Superman

I knew I was in trouble the first time I lay there staring at him instead of going to sleep. Did I really value just watching Dan sleep over getting my own? Apparently I did. And that really scared me. I knew what the signs were – butterflies, clammy palms, not being able to stop thinking about him, watching him sleep. I was falling for Dan. I knew it, I just really didn’t want it to be true. Not because I didn’t think being with Dan properly wouldn’t be amazing, because it really would be, but because I knew that’s not what he wanted. And if he found out that I maybe, kinda, sorta liked him, then I knew he would put an end to our…arrangement.

I sighed and rolled over, putting Dan out of my view. I suddenly felt weird being naked in bed with him. It was ridiculous, I knew, considering what had just happened between us, but lying there naked while he slept beside me also naked, felt slightly more…intimate. I slowly got out of bed and found my boxers and pulled them on. I looked over my shoulder once again at Dan’s sleeping face and smiled softly. How did he manage to look so amazing even fast asleep?

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so I crept out of his bedroom and down the hall to his kitchen. I boiled the kettle to make myself a cup of tea, hoping that it would help me relax. Sighing, I closed my eyes and learnt back against the counter as I waited for the kettle to boil.

“Hey,” a voice said from the doorway, making me jump. I looked over my shoulder towards Dan and felt my heart melt a little when I realised he was still more than half asleep. How had I only just realised how much I cared for Dan? Surely it should have been blindingly obvious before now. I mean, we’d been messing around for nearly a year…had I just completely ignored my feelings for that long?
“Hey,” I replied.
“Why aren’t you in bed?” he asked and I shrugged.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I said and Dan nodded.
“Okay, well, if you do get to sleep, I’ll probably be gone by the time you wake up,” he said, “I’m flying out early tomorrow.” I felt my small smile vanish as I nodded. I hated it when Dan went away. I knew he had to for his work, but I still hated it. Sometimes he was gone a week, sometimes a month. I was terrified that one day he wouldn’t come back. “I’m going back to bed, come back soon, ‘kay?” he said and I smiled and nodded again.
“I’ll be in in a sec,” I said quietly. Dan just nodded before heading back to bed.

I sighed heavily and finished making my cup of tea. It was scalding hot but I held it between my hands anyway. I hated it when Dan left. I knew we weren’t a real couple or anything but it still felt like he was leaving me. And God knows what he did what he was out of the country…or who. The thought was nearly enough to drive me to tears. I felt so ridiculously pathetic, but I couldn’t help it. I so badly wanted him to be mine. Properly. Sure, I knew his job was important to him and I would never make him choose. But I liked knowing that, if we were together, he’d definitely come back to me. I sipped my tea slowly, feeling myself get more and more tired. Once I was at the point where I was standing with my eyes closed, I knew that I needed to go back to bed. I set my mug down in the sink and headed back to the bedroom. Dan was fast asleep once again and I couldn’t help but smile. I snuggled back into bed and Dan seemed to automatically pull me against him as soon as he sensed me. I closed my eyes tight, not letting myself read into it.

When I woke up, the room was bright and the bed was empty. I sighed and rolled over to see a note on the bed side table. Had to leave, lock up behind you. See you soon. D. Was it just me, or was there little-to-no emotion in that note whatsoever? Was it too much to ask that Dan care, just a little, about me? I mean, we’d been friends for 2 years, been friends with benefits for 1.

I just sighed and set about getting dressed. I didn’t like being in this apartment knowing that Dan wasn’t coming back any time soon. I knew he had to work, I did, and I understood that. I just wished he didn’t have to travel for it. After getting dressed, I grabbed my set of keys – he’d given me them about 8 months ago – and left the apartment, making sure it was locked behind me. I didn’t actually any idea he was going to be gone for this time. Yet another thing that made me uneasy. I mean, he could just not come back.

--

Sometimes I thought I should just tell him how I felt, that I was pretty sure I was in love with him. It was a whole month before he came back from that one trip and he left 2 weeks later for another. I wasn’t sure what his job was exactly – he’d told me several times in detail, but all I knew was that he was a multinational consultant. It was what his dad did, too. I guess that’s what Dan wants, to impress his dad. I’d never actually met his parents, but his dad sounds like the sort that his unrealistically high expectations of his son.

In the times when Dan was away, I spent a lot of time with my friend, and Dan’s little sister, Kat. She was the one who introduced us, actually. Kat and I had been at university and she’d invited me on a night out and Dan tagged along. For ages I hadn’t been sure why he’d been there – it wasn’t exactly his scene – but then Kat told me that she’d been trying to set us up. It hadn’t worked out as she’d hoped, obviously, because Dan and I weren’t a real couple, but, to me, it was better than nothing. “Have you heard from him?” I asked Kat after we’d sat down in a café. Kat had come over to my flat and instead of hang out there, we decided to go to the café down the road. That question had been on the tip of my tongue from the moment she appeared at my door.
“Only that he landed safely yesterday morning,” she said and I sighed and nodded. “You miss him, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I admitted, glancing up into her smiling eyes.
“He misses you, too,” she said and I rolled my eyes, not believing her for a second.
“Yeah right,” I muttered. Kat looked at me for a moment before frowning slightly.
“Something’s changed,” she noted and I sighed before nodding. It was no good keeping something from her, she knew me almost better than I knew myself.
“Yeah,” I admitted once again. “I kinda had an epiphany a couple weeks ago.”
“Oh?” Kat asked, a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“Yeah, I think I might…you know…like Dan,” I said and Kat beamed.
“Oh, I knew you would,” she said happily. “You two are just meant to be.”
“Well, I don’t think Dan thinks so. All he’s ever wanted is just…sex,” I finished in a whisper. “He doesn’t want me for anything more than that.”
“That’s not true, Mason,” she said and I looked at her dubiously.
“Of course it is,” I said. “He’s made it blindingly clear that he doesn’t care about me like that.” Kat looked at me and shook her head with a sigh.
“So when did you finally fall for him?” she asked and I paused to think about it.
“I’m not sure,” I said finally. “I mean, I realised nearly 2 months ago. But I’m not really sure when the feelings started. Maybe…right from the start? I mean, I always knew Dan didn’t want anything serious, so I guess I just stamped down my feelings. But I can't seem to do it anymore.”
“Do you love him?” she asked and I nodded slowly.
“I can't help it,” I whispered. “I know I shouldn’t, but…”
“You should tell him,” she said and I snorted.
“Yeah, right,” I said, rolling my eyes.

We didn’t talk about Dan any more after that. We just caught up on each other’s lives – Kat was doing a PhD at Leeds university so was obviously working herself to the bone. I didn’t understand how someone could do so much work… Except Dan, of course, he seemed to do nothing but work.

I was my birthday a week later. Dan still wasn’t back. I wondered if he really even knew. He’d emailed me a few days before saying that he’d probably stay in New York for a bit longer. But that was it – no ‘how are you?’ or ‘I miss you’ or anything that might just give me the slightest hint that he liked me. Kat didn’t know what she was talking about. But that was fine, he just didn’t feel it. I couldn’t really me mad at him for something he didn’t feel, no matter how badly I wished he did.

“So, you’re gonna be 22 tomorrow,” Kat grinned at me as we watched tv in my flat.
“Yup,” I smiled.
“We’re gonna have to do something huge,” she said and I sighed.
“Really?” I asked. “I’m not really that bothered.”
“Oh, please, we’re gonna have a great night,” Kat said. “We can go into London.” I smiled and shook my head but couldn’t really say no.
“Okay,” I smiled and Kat cheered.
“We can invite everyone from uni,” she said, “it’ll be nice seeing them again.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, agreeing with that. We’d finished uni about 6 months ago, so a catch up would be nice. “He’s not coming back for it, is he?” I eventually asked and Kat sighed.
“I don’t think so, Mase,” she said and I nodded while biting my lip hard. I wasn’t really surprised, so I shouldn’t be disappointed, right? But I was.

The following morning, I woke up like every other day, ready to go to work. To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered that it was my birthday, it was Kat who seemed most excited, but I think it just gave her an excuse to drink. Just as I got out of the shower, there was a knock on my door. My heart jumped. Could it be? I quickly tied a towel around my hips and rushed to the door. My face fell slightly when I realised it wasn’t Dan but a delivery man. He handed me a box and then gave me a pen to sign a sheet on a clip board. “Thanks,” I muttered before closing the door. Maybe this was from Dan…? I quickly went to the kitchen and cut the string around the box and pulled the lid off. It was a bouquet of red flowers and I bit my lip, almost convinced they were from Dan. I picked up the small note tucked in the box and read, Happy 22nd Birthday! See you later, love you, Kat x

I hated that I nearly felt like crying because the flowers weren’t from him. Maybe he really had just completely forgotten… For the rest of the day while I was at work, I was moping around. I worked at a bookshop so it wasn’t too bad; I just stacked the shelves or stockroom. I avoided the customers, basically. At 3 o’clock, when my shift ended, I went back to my flat. I opened my door and walked inside, only to jump out of my skin when I saw Kat sitting on my sofa. “What are you doing here?” I asked her as I chucked my jacket over the back of the armchair.
“Just making sure you’re having a good birthday,” she said and I scoffed before heading to have a shower. It wasn’t her fault, I knew, but she was the only one around. I quickly got out of my uniform, which consisted of a black shirt and black trousers, and jumped into the shower. I sighed under the hot water, let myself forget all of the thoughts that had been running through my head since that morning.

As I was getting dressed, Kat knocked on my bedroom door and came in. I had a pair of boxers on at that point, but nothing else, but she didn’t seem to care. “Do you actually want to do something tonight?” she asked and I looked at her. “I mean, if you’re not in the mood, we could do it a different night.” I looked at her and smiled gently before sitting on the bed next to her.
“I love you, you know,” I said quietly and she smiled.
“I know,” she said happily, nudging me slightly.
“And I do want to do something,” I said. “I wanna go get drunk.” Kat frowned slightly, obviously thinking that that wasn’t the bed idea.

--

Several hours later, Kat and I were in a club in central London and we’d been joined by 5 others who we knew from university and lived close by. I’d had too much to drink, but I didn’t care. I’d finally got Dan out of my head…pretty much. “So, Mase, what now?” a girl, Chelsea, asked. I shrugged, not really in any state to make a real decision. Really, all I wanted was more alcohol. “Let’s go dance,” she said and everyone stood. I nodded and stood as well, only to sway slightly.
“Mase, do you think you’ve had enough?” Kat asked and I shook my head, downing the rest of my JD and coke.
“You comin’?” I asked her as the others all stumbled to the dance floor. Kat glanced towards the door almost anxiously and I followed her gaze and saw nothing. “You expecting someone?” I asked her with a grin. “Got a secret boyfriend I don’t know about, huh?”
“I think you should call it a night,” she said and I frowned and shook my head again, even though it made me slightly dizzy. I blinked several times to clear my vision and focused on her once again.
“I don’t need you looking after me,” I told her. “Nor do I need your brother. No. He can go fuck himself for all I care.”
“How charming,” said a voice behind me and I turned quickly, only to stumble sideways slightly. Dan quickly took hold of my arm to steady me but I pulled away from him. “Kat texted me, she said you needed to go home,” Dan said and I turned and glared at Kat.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to stand as still as possible. I couldn’t work out whether it was me or just my vision that was swaying. I blinked several times, hoping to make everything stop moving. “Wait, how are you here?” I asked with a frown. I wasn’t too drunk to know that he was still meant to be away on business.
“I got back last night,” he said and hurt slammed into me. He’d been back, this whole time, and he hadn’t even bothered with me. On my birthday. I looked at him for a second before turning back to Kat.
“You’re right, I’ve had enough,” I said. I grabbed my jacket from where it was slung over a seat and pulled it on.
“I’ll take you home,” Dan said but I quickly pushed him away.
“Don’t,” I said tersely. “Don’t come near me.”
“Mason, you can't go home on your own,” Kat said but I ignored her and walked away. Now that the pain of knowing Dan had been around and just not bothered had sunk in, my buzz from the alcohol was long gone. I was heartbroken. He really just didn’t care.

I got outside and quickly found a taxi and went home. I didn’t even turn any lights on in my flat, just locked the door behind me and collapsed on my sofa. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I drifted into unconsciousness.

--

I groaned as I came to and threw my arm over my eyes to block out the sun. I realised that I was still in the living room and cursed myself for not getting in bed the night before. And then everything came flooding back to me. I wished I’d been drunk enough that I forgot it all, but I hadn’t been. Dan had been back in the country, for my birthday, and he hadn’t cared. I knew that our relationship, or whatever the hell we had, was over now. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t sleep with him while he pretended to care about me but actually just wanted an easy lay. That’s all I had been, someone available during his brief stints in the city where he could go to get sexual relief. I felt like a whore.

I slowly rose from the sofa and went into the kitchen. I filled the kettle and left it to boil. Then, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and pulled it out. It was Kat calling; I let it go to voicemail. Once the call stopped, I realised that I had 5 missed calls from her and 8 from Dan. I also had a couple texts from the others who came out, mostly asking if I was okay and saying that last night had been fun. And it had been fun, right up until my so-called best friend called my other so-called best friend (slash, person I slept with) to pick me up and I had my heartbroken. Yeah, up until that, it had been awesome.

I just got through deleting all the missed calls when someone knocked on my door. I looked up but didn’t move, knowing it would either be Kat or Dan. I sighed softly and went to my door and looked through the peep hole. Oh, God, it was both of them. “Go away,” I said through the door.
“Mason, please let us in,” Kat said desperately. I was kind of tempted to let her in, but I knew if I let her in, Dan would come in too. And I really didn’t want that.
“No way,” I said. “Both of you, leave me alone.”
“Mason,” Dan said softly, making my pause. I hated that I wanted to hear what he had to say. But I wanted to know what his excuse was. Part of me knew he wouldn’t have one, but I wanted to hear his attempt. “Please listen to me.” I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes, desperately fighting back my tears. “Just let me in, Mase, please. And I’ll explain.” I glared at the door.
“Why should I?” I asked angrily, before pulling my door open but not letting them in. “I clearly mean absolutely nothing to you. Why should I listen to anything you have to say?” Dan stared at me in surprise; he’d never seen my angry before but I wasn’t going to stop. “I used to think you were the most amazing person in my life, you were my superman, Dan. I understood why you left and that you came back to me. I understood what I was to you, or at least I thought I did. I get that you didn’t care about me in the same way that I cared about you. But I at least thought you thought of me as your friend. But you didn’t even care about my birthday… So screw you, Dan, you can fly away and never return for all I care.” I went to slam my door but Dan’s hand held it open.
“You need to listen to me, Mason,” Dan said, but now that I’d got to the end of my rant, my energy had vanished and I was nothing but embarrassed and hurt.
“No,” I said.
“Please, Mason,” he said desperately and I couldn’t help but pause.
“What do you want?” I asked, opening my door further but still not letting them in.
“Just let me explain,” he said. I didn’t say anything and he took that as his cue to continue. “Okay, I know I messed up. And I’m so, so sorry, Mason. I just…okay…the thing is…all the time we’ve been messing around, hell, even before we started messing around, I’ve had feelings for you, okay? Real feelings. But I didn’t say anything because, you know, I’m out of the country more often than I am in it. And that wouldn’t be fair to you. I couldn’t ask you to be a part of a relationship like that. And yesterday…I was just feeling so crap about the whole situation and I knew that if I saw you, it would just make me feel ten times worse. So I stayed away. And I’m just…I’m sorry.”

I stared at him in shock. Of all of the excuses I’d anticipated, that wasn’t one of them. “Oh,” I whispered, lowering my gaze and staring at the floor with a frown. How was I meant to think this through? I could hardly think straight.
“Please can I come in?” Dan asked. I just nodded.
“I’m gonna go,” Kat said. “I’ll speak to you guys later.” I just nodded again as I closed the door.

Dan and I stood in silence for a moment before I shifted awkwardly and went into the living room. “Can you say something, please?” Dan asked after a minute and I cleared my throat.
“I don’t…I don’t know what to say,” I whispered.
“Look, I know this a lot to take in, I just-“
“No, it’s not that,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I just…never imagined I’d hear you say stuff like that. Not to me, at least.”
“What? Why?” he asked with a frown.
“I dunno, I mean, when we were fooling around and stuff, it was amazing and it felt like you did care about me,” I said. “But then…you know, outside the bedroom, it just…didn’t.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I tried to distance myself.”
“Why?” I whispered and Dan sighed.
“I just…I know that if something real were to happen between us, my job would get so much harder. How am I supposed to leave you behind?” he asked and I couldn’t help but smile softly.
“Take me with you,” I whispered, moving slightly closer to him.
“I wouldn’t make you do that,” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “You don’t need me dragging you places for you to sit around while I’m in meetings.”
“Hey, I’d rather be sitting in a hotel room knowing for sure you’d be back soon than sitting here on my own wondering if you might not come back at all,” I told him and he frowned slightly.
“You worried that I wouldn’t come back?” he whispered and I blushed and shrugged.
“I guess,” I muttered. “I mean…I was scared that because we weren’t really anything, that I wouldn’t be reason enough for you to want to come home.”
“Mase, it was always you pulling me home,” Dan whispered, stepping close to me and brushing his fingers down my cheek.
“Really?” I whispered, gazing up at him.
“Always,” he sighed.
“I love you, you know,” I whispered and Dan grinned.
“I know,” he whispered, “I love you, too, Mason. So much.” I grinned as well and then Dan’s lips met mine and I all but melted in his arms. Dan’s tongue brushed over my lips and I eagerly welcomed him in. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders to hold myself up, and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. “Mason,” Dan gasped, prematurely ending the kiss.
“Hmm,” I murmured, wanting nothing more than to start kissing him again.
“Will you be my boyfriend?” he asked and I couldn’t help but grin.
“Yes,” I said happily and then Dan was kissing me deeply once again.

--

Two weeks later, Dan had to go away again. It was the first time he’d left since we’d officially become a couple but because of my job, I couldn’t go with him. At the airport, I held onto him until the very last second. “I’m gonna miss you,” I whispered, looking up into his dark brown eyes.
“I’m gonna miss you, too,” he said softly, stroking my cheek. “I’ll text you and phone you every day. I promise. I’ll be back in a week.” I smiled weakly and nodded, stretching up to kiss him one more time.
“I love you,” I whispered. It was the first time I’d ever been able to say it before one of his trips. And I felt so much better for it.
“I love you, too,” he whispered. “I’ll see you soon, baby.” I just smiled and nodded as Dan pulled away and walked through security. Even though that time was harder than all the other times he’d gone away in the past, I knew with greater certainty than ever before that he would be back. I knew that he loved me and he knew that I was waiting for him.