I Never Meant For It To Happen

I never meant for it to happen. I just did what I was told. He was laid there dreaming his life away with a small smile playing on his lips. He was only five.

I was fifteen when it happened and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. It was late on January 17th. My mum and dad wanted me to look after my younger brother. I only agreed because my parents were going to pay me. The money wouldn’t have stayed with me long, I needed to pay people. I needed my fix.

My withdrawals were getting worse as I spent the second week without my fix. Sadly, because my parents didn’t know that I was having withdrawals or that I was taking anything, they allowed me to take care of their son; my brother. My withdrawals can make me emotional, angry, depressed or hyper. I never knew which one it was going to be until it was too late.

That night as I was sat talking to an old friend on Skype, Jacob came running in trying to show me what he had done at school that day. I just pushed him away and told him to leave me alone because I was busy. He wouldn’t leave. He continuously tried to get my attention.

Suddenly I heard a voice ‘Emmie, get rid of him now! You don’t need him; you don’t need anyone apart from me and the drugs.’

I looked around trying to work out where the voice had come from. ’Emmie, I’m the only one you need just listen to me, okay?’

I nodded although I still couldn’t work out who I was nodding at.

“Emmie? Emmie are you okay?” Jacob questioned as he sat on the floor in front of me.
I glared at him “Jacob go die and leave me in peace; I’m busy.” I growled
“Why have I up-” I cut him off
“Just go. I hate you. I don’t need you.”
Jacob ran out of the room and the voice re-appeared ‘Well done. I’m proud of you’
I smiled, feeling happy because I had finally made someone take pride in me. That was until I heard the soft whimpering of Jacob coming from his bedroom.

I climbed the stairs carefully and slightly wary of how my brother was going to act towards me being suddenly nice. I didn’t know why my mood had changed. If these were my withdrawals then they weren’t the same as usual because no one has ever spoken to me as though they are inside of my head.

“Jacob, are you okay?” I asked as I sat down on the edge of his bed. He just shook his head.
“Emmie you scared me. I don’t like it when you shout at me.” He whispered with caution. I frowned. I never wanted to scare my brother; I just wanted to impress the voice.

I laid down with Jacob and let him cuddle into me until he fell asleep. I woke up at 3:46am and noticed that Jacob was laid there smiling and dreaming away.

‘Emmie, why does he always get to be happy? Why can’t you be happy and get the attention off of everyone like he does’ I shrugged to the voice as if it say I didn’t know.

‘If you destroy him everyone will pay attention to you’ as sick as it sounds, I liked the sound of all of the attention so I questioned the voice “What do I have to do to make him disappear?”
‘Emmie, get a pillow and smother him with it. That way he won’t feel any pain.’
I nodded again as I got a pillow and covered my five year old brothers face. When I removed the pillow five minutes later, I couldn’t feel a pulse on his wrist or any breath coming out of his mouth. Then it hit me. I had just committed murder. I had just killed my own flesh and blood because some unknown voice had told me to.

I stood looking over Jacob’s lifeless, dead corpse and started to cry. I couldn’t believe what I had done and I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. So I took one last look at his body before walking to the bathroom in search of my mum’s sleeping tablets. When I found them, I swallowed as many as I could but when the bottle was empty I couldn’t feel anything different. I then decided to find other tablets to take until everything around me started to go blurry and then I blacked out.

In one night I had committed suicide and committed murder on my brother. I had succeeded in both all because I was told to do it by one unknown voice.