Wishing We Could Start Again.

Alex POV:

I was laying on the floor in the middle of the living room, facing the ceiling. The room was spinning so I closed my eyes.

Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard Jack’s voice echo through the house. “ALEX!? Alex where are you?” I could clearly hear the panic in his voice and I slowly opened my eyes. “Jack?” I said, my voice nothing more than a miserable squeak. “Alex?” I heard Jack enter the living room again, after probably checking the kitchen or something, he probably hadn’t seen me the first time since I was mostly hidden behind the big couch. I could hear his come closer, his footsteps louder with every step. When he finally spotted me on the floor the footsteps turned into running.

“Fuck. Al, can you hear me?” His voice was frantic as he kneeled down beside me. I tried to sit up and after a short struggle and a little help from Jack I finally managed to do so. I blinked a few times and stared at Jack’s face with a blank expression on my face.

“Jack? What are you doing here?” I half muttered/half slurred. His eyes widened in a mix of surprise and fear. “You... you called, like 20 minutes ago. Don’t you remember?” I shook my head, I didn’t remember anything except that stupid letter. “I did?” I mumbled, not sure if the words were directed to Jack or to myself. “YES! Yes, you did! Don’t you remember. You said something about a letter.” His voice sounded higher than normal and it looked like he wanted to shake some sense into me.

“The letter...” I said, my voice growing dark. “She... She wrote a letter... was for me.... She....” I slurred, I wasn’t ever sure what I was saying made sense to Jack, so I pointed at the piece of paper on the table. Jack helped me lay down on the couch, he sat down on the other couch and started reading. The last thing I heard him say was “Fuck, I’m so sorry Alex.” before falling asleep.

------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes again was a small, red, plastic toy car. I sat up carefully and realized I’d apparently fallen asleep on the couch last night. I sudden snore made me jump. I turned my head and saw Jack asleep in my other couch. Before I could even wonder about what happened last night a sharp jab of pain flashed through my head. I buried my face in my hand, trying not to move as the headache faded to a minor throbbing.

I heard sounds coming from the kitchen I carefully got up to check, taking the little car with me. I stumbled into the kitchen and immediately got hit by the smell of pancakes. “Oh, good morning Alex.” I smiled when I saw Mandy standing in front of the stove making a stack of pancakes for Ben, who was playing with his car at the kitchen table. “Morning Mandy, morning Ben.” I greeted them. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what are you all doing in my house at...” ,I looked at the clock, “8.30 in the morning?”

Mandy’s smiled faltered a little. “Ben sweetie, why don’t you go wake up daddy?” Ben nodded and hurried into the living room to wake up Jack. “You don’t remember what happened this morning?” Mandy asked as soon as Ben was out of the room. “Not really....” I admitted sheepishly. Mandy sighed. “You called Jack this earlier morning. You were completely smashed, something about a letter. Jack came as fast as he could and found you nearly passed out behind the couch. Ben and I came over a few hours later, Ben wanted to make pancakes for Jack.” Her smiled grew a little again at the last part.

Suddenly the events of last night came rushing back to me. The letter, the drinking, the phone call, jack coming over, the clear panic in his voice. I buried my face in my heads again, but this time out of shame. How could I have let myself slip like that? Why hadn’t I got rid of all the booze when I had the chance? “Alex?” Mandy said in a soft voice as she carefully placed her hand on my shoulder. She was about to say something, but we got interrupted by an angry looking Jack entering the kitchen.

“We need to talk.” Was all he said, before walking back to the living room and outside to the backyard. I quietly followed him. Once the backdoor was closed he exploded. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!” He bellowed. “Have you lost your fucking mind!? What were you thinking!? Are you trying to kill yourself? Is that it?”

I’d rarely seen Jack this angry and upset. I know I’d upset him and I wanted to explain what happened and tell him I was sorry, but all I did was stand there like a little kid getting lectured by his parents.

Finally Jack stop screaming and looked at me. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled. Jack looked at me and shook his head. “Fucking hell Alex.” He mumbled and went back inside. I stood in the backyard for a minute, not sure what to do. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned and saw Mandy standing behind me, a sad smile on her face. “He’s just worried about you.” She said kindly. “We all are. We love you Alex and we don’t want to lose you.” “I know, I know.” I said. “ I just.... I don’t....” I sighed, not really sure what I was trying to say in the first place.

“I just... I miss her.” I said finally. Mandy nodded. “I know you do and it kills me to see you hurting like this Alex. You’re one of my best friends and thanks to you I finally have the life I’ve always wanted for Ben and myself. I really wish there was something I could do.” I shook my head. “You don’t owe me anything Mandy. You deserve to be happy.” Mandy hugged me. “So do you Alex.”

I pulled back from our hug, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “Let’s get back inside, I hope you saved me some pancakes.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------

After breakfast Jack pulled me aside again. “Alex, I’m sorry for snapping at you like that. I just... I’m worried about you man.” I patted his shoulder. “I know man and I really am sorry, but you had every right to snap at me. I’m surprised the only thing you did was scream, I’d been expecting at least a few good punches.” I joked. “I can still do that.” He joked back. Then his tone turned serious again. “But seriously man, are you sure you’re okay? I mean, wouldn’t it maybe be an idea to.... you know... go back for a while?” He asked carefully.

“NO! No, I’m not going back there Jack. I... I can’t.... everything there would just remind me of her. Please don’t make me.” I begged, fully realizing how pathetic I sounded. Jack nodded. “I won’t, but I might change my mind if it happens again.” He warned. “I know.” I said.

I never wanted to go back to rehab ever again, ever! I’d learned my lesson, last night had been nothing but a moment of desperation. I know drinking my problems away won’t solve anything... so this time I was going to try a different approach.