escaped my ever tightening throat, as I knelt on the ground with my sweaty palms opened up to the cold surface of the unforgiving wall. With my forehead pressed up to the white exterior my tears continued to flow and mix in with the shattered pieces of my heart. The clear liquid created wet blotches on the pieces of white plaster and a weird muddy substances but I couldn't care less. Those three words resonated in my head once again and I finally understood why my heart felt like it was being cut out of my chest and torn into pieces before it would finally stop functioning. Just like that of my Juliet's. She wasn't going to be okay, like she said she would. I realized I had been repeating that aloud as Mike once again reached out and touched my arm. I turned to face him and asked "She's not okay, is she Mike?" I knew the answer but I didn't want to believe it. Mike was always so honest though and I knew he wouldn't lie about this. "No... I'm so sorry, Vic... I'm so sorry" He replied softly. His long, skinny, tattooed arms reached out to embrace me and I felt my tears continue to flow uninterrupted now, as I gripped the fabric between his shoulder blades and cried my misery into his shoulder. I don't know what had happened to Jaime or Tony at this point but I didn't care about them.

My Juliet was gone.

Never again would I see her huge radiant and contagious smile or her piercing diamond blue eyes. I wouldn't hear her beautiful laughter bounce around the warm walls of our home or feel her soft, elegant hands caressing my skin while we watched TV together. I'd never again feel her warm, confident hands tangled in my hair or feel her soft, beautiful lips on mine. I'd never again make her shiver by kissing her arm, where months of self-harm --almost 10 years ago-- permanently scared them with numerous, thin parallel lines running down her entire arm. Never again would I see the tiny beauty spot she had on her left shoulder or the small one in her cleavage, or the minuscule one on her left hand. Never again would I be able to kiss her smooth neck or gently nip at her subtle collar bones. She'd never again lie on top of me so that I could trace invisible circles on her naked back, while she'd tell me all about the songs she was working on for her next album. Or she'd just lay there asking me a million question about everything and yet about nothing. I would even miss the annoying habit she had of quoting all the Lord of the Rings movies while we watched them together. I'd miss how she would always scratch her left arm when she was nervous, stressed or in deep thought. She'd bite her lip unconsciously every time she had to make a decision. Didn't matter if she was deciding whether to eat her blueberries first or her apple, or whether or not it was a good idea to tell her best friend that his girlfriend was a bitch. Never again would I come home and find her and Tony arguing about who is a better companion, Legolas the elf from the Fellowship or Han Solo from Star Wars. I wouldn't come home anymore to find her and Mike being massive Harry Potter geeks and comparing each character to the actor who portrayed them in the movies, or her and Jaime coming up with some epic prank to get back at Mike.

The pain within my chest deepened to such an extent that I thought I would just collapse right there. But I wasn't so lucky. Neither death nor unconsciousness would come for me today. Death already made his rounds and took my Juliet with him.