What's So Good About Picking Up the Pieces ?
This Love Was Out of Control....
I woke up on Monday morning with no desire to even be breathing. I didn’t even feel sad, I just felt….empty. Utterly devoid of emotion, drained….Still, I had a job to do. I hopped in the shower, washing all of my smeared makeup off and shampooing my greasy hair. I hadn’t eaten in two days, yet I still wasn’t hungry. I didn’t really feel like I could eat anything today either, to be honest. I threw my hair up in a ponytail and slipped on my clean scrubs. I looked in the mirror- I looked fine, like a normal, healthy, fresh-faced young nurse. But looks can be deceiving- people’s insides tell a whole other story.
The day was strange, I was usually always talking to Vic or communicating with him somehow…It was odd to think that I wouldn’t be hanging out with him after work. It would be the first time in months…I threw myself into my work to keep myself from going insane. I felt proud of myself, I was doing a damn good job of faking that I was alright. My fake smile almost fooled myself.
But when I got home, it really hit me, and then the tears came. I cried for hours, and the only reason I stopped was because I was literally burnt out. I drank some tea, then just sat hopelessly in my room.
Day one without Vic ended with me crying myself to sleep.
I woke up shuddering from a nightmare, and my first thought was to reach over for Vic. But then reality set in, and I recognized how alone I was. What if tonight was the night that I had had that really bad panic attack ? I could die here alone in my house, and no one would ever find me. I also realized that my anxiety would probably come back full force, along with my nightmares and flashbacks. And maybe even my blackouts. I thought about calling Shay, but I honestly didn’t feel like explaining what had happened between me and Vic, partly because I didn’t really know the answer myself. Shay was the kind of person who had to dissect things that happened, so she would ask for all the details and go on and on, until she came up with some lame-ass conclusion that didn’t even make sense.
But then again, I could really use a friend.
No. I don’t need a friend. I need Vic. It’s been one day and I’m already falling apart without him. He probably doesn’t even miss me at all…How do people do it ? How do they go through heartbreak and just move on ?
All week I went through the same routine; go to work and fake a smile, then come home and sit around until I cried myself to sleep and inevitably wake up from a nightmare. My nightmares differed now, sometimes they included Vic, and sometimes they were just the same old ones. I would barely eat, maybe every three days or so, because I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. At first, I would attempt to force something down, but I would always throw it up. I knew this wasn’t healthy, I knew I had to eat, but I never had an appetite. That’s why I never had any energy; I barely slept and I barely ate. I was literally falling apart.
Vic’s POV
My life started to fall to pieces after that night. I would forget to eat if my band-mates didn’t remind me, I never slept, and I couldn’t write for shit. Luckily our new album was already written…I couldn’t wait to go on tour, it would get my mind off things and I wouldn’t have time to think about her. I also honestly couldn’t wait to leave this beach house. I spent too much time just staring out the window at Chesney’s house when I told the guys I was ‘writing’. They didn’t mention her, and I didn’t either. We avoided the subject completely, and when I was around them I acted fine. I didn’t know if they suspected otherwise, but I was doing the best that I could. It was crazy how much my life revolved around her, how much I depended on her. She was essentially my whole world, and I had let her slip away. It was too late to repair things now, I was going on tour in less than a week.
All around the country.
After we left South Carolina, I spent my days practicing, hanging with the guys(or other bands), or performing. It was almost like my life used to be, except I couldn’t just pretend she had never existed. That would be like pretending that I wasn’t hopelessly in love with her and missing her like crazy. I had thought wrong, she was still always on my mind. Twenty-four seven, in the back of my head during every song, especially Caraphernelia. Whenever I did sleep, all I dreamt about was her. Her with other guys, her happy without me, her completely fine with our break up. I couldn’t imagine what she felt like. I knew all about her past and she knew about mine, but we both handled grief differently. For me, it definitely brought back my anxiety disorder, and I had to take my pills twice a day now, just to make it through without having a breakdown. Sometimes, I honestly feared I would snap and just take the whole bottle.
That’s why I wished that someone knew what I was going through right now….so someone could save me if I did.
The day was strange, I was usually always talking to Vic or communicating with him somehow…It was odd to think that I wouldn’t be hanging out with him after work. It would be the first time in months…I threw myself into my work to keep myself from going insane. I felt proud of myself, I was doing a damn good job of faking that I was alright. My fake smile almost fooled myself.
But when I got home, it really hit me, and then the tears came. I cried for hours, and the only reason I stopped was because I was literally burnt out. I drank some tea, then just sat hopelessly in my room.
Day one without Vic ended with me crying myself to sleep.
I woke up shuddering from a nightmare, and my first thought was to reach over for Vic. But then reality set in, and I recognized how alone I was. What if tonight was the night that I had had that really bad panic attack ? I could die here alone in my house, and no one would ever find me. I also realized that my anxiety would probably come back full force, along with my nightmares and flashbacks. And maybe even my blackouts. I thought about calling Shay, but I honestly didn’t feel like explaining what had happened between me and Vic, partly because I didn’t really know the answer myself. Shay was the kind of person who had to dissect things that happened, so she would ask for all the details and go on and on, until she came up with some lame-ass conclusion that didn’t even make sense.
But then again, I could really use a friend.
No. I don’t need a friend. I need Vic. It’s been one day and I’m already falling apart without him. He probably doesn’t even miss me at all…How do people do it ? How do they go through heartbreak and just move on ?
All week I went through the same routine; go to work and fake a smile, then come home and sit around until I cried myself to sleep and inevitably wake up from a nightmare. My nightmares differed now, sometimes they included Vic, and sometimes they were just the same old ones. I would barely eat, maybe every three days or so, because I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. At first, I would attempt to force something down, but I would always throw it up. I knew this wasn’t healthy, I knew I had to eat, but I never had an appetite. That’s why I never had any energy; I barely slept and I barely ate. I was literally falling apart.
Vic’s POV
My life started to fall to pieces after that night. I would forget to eat if my band-mates didn’t remind me, I never slept, and I couldn’t write for shit. Luckily our new album was already written…I couldn’t wait to go on tour, it would get my mind off things and I wouldn’t have time to think about her. I also honestly couldn’t wait to leave this beach house. I spent too much time just staring out the window at Chesney’s house when I told the guys I was ‘writing’. They didn’t mention her, and I didn’t either. We avoided the subject completely, and when I was around them I acted fine. I didn’t know if they suspected otherwise, but I was doing the best that I could. It was crazy how much my life revolved around her, how much I depended on her. She was essentially my whole world, and I had let her slip away. It was too late to repair things now, I was going on tour in less than a week.
All around the country.
After we left South Carolina, I spent my days practicing, hanging with the guys(or other bands), or performing. It was almost like my life used to be, except I couldn’t just pretend she had never existed. That would be like pretending that I wasn’t hopelessly in love with her and missing her like crazy. I had thought wrong, she was still always on my mind. Twenty-four seven, in the back of my head during every song, especially Caraphernelia. Whenever I did sleep, all I dreamt about was her. Her with other guys, her happy without me, her completely fine with our break up. I couldn’t imagine what she felt like. I knew all about her past and she knew about mine, but we both handled grief differently. For me, it definitely brought back my anxiety disorder, and I had to take my pills twice a day now, just to make it through without having a breakdown. Sometimes, I honestly feared I would snap and just take the whole bottle.
That’s why I wished that someone knew what I was going through right now….so someone could save me if I did.