I'll Paint You Wings, and I'll Set You Free

“I’m going to ask you for a huge favor today, Jack.”

Jack straightens up in his seat, spine pressed against the uncomfortable wood back of the chair and watching his supervisor carefully. He’s never been able to tell if she likes him or not. Jack thinks he’s a likable person, but with Ashley, he just can’t tell. He watches her flip through some folders, searching for something and smiling to herself when she finally finds it. She pulls a piece of paper out of one of the bottom folders and once her eyes settle back on Jack, her smile is gone and she looks bored and uninterested again.

“You’ve probably heard we lost Jamie as an employee yesterday,” She says slowly, and yes, Jack had heard that. “So until I can redistribute her patients, I’m going to need you to take on two of them for me today. I hope that’s okay.”

And Jack knows that even if it’s not okay, she wouldn’t care, and he would be stupid to even think of saying otherwise. He’s not here to kick back and relax and do what he wants – he’s here to impress and hopefully be offered a full-time job once he graduates next spring. So he nods and takes the paper out of her outstretched hands. There are two names at the top, which he doesn’t recognize, along with a room number. He looks back up at her, waiting for more info.

“That’s Martin and Alexander’s room. It’s only a couple of rooms down from the few that you’re already dealing with so I figured this one couldn’t hurt. Martin is easy – he’s sixteen and he barely speaks and all you really need to do is give him his medications, see how he’s doing and make sure he’s got what he needs. Alexander on the other hand is a bit more…high maintenance.”

Now that she mentions that, Jack totally recalls hearing about that kid.

“Just give him his pills, try and ignore his foul mouth and ask him if he needs anything. Don’t ask more than once – that’ll just give him more chances to insult you. Okay?”

It doesn’t sound okay; it sounds more like a fucking battle plan that really doesn’t do much to prepare him. But he grins and nods and says, “Sounds great. I’ll head over there after I check in with Sophia and Isabelle.”

“Both of their parents are visiting at noon so you won’t need to be around them too much today. And what time are you leaving today Jack?”

Jack wants to tell her that he’s leaving the same time he does every Thursday – three o’clock so he can get back to school and make it to class by four – but he bites his tongue and just gives her the response she wants, knowing that it’s best to just suck up now and get on her good side because if he doesn’t, he’ll be screwed. Of course, with his new room assignment, he totally already is. He just isn’t aware of it yet.



Jack doesn’t get paid for this. He doesn’t even really get that much acknowledgment for it. All he does get is a grade from his supervisor, which is passed on to his professors and written down in their grade books and averaged together to give him a (hopefully) stellar GPA and the go-ahead to graduate and find a full-time job. Sometimes Jack thinks the nursing program is a little too extreme for him (what with all the tests and papers and presentations and clinical work and observations and God he can’t remember the last time he slept more than four hours a night) but then he remembers the kids he spends his days with and it all suddenly becomes worth it. He knows he’s lame – his friends tell him every chance they get.

Sophia and Isabelle have been under Jack’s care since he started his clinical work at the children’s hospital in May. The nine year olds were both admitted to be treated for leukemia, as most of the patients at the hospital are, about a month apart, and luckily, they’re both responding pretty well to the treatments. Jack thinks they’ll go into remission soon enough (he’ll never say it aloud, though) and then he’ll be assigned to new patients and he hopes they’ll be just as easygoing and entertaining and happy. It’s hard to find any happiness on this floor, and it amazes Jack that two little girls, who are as sick as they are, can find anything to be happy about.

As always, he gives the girls their medications and their parents come in just as he’s about to leave. They have supportive parents who visit nearly every single day, at least for an hour or so, and Jack appreciates that. He knows that there are some kids here who barely get a visit a week, let alone every day. Sometimes parents think it hurts too much to see their kids like this, but they don’t realize that it hurts them even more when they don’t come by.

Sophia’s promised “See you later Jack!” is what gives him the motivation to get to room 122B without too much hesitation. He picks up Alexander and Martin’s medications at the desk, noting that Martin has way more to take than the other boy does and he finds himself wondering what exactly these two boys are in here for.

The crumpled paper that he pulls out of his pocket tells him that Martin suffers from CML – Chronic Myeloid Leukemia – and has been in the hospital for over a year. Jack frowns, knowing that that can only mean one of two things. Either his treatments are going well, and he’ll be out soon, or the exact opposite. Judging by the amount of pills he has to take each day, Jack’s going to go with the latter. Alexander is in for Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, and it’s his third time being admitted here. To be honest, Jack can kind of see why he’s not exactly the nicest kid in the world. According to everyone else, at least. Jack will just have to see for himself.

The outside of 122B’s door is decorated with decorative fall leaves with Martin and Alexander’s names. There’s a little sign that says “Welcome!” in cursive letters and from the outside, the room seems warm and inviting. But once he steps inside, Jack knows he’s as far from welcome as he can possibly get.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“You must be Alexander,” Jack says, placing the small plastic cups with their pills on the table next to the door. There’s a small bouquet of flowers with a balloon tied to the vase, as well as a tray with a pitcher of water and two glasses, but other than that, it’s empty. The brunette boy sitting up in the bed closest to the window is glaring at him, watching every move he takes and suddenly, Jack thinks he has a good idea of why Jamie decided to quit.

The other bed is occupied by a younger boy who Jack assumes must be Martin. One look at him and Jack knows that his assumption about his illness was right – he’s thin and tired and these pills are the only thing keeping him together. So Jack moves a little faster, pours the boy a cup of water and hands the cup of pills over to him.

“My name’s Jack,” He starts, offering the boy a small smile. “I’m just filling in since Jamie-”

“She fucking quit, didn’t she?” Alexander interrupts, rolling his eyes. “Whatever. She was a fucking bitch.”

Jack blinks. Ashley was right when she said Alexander had a ‘foul mouth’. “I’m just filling in until they figure out who’s going to take over.”

Martin shyly returns the smile Jack had given him, taking a sip of water and dumping the pills out on the tray in front of him, counting them as if making sure Jack got them all. Jack watches as he decides that yes, all six of them are definitely there, and picks up the tiny blue one and pops it in his mouth and swallows it down with a sip of water. He does the same with the next one, and Jack picks up the other plastic cup and brings it over to place on Alexander’s tray.

“Oh thanks so much,” Alexander snaps, “My name’s just Alex by the way, moron.”

Of course it is, Jack thinks, heading back over and pouring another glass of water for Alex to take with his pills. He resists the urge to even respond to him, taking Ashley’s advice and ignoring him for the most part. He takes both of his two pills at once, tipping them out of the cup and into his mouth and following them with a gulp of water. He looks back at Jack, hands out the now empty pill cup and smirks. “I get to live another day – all thanks to you.”

With a soft sigh, Jack takes the cup out of his hands and asks, “Need me to get you anything else?”

The seventeen year old stretches out on his bed, on top of the sheets, letting his t-shirt ride up and expose his skin, as if he’s trying (and failing) to be seductive, or something. “Unless you have weed on you, no.”

Figures. Jack turns back to Martin, who’s just swallowed his sixth and final pill, and takes the empty cup off the tray. “Need anything else?” he asks kindly, wondering how this kid possibly puts up with Alex every single day and not want to jump out a window. “More water?”

“I’m okay,” Martin tells him, voice quiet and unsure, looking down at his hands but still sneaking a glance over at Alex. Alex gives him a look – Jack’s not sure how to interpret it – and then Martin is clearing his throat and saying, “A-actually…I have a deck of cards on the top shelf of my closet but I can’t reach them. Can you grab them for me?”

The whole exchange was a little bit strange to Jack – he can’t help but think that Alex just wants the cards to himself to do something weird with them – but he walks over to the closet on Martin’s side of the room, slides the door open and spots the deck of cards on the top shelf. He reaches up and grabs it, tosses it to Martin who barely manages to catch it, and then sighs again. “So that’s all you need?”

Martin nods, offering Jack a more confident smile than before, “Thanks Jack.” He opens the cards and starts shuffling them, and Alex flips on the TV that hangs on the opposite wall from their beds, not giving Jack another glance or another insult. Jack leaves the room feeling more verbally abused than he ever has in his life. And he grew up with older siblings, so that has to say something.



At a quarter to three, Jack leaves Isabelle and Sophia's room. Usually, Jack gets to spend more time with them but since their parents came and since he has class at four, he only got about an hour. Not that he's going to complain - any time with them is good enough for him. He leaves the room with half-completed coloring pages of princesses and rainbows and the knowledge that Sophia could be going home next week so she can continue the last of her treatment closer to home. He could tell that Isabelle wasn't exactly too happy about that information, but Jack can't blame her. She's the only friend she has in this hospital.

"Jack! Just the guy I'm looking for."

Jack tenses, hand tightening around his ID card that he just pulled from his wallet. He's about to check out for the day, but Ashley clearly has other plans for him.

She stops right in front of him, face void of any emotion or even a hint at one, and hands Jack two thick folders. "I heard how well you did with Alexander and Martin earlier. All Alexander talked about when I went to check in with them is how you ignored him. So, I figure you're the right guy for them. How about it, Jack?"

Jack stares at the folders in his hands, knowing that all of Martin and Alex's medical records and confidentials are held inside. He wants to tear Alex's folder up, set it on fire and maybe throw it off a cliff. But he just gives Ashley a small smile. "I don't know...he's a little overwhelming..."

"I have every confidence that you can do this, Jack. Besides, usually during someone’s clinicals, we switch your patients around every few months – to give you new experiences. So now you’re going to be focusing on Martin and Alexander while I assign someone new to Isabelle and Sophia,” she says, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, shifting from one foot to the other, waiting for Jack’s response. Normal people would smile and act like they actually like talking to someone. Jack isn’t sure how he’s going to deal with her.

“I guess I can do it,” Jack tells her, tightening his hands on the folders. “Hopefully I can handle it.”

Ashley nods and puts her hand on his upper arm, the form of contact Jack has ever gotten from her. “You can handle it,” she says simply, as if Jack is stupid for even thinking otherwise, and heads back down the hallway towards the doors, without once giving Jack a smile or anything. Jack finds himself wondering if she’s married. Then he decides there’s no possible way anyone would tolerate her enough to marry her.



"Can you shut the fuck up? I'm watching a movie and your voice is making it pretty difficult to pay attention, you moron."

'Moron' seems to be Alex's go-to insult, Jack quickly learns. It's his third full day with Alex and Martin under his care and it's become more than obvious that these guys are going to be the reason he drops out of the nursing program. Alex is a pain in the ass and Jack thinks it’s only a matter of time before he cracks and gives him a broken nose. Martin is fine - behavior and attitude-wise at least. But he's so sick - so small and fragile and sad all the time - and he's not getting any better and Jack thinks that nobody has told him that. It hurts seeing someone's health declining every day. Especially someone who's only sixteen.

"I haven't said a single word," Jack mumbles low enough for Alex not to hear. He pulls the chart from the slot at the end of Martin's bed, filling in the numbers on the heart monitor and other machines. Martin watches him; book in his lap and eyes barely open. It's only half past noon.

"If you're tired you can take a nap, buddy," Jack tells him, ruffling his hair and making him smile. "I promise I'll make sure they bring your lunch later instead of at one this time."

"I'm not that tired," Martin tells him, but his actions betray his words and he curls up on his side, eyes closed. The book he was reading falls to the side of the bed, slipping between the mattress and the rails. Jack sighs, goes back to finishing up with his notes and makes sure to underline the word "exhausted" that he’s written in the tiny comments section at the bottom. One of the head nurses who comes in to check out what Jack’s filled out will probably ignore it, but he figures he might as well try and bring attention to it. There’s gotta be something they can do about his medication dosage to try and make him less tired.

Jack looks at Alex after he puts Martin’s folder back. The teenager is wearing a red beanie on his head, black sweatpants and a basketball tee, reclined on the bed and watching a movie that Jack doesn’t recognize. From here, he looks like a nice kid who’s just trying to get better. But Jack knows better. He knows he’s actually the devil. He tries his best to remain unnoticed as he approaches the bed and pulls the folder out, flipping it open to today’s page. He’s halfway through filling it out when Alex speaks.

“I bet you have really girly handwriting,” he says, and when Jack glances up, he sees that Alex isn’t even looking at him. “Not like real doctors. You know, where you can’t even read what they prescribe you? You probably put hearts over your lower case I’s.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of sitting in bed and insulting me? Why don’t you go to the rec room? I’m sure someone wants to play checkers with you,” Jack finds himself saying before he can stop himself. The look on Alex’s face is enough to stop him from being annoyed that he acknowledged him.

As if he realizes this, Alex wipes the shocked look off his face and crosses his arms over his chest. “I don’t think I could ever get tired of insulting you. There are just so many things to insult. Besides,” he motions towards Martin, who’s probably sound asleep by now, “I have to stay. His hot boy toy is coming by and when I say hot, I mean hot.”

It’s all Jack can do to keep himself from rolling his eyes. He shoves the folder back into place after stopping himself from writing ‘irritating and obnoxious’. He doesn’t know what Alex means by ‘boy toy’ or if he was even being serious (but from experience, Jack is going to say he’s not), but either way, he has no idea how Martin has dealt with this kid for the past few weeks. No wonder he sleeps all the time. He does it so Alex can’t insult him.

Twenty minutes later and Jack finds himself in the rec room, helping Sierra Kusterbeck pin festive paper leaves on the bulletin board. She goes to school with him and is in all of his classes. She’s the only person left in the nursing program that Jack has been friends with since it started. All of the friends they had made in the beginning dropped out along the way. Jack thinks he might not be too far behind them.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sierra comments, brushing her hair out of her eyes as she stands on her toes to reach the top of the board. “You have one more semester. We have one more semester. And I’m not letting you drop out when we’re so close to the end. Remember what we said freshman year?”

Yes, he remembers. How could he forget? Their stupid little pact between them, promising one another that they’d get through this together. Jack will never tell her that he kind of only made that promise because he had a bit of a crush on her and she was the first girl to give him the time of day. That wasn’t long before he realized he was actually really into guys.

“You’re right, I know,” Jack sighs, handing her another leaf. He has fifteen minutes before he’s supposed to go back to Alex and Martin’s room and try and socialize them a bit. He knows Alex will say no but he might be able to get Martin to come watch the movie that’s being set up on the TV. “It’s just hard when I hate coming in every day because I know I’m only going to get insulted and tormented by a seventeen year old.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Sierra laughs, and one of the teenage boys who’s sitting at a table near them looks up and stares at her, obviously finding her attractive. It happens. Jack is used to it by now. “He’s seventeen. He is a seventeen year old boy. Weren’t you an asshole at seventeen?”

“I wasn’t nearly as bad.”

She smiles and pats Jack on the shoulder, her manicured nails pressing into his skin. “No, but you also weren’t a leukemia patient, were you? Scratch that – a leukemia patient who’s been in remission twice already but it just keeps coming back.”

“Well don’t you know how to make a person feel like shit,” Jack teases, shoving her playfully. “I know you’re right. He’s just…he really is such an asshole. Sometimes I’m pretty sure there’s something more than just his illness making him that way. But I wouldn’t know – he doesn’t let me get a word in.”

He watches as his friend gathers up the remaining decorations and puts them into a neat pile. She’s so focused on it that she probably didn’t even really hear what Jack just said. She tends to zone out a lot, off in her own world, and Jack just has to wait until she comes back. It’s a big reason why she’s single. Most of the guys she dates can’t handle it – can’t handle her attention not being on them all the time. She’s different – in a good way – and Jack just wishes he could find her someone who will appreciate that. So he waits, leans up against the wall as she organizes her piles, as a little girl asks her what movie they’re going to play later, and he smiles, because if anybody is destined to be a nurse it’s definitely Sierra.

“What were you saying?” She asks as they walk down the hallway of the first floor of the children’s ward together. “Something about words?”

“No, I was just saying I think there’s a bigger reason as to why he acts out the way he does.”

She looks thoughtful for a moment, contemplating his response and then asking, “Well, does he get very many visitors?”

“No,” Jack replies instantly. “He hasn’t gotten any since I’ve started with him. Martin’s had his parents over twice, but Alex has always been alone when I’m there. He could get visitors later when I’m gone but I’d have to ask his night nurses.”

“You should ask him about it. Maybe that will be a good way to get a conversation started.”

He tells her that he’ll try that – lies through his teeth – and they go their separate ways once they reach 122B, after Jack picks up Martin and Alex’s pills from the nurse on duty. Sierra gives him a quick confidence boost, one that he knows will just be ripped away once Alex catches sight of him, and pats him on the back. He almost thinks that hey, maybe Alex won’t be too bad – maybe he’ll even be sleeping – so with a little more confidence than he had earlier that morning, he turns the handle and pushes open the door.

He’s not only met with Martin and Alex, but also with another boy who’s sitting in a chair beside Martin’s bed, feet up and head back as he laughs at something someone must have said. It had to have been Martin, considering Alex is scowling at the TV. Plus, Jack can’t really see Alex saying anything worth laughing about.

The new boy in the room looks a little bit older than Martin is, with light brown hair and well defined arms that are put nicely on display by his sleeveless shirt. He looks like he’s just come from the gym. He looks over at Jack with a smile when he notices him and he gives him a small wave.

“I’m Zack,” he says, nodding in Jack’s direction. “You’re Jack, right?”

“That’d be me,” Jack confirms, offering him a smile. Martin looks happy now. Jack knows well enough by now that it’s definitely this guy making him that way, and not Alex. “And what’s your relationship to Martin, if you don’t mind me asking?” he questions, pulling Martin’s chart out of the slot at the end of the bed.

Zack shrugs. “Boyfriend. Best friend.”

Jack nods, filling in the usual information on the chart for the head nurse to check over later. Martin has an MRI at three, he notes, wondering if maybe he should remind the boy of that or not. Jack looks up and decides he should probably not. Martin looks pretty happy. Jack doesn’t want to take that away from him.

“So you took over for Jamie, huh?” Zack asks as Jack puts the chart back and hands Martin his cup of pills. “She was nice. But you seem pretty cool, too.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Jack laughs, heading over to Alex’s side of the room. He stands in Alex’s view of the TV purposely, taking his time filling out the chart.

“Your huge head is in the way, you moron,” Alex spits, leaning to the left to try and see around him. “How are you even in college? You’re so inept-”

“Hey look at this,” Jack interrupts, looking up from the charts and giving Alex his best smile. “You have therapy today.”

Alex slumps back against the bed. “I’m aware.”

“You sound so thrilled,” Jack says, hearing Zack snickering behind him. Clearly Zack isn’t an Alex fan either. “So why don’t you actually get dressed into some clothes and start getting ready so I can take you down there, huh?”

He’s treating Alex like he’s five. He wonders if maybe this new method will make Alex shut the fuck up for longer than thirty seconds. But Alex sighs dramatically and gets out of the bed. This is the first time in days that Jack has seen him on his feet and it’s actually a little bit upsetting actually seeing how thin he is.

Alex glares at Jack while he’s digging through his dresser drawers for some new clothes. He doesn’t have very many – only enough to take up the top two drawers – but he takes his sweet time before finally picking a pair of blue sweatpants and a gray t-shirt and stomping off into the adjoined bathroom, glaring at Jack all the way.

“He’s a piece of work,” Zack says once the door closes, “I don’t know how you guys deal with him on a daily basis.”

“He isn’t that bad,” Martin shrugs, swallowing the last pill, “He’s nice sometimes.”

“His favorite word is ‘moron’, babe. The only time he was ever nice to you was when I brought you a bag of M&Ms and he asked for some.”

“No, there have been other times. You just weren’t around for them.”

Zack doesn’t look convinced, and Jack isn’t either. Alex being nice is just too foreign a concept for them to comprehend.

“Okay let’s go,” Alex says once he opens the bathroom door. He rolls his dirty clothes into a ball and throws them onto his bed. Jack hopes they eventually make it into his laundry basket in time for laundry on Wednesday. He glares at Zack, who’s trying and failing to hide his amused smile. “Unless the two of you want to escort me there as well?”

“Definitely not,” Zack responds, standing up and pulling the curtain around Martin’s bed so they’re out of sight.

Jack sighs. “Let’s get moving before you’re late and make a bad impression.”

“I’m going to make a bad impression just by showing up with you.”

“Has anyone ever told you how unpleasant you are?” Jack questions, pulling open the door and waiting for Alex to step out into the hallway.

Alex walks out and starts heading down the hallway before Jack can even close the door. “Me? Unpleasant? Of course they have, you moron.”

Jack kind of has to give him that one. It was a pretty dumb question to ask, after all.



Apparently, Alex’s therapist isn’t provided by the hospital. Well, the first two were. But they were both equally ineffective and Alex’s parents took it upon themselves to hire an outside therapist – one who was highly recommended, supposedly. She comes every Monday at eleven and stays for forty-five minutes and according to the nurses at the front desk, she’s just as useless as the hospital-provided therapists. She just costs Alex’s parents a hell of a lot more.

“He comes out of that office just as angry, if not angrier, than he was before he went in. That’s impressive. She should win an award for that,” the head doctor of Jack’s shifts tells him as he’s filling out some papers at the desk. “And I mean, don’t get me wrong. Alexander is an absolute nightmare. But this lady…I don’t know. She’s just not doing him any good.”

Gabe Saporta is well-respected on Jack’s floor and Jack has learned a lot from him. Jack was hoping when he started the new semester that he’d be assigned a new supervisor and it would be Gabe. But he still got stuck with Ashley.

“Do Alex’s parents know any of that?” Jack questions, leaning against the front desk counter.

“His parents are off in Miami, or something like that,” Gabe tells him. “They call me every other week to check in. Sometimes more often, depending on cell service I guess. They don’t visit, either. If you ask me, they’re dead-set on focusing on their other kids and forgetting Alex even exists.”

Jack frowns. “He has siblings?”

“His parents listed that he has two. Never met them, and the kid’s definitely never mentioned them.”

Gabe goes back to his paperwork (aka flirting with the nurse behind the desk) and Jack sighs. He kind of figured that Alex’s parents weren’t exactly in the picture. But assuming it and having it confirmed are two different things. It kind of changes his perspective a little bit. Sure, Alex is an asshole. But he’s an asshole whose parents abandoned him. That has to give him a little bit of an excuse, right?

“Be prepared, Jack,” Gabe warns him a few moments later, snapping his folder shut and putting his pen back in the front pocket of his shirt. “He’s going to be more miserable than usual when he comes out of that office. I’d advise no eye contact and as little communication as possible for the next hour or two. You know what – you’re probably better off not trying to speak to him until you come in again tomorrow morning.”

“Got it,” Jack nods, “Thanks.”

Gabe leaves, but Jack stays put. Alex still has another twenty minutes with his therapist, and he really doesn’t need to have Jack waiting to walk him back. So Jack should probably just go and check in on Martin again and maybe stop by Isabelle and Sophia’s room to see how they’re doing and if they’re getting out of here any time soon. But part of him wants to stay and be there for Alex when he gets out of his session. Call him suicidal but he kind of wants to see how Alex reacts.

Instead, Jack ends up clocking out early. Ashley found him by the front desk, found out that Alex had therapy and let him go. Jack’s not that stupid to decline being let go an hour before he normally would be, despite how badly he wanted to see Alex. He figures this is a good thing – now he won’t be in Alex’s direct line of fire and won’t be insulted until tomorrow. And, he can get to class even earlier than usual. So why does he feel so disappointed?

He vents about it after class. He goes out with his friends for dinner at nine and after one drink, they have him spilling everything. And while yes, they’re great friends and very supportive of everything Jack does and are always there to help him out, that doesn’t mean they’re not going to laugh at Jack’s misfortune.

“So basically,” Matt Flyzik starts, sipping his beer before looking back at Jack, eyebrows raised in amusement, “You are being verbally abused by a seventeen year old boy?”

Jack sighs. “Yeah. Basically.”

Tay Jardine is sitting across from Jack and she smiles sympathetically. “I hear about these things all the time in my psychology classes,” she says, “I mean, kids who are in the hospital need a lot of attention and reassurance. If he’s not getting either of them from his own parents, I think naturally he’s going to be a bit of an asshole.”

“Well I just wish he wouldn’t be so rude all the time. I mean, doesn’t he get tired of it? Literally every single word he says to me is something obnoxious.”

Matt is grinning, clearly so amused by the entire situation. “You’re being bullied by a teenager, Jack. I just think that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. And I teach teenagers.”

“Oh shut up, Matthew,” Tay snaps, punching Matt in the arm. “Leave Jack alone. Jack, I think you need to reach out to Alex. It’s obvious that he’s lonely. Just be as nice as you can and maybe he’ll think twice about insulting you next time?”

Jack shakes his head. “I doubt that. But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.”



He tries for two weeks. The days get colder and colder and finally, it’s November 1st and Halloween is over. He’s been as nice as he possibly can be to Alex, with no change in attitude. He doesn’t really mind anymore. He’s kind of used to his angry and rude attitude by now.

Yesterday was the Halloween party at the hospital. It was a Thursday night and normally, Jack would have been at a Halloween party with his friends, getting drunk and (hopefully) hooking up with someone. But instead he got asked to do the night shift and was forced to help supervise the “party” as well as keep an eye on Martin and Alex.

The party was aimed more towards the younger kids in the hospital. He doesn’t really blame Martin for looking bored out of his mind and Alex for being extra horrible. There was a lot of candy (but only things without nuts because of peanut allergies) and a cake and the little kids were all dressed up in costumes their parents brought them. But Alex and Martin just sat and watched TV together and ate the Skittles Zack had brought by earlier, which is no different from what they do in their hospital room. At least they were actually in a different room this time, Jack guesses.

Jack has the night shift again today. Normally on Friday’s he wakes up early, works the morning shift and then goes home and sleeps before going out with his friends. But Ashley said they needed someone to cover tonight and Jack figured why not - maybe she’ll actually act like she likes him after this is over. It’s a nice thought, but Jack knows it’ll probably never happen. She’s just going to be completely indifferent towards him for the rest of his career here.

“Fuck.”

Alex’s occasional outbursts aren’t enough to distract Jack from taking down the fall themed decorations on their door. He’s playing some game on his cell phone that’s obviously not going well and Jack hears him sigh dramatically as he pulls the festive orange lights from around the small window in the door. Martin is with Gabe having some exam done and he’s been gone for longer than an hour, so he should be back sometime soon. It’s a little awkward listening to Alex curse at his phone without having Martin to at least laugh at him with.

“Piece of shit,” is Alex’s latest outburst, followed quickly by the sound of his phone smashing into the floor. “Oops.”

“Better hope it’s not broken,” Jack mumbles, moving away from the door, which is now completely void of any decorations. It looks a bit depressing. He should probably put the winter ones up as soon as possible.

“Shut up, asshole. Why don’t you go do something useful like check my blood pressure or my heart rate and report back to Gabe, huh? I’m sick of your face.”

“Yours isn’t all that pleasant either,” Jack responds, moving over to the window to take down the little window decorations stuck to the glass as Alex pulls out the box of checkers from underneath his bed. He spreads it out on the sheets, setting both sides up, and then proceeds to play by himself.

“You’re jealous of how hot I am,” is his response.

And that’s when Martin comes in. His face is void of any emotion, but his eyes are red and he doesn’t speak a single word. He just climbs into bed and pulls the curtain around him, blocking out both Jack and Alex. Gabe is in the doorway and he catches Jack eye and gives him a slight nod.

“In about an hour, can you come to my office?” he asks, and Jack already knows he’s only going to give him bad news. Martin’s bad news.

“Sure. I’ll be there,” Jack nods, trying not to let his concern overwhelm him. He can’t look nervous in front of Alex.

However, Alex seems to catch on to the seriousness of the situation immediately. He looks over at Martin’s bed with a frown and then sighs sadly before going back to his checkers game. Jack makes a quick decision. He sits down at the edge of Alex’s bed and joins in on his game without a single word. And Alex just watches him for a few minutes through narrow eyes before calling him a moron and taking his turn.



Jack wins three games in a row, and needless to say Alex hates it. Jack thought about just letting him win and not pissing him off, but what would the point of that be? He wants to break through to Alex and treating him like a bomb that can go off with just one wrong look is not the way to go about it (despite the fact that’s the only accurate way to describe him).

“You’re cheating,” Ale declares as he leans across the checkerboard and kings yet another one of Jack’s pieces. “This isn’t fair.”

“I’m not cheating, I’m just better than you are. I know that’s hard to understand.”

“I play every fucking day, moron. How are you beating me?”

Jack rolls his eyes. “And when was the last time you played a human being?”

“I-…Um.” Alex furrows his eyebrows and adjusts the beanie he’s currently wearing. Jack has never seen him without it, now that he thinks about it. “Fine. But still. This is stupid. I don’t want to play anymore.”

“Don’t be a sore loser!” Jack teases, grabbing Alex’s wrist before he can get up from the bed. “Finish the game, dude, or I’ll never let you live it down.”

The seventeen year old glares at Jack – and it’s one of his best, Jack can’t even lie – and for a moment, Jack thinks he’s going to hit him. He looks down at his fingers around Alex’s thin wrist and he thinks that maybe that was a poor decision on his part. So he lets him go, mumbles a quick ‘sorry’ just as the hospital room door opens.

There’s only about an hour left of visiting time, and Jack wasn’t expecting him to show, but Zack wanders in quietly, noticing his boyfriend has isolated himself. He closes the door as quietly as possible before glancing from the curtain over to Jack and Alex, obviously unaware of the tension between them. “Are you two bonding?” he asks, grinning and putting his backpack down on the table by the door. Jack knows he comes from school every day if he can manage, and he does his homework while he talks to Martin about how his day went. “Totally wasn’t expecting you two to be sitting so close to each other.”

“Jack’s a cheater and is taking advantage of a poor sickly teenager,” Alex spits, pushing the board away from him and picking up the remote for the TV.

Jack sighs. There goes Alex reverting back to his usual intolerable self. “I think Martin’s sleeping,” he tells Zack, watching as he pulls out his math textbook.

“That’s fine. I figured when I saw the curtain shut that he would be. He had some tests done today, right?”

“Yeah…I don’t know how they went, though,” Jack lies. He feels bad but he can’t bring himself to say what he really knows. “I’m sure he’ll wake up in time for dinner and he can tell you.”

Zack nods, but he doesn’t look convinced. “Sure. And if he doesn’t I can always come back while his parents are here tomorrow and get the info from them.”

And while that’s true, Jack isn’t entirely sure that once Martin’s family hears how his tests went, they’re not going to be in the mood to explain very much. They come around three times a week and usually one day during the weekend to visit him and bring him new clothes and junk food that the hospital doesn’t have and to check in with Martin’s doctors. They’re pretty friendly people and they always, without fail, ask to meet Martin’s roommate. But Alex is never around when they stop by. Jack usually finds him in the community room tormenting someone about getting him weed.

Jack cleans up the checkers game by himself. He puts all the pieces back into the box, making as much noise as possible and earning plenty of insults from Alex in the process. By the time he gets to Gabe’s office all the way across the building, Jack regrets signing up for this night shift and just wants to go home and drink the red wine his mom sent him from her weekend at the vineyards and pass out in front of his TV. Instead, he gets to hear a report about how badly one of his patients is doing and then go hang out with an angry, angsty teenager. He’s not sure how he let his Friday nights get like this.

“Bad news,” Gabe tells him when he opens his office door. He ushers Jack into a seat in front of his desk, which is piled high with papers and notebooks and files, and drops a thick folder into his lap. “Read.”

And Jack reads. All he has to do is open the folder and read the information on the first page to know that this is Martin’s folder. It doesn’t surprise Jack that there’s so much in it. He’s probably had so many tests done and so many failed treatments. He’s thankful that the results from the most recent one are right there in the front so he doesn’t have to go looking.

‘GVHD’ is the first thing on the page that stands out to him. “Shit,” he mumbles, moving the page loser to his face to read it a little better. He knows the abbreviation by heart by now. It’s the one thing you really don’t want to hear while getting treatment. The donated cells get confused and think the rest of your body is foreign and attack it. “Is it chronic?”

“The ‘graft versus host disease’?” Gabe clarifies, nodding as he pushes papers around on his desk into new piles. “Of course it’s chronic. The kid has no luck. Don’t bother reading the rest. It’ll just depress you even more than you already are.” He leans over the desk and takes the folder back, closing it and dropping it in the piles in front of him. “I talked to Ashley about this already and she was going to be the one to fill you and the other nurses in, but then she got called to the OR so I have to do it. Martin’s tests came back today. The bone marrow transplant he got in August is turning out to be a failure. It’s not doing its job.”

Jack’s heart drops to his stomach. He knew the news would be bad but he didn’t think that bad. GVHD can be treated. In fact, it can usually work to the patient’s advantage. But if the bone marrow just isn’t doing the job it was meant to do then there’s not much more they can do about it. “Can he get another transplant? He has to. This could be a one-off thing-”

“This already is his second transplant. He’s done it all, Jack. I just…I feel awful. I don’t want to be the one telling this kids parents that their son is dying and I have nothing more to do for him. I could put him back on chemotherapy, but it didn’t work the first time and it affected him really badly. I would hate putting him through it again just to have it fail.”

Jack doesn’t really know what else to suggest. He feels like he’s failing Martin by not having any more ideas or ways to save him. But he’s only a nursing student. There’s only so much information he has stored away. He’s not even finished with school. Besides, if Gabe or Ashley or any other doctor can’t think of something else, Jack wouldn’t be able to either.

“They came here for help and I couldn’t even find something to at least help a little. I couldn’t even get him an extra year or two.”

“Gabe…this isn’t your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. You tried,” Jack tries to reason, but even he feels partially to blame for this. And he’s not even a doctor. He can’t even imagine what must be going through Gabe’s head right now. “Nobody is going to hold you accountable for this. They’d be crazy to.”

“I know, I know,” Gabe waves him off, pulling new files out of bins behind his desk. He looks so distressed and Jack has never seen him as anything other than calm and collected. “Oh. And I got Gaskarth’s tests back too. From like, over a week ago. There’s a slight decrease in the number of cancer cells. You can check out the results if you want but it’s nothing too in-depth. I’ll be sure to meet with him sometime later today.”

Of course Alex is improving. Jack is definitely glad to hear it but for some reason, it doesn’t quite make him feel any better about the other news he’s already received. “Do you think they need me downstairs in maternity?” he asks, knowing there’s no way he can go back to Alex and Martin’s room right now.

Gabe nods immediately. “Good idea. I’ll call down there and see what you can do. We probably should be sending you down there more often, actually. You need the experience. Maybe next week you can go to NICU or PICU. And it’s been a while since you’ve observed in the OR so maybe we can get that in next week…”

Gabe is rambling as he dials the extension for the desk down in the maternity ward. Jack finds himself just tuning him out. He’s not in the mood for conversation or thinking about what he’s supposed to be doing next week. He needs to clear his head for a little while – a half an hour at most – before going back and facing Martin and Alex with the new knowledge of their test results. He realizes how weak he’s being and that if he wants to be a nurse, he’s going to have to get his shit together and suck it up. But he doesn’t care right now.

He ends up in the maternity ward for an hour and a half. They have him assisting in routine checkups and distributing medications and delivering dinner to about twenty different rooms. He’s been assigned here a few times before and usually all the moms hit on him and it’s weird because oh, hey, you just had a baby with your husband. But he won’t lie – the attention is flattering, despite the fact that they’re totally not his type in the slightest.

By the time he makes it back upstairs to check in on Alex and Martin before leaving for the night, it’s half past seven and Jack is completely drained. He takes his time picking up his schedule for next week – it’s always the same, he has no idea why they bother wasting paper – and walking down the hall to 122B. Sierra must have put up new door decorations while Jack was recovering from his emotional distress, because now there are two happy looking snowmen on the door with both patient’s names on them, as well as a few snowflakes to make it look more welcoming. Might as well make the outside nice and cheerful, because the inside is anything but that.

Unfortunately, Alex is awake and alert when Jack opens the door. He has his headphones in and his iPod in his hands, leaning back against his pillows. He gives Jack a nasty glare when he notices him and gestures towards Martin’s side of the room, where Martin is sleeping and Zack is still sitting in the chair beside his bed. Visiting hours ended over an hour ago. Now Jack’s going to have to kick his dying patient’s boyfriend out and he’s going to feel like the world’s biggest jackass. Maybe he can just pretend he didn’t see him and let the overnight nurses deal with it. And to make it worse, upon further investigation Jack discovers that Zack is actually sleeping upright in the chair, feet up on Martin’s bed.

“Do something useful and kick him out,” Alex demands from his bed, tugging one earbud out of his ear. “He’s been asleep there for like an hour. Not that you’d know. Because you went and disappeared for two hours. What were you doing? I bet drugs.”

“Aww, Alex. Did you miss me? Is that why you’re so upset?” Jack teases, slightly amused by the way Alex is clearly so upset by his MIA status. He ignores the eye roll he receives in return and instead gently shakes Zack’s shoulder, stirring him from his sleep.

He jumps in the chair when he registers that Jack is shaking him, blinking at him with a confused expression. “What’s going on?” he asks, sitting up and moving his feet so they’re flat on the floor. “What time is it?”

“Eight-thirty. Get the fuck out of the room,” Alex snaps.

Zack is a pro at ignoring Alex by now. “Shit, man, I must have fallen asleep,” he says, bending down and grabbing the backpack resting by his feet.

Alex scoffs. “Clearly.”

“Sorry, Alex. I’ll leave so you can get your beauty sleep. God knows you need it,” Zack says, nodding in his direction and giving Jack a small smile. “See you on Monday, Jack. Have a nice weekend.”

He slips out the door with his backpack and one the door clicks shut behind him, Jack glares at Alex. “You know that ninety percent of the time, you sound like a bratty teenage girl?”

“I would say it’s more like ninety-five percent of the time.”

Jack sighs and double checks the monitors by Martin’s bed, making sure they’re still set up the same way as when he checked this afternoon. He checks on the IV needle in his arm, noting how bruised the area looks and making a note on his charts for someone to switch arms tomorrow. He does the same for Alex, having to actually force him to turn his arm over so Jack can check the needle. He’s so stubborn and irritating that Jack almost doesn’t write a note to switch arms. But that would be cruel and unprofessional of him.

“You’ve been my patients for almost three weeks now,” Jack says, pulling the curtain across the windows to block out the light coming in from outside. “And at least I can sit and have a conversation with Martin. But I can’t even sit with you for longer than ten minutes without you being rude and obnoxious. My supervisors like to see that I’ve built trusting relationships with my patients-”

“Maybe I just don’t want to trust you. Has that ever occurred to you?”

Of course it has, and Jack wants to tell him that. He knows Alex doesn’t have a trusting bone in his body, and for good reason, apparently. But he shakes his head and leaves without giving a response. Sometimes it’s best to let Alex have the last words.



Group therapy, despite being known to be a successful recovery technique, is a new thing at this hospital. At least, as long as Jack has been here. Jack finds this out when he reads Martin and Alex the note that was left on both of their files this morning.

“Is that a fuckin’ joke?” Alex laughs, and it’s the first laugh that Jack has witness where it hasn’t been at either his or Martin’s expense. “Group therapy?”

Alex looks good this morning. His eyes are bright and alert and he seems so much healthier than he has in a while. It’s nice to see patients getting better right in front of you. Jack just wishes he could say the same thing about Martin. But the younger boy is the same, if not even a little bit worse, than the day Jack started working with them. Jack isn’t sure if anyone aside from his parents know about his test results, but judging by the way Zack still comes around acting happy and carefree and as if Martin will be going home soon, he’s going to say no.

“You’ve never had group therapy before?” Jack questions as he throws open the curtains over the windows, watching as Alex’s bed is flooded in sunlight. “It’s a pretty common thing…”

“Not here,” Martin tells him, swallowing the two pills Jack gave him with his water. They’ve cut his meds down considerably since his results came back and his parents met with Gabe. Jack’s not sure what they’ve decided to do, but he’s guessing there isn’t much they even can. “We’ve never had it since I came here a year ago, and even a while before that I think.”

“Weird. Better late than never, huh?”

“I’d rather drink a gallon of anti-freeze,” Alex chirps, pulling his t-shirt off over his head and getting up from his bed. He’s weirdly happy today. It’s unsettling. “What time?”

“It says ten-”

“Cool.”

Jack has no idea what’s gotten into Alex – barely twenty-four hours ago he was pissed off and telling Jack he was going to make a direct complaint to Ashley about how Jack ‘has no compassion or sympathy and is not fit to be his caretaker’. Now, he’s barely giving him a second glance and hasn’t insulted Jack once. Jack’s been in the room for a full two minutes now – normally, his ego would have been bruised at least a little. That’s not to say that Jack is getting ahead of himself. It’s still early – Alex has plenty of time to make up for it. But still, Jack can’t help but acknowledge it.

“He said good morning to me,” Martin whispers after Alex locks himself in their bathroom, “I’m worried.”

Jack laughs and plucks Alex’s chart out of its spot at the end of his bed. “Maybe the Holy Spirit visited him in his sleep and he’s had a complete change of heart. Maybe we’ll actually get treated like human beings.”

“I think I’d miss the douche bag Alex a little bit after a while,” the sixteen year old admits with a shy smile, “He’s not always a total asshole. Not to me at least”

Jack shrugs. He has always suspected that there was something a little more than just simply roommates between Alex and Martin. There have been a lot of instances where Jack has thought Alex acted a little bit protective over the younger boy but he could have easily imagined it (and often convinced himself that he did, considering Alex’s asshole tendencies) but now he’s starting to think that he’s right. They are kind of friends. At least, as close to ‘friends’ as Alex will allow.

The purpose of the group therapy is revealed to Jack at his weekly meeting with Ashley in her office. She’s going over all of the notes that the head nurses’ on Jack’s shifts have left and she’s wearing that same emotionless look and Jack just wants to get up and start reading the notes himself because that’s the only way he’s going to get any info, apparently.

“They only have good things to say, as always,” She finally says after a few more moments of silence. She flips Jack’s file closed after signing her name on the sheet of paper. “I’ll mail the last few weekly reports to your school, as usual. Do you have any questions for me?”

If he had any questions, he’d ask Gabe, not her. “No, I’m good.”

“Okay. Group therapy for the teenagers on your floor starts soon. I’m sure Alex has had quite a bit to say about that?”

“No, not really. He’s been weirdly happy all morning so…”

“Maybe he’s possessed,” she says calmly, as if that’s just a totally normal thing to say about anyone. “He’s the main reason we’ve decided to start group therapy back up again. His personal therapist is clearly not working and Gabe and I thought we should try something new. He’s been a patient here for four months and he has no friends. He’s hostile and rude and his parents don’t seem to care so we figured we might as well just try and do things our way.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Jack agrees, “It might work.”

“Well let’s hope so. Otherwise we’re just going to have to continue with his treatment while dealing with his insults. He’ll be out of here in a few months, judging by how well his most recent treatments are going. Hopefully this hospital stay will be the last.”

Jack knows that either way, if Alex does get sick again after this he won’t be coming back here. His birthday is in December, and he’ll be turning eighteen. Once he’s discharged, he won’t be qualified to be admitted again.

The therapy session has already started by the time Jack gets back downstairs. He finds Gabe and Sierra hanging outside the doors of the community room, Sierra pinning up the pictures of turkeys that the younger kids have colored in and Gabe peaking in through the windows on the doors.

“Are you spying?” Jack asks, taking half of the stack of pictures from Sierra and helping himself to a tray of thumb tacks.

Gabe nods, “Of course I am. This dude is supposed to be one of the best – I told him to focus on Gaskarth. I’m trying to judge how the session is going based on his reactions. So far, he’s just sitting there.”

“He’s in a good mood today,” Jack tells him as he pins up a pink turkey with a princess crown.

“He’s faking it. There’s no such thing as a good mood for him.”

He’s probably right, but Jack will believe it’s real until proven otherwise. He likes to think that sometimes Alex is actually a normal human being.

“If this session goes well, do you think you’ll make them a weekly thing?” Sierra asks.

Gabe pulls away from the window and shrugs. “If they’re even the slightest bit successful, I’ll make them a daily thing. I may complain about Gaskarth a lot and act like he’s a lost cause but I don’t really believe that. I want to help him so if this proves to be something that could work? I’m going to run with it until I can’t anymore. Then I’ll try something else. His parents might have given up on him a long time ago but I’m not about to.”

“Maybe someone should tell him that sometime.”

Jack thinks maybe that’s not a bad idea.



He figures out that Alex’s ‘happy and carefree’ attitude is a total act right after the group therapy session is dismissed. He’s at the nurses’ front desk, filling out some papers when the doors to the community room open up and the first one out is Alex, eyebrows furrowed and mouth set in his usual angry frown as he storms down the hallway towards his room. Typical.

“That’s promising,” he mumbles, gathering up his papers and getting ready to follow the angry teen down the hall but he’s stopped by a hand on his shoulder and Gabe asking him to wait.

When he turns back, Gabe is standing behind him with the therapist, a tall, thin guy with thick black framed glasses and brown hair that’s in need of being cut. “This is John O’Callaghan, Jack,” Gabe introduces, and Jack reaches out to shake the therapist’s hand. “He asked me which nurses spent the most time with Alex and the first person that came to mind was you.”

“Oh…well yeah. I guess I kind of do. I spend the mornings and a little bit of the afternoons with him and his roommate.”

“I was hoping I could talk to you about him, if you have some time?” John asks.

This is the first time any therapist has ever wanted to talk to Jack about anything. He shrugs. “I guess. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to help you though.”



Turns out, John is able to help him more than Jack can help John.

“What I basically need you to do is just…try and get on his good side. And believe me, I know that seems impossible. I’ve dealt with plenty of kids like Alex. But I think you can handle it. But first, I need you to convince Alex to meet with me for a quick session. Twenty minutes, at most.”

“You want me to go back to the room and convince him to go back to therapy?” Jack can’t help but laugh. “That’s a bit much.”

“I know. But Gabe briefed me on his personality and how…intolerable he normally is. His good mood during the group session was likely just a front to throw me off and make me think he’s fine. Having a couple of minutes to pick his brain and get to know him will really help me figure out what direction we should take with him.”

It sounds nice, in theory. Jack knows it’s going to be impossible to get Alex to go back to therapy after just sitting through an hour of it. “I can try, but I can’t promise anything. I feel like Gabe should do it. He’d listen to him over me.”

“Tell him I’ll get Ashley to give him permission to get McDonald’s one night this week. He’s been asking for weeks. That’ll get him to agree,” Gabe tells him, and Jack finds that hard to believe.

“I doubt food is going to convince him. But I’ll try.”



Food does convince him, and Jack’s not sure why it surprised him at all. Alex is a teenage boy stuck in a children’s hospital eating the same bland food day after day. He has no visitors bringing him candy or other junk food, so the promise of fast food has him bolting out of bed and pulling his jeans back on before Jack can even finish explaining what’s going on.

“Twenty minutes?” Alex asks, buttoning his jeans, “That’s doable. And you swear you aren’t lying to me?”

“About what? The time or the food?”

“The food. Both. I don’t know. You’re an asshole so you could be lying just to get me to go. Wouldn’t be a surprise.”

The first insult of the day is slipped in without Jack even really noticing. He’s too busy focusing on the fact that food gets Alex to do whatever he wants. “I’m not lying about either. Gabe told me you’ve been asking for McDonald’s for weeks so-”

Alex snorts, “I have been. God forbid someone here actually gets me something I want.”

“It’s a hospital, Alex. It’s not their fault if the two main things you ask for are weed and fast food.”



“Alex is going to be pissed when he sees us using this,” Martin tells Jack, reaching out and moving one of the black checker pieces. “Especially considering he’s going to be pissed already thanks to being grilled by a therapist one-on-one.”

Jack shrugs it off. “Whatever. I’ll tell him it was my idea. He could use a lesson or two in sharing, anyway.”

“His good mood this morning was too good to be true.”

“He’s a good faker. He had everyone believing it. But - don’t get me wrong, he’s an asshole – I think there’s a good reason for his attitude. Hopefully that new therapist can break him open.”

“I like John,” Martin agrees, leaning back in his bed. He’s a lot weaker today than usual, Jack notices, and he’s losing energy a lot quicker than he should be. His health is going downhill faster than Jack can keep up with.

“He seems competent enough. He’s easy on the eyes, too,” Jack says, and he doesn’t even realize what he’s said until he feels Martin’s eyes on him. Right. You probably aren’t supposed to tell your patients you’re gay, are you? “You can just pretend I didn’t say that.”

Martin smiles and sits back up again, finding the energy to lean forward and move another piece. “Not like I’m going to tell anyone. I’ll keep your secret as long as you don’t tell my boyfriend I agree with you - on the whole ‘John’s easy on the eyes’ thing. He looked like a hot doctor in those glasses.”

Jack hasn’t felt particularly close to Martin since he started working with him, but he’s definitely felt closer to him than Alex. He’s easy to talk to and very easy going. Jack had been hoping that he’d be able to build a decent nurse-patient relationship with him eventually. He’s not sure if talking about hot therapists is exactly appropriate but whatever.

“Don’t you go swooning over sexy therapists when you’ve got yourself an awesome boyfriend who practically worships the ground you walk on,” Jack teases, reaching out and taking one Martin’s pieces as he jumps it. “Where’s he been, anyway? It’s been a few days since I’ve seen him.”

“He’s got midterms at school. And trust me, I’m aware of how great he is, you don’t need to tell me.”

“How long have you been together?”

Martin sighs. “Officially, nine months. But we’ve been best friends since I was in fourth grade and we got really close when I was a freshman, right before I was diagnosed and was admitted here. But the official date is February 6th. He brought me flowers and everything.”

“If Alex was your roommate then, I bet he’d have had a lot to say about that.”

“Thankfully I didn’t even have a roommate back then. It was a lot more peaceful until Alex came around in July. But sometimes it’s nice having someone in the room, despite how miserable he is.”

They play the game for another ten minutes in silence, and as every minute passes that Alex doesn’t return to the room, Jack takes as a good sign. That means he’s still with John and it must be going well. Hopefully John gets enough information to help him figure out what to do with him.

“If you were in my position,” Martin starts as Jack starts putting the checkers back into the box, “And you had to tell your boyfriend that you’re dying…how would you do it?”

Jack’s in the process of returning the checkers box to underneath Alex’s bed when Martin asks him that, and it’s a hard thing for him to comprehend. Martin is sixteen. The last thing he should be thinking about is telling his boyfriend that he’s not going to be around much longer. He should be studying for his midterms with Zack and starting to think about colleges and his future. But he’s never going to have the opportunity to do any of those things. He’s going to die here, in a matter of months, and Jack can’t find the justice in that.

Jack clears his throat and attempts to make himself seem at least a little bit put together. He doesn’t need himself looking all stressed out and upset. “I um…I don’t really know. I guess I’d want to tell him sooner rather than later, though. To avoid him getting upset.”

“He’s going to be upset either way.”

“That’s true. But I think if I were him, I’d want to know as soon as you found out. I don’t think he’d want you suffering through this on your own.”



Jack hates sitting through meetings. He knows they’re just a part of the job and they’re supposed to help everyone involved understand what’s going on, but he hates them. He hates sitting still and he hates listening to the doctor’s talk about how sick some of the patients are and it’s just hard to keep it up day after day. This meeting about Alex is no different. Jack wants to go home and open a bottle of wine and watch shitty Lifetime movies until Monday with Matt and Tay.

“Do we even know when the last time Alexander’s parents visited him?” Ashley questions, leafing through the pages in the file on her desk. Her office isn’t the biggest, and now with her, Gabe, John, Jack and Jess, Alex’s night shift nurse, it’s a bit of a squeeze. Jack’s chair is practically on top of Jess’ and he barely knows her so this is just getting more and more uncomfortable as the minutes pass.

“They haven’t,” Gabe tells her, “Not during this hospital stay at least. He was admitted at the end of July and his parents were with him then, obviously, but since then the only person to visit him was some girl in August who, according to her, was his girlfriend. I’m almost positive she didn’t leave as his girlfriend, though. She hasn’t been back since.”

John is sitting in front of Ashley’s desk, using it as a surface to write down what Gabe is saying. “That supports my theory, really,” he says, leaning over the desk as he writes. His glasses are falling down his nose but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“And that theory is?” Jess questions, leaning to the left and Jack suspects she’s doing that because she thinks he is way too close to her. He doesn’t blame her.

“Just from the short half hour I spent with him one-on-one, I think it’s safe to say that Alex has some severe abandonment issues,” the therapist explains, sitting up straight and finally adjusting his glasses. “He had very little to say about his parents, but from what he did say, I gathered that they aren’t winning ‘parent of the year’ awards any time soon. He has two older brothers, according to what he told me.”

“That’s true,” Gabe agrees, “They’re listed in his files. Never met them, though. Not even any of the other times Alex has been admitted.”

“Well he spoke about them as if they were just distant relatives he saw only on major holidays. I wouldn’t be surprised if their abandonment of Alex has anything to do with the parents.”

Jack’s sympathy for Alex is only growing as the conversation continues, discussing the teenager’s fear of abandonment and how he isolates himself so he never has to go through it again. Jack can’t imagine not having his parents support in every day normal things, let alone their support in him recovering from a major illness like Alex. And if his siblings ever just gave up on him…He won’t lie. He’d probably end up like Alex too.

“I’m gonna need your help too, Jack,” John says after fifteen minutes have passed of him talking medications with Ashley and Gabe. “You spend a lot of time around him, Monday through Friday. And from what I understand from the records, his nursing has been pretty inconsistent. Is that right?”

“They all quit a couple of months into it,” Gabe confirms, “Which kinda sucks, because I can only imagine that that added to the problem. But he kind of drives them away.”

John nods, “So Jack, under no circumstances can you quit until Alex is discharged.”

“Right…” Jack’s not so sure he likes the sound of that. “What if I have to?”

“It’ll just ruin any progress we make. Your job is to try and wedge open that door that Alex keeps under lock and key. And, if you can manage it, get his roommate involved too. The goal is to get Alex to realize he doesn’t have to be alone all the time.”

“What you are asking me to do is practically impossible, do you realize that?”

John just laughs. “I’ve dealt with plenty of kids like Alex before, Jack. It’s challenging, but it’s not impossible.”



Over the weekend, Jack catches up on all of his classwork and spends some time at Tay’s apartment with Matt. They watch two whole seasons of Breaking Bad, because Tay has been dying to start watching it and, when bribed with alcohol, Jack will literally do anything. Okay, not anything, but most things.

“I don’t see how him befriending a kid with a terminal illness is going to help him get over his abandonment issues,” Matt says during a break between episode six and seven of season two. “If the kid he’s befriending is going to…you know, not be around much longer, how is that going to help?”

“Dunno. The therapist just told me it’s going to help,” Jack explains, and he won’t lie, he was wondering the same thing when he left the office on Friday. “I just do what I’m told.”

Tay comes back in from the kitchen with another bottle of cheap wine and a package of Oreos. Class. They are the picture of it. “It’s a good plan – getting Alex to open up to anybody will help him.”

“But Martin’s…well. Martin’s dying. How will it help Alex to befriend someone and then lose them?”

“He’s not losing him because Martin wants to leave him. He’s losing him because Martin has to leave him. It’s a little different. As long as Alex doesn’t take him dying as a personal offense…it should be okay.”

Jack doesn’t believe that for a second. Alex takes everything as a personal offense. “Yeah, sure. Maybe. I already told Martin the plan. He didn’t seem very excited about it.”

It’s true – Martin seemed less than enthused by the idea of being friends with Alex. He had made the same points Matt and Jack had made – that he wouldn’t even be around much longer. It was hard enough hearing Martin saying that, let alone agreeing. But Martin finally promised that he’d work on the friendship over the weekend. Hopefully it’s going well. Jack hopes Alex hasn’t tried to kill Martin or anything yet. Or vice-versa.

“I bet your supervisor will tell your nursing director about this,” Tay says as she sits back down on the couch and picks up the remote to start the next episode. “I bet she’ll be impressed. You’re doing a nice thing, Jack. Nursing students aren’t really required to do things like this.”

“Well I’m here to impress.”

Jack didn’t think about that before. The fact that the director of the nursing program at school will find out about this kind of makes him nervous. What if she expects more from him now, just because he’s taking part in this? He just wants to finish the school year and graduate like every other student in his classes. He likes being under the radar. The spotlight just doesn’t suit him at all.



First thing Monday morning, (after he wakes up, checks his emails, showers and leaves his apartment) Jack goes to the deli two blocks away from the hospital and buys Martin and Alex breakfast. He checked with Gabe the night before and Gabe assured him that a bagel wouldn’t hurt and he’d discuss with the nutritionist on adjusting the meal plan for the rest of the day to accommodate it. The second Alex’s eyes settle on the brown bag in Jack’s hands, his eyes light up, making him look like an innocent kid on Christmas. Martin is still sleeping, so Jack just walks right up to the edge of Alex’s bed and holds the bag up.

“Is that my McDonald’s?” He asks quickly, sitting up straight and adjusting the gray beanie on his head. Jack has never seen him without it once. He assumes it’s probably because his hair is still growing in since his last bout of Chemotherapy. “I haven’t had McDonalds in a decade.”

Jack forgot about that McDonald’s deal and he kind of feels slightly bad that he isn’t providing it. “Um. No. It’s a bagel. From the deli.”

“A bagel?” Alex spits, cheerfulness long gone and replaced by irritation. “Are you a moron?”

“Look, the McDonald’s thing isn’t up to me. That’s all Gabe and Ashley’s thing. Talk to them if you want McDonald’s. Do you want this bagel or not?”

Alex leans forward and rips the bag from Jack’s hands. “Of course I want it.” He pulls one of the bagels out and then tosses the remaining bagel in the bag onto the edge of Martin’s bed, hitting him in the leg and causing him to stir from his sleep. “Sorry dude,” he apologizes.

That’s definitely new. Jack doesn’t think he’s ever heard the word “sorry” come out of Alex’s mouth once since he started.

Martin doesn’t look too bothered by being woken up. He looks okay this morning – no bags under his eyes and he’s already smiling a little bit. Jack hopes this means it’s gonna be a good day.

“I brought you a bagel for breakfast,” Jack tells him when he picks up the bag Alex threw at him. “Gabe gave me the okay so don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks!”

Martin seems much more appreciative of it than Alex did, but that’s not shocking. However, Alex is already finished with one half of it and he’s about to start on the second half when he looks up at Jack and shrugs. “Thanks. I guess.” ¬

It probably wouldn’t be counted as a victory in normal situations, but Jack definitely counts this as a big one.



For Jack, November flies by. His midterms have come and gone and while he does think he did pretty well, there’s always room for a bit of improvement. He plans on finishing this semester with a 4.0 GPA. Sierra is aware of his goal and has asked him countless times who he’s trying to impress with a GPA that high (you don’t need to aim so high, Jack, you’ll be okay if it wasn’t a 4.0) and Jack has responded each time that he doesn’t need to impress anyone besides himself. His parents will be happy if he gets a 3.5. But it’s not a 4.0 and Jack is determined.

The only thing currently separating Jack from Thanksgiving break and the two papers he needs to get started on is an hour at the hospital and two hours of class. An hour doesn’t seem that bad, but for Jack, it’s going to be a nightmare. He’s been putting it off as long as he can get away with but with the break coming up, he needs to do this now. Interviewing Alex for a paper is not exactly on Jack’s list of ‘fun things to do at work’. But whatever. He’s gotta do it if he wants to impress his teacher and get a guaranteed A.

The plan is to approach the topic slowly. Jack knows that no matter how he presents it to Alex, Alex is going to be an asshole. But he’ll try his best to at least lower the level of asshole down a bit from his usual.

Luckily, Zack helps him bring the subject up on his own. He’s sitting in the chair beside Martin’s bed, typing on the laptop he brought with him while Martin’s at therapy with John. He watches Jack fumble with the wires and machines behind Martin’s bed, trying to get them back into some sort of order, and he asks, “Doing anything fun for Thanksgiving, Jack?”

“Besides eating as much as I can without puking? Nah, not really. What about you?”

“I’m sure I’ll be dragged to a relative’s house or something. I have like, four papers that I should probably get started on while I have the free time but chances are, I won’t.”

Jack laughs and steps back from the IV drip, making sure the fluid bags are attached correctly. “I have a lot of work to get done too, I feel your pain. And what about you, Alex? Think you might leave the hospital room to go eat the stove-top stuffing at the hospital party?”

Alex is grumpy today, and usually when he’s grumpy, he just mumbles and curses at everyone under his breath instead of being straight out horrible to their face. At Jack’s question, he slumps down even further in his hospital bed and pulls the hood of the sweatshirt he’s wearing over his head and glares at the TV.

“Alex, people are talking to you,” Zack says loudly, “Is your hearing aid not working today? Or is that stick still stuck up your ass?”

“That IV pole is going to be stuck up your ass in ten seconds if you don’t shut your mouth, moron,” Alex spits, not even looking over at Zack.

Jack should probably stop the argument, but Zack is smart enough to do it himself. He just rolls his eyes and reaches up to pull the curtain across so Alex’s bed is hidden from his view. He smiles knowingly at Jack before going back to whatever he’s working on on his computer. Jack sighs and steps onto the other side of the curtain to deal with his moody little patient.

“How we feeling today?” he asks, smiling down at Alex as he lifts his arm and pushes back the sleeve of his sweatshirt to get a good look at where the IV needle is. The area isn’t bruised yet so Jack figures they must have switched arms last night.

Instead of the usual smart ass remark about being ‘fucking fine, moron’, all he gets is Alex pulling his arm out of his grip and rolling over onto his side to face the window. “Go away,” he mutters.

Jack rips the curtains open and the sun shines in and floods Alex’s bed in light. He groans in irritation and curls in on himself, hiding his face in his pillow. “I’m reporting you for patient abuse. Just leave me alone.”

“No, because first of all, I’m your nurse and believe it or not, all I want to do is make sure you’re okay and comfortable. Second, I have to ask you a few questions.”

“I don’t want to answer any questions.”

Alex, curled in a ball and squinting in the sunlight, looks weak and innocent and Jack feels a rush of affection for him. He’s seventeen. He has nobody. “If you cooperate with me, not only will you help me get a decent grade on my paper, but maybe I’ll bring in a bag of those Cheetos you love so much. How about it?”

Jack feels kinda terrible for using food to bribe Alex like this but it’s been proven to work before so whatever. Besides, he’s the only one who’s even providing Alex with anything like junk food. He deserves it once in a while.

“Two bags and you have yourself a deal.”

“Okay. Deal. First thing Monday morning, you’ll be getting them.”

Alex sits up, frowning. “What about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving,” Jack reminds him, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “I took off. And Friday, too. So I’ll see you Monday.”

“Oh. Right.”

He almost sounds disappointed at that, but Jack just ignores it, eyes landing on the blanket covering Alex’s legs. He has the same, generic blue sheets and comforters that all the beds in the ward have, but this one is a darker blue and looks hand made. Jack almost asks where it’s from but he knows better by now and keeps his mouth shut about it. Instead, he tells him, “So basically, I have to write a paper for one of my classes about my experiences in my clinicals so far this semester and I have to pick a patient that I’ve been working with and kinda write about how they’ve impacted my experience and my view of being a nurse. And I picked you. If you’re okay with that.”

Alex blinks. “You picked me.”

“I did.”

“You do realize that Martin would be a much better option, don’t you?”

And Jack was expecting this. “Martin’s awesome, yes, and he’s much nicer and much more pleasant to be around, but I picked you. For some reason, you actually make me want to become a nurse even more than I did before. So. Yeah. I picked you.”

All of that’s true – he definitely finds his desire to graduate and actually get a real job and practice all that knows much greater than it was before he was assigned to Alex. At first all he wanted to do was quit and maybe just see if he can get a degree to be a vet technician. At least animals don’t insult you while you’re taking care of them. But Alex has grown on him. His insults aren’t as brutal s they used to be and Jack just guesses he’s gained a bit of an immunity towards them. Whatever it is, he wants to help Alex. He’s determined.

“So me being an asshole and insulting your intelligence and your ability to do your job only makes you want to do your job even more? What is wrong with you? You know, based on the trends, you should have quit by now. I’ve never had a nurse last longer than a month with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Alex,” Jack informs him, making sure Alex is looking at him. “You’re pretty stuck with me. At least until you’re discharged.”

“And that won’t be for another few months, so they say. So I get to see your ugly face until then. How great. Ask your questions because I’m getting bored and I’m going to go to the rec room if you’re not going to ask me.”

Jack asks his questions, writing down Alex’s responses on a spare piece of paper he stole from the front desk. They’re not groundbreaking questions – just simple, little things that Alex can answer without even having to think twice about. Jack doesn’t want to dig too deep here – he just wants to start scratching the surface. He listens to Alex talk about being diagnosed again, how despite how his attitude might express, the hospital is actually not as bad as it seems. Jack is pleased to find that when Alex gets talking in a real conversation, his defenses actually seem to come down a little bit. Definitely an observation Jack will use to his advantage sooner or later.



Jack’s mother thinks that he’s a saint. Thanksgiving dinner is the first time that Jack has seen her in a little over a month and when he finishes explaining exactly what’s going on and how school is going and that he kind of sort of has a secret mission at the hospital he’s at, she gets all teary-eyed and clasps her hands together and almost knocks over her fifth glass of wine.

“I always knew you’d be a wonderful nurse,” she gushes, and Jack blushes as everyone around the table turns and looks at him. “I told your father all the time. Didn’t I, sweetheart?”

Jack’s father sits at the opposite end of the table, in the middle of a conversation with one of Jack’s uncle’s and when he hears his wife talking to him, he looks up and nods and says, “Oh, absolutely,” and goes back to the conversation. Jack laughs – his dad has always been distracted and completely out of the loop. He cares; he’s just never paying attention to anything. He’ll sit down with Jack later, one on one after everyone’s left, and they’ll talk for hours.

“It’s not a huge deal,” Jack protests, trying to wave the attention off and onto someone else. He shouldn’t have told his mom when everyone else is here too. “We’ll see how it goes. But dude,” he turns to his cousin Mike next to him and grips his shoulder, “How’s law school treating you?”

The conversation drifts over to law school and lawyers and criminals and Jack sighs in relief and sinks back in his chair, pushing mashed potatoes around on his plate. He loves his family, but he doesn’t like when they focus on him and what’s going on in his life. He knew if the topic stayed on him, it would only be a matter of time before they started asking him about boyfriends and when he’s getting married and when his parents can expect some grandchildren. Not like he’s super busy in nursing school or anything.

Jack is eating his second slice of apple pie when his thoughts drift over to Alex and what he’s doing right now. He knows that Martin’s parents were going to be visiting and bringing him food, or something along those lines, but Alex is most definitely alone. He’s probably sitting in the rec room, watching a movie and claiming one of the armchairs in the room, surrounded by all the other kids whose parents aren’t visiting them either. The hospital probably had some sort of Thanksgiving party for them – probably with cheap stuffing and mashed potatoes and dinner rolls – but Jack hopes that maybe Alex at least stuck around to meet Martin’s parents. Maybe they’d be kind enough to invite him to spend Thanksgiving with them. Alex has his issues but he doesn’t deserve to be alone all the time.



Monday morning, Jack signs in and has his usual meeting with Ashley. It’s the same as always – she writes a few things down in his files and promises that she’ll be sending his advisor copies of everything as soon as the photocopier is fixed and that she’s sure his advisor will be very impressed by his progression and all the great things the head nurses have to say about him. Jack just nods and shrugs and blinks when necessary. And then she starts talking about Alex.

“You really are doing so well with him, Jack. I’m very impressed,” she says, giving him a small smile, and that’s only the third smile he’s seen out of her. Ever. “I had to give him an exam on Friday and take some blood for a few tests to see how everything is going and for the first time, in all the months that I’ve been his doctor, he didn’t call me a bitch once.”

Jack’s not sure why, but the fact that Alex actually speaks to her like that (or used to, anyway) shocks him. “Is that so?”

She can sense his shock, obviously, because she lets out a dry laugh and turns in her seat to put a few folders back into her filing cabinets. “Oh yeah. Alex is a total joy. You know as well as I do that your best bet is to ignore him and do whatever you’re doing with him as fast as possible and get out of there. Being called a ‘bitch’ by a seventeen year old boy isn’t as offensive the tenth time around. But no, Friday he just sat there, let me do the exam, take his blood, all without being rude. Never thought I would see the day.”

“I don’t really think that I have much to do with it.”

“Nonsense. John updates me after every therapy session he has with Alex now. Of course, he’s not allowed to tell me what they talk about but he did say that he thinks you’re a big part of why Alex is starting to become more tolerable. He’s never had the same nurse for longer than a month, Jack.”

“Alex did mention that, yeah,” Jack admits, but he doesn’t really like having the credit thrust upon him like this. What if he screws it all up? “I think it’s a combination of everything, really. I think the group therapy and the single therapy-”

“Also,” Ashley interrupts him, clearly not very interested in hearing his thoughts on the subject, “Don’t listen to him when he whines about never getting the McDonald’s he was promised. He got it two weeks ago.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“That’s all I really wanted to talk to you about I guess,” Ashley says, ending their meeting by snapping Jack’s folder shut and putting into one of the piles on her desk. “Let me know if you need anything, as always.”

She doesn’t say goodbye or dismiss him at all – she just goes back to whatever it was she was reading before Jack came in for their meeting and Jack takes that to be her way of telling him to get on with his day. He rolls his eyes and gets up from the chair, grabbing the plastic bag he brought in with him that has the two bags of Cheetos that Alex was promised, as well as something else.

Over the weekend, his mom made him clean out his old bedroom closet. Most of the stuff wasn’t worth anything and he just threw out, like ripped up t-shirts and sweatpants that are way too small for him now. But there was a brand new pair of Nike sneakers in the very back, probably from one of his past birthdays, that he never got to wear. It’s not that he goes sneaking around Alex’s shit, but Jack is almost positive that the kid only has one pair of gross old sneakers that look like they’re falling apart. Alex doesn’t put shoes on very often, considering he hardly ever even leaves his side of the room, but Jack figures it wouldn’t hurt to see if maybe Alex wants them. It could go really well, or really badly. It’ll probably go really badly.

By the time he gets to the front desk to pick up Martin and Alex’s meds, it’s a half an hour later than he’s normally there, thanks to his meeting with Ashley. Gabe is doing some photocopying behind the desk and he nods at Jack in acknowledgement. Sierra is leaning on the desk as she fills in a form, talking with the therapist John. John is blushing and stumbling over his words but Sierra seems to have no idea, and is just smiling and responding gracefully while filling the page with her perfect handwriting. Jack kind of caught on to the fact that John might like Sierra last week, when he awkwardly tried to ask her for her number and it went right over her head. Poor guy.

Martin is asleep (as usual) and Alex is watching TV (also as usual) when Jack walks into their room. He drops the plastic bag onto the table, making Alex glance over at him for a brief second before going back to the TV. He pours two glasses of water and hands one to Alex, along with his cup of pills. Alex takes it, takes a sip of water and swallows both of his pills at the same time, eyes never straying from the TV. He looks tired today. And pale. Probably because he hasn’t seen real sunlight in forever, Jack thinks. Good thing his plans for the day involve just that.

“I come with gifts,” Jack tells him, dropping the two bags onto the foot of the boy’s bed. He holds up the box of sneakers. “Also, I brought you these. See if they fit.”

He’s defensive almost instantly. Jack should really keep track of how fast he can manage to piss Alex off each day. It’s been barely a minute. He’s pretty sure that’s some kind of record. “I don’t need your fucking shoes,” Alex spits at him, “I’m not a fucking charity case.”

“Never said you were. And could you please cut back on the swearing? You’re ruining my innocence.”

“I’m not putting your shoes on.”

“They have literally never been worn. They have sat in my mother’s house for years. Your sneakers are steps away from falling apart. Put the damn shoes on and get dressed. We’re going outside today.”

Their staring contest lasts about fifteen seconds before Alex rolls his eyes and grabs the box out of Jack’s hands. “Fine, but only because you’re a moron.”

It doesn’t make any sense but whatever. Jack’s just glad he’s doing it. He sits down on Alex’s bed and watches as the seventeen year old pulls a pair of black jeans from his dresser and a white t-shirt out of his laundry basket. Jack’s pretty sure that the basket is filled with dirty laundry but okay. He’ll let it slide. Alex is actually putting on clothes that aren’t sweatpants or hoodies. Who knew he’d make such progress so early in the day?

“You have ugly taste in shoes,” Alex announces after his twenty minutes in the bathroom. Jack doesn’t know why it took him so long to change and brush his teeth. He doesn’t want to know, either. He watches as Alex shoves the clothes he slept in into the laundry basket, bending over to push everything down to make it fit better. Jack blinks a few times more than necessary. Alex is wearing jeans. Jeans are tighter than sweatpants. Alex has a nice ass. Alex is underage. Jack needs to get his head checked.

“Why exactly are we going outside?” Alex asks as they walk down the hall together. “Are you going to kill me?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jack nods as they pass the nurses desk. Gabe is there, talking to someone in a suit, and he nods at Jack as he sees him walk by. “It’ll be violent, too. All over the news.”

“It wouldn’t be all over the news. Nobody would care enough to put it on the news. It’s not like there’s anybody around to miss me. If there were, I’d have visitors. But I don’t.”

He sounds so cheerful saying it, and Jack kind of wants to hug him. But he doesn’t. He’d probably get punched. “Dude, that’s so not true. People would definitely miss you and your insults. I know I would totally miss being called a moron at eight in the morning.”

“I’m sure you’d still hear it from others.”

The small courtyard is at the opposite end of the hospital. Jack’s only been out there a few times and that was back in the summer. From Jack’s observations, it really isn’t used very often – probably because of how far you have to walk through the hospital to get there and nobody wants to be bothered to make the trip. But Jack thought Alex really needs to get out and get some fresh air and John had supported the idea completely. Shockingly enough, Alex is going along with it without a complaint.

Considering it’s almost December, Jack shouldn’t be surprised that it’s so cold when he opens the door. Also, he walked from his car all the way in the back parking lot to the main entrance of the hospital so he really shouldn’t be shocked at all. But it kind of takes him off guard and he shoves his hands in the pockets of his black jacket, watching as Alex curls his arms around himself and heads straight for the bench on the opposite side near a tree.

“I’m going catch pneumonia and die out here,” Alex tells him once he gets close enough, “You moron. I thought you were supposed to be a caring, nurturing nurse.”

“That’s the plan,” Jack teases, sitting down beside him. The bench is marble and it’s fucking freezing and he’s pretty sure in a matter of minutes, his ass will be frozen. “Take you out here pretending to care about your well-being and making sure you get fresh air, but in reality I’m hoping you get sick. Clever, huh?”

“Fuck you.”

“Nah, you’re underage.”

“Only for two more weeks.”

Jack rolls his eyes. He shouldn’t have even said that. Totally unprofessional. And inappropriate. Stop, Jack. Stop it now. Before this starts getting out of hand.

Alex sighs deeply when Jack doesn’t give him a response to that. He brings his legs up so they’re crossed underneath him and he rests his head in his hands, staring at the ground covered in dirt and leaves. Jack watches him from the corner of his eye, noting how small he looks sitting like that and how cold he has to be, considering his body mass is way lower than it should be. They should probably only be out here for a few more minutes so Alex doesn’t die from hypothermia.

“So. How’s group therapy been going for you?” Jack questions, bringing the subject back to something much safer. “Still rather drink anti-freeze?”

“I’d rather drink bleach mixed with anti-freeze. It sucks. I sit there and ignore everyone and everyone ignores me back.”

Jack laughs, “Well, maybe you should try talking to some of the other kids your age. Then people would make the effort and stop ignoring you.”

"I don't blame people for not bothering," Alex shrugs, kicking at the dirt beneath his feet. The new sneakers on his feet are bright white, looking as new as they probably did when Jack first got them. Whenever that was. "I'm a dick to everyone. Why would they want to sit down and talk to me when all I'm gonna do is insult them or something?"

This is the first time since Jack met him that Alex has been so open with him. He's not looking at Jack and he is so obviously feeling self-conscious about himself and everything he's saying, but at least he feels safe enough to talk. Maybe Jack can make this a thing. Once or twice a week. He'll have to remember to suggest it to John.

"Honestly? You're not that bad," Jack tells him, "I mean sure, you're a dick. And for a while there you made me hate my job. But then I started taking you less and less seriously and eventually your insults barely even got to me. You're entertaining now."

"I'm glad I can give you some amusement, then." He reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone, passing it from one hand to the other and clicking it on and off. "Hey Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I uh...I don't know why I'm telling you this but like, thanks. For sticking with me. And Martin, too. He likes you a lot."

Jack has heard and read about nurses describing the feeling they'd get when they realized they were actually doing something good with their life, and how that moment they feel it will never leave their list of top five favorite life moments. This is most definitely that moment for Jack. It’s going to stick with him for the rest of his life, no matter what ends up happening with Alex.

He reaches out and pushes the beanie Alex is wearing over his eyes, making the boy scowl and try and shove him away. “I’m not a quitter. You guys are pretty awesome. When you’re nice and when Martin’s conscious, of course.”

“Yeah…I don’t know if you’re allowed to answer this, but I have to know. Martin’s not going to be okay, is he?”

He asks Jack that as if he and Martin are best friends, inseparable since birth. An outsider would think that was the case, what with the amount of emotion of Alex’s face and the sadness in his voice and Jack kind of can’t help but think that maybe he’s been wrong about how close Alex and Martin are. Maybe they actually have been friends. Martin never denied it. But he never said otherwise, either.

Either way, Jack has to give the kid a response. He doesn’t want to tell him the truth. He wants to lie and tell Alex that of course Martin is going to be okay. He’s going to be perfectly fine. He’s getting better just like Alex is and he’ll be out of here in no time. But that would just end up doing more damage than they can afford. Sure, Martin passing away is going to hurt Alex and make him feel abandoned once again, but it will be better if he’s prepared for it. It being sudden will only hurt him more.

“I’m allowed to answer that,” Jack tells him, hunching his shoulders as the cold starts to get the best of him. “You have the right to know and I know that John is going to want you to know anyway. I uh…no, Alex. He’s not going to be okay.”

Alex lets out the breath he’d been holding and hunches over, pressing his hands over his eyes. He stays like that for a minute, maybe a little bit longer, and Jack thinks he’s probably crying. Jack has no idea what to even say next. How do you comfort a seventeen year old like Alex?

“I’m sure that Martin suspects you already know,” he says instead, reaching out and resting his hand on Alex’s lower back. “I don’t want you to dwell on this, Alex. Don’t go making it something that it isn’t.”

He doesn’t say it, but he hopes that Alex catches on to what he means. Don’t think Martin is abandoning you on purpose. Don’t think this is Martin’s fault. Don’t think you’re not good enough for someone to stick around. But if Alex does catch on, he doesn’t let Jack know. Instead he sits up straight, wipes his eyes with the back of his hands and stands up from the bench, stretching his arms over his head.

“I’m fucking frozen,” He mumbles, kicking Jack in the shin. “Take me back inside.”

That’s the end of the nice little connection they had going on there for a while. Alex is angry again, crossing his arms over his chest defensively and leading the way back to the doors. His cheeks are pink from the cold and he looks healthier than he’s looked in a long time, so Jack is definitely going to count this as a victory.



A lot of things happen on December 1st. It snows, for starters. Jack hasn’t been keeping up with the news or the weather or anything, but he thought for sure he would have at least heard about the impending snow storm heading their way. He has a weather application on his phone but that didn’t do him much good in preparation, considering he’s probably only ever glanced at it once. So yeah. The snow covering his car at seven in the morning was definitely a shock. Not a bad one, but not a good one either. Snow is annoying to drive in. And walk through. And just annoying in general.

Also, Alex got a package from the Apple store. It’s square and the size of a notebook and when Gabe hands it to Jack to give to Alex, he looks just as confused about it as Jack feels.

“I have no idea what it is – well, aside from that it’s an Apple product, obviously – and I have no idea how he could have possibly bought something from there. It’s not like he’s got credit cards or anything. Not that I know of, anyway.”

“Maybe his parents sent it?” Jack offers, taking the box. It’s not that heavy so he’s pretty sure it isn’t a computer. “Or another family member?”

Gabe shrugs, “Maybe, yeah. We’ll see when he opens it I guess?”

“Alright well…hopefully he doesn’t throw it at me once he opens it,” Jack laughs, taking the box and putting it under his arm while reaching for the two cups of pills one of the other nurses placed on the counter in front of him. “I’ll let you know how it goes after they head over to group therapy.”

“Sure. Oh – wait. I should warn you before you go in there,” Gabe tells him, sighing as he collects a bunch of files and heads out from behind the desk. He puts a hand on Jack’s back and starts leading him down the hall.

Jack instantly knows what he’s going to tell him. He’s kind of been anticipating it for the past few days.

“Martin’s in a really bad state today,” the doctor explains to him, keeping his voice low so passing nurses don’t overhear. “He had a really bad nosebleed last night, so we’re going to give him an unscheduled platelet transfer right after therapy. He didn’t sleep much last night, according to Jess. So he’s tired and probably nervous about the fact that he has to have a transfusion before he’s scheduled to.”

“Is that something he should be nervous about?” Jack asks, knowing the answer is probably yes.

“Maybe. Probably, considering his luck. But yeah. Just letting you know. Make sure Alex isn’t too much of an asshole, maybe?”

“I’ll do my best.”

Turns out, he doesn’t even have to worry about Alex being an asshole. When he walks into their room, he’s kind of surprised to find the room brightly lit and the curtains opened and Alex sitting at the end of Martin’s bed, shuffling a deck of cards.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of you up before nine,” he observes, putting both cups of pills on Martin’s table. “What’s going on?”

“We’re playing cards, asshole,” Alex tells him, acting as though that’s a completely normal reason to be up this early. “Stop talking because you’re distracting me.”

“Oh, sorry. I guess I won’t hand over this package from the Apple store that you got in the mail, then?”

Alex drops the cards and turns towards Jack faster than Jack can even take a step backwards. “Apple store?” he asks as he pulls the box from Jack’s hands. “They’re stepping their game up man.”

Martin tries to sit up more but after a few seconds of the struggle, he gives up and just settles with watching Alex tear open the box in front of him. He’s paler than usual and his hands are shaking and Jack has really known it was only a matter of time before his health started to go really downhill.

“Who’s it from?” Martin asks, “And what even is it?”

Alex laughs as he finally gets the box open and tosses the packaging peanuts to the floor. “My parents. For my birthday.”

“Your birthday is in two weeks,” Jack points out.

“So? They never send it on my actual birthday. I’m lucky they’re early this year instead of late.”

He pulls a brand new iPad out of the box. It’s white and the box is in perfect condition and it had to have cost his parents a lot. But Jack figures they probably don’t really give a shit how much it costs them. They just care that he’s out of their hair and other people have to deal with him.

“Dude that looks pretty awesome,” Martin says, looking amazed at just the picture on the box, “I didn’t even know they came out with a new one.”

“You’ve been locked up in here way too long,” Alex tells him, handing him the box to get a good look at it. “Wait till you actually hold it.”

Jack leaves once they both take their pills to go back and report to Gabe what exactly Alex got in the mail. He’s in his office, reorganizing something on his desk and he bursts into laughter when Jack tells him it was Alex’s parents who sent it.

“They’re such jokes,” He laughs, shaking his head, “I’ve been calling them once a day for the past week to tell them how well the chemotherapy has been going for their son and they just won’t pick up. I wonder what cruise they’re on this week. Probably a Caribbean one. Gotta go somewhere warm in the winter, right?”

“He wants to know if you could give him some internet privileges at some point this week.”

“Yeah, I guess. You think he deserves it?”

Jack shrugs. “I think so. I mean, he’s been pretty nice to me lately and he and Martin are actually hanging out and playing card games together. He kinda…seems to be opening up a little bit.”

“That actually doesn’t shock me. John mentioned that they’ve been having really great progress. I swear, if he helps us fix this kid by the time we have to discharge him? I will recommend him to every single person I even come in contact with.”

"He has been pretty great," Jack agrees, wisely leaving out the fact that he's seen John and Sierra getting lunch in the cafeteria quite a few times over the past week. Sierra would murder him and Gabe would never let her live it down. "Hopefully it keeps going that well."

"Yeah, especially considering Alex could be discharged as early as February. Possibly sooner if his blood tests come back even better."

The idea of Alex being released into the real world is weird to Jack. He isn't sure he can picture it. "Well I'm gonna go drag the two of them to therapy. I'll see you later."

"Okay. Let me know if Martin doesn't think he has the energy to go. I'm not gonna force him to."

Jack's pretty positive that Martin isn't going to have the energy to go to group therapy today, but he figured he may as well ask him anyway. He kind of hopes he goes, just because he knows that Alex is less likely to go willingly if Martin isn't going.

The two of them are geeking out over Alex's new iPad when Jack gets back to them. Alex is doing something that obviously doesn't require Internet access and he's sitting on Martin's bed, right next to him on top of the sheets so Martin isn't struggling to sit up and look too.

"That's what time it is in Tokyo," Alex says and Martin shrugs.

"So?"

"It's cool."

"Sure it is."

Jack has never been very aware of their age difference before now. Sixteen and seventeen aren't very different at all. But when Martin has only recently turned sixteen and Alex is right on the edge of eighteen, it actually becomes very noticeable. Martin is so young and impressionable and hasn't been out in the real world in a year, while Alex is practically an adult and has only been isolated in here for the past few months. It's strange watching them interact and watching Alex kind of act like an older brother for Martin. Jack hopes this lasts. It'll be good for the both of them to lean on each other.

Jack unfortunately has to disrupt their bonding time because the therapy group is meeting in ten minutes and neither one of them is dressed in presentable clothes.

Alex complains about being separated from his new iPad and he changes in the bathroom, while Martin assures Jack three times that he wants to go to the session.

Jack has to help him change because he gets too exhausted halfway through pulling his sweatpants up his legs. He looks embarrassed once he's got his t-shirt over his head and Jack doesn't blame him. Losing the ability to do things for yourself isn't something Jack would want to experience. But Martin gets over it once Alex comes back out with black jeans and no shirt, complaining that all of his shirts are dirty.

"That's because you don't put them in the basket," Martin points out to him. "You just drop them wherever."

Alex is digging through drawers of clothes and Jack is staring at him, observing the way his ribs are so visible and how prominent his collarbones are and the fact that Jack could definitely circle his waist with both hands. He needs to start eating more. Jack needs to mention that to Gabe. Nobody realizes how bad he actually looks because he's always wearing three layers of clothes.

"I'll just have to wear this dirty one," Alex finally decides, sniffing a shirt he pulled from the floor near his bed. "At least nobody will want to sit near me."

"Okay whatever, we're already late so let’s just get going," Jack sighs, pulling the door open and holding it for Alex to pass through. Martin follows him, moving much more slowly. They're ten feet from the room when Jack realizes he's going to have to get Martin a wheelchair if he plans on delivering the kid to therapy alive.

"Wait right here and relax and I'll be back with a chair, okay?" He tells Martin, making sure he's stable and leaning against the wall. He's breathing hard and his hands are still shaking and Jack hates himself for not thinking of this sooner. "Alex, make sure he's okay. If anything happens then-"

"You're literally just going around the corner, moron, we'll be fine. Just hurry up before the kid passes out," Alex snaps, and at least that makes Martin smile a bit, so Jack will let the 'moron' comment slide this time.

There's a wheelchair at the nurse’s desk already so Jack doesn't even have to wait for them to bring him one. Sierra is there, holding a little girl in her arms while talking to someone who is probably the little girl's mother. Jack doesn't stop to wave or find out what they're talking about. It can't be too bad though since the mother doesn't have that devastated look on her face that most mothers have when they receive some kind of bad news here.

When he gets back to where he left his patients, he can't help but smile. They're both sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall. Alex has his arm around Martin's shoulders and Martin is saying something that Jack can't hear, but Alex is laughing at. Jack wishes he could record these moments because then he could show Gabe and Ashley just how far Alex has come since John became his therapist and Jack started understanding him a little bit more.



“More frequent platelet transfusions means that his body isn’t making enough platelets. Meaning the more often he gets them, the more he’s relying on them to keep him alive.”

Jack isn’t sure where exactly Alex is heading with that observation. He’s poking at the bagel on his cafeteria tray in front of him, expression blank and eyes focused on the food in front of him. He’s supposed to be eating it but Jack is pretty sure his appetite is shot.

“That’s true, yeah,” Jack answers, pushing the tray closer to Alex. “But we don’t know if he needs more frequent transfusions. This could be a one-off thing. We’ll just have to wait and see how it goes this week. Right?”

Alex shakes his head, “He’s dying.”

“Alex, let’s not be so morbid so early in the afternoon. You shouldn’t get so worked up over-”

“I don’t see why I’m not allowed to be,” Alex shrugs, pushing the tray completely away from him. “You tell me I should try to stop being a heartless asshole and here I am, getting upset over my only friend dying and you’re telling me to stop. You confuse me. I don’t know what you want from me anymore.”

“Well-”

“You know my…my issues. I’ve been left behind more times than I can count and Martin is the only person in my life who has stuck around for longer than a few weeks or a month. Sure, maybe it wasn’t exactly his choice to be my roommate but he certainly could have asked to be switched out. But he stays. And you know that, and you know that he’s going to be gone in a matter of months – maybe weeks – and you’re still telling me to stop being ‘morbid’. I’m not being morbid, Jack. I’m being realistic. I’d appreciate it if you stopped telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”

It’s the first time Jack has ever heard Alex speak so much in one sitting. And it’s the first time he’s ever told Jack off like that without even adding in a mindless insult like ‘moron’ or ‘asshole’. This is the real deal – this is something Alex has been keeping inside for longer than Jack can even comprehend.

“You’re right,” Jack agrees with him, keeping his voice low in the crowded cafeteria. “I shouldn’t tell you how to feel.”

“Martin’s my friend. And I know it doesn’t look like he is and that I probably act like a dick to him sometimes but you’re not in the room with us all the time, Jack. We’ve been roommates since July. Even ask his boyfriend – he’ll tell you we’re friends.”

“I’m not doubting that you’re friends,” Jack promises, “I always kind of figured that you were. Especially considering, like you said, Martin could have requested a new roommate at any point to get away from you if he really couldn’t stand you.”

“He probably wanted to at first,” Alex admits, slumping in his seat and avoiding eye contact with Jack, “I was an asshole in the beginning. I was pissed off that I was back. And I took it out on him more often than not. It’s easier to push people away than give them the opportunity to do it to you first.”

It’s kind of weird, having Alex confessing all of this to Jack in the middle of a hospital cafeteria, where anyone can overhear or interrupt. It’s not private and it’s not very comfortable but maybe that’s why it’s working so well. Alex probably feels normal here. Safer. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. If I went through what you’ve been through, I’d probably be in the same position. Maybe even worse. You’re a strong person, Alex. I don’t think people realize that.”

Alex shrugs and he looks like he wants to say more, but he’s stopping himself. He taps his fingers on the table, and Jack pushes the tray back at him. The younger boy glares at it, but he doesn’t say no.

“Come on, Alex. I know it’s rough but you do need to try and eat better. You have to start bringing your weight back up. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter if the cancer is gone. If you’re this underweight they’re not going to let you go.”

“The chemo makes me nauseous.”

“You haven’t had a dose of chemo in nearly two weeks. Is it really the chemo or are you just worried about Martin?”

Alex sighs, and that gives Jack his answer.

“Just calm down and relax. Martin will be back in the room by the time you finish this bagel, alive and fine.”

“For now,” Alex points out, reaching out and picking up one half of the bagel. “He’s fine for now.”

“And that’s what we’re going to focus on.”



Jack doesn’t let Alex go back the room after he finishes almost two-thirds of the bagel. Mostly, it’s because he knows that Martin is probably still not done with the platelet transfusion and Jack would rather not cause Alex more distress than necessary, but also because Alex spends way too much time in that room. The rec room is sunny and warm and inviting and there’s usually always a few kids around Alex’s age there, watching one of the many movies that the hospitals has. Jack used to think that the hospital wouldn’t really have a very wide selection of movies, but as it turns out, their movie collection is really up to date. They even just got that new Men In Black movie that just came out recently. Jack is searching through the shelves, noting that they’re all in alphabetical order. He bets Sierra has everything to do with that.

“What do you feel like watching?” Jack asks, looking over his shoulder at Alex.

He’s sitting on the couch, feet up and arms wrapped around his legs as he stares at the blank TV screen. He doesn’t answer Jack, so Jack just grabs the new Men In Black and sticks it in the high-tech Blu-ray DVD player. The hospital is pretty up to date on their electronics. Probably because of parents like Alex’s, who just donate money every so often so they don’t have to feel bad about totally abandoning their children.

“I heard this was pretty good.”

Alex at least shrugs this time. “Whatever you say.”

“Don’t get all moody on me now, Alex. We were totally having a breakthrough day.”

Jack puts the movie on without any more input from Alex. Once the opening scene comes on, Jack figures he should just leave and let Alex be alone for a while. The rec room is empty aside from them, for the first time in a long time, and Alex could probably use some time alone to calm down and get himself together. But one look at him curled up on the couch and looking sad and miserable is enough to make Jack sit down beside him instead of leaving.

“I hope you aren’t beating yourself up for opening up to me before,” he says quietly, watching as Alex looks from the TV to the window and to the DVD shelves, avoiding Jack at all costs. “It’s not good keeping everything to yourself. I’m sure John’s-”

The tears would never be noticeable on anyone else. But because Jack has never seen Alex cry or get anywhere near this emotional, the wetness in his eyes is more than obvious and it takes Jack two seconds to realize shit, I made him cry. His brain is trying to come up with a way to comfort him but nothing is sounding like a good idea and suddenly, Jack regrets pushing him so hard. He should have left him alone. Let him recover from spilling all that information to Jack before. This is going to set them back –

Alex lets out a chocked sob and rubs at his eyes, trying to wipe the tears away before they can even fall. “You don’t know how hard it is, knowing that your family thinks you’re worthless.”

“You’re not worthless, Alex,” Jack is quick to say, and not even a second later is Alex clinging to him, thin fingers digging into his arms as he cries into Jack’s shoulder. Jack’s first instinct is to push him away – this is probably not appropriate somehow – but then he realizes that this is probably the only form of physical comfort he’s had since getting admitted here this time around. Or even before that. So he wraps both arms around Alex’s thin frame and tells him it’ll all be fine. He’s lying, and Alex has to know that he is, but he hopes it’s at least a little bit comforting somehow.

& & &

“Surprisingly…those actually look really good.” Sierra says, looking down at the box of cupcakes in Jack’s arms with approval. “You swear you made them by yourself?”

“Yes. Well,” Jack sighs, not really wanting to but admitting anyway, “My friend Tay iced them. But the baking was all me.”

Sierra laughs, still looking impressed. “Alright. Every baker needs help I guess. Let me just taste one to make sure they’re good.” She reaches in and takes one of the fifteen cupcakes out of the box, winking at Jack as she starts peeling off the wrapper. “I’m sure Alex will be thrilled.”

“He better be. The mix plus the icing cost me ten bucks,” Jack says, only kind of kidding. If the kid doesn’t appreciate it then he’s probably just going to throw the cupcakes in his face. One by one. He’ll even let Martin and Zack throw a few too. Because this took effort and made him miss the Dance Moms marathon that was on last night. Jack won’t give a shit if it’s his birthday or not.

But lately, Alex has been pretty great. Of course, when you’re a total dick like Alex, even the slightest improvement is considered ‘great’. But still, he’s been nicer. And more talkative. He even tried to have a conversation with Zack the other day. So hopefully today he’ll be even more bearable, considering it’s his birthday and that’s something to be happy about, right?

Apparently not, though, because as it turns out, Alex considers his birthday to be the worst day out of the entire year. Even worse than Daylight Savings. At least that’s the impression that Jack gets when he walks into Alex and Martins room to find the lights off and the curtains closed and Alex curled up in his bed and Martin reading a book with a flashlight.

“So…what exactly is going on in here?” Jack questions, setting the box of cupcakes down on the table, along with the small bag with tissue paper. He kind of bought Alex a gift. But whatever. Not a big deal. “Does Alex have a hangover from partying too hard for his birthday?”

“He won’t talk to me,” Martin shrugs, barely looking up from his book. He’s squinting at the pages, as if he can’t read the words. Jack isn’t sure if it’s because he barely has enough light or if it’s because his eyesight is starting to get worse. “I even sang him happy birthday but he wouldn’t come out from under the covers.”

“Great,” Jack mumbles under his breath, not really sure how to go about this now. He wasn’t expecting this. But he figures the best way to handle Alex like this is to pretend absolutely nothing is wrong. So he goes over to the windows and pulls the blinds open, flooding the entire room with sunlight and causing Alex to curl in on himself even more under his blankets. “Alex, come on. I know, being eighteen is such an exhausting task and I know you’re probably so tired, but get up and eat a cupcake because I spent my entire night making them and there is no way you are not eating one.”

It takes a few moments, but eventually the words do seem to register with Alex and he pulls his blankets away from his face. He narrows his eyes at Jack as he asks, “You brought me cupcakes?”

“I didn’t just ‘bring you cupcakes’,” Jack says, pulling the covers off of him completely, leaving him in his sweatpants and t-shirt, “I baked them all night and put so much love and care into them. So get up, get dressed and stop forcing poor Martin to read books in the dark.”

“I don’t mind reading in the dark,” Martin says quickly, but Jack knows he was barely even reading at all so he ignores it.

“Plus, Sierra bought you balloons and I am pretty sure Gabe bought you a cake. So come on.”

Alex spends an entire hour in the bathroom and Jack thinks maybe he’s drowning himself. But he doesn’t hear the shower running anymore and he can hear Alex moving around on the other side of the door so that can’t be it. Maybe he’s doing drugs. But Jack can’t even think of a way for Alex to even get his hands on any drugs so that can’t be it either. While Alex is doing God knows what in there, Sierra comes in with the balloons she bought down at the gift shop in the lobby and ties them to the rails on his bed, talking to Martin about the book he’s been reading.

Jack could probably be doing other things instead of just hanging around and waiting for Alex to finally reveal himself again, but he doesn’t really feel like it. It’s Friday and Jack knows that there are plenty of other people around to do whatever it is he could be doing. Plus, this is Alex. He’s supposed to be trying to get Alex to not be a little bitch. So that’s what he’s doing.

When Alex finally opens the bathroom door, Jack almost doesn’t recognize him. He’s showered and dressed in black jeans and a blue sweater that looks like something from American Eagle two years ago. But the biggest thing that makes Jack actually have to do a double-take is the fact that he’s not wearing his usual red beanie on his head.

“Wow. I wouldn’t believe it if you weren’t standing right in front of me but dude, you do clean up nicely,” Jack teases, deciding that it would be in his best interest to not point out the beanie thing. Alex might punch him. “Birthday swag?”

“If I ever hear you say ‘swag’ again I’ll punch you in the dick,” Alex snaps, tossing his dirty clothes into the laundry basket by Martin’s bed. “These are the only clothes I have that aren’t dirty.”

Jack shrugs, watching as the newly eighteen year old looks into the box on the desk, noticing that while his hair is probably much thinner than it normally is when he hasn’t had a dozen doses of chemotherapy, it doesn’t look bad at all and Jack is glad that he’s at least confident enough to stop covering it up. Ever since his blood tests started showing fewer and fewer cancer cells, his chemo doses have decreased in frequency and the strength of the dosage has gone down a bit too, so Jack guesses that Alex’s body is adjusting to having less and less chemicals. He’s sure there are medical terms for this sort of thing but he doesn’t have the energy to even start thinking about that right now. Because Alex is standing in front of him, inspecting one of the cupcakes with a cynical expression, looking extremely attractive and, not to mention, legal. He has to pinch himself to stop right there and not go any further.

“How do I know these aren’t poisoned?” Alex asks, looking over at Jack and still looking skeptical. “Are they sugar free? Or fat free? Or something along those lines?”

“No – they’re normal cupcakes. And they’re not poisoned, just ask Sierra. She already ate one.”

Sierra grins and gives him a thumbs up. “That was over an hour ago and I’m still standing.”

Alex takes her word for it and takes a bite of the cupcake and Jack is glad that he was able to do adequate damage control. The last thing he wants is for Alex to have a shitty day when it’s his birthday, especially considering it’s probably the only one of his birthdays that anyone has acknowledged in a while.

Later in the afternoon, Gabe makes the entire floor gather in the rec room and sing happy birthday to Alex and Alex actually blushes and tries to hide behind Martin’s wheelchair and Jack is taken aback by how strange it is to see Alex so self-conscious. All morning he’s been surprisingly happy and tolerable, even being nice to Ashley when she stopped into the room to wish him a happy birthday. She gave Jack a look that Jack took to mean ‘whatever you’re doing, keep doing it’ and Jack plans on it. It’s nice seeing Alex genuinely happy for once. If it doesn’t last past today, Jack will be content just knowing that it’s possible.

After Alex eats three slices of cake and makes Gabe promise four times that he’ll store it in the staff freezer and not throw it away, John tells Alex that he doesn’t have to go to therapy today if he doesn’t want to. So of course Alex doesn’t want to and goes straight back to his room with the fourth slice of cake, one hand holding the cake and one hand haphazardly directing Martin’s wheelchair down the hall. Jack would stop him and offer to help but Martin’s laughing and Alex is happy. So.

“That’s not the Alex we all once hated and feared,” Gabe jokes while handing what’s left of Alex’s cake off to one of the other nurses to put in the freezer. “During his previous stint in here, he got released just before his birthday. I had just started working here. Who would have thought one year later he’d be back and actually tolerable?”

Jack isn’t sure if he can answer that, so he just shrugs and hopes that Alex never has to spend another birthday in a hospital ever again.



“I should totally start making and selling crystal meth when I get out of here.”

“That’s probably not something you’d want to say out loud ever again, Alex…”

“You’re probably right…I wouldn’t want to get arrested before I even start my new career, do I?”

Jack rolls his eyes, focusing more on filling out Alex’s charts than what Alex is talking about. He should have known buying him season one of Breaking Bad would be a bad idea. But Alex had been talking about it and Jack wanted to get him something. Needless to say, Alex was shocked at the fact anyone had gotten him anything.

“I don’t think I actually said thanks when I opened this before so…Thanks,” Alex says after a few moments of silence. Martin is asleep and Zack is sitting in the chair next to his bed, reading one of his textbooks and not paying Alex any attention. “You didn’t have to get me anything. You’re not really required to.”

“No,” Jack agrees, scribbling down the numbers on the machine to his left, “That’s true. But I wanted to.”

“I haven’t had anyone even acknowledge my birthday since I was twelve,” Alex tells him, looking down at his hands. “I wasn’t exactly expecting this one to be noticed either.”

Jack smiles at him, knowing that this is the most personal that Alex is going to get with him today. He doesn’t want to push it at all. “You only turn eighteen once, man. You can’t just let it go by unnoticed.”

Alex grins and leans back in his bed, eyes going right back to his TV to watch the show. He looks adorable and happy and Jack is having a hard time getting his heart to stop beating so fast and his stomach to quit doing aerobics. Alex might be legal but that definitely does not mean that Jack can feel like this. He’s still his patient and that definitely still counts.



One week after his birthday and Alex has taken over the rec room completely. He’s the oldest patient currently and none of the younger kids really like talking to him, let alone getting on his bad side (especially considering he doesn’t exactly have the best reputation), so the room is usually all his. Jack honestly think it’s a bit unfair the way Gabe lets him do whatever he wants and lets him boss everyone else around just so he doesn’t revert to his old bitchy self. But Jack won’t say anything. Not that it’s even his place to.

While he’s walking back from observing in the OR, Sierra grabs onto Jack and warns him, “Heads up - Mrs. Johnson is looking for you. And she’s an emotional wreck.”

“Shit,” Jack mutters, running his hands over his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Did she say why?”

“Why she’s emotional? I think that’s a pretty obvious-”

“No, Sierra. Why she’s looking for me?”

Sierra shakes her head, “Oh, no. She didn’t. But I figured I’d warn you anyway…emotional mothers are not something you want to get involved with without at least a ten minute heads up.”

She’s right, and Jack thanks her for the info before she goes on her way to the maternity ward. Martin’s family is visiting him today, and it’s not just his parents. His grandparents and two of his aunts are here as well, probably trying to get in as much visiting time as they can before…well. Before it happens.

The fact that Martin is dying is not something that anyone has tried to hide. Martin knows it, his family knows it, Alex knows it. Zack knows it, but Jack’s not really sure if the kid accepts it yet. Either way, it’s a known thing. He spends eighty percent of his days sleeping or lying in bed talking to Alex. He’s needed more and more platelet transfusions and Jack knows it’s only a matter of time before his body just starts shutting down. His eyesight’s already started to go – Gabe got him a pair of reading glasses from CVS so he could at least read a book or two. But eventually those won’t even help him anymore. Jack’s not so sure he wants to be around for it when it happens.

There’s no way he can’t be here, though. Martin’s his patient. And he wouldn’t want to let the kid down by bailing when the going gets rough. So he’s going to have to suck it up and deal. And that means going and seeing what his mom wants to talk to him about. It can’t be anything awful…he hopes.

He finds her in the hallway outside of the visitors sign-in desk. She’s sitting in a chair, looking down at her phone. She looks a lot more tired than she did the last time Jack saw her, a lot more worn down. It’s obvious that she’s not having the best day. No surprise there.

Somehow, despite the reason she’s here, she still manages to smile at Jack when she catches sight of him. “Oh, Jack. It’s so nice to see you,” She says, shaking his hand, still smiling. Jack has no idea how she’s still smiling.

“Nice to see you too, Mrs. Johnson,” Jack greets her, trying his best not to seem so concerned about her happiness. She’s probably barely holding it together as it is. “I didn’t catch you when you visited last week – they sent me to the maternity ward last second.”

“Oh – yes, I understand, Jack,” she says quickly, waving off his explanation, “That’s fine. I was just hoping to speak with you today. I just…well. You know as well as I do that we really could lose him at any time now and…I want to thank you.”

For someone discussing her son’s imminent death, she’s pretty calm and collected and Jack thinks people could learn a lot from this lady. Maybe. “Thank me?”

“Of course. Jack, you’ve done so much for Martin since you started caring for him in September. Honestly, you’re the first nurse that I think ever actually made an impression on him. He talks very highly about you, Jack. Every time we come visit.”

This is not what he was expecting. “I…wow. I uh. I don’t really know what to say,” Jack laughs, rubbing at the back of his neck anxiously. “Martin’s a great kid – really. Honestly, he’s always a pleasure to be around and easy to talk to.”

His words only seem to cheer her up even more. “Really, though, Jack. You’re one of the reasons he’s stayed so…so happy. Especially these last couple of weeks, with everything starting to go downhill. You may not realize it, but everything you do has really impacted him. I know you’re still in school and you’re still doing clinical work, but I know that you’re going to become a great nurse, Jack. You basically already are.”

As if his ego wasn’t inflated enough as it was because of his success with Alex. He feels his face flush at the praise and he can’t help but think hey, she might be right. There have been so many times that his academic advisor and all of his nursing professors have told him that the gratification in becoming a nurse could be instant – or it could take a while. Jack definitely didn’t think it would come so soon for him. Especially not when he was first reassigned to work with Martin and Alex and had so many thoughts about quitting and finding something new to major in. He’s glad he didn’t give up (and that even if he had tried, Sierra wouldn’t have allowed it), because everything that has happened over the past few weeks has really started to make him realize that he is actually making a difference around here.

“I really, really appreciate that,” he finally says, still smiling and still blushing. He’s about to say something else - maybe tell her how awesome Martin is again and how he can tell he gets so much of his personality from his mom, or something along those lines. But the words are stolen from him when he feels someone snake their arms around his waist, and when he looks down, he finds Alex pressing his face into his shoulder.

“I got kicked out of the rec room,” he whines, tightening his grip on Jack and pouting at him, “Can you convince Gabe to let me back in?”

Jack manages to peel Alex off of him without looking too uncomfortable about it, still smiling at Mrs. Johnson. This is weird and inappropriate – story of his life, as of late. “Alex, stop. I’m sure Gabe kicked you out for good reason.”

“The girls are having a Twilight marathon and I don’t think that’s a good reason to make me stop watching my show just to cater to their needs,” he complains, moving close to Jack again to reattach himself. “It’s my birthday month, make them let me watch my show.”

Somehow, Alex went from barely wanting to acknowledge his birthday, to wanting to celebrate every day of the month of December. Jack didn’t exactly have the heart to tell him that would be ridiculous – he has missed out on celebrating every birthday since he was twelve. But he didn’t exactly indulge him in it either and he definitely didn’t give him any special treatment. And he’s not quite sure where this clingy, pouty Alex is coming from, asking him to help him get his way.

“Alex, just watch the movie with them. Maybe you’ll actually make friends for once.”

Jack turns him around so he’s facing the other way, smiling apologetically at Martin’s mother. But she just reaches out and puts her hand on Alex’s shoulder and asks, “You’re Alex? Martin’s roommate?”

“Uh. Yes. That’d be me,” Alex answers, holding his DVD box close to his chest and looking at the lady suspiciously. “I’m just-”

“It’s so nice to finally meet you!” she gushes, and Jack wonders for a moment if she knows how close Alex and Martin are. She probably does. That’s probably why she’s so excited to meet him. “You’re never around whenever we visit. Martin always says you’re busy doing other things, but why don’t you come inside and have lunch with us?”

“Oh, uh…well-”

“He’d love to, Mrs. Johnson,” Jack answers quickly for him, wrapping one arm around Alex’s shoulders, “He’ll be in in a few moments.”

She goes on about how great it’ll be to get to know him and spend some time with Martin’s roommate and Alex looks more and more uncomfortable after every word leaves her lips. Jack knows he’s just nervous, and once she’s back in the room, door closed behind her, he turns to Alex and puts both hands on his shoulders and says, “Don’t freak out.”

“Freak out? I’m not freaking out,” Alex immediately protests, “However, all I wanted was for you to kick everyone out of the rec room so I can watch my show but now I have to eat lunch with my dying roommate’s family. Not exactly on my list of exciting things to do.”

“You’ll be fine, man. Mrs. Johnson is super nice and I can tell she just wants to get to know the kid her son spends so much time around. And would it hurt to eat something not from the hospital? You know that sounds better than you’re letting on.”

Alex bites his lip, finally looking as nervous as Jack assumed him to be. “They aren’t going to like me.”

“Of course they will,” Jack assures, squeezing his shoulders, “As long as you are slightly pleasant and don’t say anything rude or stupid. Can you manage that?”

Alex shrugs and his hands come up and grip Jack’s forearms, “I guess.”

“Okay. So go.”

Jack lets his hands drop from his shoulders, but Alex keeps his grip on one and lets his hand slide down so that it finds Jack’s, slipping his fingers between his and lacing them together. Jack feels the spark but doesn’t let the contact last more than five seconds before he coughs and pulls away, completely ignoring the way his heart was trying to beat its way through his ribcage.



Jack never thought he would make it to New Years. But here he is, having just assisted one of the doctors deliver a baby in the maternity ward, walking back to the other side of the hospital to get back to the children’s ward. Don’t let people convince you that giving birth to a baby is ‘beautiful and wonderful and magical and great’ and all those other positives adjectives, because really. It’s disgusting. It’s a miracle alone that Jack didn’t vomit at the sight of the baby being pushed – okay. He really doesn’t even want to relive it. He prays to whoever is listening that he does not end up working full-time in the maternity ward. He doesn’t want to be assisting in childbirth for the rest of his life. No thank you.

That’s not the point. The point was that he really didn’t think he’d make it to New Years at this hospital. He thought he’d have dropped out of the nursing program to pursue a career as far from nursing as he could get. But he has made it to New Years and he still has the same patients and he can finally officially see himself doing this for the rest of his life. About time. He was starting to get concerned.

Since his semester ended, Jack is on winter break and has been taking on the night shifts at the hospital while he’s out of school. He’s not really a huge fan of the night shift – mainly because it gets a little boring when all he can really do is hang around and watch the head nurse of that shift do blood tests and check stats and whatnot. All the patients are usually asleep, including Alex and Martin, so there’s not much entertainment for Jack then. He’s looking forward to when he can start getting back to his regular morning shifts.

Unfortunately, as he’s passing by her office, Jack gets cornered by Ashley. She calls him in, makes him sit down in the chair in front of her desk that he’s sat in way too many times before, and she smiles at him. Like an actual smile. A real smile. That actually has emotion. She looks weird with a real smile. Jack’s not so sure if he likes it.

“How’s the day going so far, Jack?” she asks him, leaning back in her chair and looking more relaxed than Jack has ever seen her before. “Good?”

Jack nods slowly, not really sure where this conversation is going. What does she want from him now? “Yeah…pretty good.”

“That’s great,” She says, “Good to hear. Anyway-”

And here it comes. She’s probably going to tell him he’s being switched again. Since Alex is no longer that little asshole that Jack first encountered, she probably wants him to be assigned new patients. Especially since the new semester will be starting soon and he could use a new experience. This is going to suck.

“Gabe and I have been talking recently. The way you’ve handled Alexander is extremely impressive and –”

“Are you switching me?” Jack finds himself asking, interrupting her. Once he’s realized what he’s done, he winces and blushes and proceeds to look like an asshole. Nice going, Jack. Interrupt your supervisor. Good idea. “I mean. I’m just-”

She tilts her head, looking more confused than annoyed with him. “Switching you? Why would we switch you? As long as it’s possible, you’re going to be with Alex and Martin until the last possible moment. Nobody has ever connected with those two the way you have. That’s what I was saying. How impressive you have been lately.”

“Oh.” Oh.

“And we both decided that once you’ve graduated and passed the NCLEX exam and are a registered nurse, you will be offered a full-time position here at the hospital. And we both hope that you’ll take it.”

“I- wait…Seriously?” Jack’s not sure if he’s heard her correctly. A job? A real job offer? Before he’s even graduated? Is that even possible?

“Yes,” she nods, still smiling and almost seeming amused by Jack’s shock. “Honestly, we both agreed that you would be a wonderful addition to our staff. So what do you say? Think you’d consider it?”

“Of course,” Jack is quick to answer, not really sure what else she expected him to say. “That’s an amazing opportunity I’d be stupid to pass up, honestly. Getting offered a job before I’m even certified is…well. I didn’t really expect that at all.”

“I knew from the beginning that you’d end up fitting in here better than you expected.”

“Really?” Jack laughs, “I’ll be honest…I was never really sure if your opinion of me was either positive or negative.”

She doesn’t seem surprised at that. In fact, she smiles knowingly and nods in agreement. “I’m not normally one to be overly friendly, I’ll admit. Can you believe I managed to find a husband?”

No, he can’t, but he won’t say that out loud. The wedding band on her left ring finger is suddenly so obvious to him, he has no idea how he never saw it before. Whoever she’s married to has to be pretty confident in their relationship because Jack can’t see her going around saying ‘I love you’ or anything close to it to anyone.

He leaves her office feeling extra good about himself, which is great because he could always use a mood booster whenever he goes to see Martin. The fact that these next couple of weeks are going to be his last is not exactly a fact that Jack wants to accept. But it’s more than obvious that he’s going to have to, because every day Martin just gets worse and worse. Jack isn’t sure how Alex is going to handle it when it happens. He’s hoping the hospital brings someone in to talk to him about it because Jack is totally not capable of handing the possible disaster that might strike. And Zack. God, that’s going to be even worse. Jack’s hoping Martin’s family handles that one.

“I have some bad news,” Alex announces when Jack enters the room. He’s standing in the bathroom with the door open, looking at himself in the mirror. Jack watches as he lifts his shirt and sucks in his stomach, making his ribs even more visible than they already were, and says, “My smallest jeans do not fit.”

“How is that bad news?” Jack wonders, walking over to the windows beside Alex’s bed. He pulls the curtains across so that the setting sun isn’t shining in and drowning Martin’s bed in light while he’s sleeping. Not that Jack thinks the sun would wake him up. But still. “The fact that you’re gaining weight is a good thing, Alex. You gained five pounds since last week.”

“That isn’t the issue I’m having,” Alex explains, pulling his shirt back down and pulling his toothbrush out from the tiny cabinet above the sink. “My smallest jeans don’t fit but the next size up is too big. So now I either have to wear jeans that don’t button or jeans that fall down my ass.”

“Or you could get a belt.”

“I don’t own a fucking belt, moron.”

Alex starts brushing his teeth and Jack sits down on the edge of his bed, watching. It kinds sucks that Alex has to have a million different sized pairs of jeans because his weight fluctuates so often, thanks to being re-diagnosed three times. Jack finds himself wondering if he ever reached such a low weight the last time he was treated. He had to, considering he owns jeans that fit him.

“Stop staring at my ass,” Alex yells out through a mouthful of toothpaste.

Jack is about to deny it, but then he realizes he was, in fact, staring at Alex’s ass. Okay. Get it together Jack. So instead he changes the subject completely. “Are you planning on actually attending the New Year’s party or are you going to skulk around in the hallways and torment everyone who walks past you?”

“I don’t know yet. I’ll have to see how lame it gets,” Alex tells him after spitting out a mouthful of water into the sink. “It’s not like Martin will go so I won’t have anyone to talk to.”

Fair enough. “You could always just watch the New Year’s special in here.”

And then Alex floors him. “Or I could just make out with you at midnight.”

“No you cannot,” is Jack’s automatic response. He’s blushing the brightest shade of red he thinks he’s ever blushed before and he feels flustered and confused because okay. While that suggestion sounds nice and great and perfect, it’s so fucking wrong because Alex is his patient and he is young and sick and this is just not right stop it Jack.

“Nobody would even know,” Alex points out, not catching on to Jack’s opposition at all. “Martin’s asleep. The door is closed –”

“Alex. The level of inappropriate you have just reached is basically through the roof,” Jack finally manages to say, hoping that he’s not blushing quite as badly as he was. “You really need to cut that out. If anyone overhears you, even if you’re just kidding around, I could lose this job. And I can’t afford that.”

“I’m not kidding,” Alex mumbles, looking down at his hands and suddenly looking much younger than he actually is. “I thought…you kind of…”

“Kind of what?”

Alex sighs and looks back up at Jack, looking frustrated and embarrassed. He crosses his arms over his chest and finally spits out, “I thought you liked me, okay? I thought maybe you actually had feelings for me. Like actual…you know…”

“Oh.”

Oh. OH. Feelings. Real feelings. Like romantic-interest-type feelings. Jack finally gets it. The past weeks of Alex saying mildly inappropriate things and Jack brushing them off and Alex being under the impression that there could actually be something between them. Jack has no idea how he didn’t realize this earlier. Like when Alex had made that off-hand comment about wanting too Jack naked. Jack’s not sure how that one went over his head. Because now it’s just plain obvious.

“Alex…You have to realize that we can’t…that can’t happen.”

Jack is still sitting on the edge of his bed, looking up at Alex and watching as his expression goes from mildly upset to completely mortified.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, covering his face with his hands, “I thought maybe…”

“It’s just…you’re my patient, Alex. That’s completely and totally not allowed.”

“I won’t be your patient for much longer,” Alex points out, sitting on the very edge of Martin’s bed.

It feels wrong to be having this discussion with Martin right there, completely unaware of it. But Jack can’t think of anywhere safer to do this. “That might be true but-”

“So when I out of here, if I come back to ask you out, would you say yes?”

It’s a dumb question. If Alex came back after he’s released and asked Jack out, there would be no way Jack could say no. He feels kind of weird about it, considering Alex has only been legal for about two weeks now, but Jack is only twenty-three. It isn’t like he’s some creepy thirty-year-old who has a thing for teenage boys. Plus, Alex is legal. So it doesn’t even matter. The only thing standing in the way is the fact that Alex is still registered as a patient. So yes. Jack thinks he would definitely be saying yes if Alex were to ask him out down the road.

“I mean…” Jack sighs, defeated. He can’t hide it anymore. He’s known his feelings for Alex would come out eventually. He was just hoping it would be long after Alex was discharged. “Yeah. I guess I would say yes.”

Alex’s eyes light up instantly at the affirmation of Jack’s feelings for him. “Okay then,” he says happily, grinning at Jack. “Just wait. I have much sexier outfits at home.”



“You both know why I’m here.”

Jack kind of wishes this lady had thought to dress in something a bit more…friendlier. Alex is staring at her with an obvious look of ‘I don’t know you or trust you or like you’ and Zack…well they’re lucky Zack is even looking like he’s paying her even the slightest bit of attention. Her name is Jessica and she’s sent from some agency that was highly recommended but Jack thinks this is just going to be a disaster.

“Are you here for a fuckin’ funeral?” Alex snaps, crossing his arms over his chest and eyeing the woman’s all-black attire. “That’s what it looks like.”

Zack smiles at Alex, but it’s not a real one and his hands are tapping on the arm of the chair he’s sitting in, clearly nervous and anxious to get back to the room to spend the next hour with Martin before visiting hours are up. “You’re here because of Martin,” he says softly, wanting to hurry this along as quickly as he can.

“Thank you,” Jessica says, giving Alex appointed look. But Alex ignores it, of course. “I’m here to talk to the both of you about what to expect over the next couple of weeks. It’s not going to be easy but hopefully by the end of this, you will be prepared enough to handle it.”

"I think we know what's going to happen," Alex snaps, looking over at Jack. He gives him a look like a cry for help - like a 'get me out of here' look - but Jack shrugs and ignores it.

"Of course you do," the woman says gently, tuning up her sympathy level. "And I know that you know how hard it's going to be. But hopefully I can try and make it a bit more manageable."

Zack seems to be the only one interested in what she has to say. He leans forward and asks, "Is it going to happen fast?" And he sounds so broken and lost that Jack almost wants to hug him.

"It could. But there's no way of telling that. However, there will be signs and I'm going to try and help you deal with those signs. You might have noticed Martin spends most of his time sleeping."

Jack excuses himself, once he's sure that Alex is going to be the slightest but cooperative. There's no need for him to stick around - he knows all of the information she's going to give them already. He just hopes that when the time comes, they're going to be able to deal with Martin's passing just a little better. Maybe.

It's probably not going to be easy for them, hearing about what's going to happen, but they need to know. They need to understand why Martin is sleeping so much, that his body is shutting down and soon enough, he's barely going to be able to stay awake at all. The sooner they can comprehend it and accept it, the better it will be for them.

"You okay, Jack?" Sierra asks him when she finds him wandering the halls outside the office, putting a hand on his shoulder. She leans up against the wall beside him, "Wanna talk about it?"

"Since when are you a therapist?" Jack laughs, but he doesn't really mean it.

"Dating a therapist kind of turns you into one, I guess," she says softly, smiling as Jack realizes exactly what she means by that. "Yeah, John asked me out a couple weeks ago. We've been keeping it quiet, though. That's why I didn't tell you yet. I don't want to jinx it."

The 'you know how I am with relationships' goes unsaid and Jack nods, "I'm happy for you, he's a pretty cool guy."

"Yes. But that's not what we're talking about. Tell me what's on your mind, Jack. I can tell you're stressing."

He wants to tell her everything - about Alex and his crush on him and his plans for after he gets released - but he can't. That's something that needs to be kept to himself for right now. "I guess I'm just a little stressed about Martin. I mean... I've known him for months now and I've gotten close to him and it... It's hard. Seeing someone as young as he is, who's a great person and has so much potential, dying before he even has the chance to live. You know?"

“I’ve never experienced it,” Sierra tells him honestly, and most people would think it rude of her to not at least pretend to understand what Jack is going through. But Jack is glad she doesn’t. “I can’t even imagine going through what you are, Jack. They tell us all those stories in class and everything…but until it happens to you, I don’t think you can really understand.”

“I’m not even a registered nurse, and all these things are happening at once. They told me the job would be boring at first. So far it’s been anything but.”

“You think the reason I started talking to you that first day of nursing classes was to tell you to quit staring at my chest and trying to convince yourself that you’re straight. But really, I did it because I knew you were someone I’d want to have as a friend through all of this. That you’d be one of the few people in that class that would actually make it to graduation with their head on straight.”

Jack blushes at her words, not used to hearing so much praise like this. His parents support him and believe in him, sure, but it’s something else entirely when someone you’ve worked alongside for so long tells him she’s believed in him since the very start. “Thanks, Sierra,” he says softly, giving her a weak smile. “That means a lot to me.”

“I know it’s tough to think of it this way, but I think you should. You were lucky enough to have Martin as a patient, but I think Martin was also pretty lucky to get you as a nurse.”



At the end of January, it snows. By noon on the 31st, there’s at least three inches of snow covering the cars in the parking lot behind the hospital. Jack glares at the offensive weather from Alex’s window, wondering how the hell he’s going to get all of that off his car and still make it in time for class tonight. Maybe he should just skip it. He’s never skipped the class before. He could totally afford it.

“Who do you think is going to win the Superbowl?” Alex asks from behind him, and Jack turns around, about to give him an answer, but then he realizes Alex isn’t even talking to him at all.

He’s sitting in a chair next to Martin’s bed, feet up and completely ignoring the crossword puzzle book that Jack brought him this morning. It was meant to be a distraction – maybe he could go to the rec room and do a few puzzles and not worry about Martin – but Alex has made it pretty clear there’s no distracting him from this.

“Ravens, I bet,” Alex continues, as if Martin is not half unconscious and is not wearing an oxygen mask that would prevent him from speaking much if he were conscious. “Your lame boyfriend thinks it’ll San Fran. What a joke.”

Alex is flipping through the TV channels faster than Jack can keep up with. At first, he was disappointed when Alex didn’t take the distraction that Jack tried to provide him with. It’s not healthy, sitting in your room with your dying roommate and sulking and watching TV. But now Jack isn’t so upset over his decision anymore. Alex sits with Martin every day while he’s alone – while Zack is at school and his parents are at work. Jack can remember the exact way he had said ‘I’m not going to let him die alone’ and since then, Martin hasn’t ever been alone.

Jack’s not sure if Martin knows exactly what Alex has been doing, but Alex doesn’t seem to care either way. He sits there, feet up on the bed every day that someone’s not there to visit him, talking about TV shows and football stats and baseball spring training and other little things like that. The younger boy is only fully awake for maybe an hour or two a day, and he barely has the energy to do anything other than keep breathing.

“Fuck – get off!”

Jack realizes he’s been staring at Alex for the past minute when Alex shouts and breaks him from his focus. Alex isn’t yelling at him – thank God – but instead he’s yelling at the large orange cat sitting on the edge of Martin’s bed, tail swishing back and forth as it watches Alex with big eyes. The cat’s name is Marley and Jack remembers meeting it briefly over the summer.

“What the hell are you yelling for?” Jack asks, rushing over to prevent Alex from hitting the cat with Martin’s medical folder. “It’s just a cat!”

“I hate this cat!” Alex protests, pressing himself against Jack and peering around him to glare at it. “The little bitch’ll only hang out with you when you’re dying!”

“Alex – come on. That’s a bit over-dramatic, even for you,” Jack says, pushing the eighteen year old off of him. He keeps a decent amount of distance between them, always. Getting caught in compromising positions (no matter how innocent they actually are) would suck. And ruin everything.

The cat seems to realize how unwelcome it is, because it hops off the bed and walks right back out the open hospital room door. Not ten seconds later, Gabe walks right in with the cat in his arms, grinning and petting it like it’s the best thing on the planet.

“Look who wants to visit you!” Gabe exclaims, and Alex just groans and collapses into his chair. “Guess he wanted to be here for the big news.”

“What big news?” Jack asks, watching Gabe close the door and pull the chair sitting at the desk closer to where Alex is.

He sits down in the chair and grins at Alex. “So, buddy. Your tests came back.”

Alex crosses his arms over his chest and glares. “I am not your buddy.”

Gabe ignores him. “They came back negative. Meaning it looks like the cancer cells are finally gone completely. Meaning-”

“I can go home?” Alex interrupts, sitting up and leaning forward, eyes wide and hopeful. “No more chemo?”

“No more chemo,” Gabe agrees, “You can go home. However…not until we get a couple of things straightened out. Like your weight for one thing. I talked to your nutritionist, and we decided that twelve pounds was a reasonable amount of weight for you to gain back before we discharge you. That, along with the cancer staying gone, of course, is the biggest requirement. We’re thinking…end of February?”

“I can do that,” Alex is quick to agree, the smile never leaving his face.

Jack hasn’t seen him this happy…ever, maybe. It’s a good look on him. He hopes he’ll be seeing it a lot more.



Martin dies on a Tuesday morning in February – the day after Valentine’s Day. Gabe comes to the realization that shit, this is it at five in the morning, while doing his rounds and checking in on his patients before the day really starts. He calls Martin’s parents and they come in and they get to say goodbye and there’s a lot of crying in the hallway and in the elevator, according to the nurses who were there, and when Jack actually checks in at seven, he’s already too late.

That’s not the worst part, though. Yes, coming into work just to hear that one of his patients lost the battle he’d been fighting for over a year was one of the hardest things Jack has ever done. But he would be lying if he said he wasn’t expecting it. He’d been expecting it for nearly two weeks already. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but still. He’d been ready.

The worst part was that Zack wasn’t informed at all. Jack thought for sure Martin’s boyfriend would be notified – at least given a chance to say goodbye. But Gabe tells him that’s not the case, sounding sad and disappointed. The hospital cannot legally contact Zack and tell him, because he isn’t listed anywhere on Martin’s forms.

“I told them that they should let him know somehow,” Gabe explains sadly, still sitting in the waiting room where Martin’s family had been only a half an hour ago. Martin’s files are in his lap, thick with countless papers and test results and scans that are now completely useless. “And that was awkward enough, considering his mother hates the poor kid.”

“What?” Jack isn’t quite sure he heard him right. “She hates Zack?”

“Yeah…no idea why. I asked Martin a few times. The kid never really gave me an answer but I could tell it hurt him just to think about it.”

And suddenly, it makes sense. Jack realizes – he had never seen Zack visit at the same time as Zack’s family. Their visits were always separated by at least an hour or more – sometimes even days. Jack’s not sure why he never caught onto that. Now he’ll never know. Because there’s no way he’s asking Zack anything.

Especially not considering the way he comes into the hospital later that afternoon after school has gotten out for the day. He looks the same as he always does, hunched over because of the weight of his backpack, a couple of notebooks in his arms and a small forced smile on his face as he starts waling past the front desk, making a beeline for Martin and Alex’s hospital room.

“Zack – wait!”

Gabe intercepts him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and leading him back in the direction he came from. Jack watches, feels like someone is squeezing his chest, putting so much pressure that he thinks his heart might just burst from it all. He’s never hurt this badly or this intensely in his life. He watches Gabe break the news gently, sitting Zack down in one of the many empty white chairs in the waiting room. Zack stares at him, expression completely blank, for a few moments before Jack can see him mouth the words why didn’t anybody tell me? And Gabe doesn’t have a very good answer for that, so he just hugs him and lets the teenager break down right there in the waiting room. Jack thinks there’s no way that what he’s feeling can even hold a candle to what Zack is feeling. Or Alex.

Alex, who had been forced to spend the past few hours in Ashley’s office with John, having a “quick-damage-control” therapy session, is finally let back into his room at three. Jack gives him space, because he knows that he’s spent a better part of the past couple of hours crying and talking about feelings with John. When Jack finally forces himself to go check on him it’s three-thirty and Jack only has another hour or so left of his day.

Marley is in the room already when Jack walks in. The cat is sitting on Alex’s bed, curled up in his lap and Alex is petting him, not kicking him out like he did just a couple of days ago. The room feels empty without Martin. The bed is still there but the machines are gone and the chair beside the bed as well. Jack sits down at the desk and watches Alex for a few moments, wondering how this is going to affect him and the progress he’s made (and still has to make). Eight pounds is a good amount to have gained in such a short amount of time. But after this, Jack’s not sure if Alex will keep up the progress.

“If you don’t mind, I kind of just really want to be alone right now,” Alex tells him quietly, not looking up and not giving Jack any sort of hint as to what’s going on in his brain right now.

“Alex-”

“Jack. I’m serious. Alone. Meaning without you here.”

Jack sighs, figuring there’s really no other option for him here, “Okay. I understand. I’ll just…I’ll see tomorrow morning, I guess.”

Alex doesn’t answer him, and Jack isn’t sure why he expected him to.



Gabe sends Jack home early and Jack skips the classes he has later that night. The second he gets home, he changes into sweatpants and a worn out t-shirt and settles on his couch, eating Eggo Waffles for dinner and watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives. He’s not really paying the TV much attention. He’s not really paying anything much attention. He’s having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that Martin is gone and he’s not quite sure how he managed to make it through the entire day without really accepting it.

But now he has to. Tomorrow, he’s going to check in and go to the usual room and Martin’s not going to be there. He won’t be offering one of his shy smiles when Alex says something stupid and obnoxious. He won’t be reading one of the books he’s read a million times. Zack won’t be visiting him, sitting next to his bed and doing his homework while Martin got an hour or two of sleep. Everything’s going to be different. And no matter what he thought before, Jack’s definitely not prepared for it.

He’s also not prepared for the phone call he gets just after five, from an unknown name and number. But he answers it anyway, thinking it could be his mom calling from somewhere else, to tell him something important. He forces himself to sound normal and sane when he answers, but he quickly learns that’s not at all necessary.

“It’s Alex,” is the first thing he hears on the other end of the line, followed by the shuffling of sheets. “What are you doing?”

“I’m watching Desperate Housewives reruns,” Jack mumbles, “How did you get my number, Alex?”

There’s silence for a moment, and then, “Stole it from Gabe.”

“Of course you did.”

“Surprising?”

“Not at all.”

“I just wanted to tell you…” Alex starts, sounding apprehensive about what he’s trying to say. But Jack just lets him go with it, because he really doesn’t have the energy to try and interpret Alex’s silences. “I just…Listen. After you left before, all I wanted to do was make you come back. I just didn’t really know how.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry I pushed you away. I shouldn’t have.”

“I understand, honestly,” Jack admits, trying not to think about how wrong this is – he really shouldn’t be having personal phone calls with a patient. But whatever. Alex needs him. “You’re hurt and upset and I can understand why you’d want to be alone.”

Alex sighs loudly, and Jack can almost picture him sitting in his bed, curtains closed and TV blasting Breaking Bad. He’s probably got that cat with him, despite how often he’s said he hates it. They both stay silent for a couple of minutes, not sure what to say or how to start a new subject.

“I’m glad you forced me to stop being a bitch and actually get closer to Martin,” Alex finally says, his voice soft as if he doesn’t want anyone overhearing him. “Otherwise I don’t think I’d be getting out here this month. I’d still be that stupid brat who didn’t know how to talk to anyone. So…thanks, Jack. You’re the reason I’m going to be okay this time around. For good.”