You're My Favorite Explosion.

Getting "involved" with Alex Gaskarth was never my intention in the beginning. Really, it wasn't. I've heard all of the rumors and I've seen too many things to understand that being around him like that isn't something I should ever attempt to do. Sure, I'm a bit civil toward him, considering his best friend and bandmate is my older brother, Jack. In all truth, though, I can't stand him.

Jack likes to bring me along when there are tours or just random shows that the band do. He often forces me to stand to the side of the stage with Matt, Danny, and the rest of the crew while All Time Low perform. I'm not complaining - I love watching them play. Seeing them grow as musicians, and watching as my brother has his heart set on doing what he loves for the rest of his life is truly a great experience. The energy they possess while on stage, how close they are as friends, and the way they interact with fans and friends makes everything that much better.

I enjoy spending time with Jack. When I don't feel like touring with them, I don't see him much, and that sucks sometimes. My brother is really the only one I could trust with my entire life. Zack, Rian, and all of the band's crew have done everything they possibly can to welcome me with open arms into the All Time Low family, and I'm so grateful for that. Alex, though, is an entire different story. When I'm near him, all that are thrown my way are strings of nasty insults and icy glares. I don't understand why, because I've never done anything to him.

The first time I toured with All Time Low was three years ago, and I was thirteen. The band were getting more known worldwide, and it was their first major tour. Jack had practically begged Mom and Dad to let me go with them. Our parents were hesitant and skeptical at first, but eventually accepted Jack's promise of keeping me in his sight and agreed to let me leave with him. My brother and I'd both cheered loudly and he picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder and bounding upstairs to my bedroom to pack my things.

I remember being so excited my heart was on the verge of explosion. The first time I stepped onto the bus was paradise. Zack immediately squealed girlishly and squished me into a hug as Rian walked over and ruffled my hair, grinning. Alex was nowhere to be found, but as if reading my mind, Zack sighed and explained to me that he was in the bunks sleeping off a hangover.

"Well, welcome to the All Time Family, tiny Barakitten," Rian had told me.

Of course, Alex knew I was going to join them on tour, but he didn't bother coming to talk to me like everyone else had. He hid away in his bunk, or any other area I wasn't in, refusing to make himself known unless there was something he absolutely had to do. He still didn't attempt to conversate with me, save for the multiple degrading words he'd spit at me before leaving any room we were both present in. It pisses me off, actually, because I've always been willing to become at least acquaintances with him, but he'll never give me the time of day to even speak to him.

It's stupid, but sometimes I think maybe he's still angry with me for that first night I'd stayed. Jack and I had agreed that I would sleep with him in his bunk, since there was no more available space left. I'd woken up in dire need of a glass of water and untangled myself from my brother's protective embrace. Before I could make it to the small kitchenette, I felt a heavy force collide with my body and I was knocked to the ground. It was dark, but the moonlight shining through the open blinds on the window lit up our faces perfectly.

When I realized it was Alex, my mouth went dry and I couldn't form words. Honestly, I had been too preoccupied comparing his unending beauty to what I'd seen in all of Jack's photos. He was gorgeous, and I could almost feel something stirring within me. We stared at each other for a few moments, before he shot me a glare and stood up.

"What the fuck are you looking at, shrimp?" he'd spat, not giving me time to apologize or form a coherent sentence as he left me on the floor and stalked back toward the bunks.

Now, here I am again. Three years later, I'm on my fifth tour with All Time Low and I'm actually somewhat happy with my life. Yes, Alex is still the biggest douchebag in the world, but everyone else treats me like I belong.

Right now, I'm sitting in the middle of the couch by Jack and Rian is across the room on the recliner as we watch a marathon of Ridiculousness and laugh our asses off. Zack's in the kitchen area pouring us all lemonade, and I almost feel bad that he's doing it himself, but I can barely move due to Jack's arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders.

A few months ago, I came clean about my sexuality by stepping out into the world as homosexual. Since then, Jack has been getting more overbearing and vigilant about everything I'm going through. I appreciate it, really, but I'm sixteen years old. I don't need a babysitter.

"Hey, here are your drinks," Zack tells us softly as he comes back into the room, handing us each a glass of lemonade.

I nod my thanks and give him a small smile, holding the glass to my lips and taking a quick sip.

It's then that Alex decides to emerge from his bunk and into the front lounge. His hair resembles something like a bird's nest, and he's rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He yawns cutely annoyingly, covering his mouth with his left hand and using the other to pull his shirt back down over the skin his baggy sweatpants exposes.

"What time is it?" he asks quietly, his eyes roaming over all of us and landing on me for a few moments, before he looks to the floor.

"Uh," Jack checks his watch before looking back up at his best friend, "It's almost noon, Lex."

Alex sighs, walking from the spot he seemed to be rooted in to the couch, plopping down beside me. He rests his elbow on the arm of the sofa and puts a fist to his cheek. I can't help but let my eyes cast over him. I'd be lying if I tried to say he isn't the most adorable thing in the world when he first wakes up.

Stop, Collin. It's wrong to think this way. He's your brother's best friend. This is not okay. You're barely sixteen and he's twenty-five years old. Stop.



I'm not exactly sure how we ended up like this. Twenty minutes ago, we were in the lounge. I was absentmindedly staring at him and he noticed, immediately glaring at me and calling me names. I insulted him right back, not daring to back down from a verbal war.

Jack had gotten fed up. Zack and Rian grew wary the moment Alex and I started another argument, shuffling off of the bus with a promise to come back with McDonald's. We didn't care to listen to them, too caught up in our own twisted world. Jack stood up then, ripping his arm from my shoulders and standing directly in front of us.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" he'd yelled, rapidly waving his arms in a frustrated motion, "Why is this an everyday thing? I care about you both so much, and this is absolutely ridiculous! Why can't you just get along? What is so hard about that? No, Alex, my baby brother isn't perfect, but he's not a terrible person! Would it kill you to be nice to him for once? And Collin, fuck, I know Alex is a huge dickhead but please, for me, stop egging it on."

My brother was crying - actually crying, because his best friend and brother couldn't act right toward each other. It hit me hard, and I know it did Alex, too, because suddenly he was gripping my wrist tightly and dragging me into the bunk area, pulling the curtain to his bunk open and shoving me into it before climbing in after me. There were unshed tears in his eyes, and I was utterly and honestly shocked. I was prepared for him to just retaliate back at Jack, shouting about how pathetic and worthless I am, and how I'm such a little bitch and won't ever amount to anything.

What I wasn't expecting was exactly this - him dragging me into his bunk, on the verge of tears, attempting to think of something to say to heal the emotional wounds we all had. I just stare at him blankly, my back pressed against the wall as I try not to get too close to him.

Alex eventually sighs and laughs shakily, running a hand over his face and closing his eyes, laying his head back against the pillow. "Fuck. I've been such an asshole to you over the past few years, haven't I?"

I look down, the sheets of the bunk suddenly catching my attention. "You think?" I ask, my voice somehow sounding smaller than it's ever been, "Why, Alex? What did I ever do to you? I can't remember ever hurting you in any way, and if I did, I'm really sorry. I don't know what I did to make you hate me." My words have a slight tremble in them, but I hold myself together, because I don't want to show any weakness.

His facial expression changes, softening as his eyes snap open and he turns to look at me. My hair falls into my eyes and he raises a hand up, as if he's going to make a move to brush it away, but his hand quickly falls back down to his side.

"I don't hate you, Collin," he whispers, visibly swallowing a lump that had formed in his throat, "I don't. I never did. Oh god, I'm so sorry."

"What?" I'm genuinely confused. If he isn't completely appalled by me, then why does he always do what he can to make me miserable? What kind of sick kick does he get out of it?

"I don't hate you. I swear to god, Collin, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You never did anything to me. I just..." he trails off, closing his eyes and turning his head away from me. I don't miss the tear that slowly escapes from his eye and travels down his cheek. I know he doesn't want me to mention anything about it, so I don't.

"Why, then?" I ask softly, reaching out to grab his chin in my hand and force him to look at me. His eyes open, and I see all of the tears gathering in those beautiful orbs.

"I...Collin, I..."

"Alex, what is it?"

"Collin..."

"Goddammit, Alex. Just fucking tell me so I can get out of here and go back to my brother and our friends!"

And then his mouth is pressing against mine and his fingers are cold on the back of my neck, holding me down as our lips mold together. I make a noise that's a cross between a shriek and a groan, my eyes flying open as wide as saucers. Alex's fingers thread into my hair and he presses harder against me, desperately trying to get me to kiss back. I can taste his tears as they fall down his cheeks and hit my tastebuds, and suddenly I'm moving my lips gently against his and reaching a hand up to touch the side of his neck, stroking his skin lightly with my thumb.

Soon, I pull away. I'm a panting mess as I rest my forehead against Alex's, looking into his eyes. For once, there's no trace of hate or disgust. His eyes hold genuine care and happiness, and I almost find myself smiling at that fact. Alex's arms move and he winds them around my waist, pulling me on top of him and resting his head in the crook of my neck, pressing a light kiss to my skin.

"I...I think I love you, Collin. I think I've been attached to you the whole time. I'm so sorry I've been such a douchebag. You have to understand...you were so young, and you still are. How do you think everyone would have reacted if I told them I have a thing for my best friend's little brother, who happens to be nine years younger than me? I couldn't allow anything to get too out of control back then. I wanted you to think I didn't want to be around you so nothing would. I'm sorry."

"You worry too much, you fucking idiot," I laughed, leaning in to kiss his lips again, bringing my hands up to tangle in his hair. I'm going to have to grow accustomed to these feelings. Before, I couldn't stand to be around Alex solely because I thought he didn't like me. But now...I think I can learn to get used to this.

Even if we have to keep it a secret from the rest of the world until I'm of legal age, I'm willing to put up with it. And I could care less about what Jack, Zack, Rian, or anyone else has to say about it.