Status: Hi! This is one of seven one shots called "Jack Shots" I'm writing this week. :)
Letters From Hollin
One of One
December 14, 2009
Dear Jack;
I think my dad really thinks I’m stupid. I think he thinks that I don’t know what cancer is and that my mom is dying. He’s constantly telling me there’s no reason for me to go to school because I can’t pass anything and that I’m not going to graduate and he told me today that he’s no longer paying for my college education. I guess I will never become a preschool teacher because my dad’s a fucking douche. If he knew that I sent these letters to you, and I have enough money saved to get to Baltimore next year, he’d kill me. He thinks I’m going to stick around Indiana and be his slave for the rest of my life. I refuse to, Jack. He’s a fucking dick face. I love you so much for just giving me a place to escape. Honestly, you and my mom are the only two people who love me for me. I can’t ever thank you enough for that and I can’t wait to raise our little peanut together.
Love Your Girlfriend,
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer.
I smiled, setting down the letter. It’d been just over six months since Hollin had passed away, and while it still killed me on the inside, I couldn’t go on moping around because of it. Our little peanut, now known as Noah Asher Barakat, was going on 5 now. He (along with his 16 month old brother Maverick Jace Barakat) was currently at his grandmother’s house watching Mickey Mouse Club House and drinking apple juice while I sat in the middle of me and Hollin’s room trying to pack for the impending move from the tiny apartment to house four blocks north. I, of course had come across the shoe box that I kept all of Hollin’s letters, Noah’s ultrasounds and the first pictures she’d sent me of him. Sighing with a small smile still on my lips, I picked up the next letter.
January 20, 2010.
Jackary;
It’s a….boy! Yes, Mr. Barakat, you are going to be the father of a beautiful baby boy! Like we discussed, Barakat, if it was a boy I would be naming him, and I’ve had his name picked out since my sophomore year of high school. Your son’s name will be……*drum roll*……NOAH ASHER BARAKAT. Noah is after my twin brother, who died last year, and Asher is after my grandfather. Of course if we were to have a second child and it also be a boy, you would get the naming honors :-). Yes, This could be longer, however, I am late for class now.
Love your girlfriend (and Noah)
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer.
February 14, 2010.
Dearest Jack Bassam Barakat,
I, Lady Hollin Grace Mayer, age 21 of Indianapolis, am requesting that you, Sir Jack Bassam Barakat, get your bloody arse to Indiana because my mother just passed away. Yes, I’m emailing this one to you (but I know you’ll print it off!) so you’ll get it right away. My mother lost her battle with cancer at 4:21am this morning. I cried, a lot. I wished it was me that was taken instead of her. I wished she could have met her grandson, who she was so excited about. It was like Noah sensed something was wrong because he hasn’t kicked much today, either. I don’t think that at this point, I could go through with the funeral by myself, and that is why I am requesting you come, just for moral support (also you can see how fat I’ve gotten because of you, and see Noah’s nursery and depending how long you plan on staying, you can attend the baby shower I don’t even want. Yes, so, I have to go get my mom’s dress from the cleaner’s. I love you Jack. So fucking much.
Love Your Girlfriend (and son)
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer
I had to wipe a tear from my eye, because she’d been so heart broken when her mom died, and she didn’t know that the same cancer would take her two years later. Yes, that was the last letter Hollin wrote me, because after witnessing how her dad treated her at home, I got her out of there. If you’re wondering, yes, I did fly out to Indiana. I held her hand through it all. I even spoke at the funeral. Yes, I did stay long enough for the baby shower (some of the clothes we saved and used for Maverick.) As for the nursery, it was painted bright blue, and had a sailor theme sort of. There were Sailboats everywhere, which makes sense because Noah loves to be in the water now, and I feel like Hollin probably had something to do with that. Even now, I can still remember the cold stare her dad gave me at her mom’s funeral, and how she’d hardly shed a tear last year when he’d drank himself to death. When I’d found out I was having a boy, I’d ran out of my bedroom at my parents house screaming “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” and they’d fallen in love with the name right away. Now, a few years later, I lay awake at night and wonder if it’d be easier if Hollin were still around. Yes, probably, but my mom and dad and sister help a lot. Joe isn’t around much so they don’t see him as often as they see May. I looked down into the box and found a blue piece of paper. I lifted it up to find messy handwriting in black crayon.
March 10, 2015
Dear Mommy.
Today Daddy and Grandma told me that you went away for a long time. When I asked Daddy when you would be back, he started to cry. I don’t like when Daddy cries because it makes me feel like crying. I went into Maverick’s room and played trucks with him until Grandpa came up and took him downstairs and Daddy came up and sat beside me. Daddy told me that you went to sleep for a long time and that you were with God and his angels now. I asked Daddy why you had to go see God and his angels and he told me that God wanted you to be one of his angels but that you wouldn’t go because you wanted to be with me and Mavie until you really had to go. He told me that even though you’re with God and his angels you’re always going to be with me and Mavie in our hearts and that you’ll always protect us. I started to cry because I miss you Mommy. I wish God didn’t take you away from me and I feel angry and sad. Mommy why did this have to happen.
I love you mommy.
Noah
I couldn’t control my sobbing anymore and dropped the letter. I hadn’t even known he had a vocabulary like that, or that he had written it all down. He could describe that day so vividly, but isn’t that how a childs mind works? I looked at the clock, noticing it was near seven and I should go pick up the boys. I grabbed my hoodie and my keys from the table on my way out and smiled to myself. The drive wasn’t too long, and I soon had both boys in my backseat driving towards the graveyard.
“Daddy, where are we going?” Noah asked me.
“We’re going to go visit Mommy.” I said, turning into the cemetery and stopping in front of the grave stone that said “Hollin Grace Barakat. May 18 1987 – March 10, 2015. Mother of Noah Asher and Maverick Jace. Wife of Jack. Forever and Ever and Ever”
“Noah.” I said, standing in front of him, and getting on his level. “I found your letter to Mommy.”
“Oh” he said quietly.
“Honey, it’s a good thing. How would you like to give your letter to Mommy?” I said. Picking up the folded piece of paper.
“Yeah.” He said. Taking it from me. I found a couple big rocks, and had him lay it in front Hollin’s stone, then placed the rocks on either side holding it down. I saw him glancing sadly at the stone and I adjusted Maverick on my hip, trying to read his expression better.
“Noah.” I whispered, knowing that he was crying. “Noah baby, it’s okay to cry. Daddy cried a lot today. Mommy may not be with us right now, but someday, we’re all going to be up with God and his angels and we’re going to see Mommy again.”
“Promise?” he said.
“I promise.” I said and pulled him against me, because times like this, all I really need is a hug from my boys.
Dear Jack;
I think my dad really thinks I’m stupid. I think he thinks that I don’t know what cancer is and that my mom is dying. He’s constantly telling me there’s no reason for me to go to school because I can’t pass anything and that I’m not going to graduate and he told me today that he’s no longer paying for my college education. I guess I will never become a preschool teacher because my dad’s a fucking douche. If he knew that I sent these letters to you, and I have enough money saved to get to Baltimore next year, he’d kill me. He thinks I’m going to stick around Indiana and be his slave for the rest of my life. I refuse to, Jack. He’s a fucking dick face. I love you so much for just giving me a place to escape. Honestly, you and my mom are the only two people who love me for me. I can’t ever thank you enough for that and I can’t wait to raise our little peanut together.
Love Your Girlfriend,
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer.
I smiled, setting down the letter. It’d been just over six months since Hollin had passed away, and while it still killed me on the inside, I couldn’t go on moping around because of it. Our little peanut, now known as Noah Asher Barakat, was going on 5 now. He (along with his 16 month old brother Maverick Jace Barakat) was currently at his grandmother’s house watching Mickey Mouse Club House and drinking apple juice while I sat in the middle of me and Hollin’s room trying to pack for the impending move from the tiny apartment to house four blocks north. I, of course had come across the shoe box that I kept all of Hollin’s letters, Noah’s ultrasounds and the first pictures she’d sent me of him. Sighing with a small smile still on my lips, I picked up the next letter.
January 20, 2010.
Jackary;
It’s a….boy! Yes, Mr. Barakat, you are going to be the father of a beautiful baby boy! Like we discussed, Barakat, if it was a boy I would be naming him, and I’ve had his name picked out since my sophomore year of high school. Your son’s name will be……*drum roll*……NOAH ASHER BARAKAT. Noah is after my twin brother, who died last year, and Asher is after my grandfather. Of course if we were to have a second child and it also be a boy, you would get the naming honors :-). Yes, This could be longer, however, I am late for class now.
Love your girlfriend (and Noah)
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer.
February 14, 2010.
Dearest Jack Bassam Barakat,
I, Lady Hollin Grace Mayer, age 21 of Indianapolis, am requesting that you, Sir Jack Bassam Barakat, get your bloody arse to Indiana because my mother just passed away. Yes, I’m emailing this one to you (but I know you’ll print it off!) so you’ll get it right away. My mother lost her battle with cancer at 4:21am this morning. I cried, a lot. I wished it was me that was taken instead of her. I wished she could have met her grandson, who she was so excited about. It was like Noah sensed something was wrong because he hasn’t kicked much today, either. I don’t think that at this point, I could go through with the funeral by myself, and that is why I am requesting you come, just for moral support (also you can see how fat I’ve gotten because of you, and see Noah’s nursery and depending how long you plan on staying, you can attend the baby shower I don’t even want. Yes, so, I have to go get my mom’s dress from the cleaner’s. I love you Jack. So fucking much.
Love Your Girlfriend (and son)
Hollin Grace Yvonne Mayer
I had to wipe a tear from my eye, because she’d been so heart broken when her mom died, and she didn’t know that the same cancer would take her two years later. Yes, that was the last letter Hollin wrote me, because after witnessing how her dad treated her at home, I got her out of there. If you’re wondering, yes, I did fly out to Indiana. I held her hand through it all. I even spoke at the funeral. Yes, I did stay long enough for the baby shower (some of the clothes we saved and used for Maverick.) As for the nursery, it was painted bright blue, and had a sailor theme sort of. There were Sailboats everywhere, which makes sense because Noah loves to be in the water now, and I feel like Hollin probably had something to do with that. Even now, I can still remember the cold stare her dad gave me at her mom’s funeral, and how she’d hardly shed a tear last year when he’d drank himself to death. When I’d found out I was having a boy, I’d ran out of my bedroom at my parents house screaming “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” and they’d fallen in love with the name right away. Now, a few years later, I lay awake at night and wonder if it’d be easier if Hollin were still around. Yes, probably, but my mom and dad and sister help a lot. Joe isn’t around much so they don’t see him as often as they see May. I looked down into the box and found a blue piece of paper. I lifted it up to find messy handwriting in black crayon.
March 10, 2015
Dear Mommy.
Today Daddy and Grandma told me that you went away for a long time. When I asked Daddy when you would be back, he started to cry. I don’t like when Daddy cries because it makes me feel like crying. I went into Maverick’s room and played trucks with him until Grandpa came up and took him downstairs and Daddy came up and sat beside me. Daddy told me that you went to sleep for a long time and that you were with God and his angels now. I asked Daddy why you had to go see God and his angels and he told me that God wanted you to be one of his angels but that you wouldn’t go because you wanted to be with me and Mavie until you really had to go. He told me that even though you’re with God and his angels you’re always going to be with me and Mavie in our hearts and that you’ll always protect us. I started to cry because I miss you Mommy. I wish God didn’t take you away from me and I feel angry and sad. Mommy why did this have to happen.
I love you mommy.
Noah
I couldn’t control my sobbing anymore and dropped the letter. I hadn’t even known he had a vocabulary like that, or that he had written it all down. He could describe that day so vividly, but isn’t that how a childs mind works? I looked at the clock, noticing it was near seven and I should go pick up the boys. I grabbed my hoodie and my keys from the table on my way out and smiled to myself. The drive wasn’t too long, and I soon had both boys in my backseat driving towards the graveyard.
“Daddy, where are we going?” Noah asked me.
“We’re going to go visit Mommy.” I said, turning into the cemetery and stopping in front of the grave stone that said “Hollin Grace Barakat. May 18 1987 – March 10, 2015. Mother of Noah Asher and Maverick Jace. Wife of Jack. Forever and Ever and Ever”
“Noah.” I said, standing in front of him, and getting on his level. “I found your letter to Mommy.”
“Oh” he said quietly.
“Honey, it’s a good thing. How would you like to give your letter to Mommy?” I said. Picking up the folded piece of paper.
“Yeah.” He said. Taking it from me. I found a couple big rocks, and had him lay it in front Hollin’s stone, then placed the rocks on either side holding it down. I saw him glancing sadly at the stone and I adjusted Maverick on my hip, trying to read his expression better.
“Noah.” I whispered, knowing that he was crying. “Noah baby, it’s okay to cry. Daddy cried a lot today. Mommy may not be with us right now, but someday, we’re all going to be up with God and his angels and we’re going to see Mommy again.”
“Promise?” he said.
“I promise.” I said and pulled him against me, because times like this, all I really need is a hug from my boys.