All I Want

Lindsay’s POV

It was a cold day in London, much like my mood had been for the past couple of weeks. It wasn’t like that cold you could manage either; that cold weather where it actually felt good to be outside. The weather seemed to be almost bitter. If you stepped outside and felt the rush of cold air on your skin, you immediately wanted to retrace your steps and go somewhere where it was warmer. And again, the weather seemed to resemble my mood as of late. I was sitting on the windowsill of my apartment looking outside. It was like the city was empty, everyone tucked away in their houses, desperate to keep warm. I should have been emptying out the pile of boxes that had been sitting on my living room floor for the past few days, but decided against it, not really feeling like unpacking at the moment.

It was weird being met with the silence of the apartment. I always had Niall to keep me company, and when he wasn’t with me, I had friends over. I’d like to think that silence was somewhat of a good thing at times, however, it wasn’t. My mind was racing with thoughts and they wouldn’t stop. I had nothing to distract me, and it was beginning to really bother me. None of my friends had contacted me in a while, probably because of the way I was acting. It wasn’t like I was an anti-social person either. I guess with the events that unfolded recently I wasn’t up for being social. I would rather just sit in my apartment and read a good book. It sounded much better than going out and risking running into him. To say I hadn’t thought about wanting to run into him again would be an understatement. That boy was always on my mind. It’s just, if I happened to see him out and about what would I say? Would I stand there and act like I had never met him before or would I have the courage to say what I’ve wanted to say to him since that night. I didn’t have an answer. It was too hard to predict what I would do.

My phone blaring from the coffee table knocked me out of my thoughts as I nearly tripped over my own two feet to retrieve the device. “Hello?” I answered, praying the voice over the receiver wasn’t Niall’s. I didn’t have time to look at the caller ID when I answered it.

“Hello love.” I couldn’t help but smile and let out a sigh of relief when I heard the voice I was met with
.
“Hello Grimmy,” I replied.

“It’s so good to hear your voice again,” he said as I chuckled a little over the phone. It almost seemed like he missed me or something. At least someone hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Was there a reason you were calling or did you just want to hear my voice?” I said, not being able to hide the smile from my face, not that he could see it, but still.

“As lovely as it is to hear you are indeed alive and well----

“Hey!” I interrupted him, receiving laughter on the other end.

“You haven’t talked to anyone for days Lindsay. What did you expect people to think?” he asked. I pondered what he had just said for a moment. Did people really believe I was dead? I shook my head, thinking that it had to have been some stupid rumor in the One Direction fandom that spread like wildfire.

“Not too worry Nick, I’m alive. I’m not so sure about the ‘well’ part, but I’m alive,” I said, chuckling a little to lighten up the mood. I didn’t want him to worry about me. He had his own issues to deal with.

“I think I might have something that will cheer you up,” he said. As he said that, a look of confusion crossed my face. I frantically ran to open my front door, thinking he may have left something on my door step, but I was met with the man himself.

“Grimmy!” I shrieked a little, not expecting this appearance from him at all. “Please tell me you haven’t been standing outside my door throughout that conversation,” I said, giving him a sad look.

“I have, now if you could be so kind as to let me in than maybe I will be able to feel my body tomorrow,” I laughed, welcoming him into my empty apartment. It really was bare besides
the few necessary furniture items that were placed haphazardly around the room. As we sat down on my living room couch I realized he had brought me something.

“You brought me coffee?” I asked with a smile on my face. He nodded, returning me a smile.

“I did, peppermint hot chocolate, your favorite!” He beamed, seeming to be proud of himself that he remembered my favorite drink at Starbucks. As soon as I took a sip of the chocolaty-peppermint goodness, my body warmed up instantly. It felt nice.

“As much as I would like to think you came all the way over here to bring me coffee, I kind of doubt that’s the only reason you stopped by to visit,” I said looking over at him as I leaned back on the couch.

“You are right, my friend. I’m having a party tonight and figured I’d invite you. I mean, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn’t, right?” he said cheekily. I gave him a small smile, appreciating the gesture, but in all honesty I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the world yet. I guess he could tell I was anxious about it. He could read me like a book, and being friends for some time now didn’t help that fact. “Lindsay, I understand you might be nervous to get out and face the real world, but you’re never going to know if you’re really ready if you don’t try.”

I sighed, running my fingers through my long brown hair. “I’m afraid Nick. I’m afraid I’ll run into him.” I said it so softly I could barely hear myself. I looked at the clock on the wall, watching as the minutes passed by. I acted as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. I didn’t want to meet Nick’s gaze. If I did, I thought I would break. And I’ve already had too many sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, wishing he was sleeping beside me. This time it was his turn to sigh. He pulled me close to him as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I rested my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beat. It calmed me for some reason.

“Love, it’s perfectly okay for you to be scared, okay? I get why you would be. He left you without answers, and I’m sure you’re just as, if more, confused as the rest of us. We all just felt like getting out would do you some good. I’m sure being confined in this apartment hasn’t done anything for you.” I nodded against his chest, taking in every word he was saying.

“When you say ‘we’ who do you mean?” I asked as I looked up at him. I noticed there were still speckles of snow in his hair as I laughed to myself.

“Well, Harry, Louis, Zayn, Liam, Perrie, Eleanor and Danielle.” I didn’t expect him to say Niall, but for some reason I had a sliver of hope that he might. The fact that he didn’t broke my heart even more.

“I just; I want answers you know. I don’t understand why he left me. If he loved me, why did he leave? We loved each other. I thought he was the one. And I keep telling myself that another person will come along just like him, but I don’t know Nick. I’m so confused.” I confessed my feelings to him as tears slowly poured down my face. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. All of these emotions that have been pent up inside for a while came pouring out.

“And everyone thought you guys were going to get married. Everyone thought you guys were the perfect couple,” he said.

“Not helping,” I mumbled. He gave me a sympathetic look, and rubbed my back.

“I’m sorry love. I really truly am. Everyone hates the fact you’re heartbroken. People just want the old Lindsay back.” What was he talking about, the ‘old’ Lindsay? Was I really not the same person as when Niall and I were together? “I mean, ever since you moved out of Niall’s apartment and rented this one you haven’t stepped foot outside. It’s like your non-existent or something,” he explained. I was internally debating with myself on whether I should go to this party or not. If I went, my friends would hopefully stop worrying about me, but I would also have the chance of running into Niall. I know he would be there. He’s the social-king. I would be shocked to not see him there.

“I’ll go,” I told Nick. I said it before I was even processing what I was saying. It was too late to take it back now. I’ll go. Maybe I’ll have a good time. I kept repeating those phrases over and over again in my head, hoping that if I said them enough, they would come true.

“Looks like my work here is done!” he exclaimed, standing up. He seemed proud of himself for getting the answer he came here for. I wish all answers were as easy to receive as this one. “The party starts at 9 pm sharp, and you know where my house is so I don’t have to worry about giving you directions,” he said as he grinned at me.

“I’ll see you there Grimmy,” I said, as he pulled me into his embrace. He pulled away after a few minutes.

“I’m really happy you’ve decided to come and I’m sure everyone else will be just as excited to see you,” he said. It’s not that I didn’t believe him. I was still just a bit hesitant about the whole ordeal.

“I’m not so sure about everyone,” I mumbled under my breath, hoping he didn’t catch it.

“I heard that,” he smirked at me as I rolled my eyes back at him. “I’ll see you at the party Lindsay,” he said as he walked out in the frigid weather. I closed the door and closed my eyes. What was I getting myself into?

The party was in full swing when I pulled up by Nick’s house. As I saw all the people surrounding the outside I asked myself for what seemed like the millionth time that night why I had agreed to this, but I tried to keep a positive mindset, hoping this night wouldn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought. I managed to make my way through the crowds of people and into the massive house Nick had without falling. With how tall my heels were I surely would have thought I would have face-planted in his lawn, but luckily, that didn’t happen. I thought the shoes matched well with the short black dress I had on, and yes, I realized it was freezing outside but I figured if I was going to this thing why not go all out?

Harry was the first one that spotted me, his face lighting up as he made his way over. I stood there awkwardly, not sure if I should make my way towards him or wait until he came to me. Before I could make a decision, his arms were wrapped tightly around me as I returned his hug. As cheesy as it sounded, his hugs were the best. He practically squeezed you to death, but I didn’t mind. His embrace warmed me up instantly from the cold I was in moments ago.

“Hi,” he said, a smile lighting up his face. When I saw him smile I couldn’t help but smile back. It was contagious like that. “I’m really glad you could make it love. You have no idea how good it is to see you.”

“Thanks Harry. It’s good to see you too.” I told him honestly.

“You want to go see the others?” he asked as I shrugged. He didn’t really give me time to answer before he grabbed my hand, pulling me through people as we got to the kitchen. I instantly spotted all of them, talking amongst themselves with a drink in their hand. Although I’m pretty sure it was more like shouting since the music was so loud you could barely hear yourself think. He was still holding my hand as we joined them. I could tell they were all a little surprised to see me, but happy nonetheless. I went around the circle, hugging each of them. Luckily, Niall wasn’t anywhere in site. I was kind of happy that I didn’t have to face the awkward run in with him that I figured was bound to happen at one point or another throughout the night.

“How have you been babe?” Eleanor asked as everyone turned their attention to me, anxious as to what I had to say.

I shrugged, trying to play it off like I was doing alright, but I know they knew I was worse for wear. “I’ve been better, that’s for sure,” I laughed a little, not wanting to ruin their nights with stories about how my life has been since that night. Everyone gave me sympathetic looks not really knowing the right words to say, until, thankfully Grimmy spoke up telling everyone his surprise visit to me earlier today. The conversation wasn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be. It was like old times, and I hadn’t realized I missed it so much until this moment. No matter how hurt I was feeling on the inside, I couldn’t help but smile from the outside being able to see everyone. Louis pulled me aside, wanting to talk to me alone about something, which I agreed to. He pulled me outside, the back porch almost secluded compared to inside the house.

“I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk to anyone throughout the night or if you feel like you want to leave, I’m here. I’m designated driver for the night so I’ll be sober enough to talk,” he laughed as I laughed along with him. I pulled him into a hug.

“Thanks Louis,” I mumbled against his shirt. “That means a lot. It’s nice to see you guys still care.” He gave me a confused look.

“What do you mean by that Lindsay? We all love you regardless of what has happened and we always will.” I nodded so he would know that I was listening.

“I know, I guess I’ve just been over-thinking things recently,” I confessed to him.

“I understand love,” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. We fell into a comfortable silence, and even though it was pretty cold out here, it was way better than being inside. I looked out in the distance, noticing how Nick’s swimming pool had frozen over. I didn’t even notice another person was out here besides Louis and I until I saw someone peek out from behind a tree bark. Even though it was dark outside, I could still make out his features. I could spot him from a mile away. My heart picked up speed as my feet slowly started walking backwards. My mind wasn’t even processing what I was doing. It was like my body was doing the talking. Louis noticed my actions, giving me a quizzical look. “Lindsay, you okay?” I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t just stand here and wait for what might happen. I didn’t think he had seen me yet, so it was better to get away now. I couldn’t fathom what could have happened if he did see me. I decided to run and that is exactly what I did. I took my shoes off, knowing they would be impossible to run with them on. I darted out of that house as if my life depended on it. I knew people were staring, but I didn’t care. I ignored the calling of my name by my friends. I ignored everything and ran. I didn’t even know where I was going until I had to stop to catch my breath. As I regained my composure, I took my bearings in. Even though I had stopped running, my heart continued to race. I didn’t know if it was because I hadn’t ran like that in what felt like forever or where I was at. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to maintain my breathing. My whole body was shaking violently as I sat down on the bench. It wasn’t just any bench either. It was THE bench; the bench that we would always go back to when we needed some peace. We didn’t have to tell each other where we were going because we both knew where to find each other, at this bench; this bench that is usually surrounded with thousands of beautiful flowers. The flowers were all dead, a blanket of snow covering where they usually bloomed. The irony of it was kind of funny actually. This was the bench where we shared our first kiss at and many more after that. The surrounding scene was beautiful in its own way though. I closed my eyes, trying to process what had just happened. I somewhat regained my composure, standing up to walk back to my car, but stopped as I heard him call my name.

“Lindsay?” he asked hesitantly. Oh my god, what was he doing here? I definitely couldn’t run now. I had to face him, as much as I didn’t want to. I needed to find the courage to tell him everything I had been feeling these past couple of weeks. I guess it was now or never, right? I turned around, his icy blue eyes meeting mine. Although he wasn’t standing close to me, I could still make out the color of them from a distance. They were always so vibrant; however, they were almost dull and lifeless as I stared back at him. I’m almost positive mine were just as dull as his was. As I looked at him and the place we were at, I couldn’t help but think of the time when we first kissed, the moment lingering in my mind as if it were yesterday.

Flashback:
“Niall!” I laughed, “put me down!” I exclaimed pounding my fists into his back. No matter how hard I tried to get away, he didn’t let go, his laughter filling the spring air. “At least tell me where you’re taking me!” I said, laughing still.

“You’ll see in a moment love.” I waited patiently to arrive to our destination. I had no idea where we were, but I trusted him. He soon set me down in front of him. I looked up into his blue eyes. I got so lost in them that I didn’t even realize the scenery that was surrounding us. Niall smiled at me. “Turn around babe.” I did as he told. I gasped, not believing that something so beautiful could even exist. The field we were currently standing in was surrounded with colored flowers, and I noticed a small wooden bench to our left.

“Niall, it’s so beautiful. Where did you find this place?” I asked as I felt his arms wrap around me from behind.

“I wasn’t searching for it, it’s like it found me. This is the place I always go to when I need to get away from everything. It’s so peaceful. I feel as if something beautiful is going to take place here. I don’t really know what or when. I just feel it’s too beautiful of a place to not create memories in.” I turned around in his embrace as we walked hand in hand to the small wooden bench. We both sat down, taking in the breathtaking scenery that surrounded us. It was then that Niall said something that I hadn’t expected to hear. “I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered in my ear. I looked up into those icy blue eyes of his. We stared at each other for a moment, taking in every feature of each other as he slowly leaned down until our lips met. I’ve kissed other guys before; however, kissing Niall was magical. Kind of like this place was in a way. Fireworks went off in my head as butterflies exploded in my stomach. I knew at that moment that I never wanted to stop kissing him. I never wanted to kiss another boy. He was the one.

“Lindsay!” Niall’s voice snapped me back to reality.

“Sorry, I was thinking.” I said it so softly that I wasn’t even sure he could hear me. “How did you find me?” I asked the question before even registering what I was asking. He scoffed, shaking his head.

“You’re really asking me that?” he asked. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or how he was feeling, but I could tell he sounded hurt by my question. “Can we talk?” I ran my fingers through my hair sitting back down on the bench. I waited for him to approach me. He took off his jacket before sitting down. “Here,” he draped the jacket over my shoulders and although I wasn’t sure what the gesture meant, I was grateful to have some type of warmth, no matter if it was Niall’s jacket or not. He sighed. It was easy to spot his breath in the cold night’s air. “I’m sorry.” He said the two words I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to hear him say. I didn’t know what to say back so just sat there in silence, wondering if he was going to continue talking. “Are you going to say anything?” he asked. I turned to look at him.

“I don’t really know what to say Niall. I….” I sighed as I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I was trying so hard to hold it together. I didn’t want him to see me break. I didn’t want him to see just how much this has affected me when in reality, it has. For a moment, I thought there could be another guy for me like him, but I soon came to realize that there would never be another guy like Niall. There would never be another guy that could replace Niall. He broke my heart, yet my feelings for him were still as strong as ever. I still had tons of questions lingering in the back of my mind; however, I couldn’t find the words to say them. I sighed again, wiping a single tear that ended up falling down my face. “If you loved me, why’d you leave me?” I asked. I didn’t dare look at him. I just sat there waiting for his response, if he was going to respond that is.

“I was scared Lindsay. I was scared of the possibility of falling in love. I’ve never experienced it before and it scared me. I knew I was in love with you and before things got any deeper than they already were I decided the best plausible thing to do was to run. Run away from my problems, thinking that that was the best solution. After I did though, I soon realized that was probably the most stupidest thing I could have ever done,” he said. His voice cracked at the end, and I could tell he was trying hard to keep his emotions in check as well. “Because I had lost the one person in my life that made me the happiest. I had lost the one person who made me feel like I was the luckiest guy in the world.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling now, and I didn’t even care at this point. He was giving me answers, which is all I’ve been wanting from him.

“I would have caught you, you know?” I said, looking into his eyes that were also full of tears.

“I know that now,” he said wiping the tears that were freely falling down his cheeks. “I know I don’t deserve another chance Linds, I know I don’t. But I’ve realized these past couple of weeks that living without you is hell. I can’t stand it, so if you would be willing, please, give me another chance?” he asked. I sat there for a moment, taking in everything he had just said. I don’t even know why I was actually contemplating taking him back. In these past couple of weeks, I had also realized that I couldn’t live without him. This was the moment I was waiting for. The moment I said yes to giving him another chance.

“I would be very stupid for not giving you that second chance, now would I?” I asked, a smile appearing on my face for the first time since we saw each other tonight. He smiled back at me, leaning down, capturing his lips with mine. We both couldn’t help but smile in the kiss. We were elated to be back in each other’s arms. It was where we belonged. He picked me up as I wrapped my legs around his waist as we continued kissing. He spun me around as our laughter filled the air. It was then I realized that love was the missing puzzle piece that was lost in my life when he wasn’t there. As cheesy as it sounds, I was ecstatic to have found it again. Falling in love can be a scary feeling. However, when you finally do, it’s nothing short of magical.