Tears Don't Fall

I stirred from my sleep, a pounding headache seething just within the reaches of my skull. The events of last night danced just out of my grasp. Nothing was coming back to me, except the smell of sex on the hotel sheets. I remember the girl, her bright hair, yet eyes so dull. It made me wonder what went on behind her hazel orbs.

My eyes cracked open to stare at the cheap LED clock. 3:53am glared back at me, not helping the already throbbing headache I had acquired. What was I even doing last night? Drinking, of course. I couldn’t remember how many bottles I had polished off, but evidently it was an astronomical amount.

My eyes strayed to the mirror across the room. The reflection was barely recognizable as a man. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes were bloodshot. The only identifying marks on the man’s body were the tattoos on his hands and the scar leftover from the eyebrow ring that had long since been removed.

The sheets behind me were still warm, so I rolled gently over. Shaking the sight of myself out of my mind, I went to drape an arm around the small frame I expected to be there. My arm landed limply on an empty mattress, forcing a frown across my face. I couldn’t believe she would leave before I got up. That was when the realization hit me.

She had to have known what I’d done. The shame and guilt that I had buried last night resurfaced, taking over my thoughts and actions. Did she know? I didn’t know how she would know about Kenzie. I was a thousand miles away from my home and my girlfriend.

Slowly, I pulled myself out of bed, making my way into the small hotel bathroom. The counter was cluttered beyond belief with everything I had brought with me, and my stash of coke was shoved into the corner. I needed some sort of fix, that I knew, but I wasn’t sure whether it was the shiny, metal razor or the white, powdery drug that was calling to me.

I grabbed onto the edge of the counter for support as I made my way toward the addiction kit that I had put together. I gently laid my hands on the small wallet-like pouch that sat in the corner. Inside was a small chunk of a broken mirror that had blood smeared across it.

“Austin?” The small voice was accompanied by a quiet knock on the door. The tone was needy, but pathetic. If I had to venture a guess, it was Ben, wanting comfort after having a nightmare or missing his family’

I threw my stash on the bathroom counter, among the other clutter, and moved to open the hotel room door. I was always suckered into helping people, and Ben and Tyler had been frequent visitors. Tyler and I had a rather messy falling out a few days ago. I knew he was probably going to leave the band soon; it was only a matter of time.

When I opened the door, I was greeted by a red-eyed Ben Ferris. He let out a heart wrenching sob before collapsing into my arms. The boy had always been weak and spineless like this, but he had never actually come crying to me.

“Ben, what’s wrong?” I sighed, prying the smaller boy off of me. He looked up at me with those sad, worthless blue eyes. His head flailed back and forth as he tried to explain, but all he could say was something about Tyler.

“I-I was sl-sleeping and when I woke up, I—” Ben stuttered, trying to gather his thoughts. “Tyler left.”

“He, what?” I snapped, shoving Ben out into the hallway. I couldn’t believe that self-centered dick would abandon his fans and us that way. “Get out, Ben. I need time to think.”

With that, I slammed the door in his face. I didn’t think the little bitch would actually walk out. The very ground beneath my feet felt as if it were crumbling away. Veronica had left, and now my band was falling apart. I fled into the bathroom, hastily grabbing at the bag with my stash in it. I needed it before I went crazy. Seething with anger, I uncapped the small vile of white powder and poured a tiny amount onto the shard of mirror.

I remembered how much Tyler hated me doing this and chuckled. We had tried it together, but I was the only one that actually got into it. Leaning over to inhale it, my phone started ringing. I let out an annoyed sigh, throwing the straw into the sink so I could look at my phone. I didn’t understand why she would call me so soon, but I picked up.

“Veevee?” I asked, delicately clutching the phone to my ear. My anger at Tyler subsided, but when she spoke, the feeling gave way to sadness I hadn’t felt before.

“Austin,” The fact that she was crying was poorly masked by her shaky voice, “I’m sorry, but I can’t come around anymore. I—I’ve fallen too much for you, and I can’t do this any longer. I’m sorry that I love you. Bye, Thornton. I—I’ll see you around.”

“Vee, wait!” I exclaimed, but she had hung up before I could explain. I loved her, too. Couldn’t she understand that?

Throwing the phone against the wall, I let out a strangled grunt. I glanced angrily at the thin line of white powder sitting along the counter. It was a monster, that I had realized, and from the moment I had taken my first hit, I should have known it would uproot my entire life. My addictions had gotten bad recently, I was aware of that much, but how it affected others hadn’t really sunken in until now.

I inhaled slowly, picking up everything from the kit and made my way to the window. The hotel room was on the second floor, towering over a man-made lake. Clutching the razor, mirror, and cocaine, I let myself exhale. Letting this go was the first thing I was going to be concerned with.

Glancing across the glowing Texas desert, everything from the last few hours vanished from my mind. Maybe, I thought, it would be worth getting clean. My hand pulled back, thoughts racing. All I could think was to get rid of it. The events of last night fled my mind, and I launched my hand forward, releasing my stash with anger.

Watching as the supplies landed and sunk to the bottom of the lake, I felt a burden lift off my chest. Maybe I could get my act together.

Today is the first step into the future of Austin Thornton.