A Lie Too Late

“I love you.”
The words kept swimming in my head, unable to make sense. It refused to make sense.
But…why?
Josh was this amazing human being; he was perfect in my eyes and was fucking adorable.
He was incredibly important to me; I had fallen in love with him, practically the moment we met.
I didn’t keep try to hope though; why would someone as wonderful as him ever fall for me?
I’m desperately pathetic and worthless.
I’m nothing special to look at; I’m just a little fun to pass the time. There was nothing great about me.
Love.
It was a pitiful word, whenever it was used on me. I had experienced love and heartbreak before.
It had been used by my parents before, and look where that ended up?
I’ll admit, I don’t recall my father telling me he loves me…but my mother did. She said it.
The last time she said it was…when she left.
It sent me into full panic-mode, suddenly thinking Josh was about to walk out of my life.
“Oli, are you okay?” Josh asked, rubbing my shoulder.
Shaking my head, I tried to concentrate on breathing. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t leaving.
“Oli, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t. Leave. Me.’ I choked out, between strangled gasps for air.
“Love, I’m not going anywhere.” Josh promised, kissing my forehead. “I wouldn’t leave you.”
He opened his arms, wrapping me inside.
It was comforting; bringing a sense of warmth and protection. He wasn’t leaving me.
“Why would you think I’d leave you?” Josh cooed, rubbing my back in slow circle motions.
“Because…” I paused.
I wasn’t about to tell him about my mother. I wasn’t about to tell him about my parents.
He wouldn’t understand.
He had a perfect family, and a perfect life. He wouldn’t understand the choking heartbreak.
“You can tell me.” Josh promised, facing me.
Every time he touched me, a shot of pain ran through me. I was covered in fresh bruises.
I didn’t want to sit up.
I wanted to drown in the river; sink into the sandy bottom and breathe in the cold water.
“N-no, I can’t…” I stuttered, tears welling.
“Love, what happened? Something happened the last week, and I want to know. I want to help you.”
“Y-you can’t.” I mumbled, feeling my face flare as I started stuttering on my words.
I was afraid.
What if he got mad about the stuttering and hurt me too?
No.
Don’t think like that, Oli. Josh isn’t like him…he’s different. He cares. He actually loves you.
Love.
“W-why do you love me?” I asked, in a soft voice.
“Why?”
“Yes.” I sniffled, curling into a little ball again. The movement hurt, but I wanted to retract into myself.
“Oh, love…” Josh laughed, locking eyes with me. “You are the greatest thing that’s happened to me. You’re so soft-spoken and quiet; it draws me in and I want to find out more about you. You have such a sweet little smile and beautiful eyes.
You’re talented in you’re writing, and always know just what to say. You care about me.
Even when I’m sick and dying, you risk your health to take care of me and cuddle. You’re such a hopeless romantic too.
You actually think out what we could do on our dates, instead of a stereotypical movie.
You pretend to find my jokes funny and tolerate my singing. I feel like I could talk for hours with you and I can trust you with anything. You’re always showing me you care with simple little gestures. There’s nothing I would rather do than be in your arms and watch a movie in my room. Nowhere I’d rather be than alone with you.”
“Josh…”
“Love, I could go on forever. You mean a lot to me, and I’m in love with you. I couldn’t be without you.”
“Josh…”
“Now, tell me what’s wrong. You know you can trust me with anything. I would never turn my back or judge, alright? If you don’t believe me, then I must be doing something wrong, because I care.”
“Thanks.” I mumbled, smiling softly.
“I’m glad I could make you smile.” Josh whispered, wrapping his arms around me. “I hate seeing you so upset.”
“I know.”
“Are you going to tell me?”
He didn’t seem impatient. The complete opposite, actually. His voice was understanding.
“Yeah…” I trailed off, thinking.
Was I really going to tell him? What would happen if I told him, though? Would he tell anyone?
What if he went to the police?
As much as I hated being with my father, I didn’t want to be taken away. I was about to graduate.
In a couple months, I would be gone.
I could leave legally, and be problem-free. He could drink himself dead for all I cared.
I couldn’t tell him.
I don’t care how much I trusted him, I wasn’t about to tell him. He didn’t need to know.
Instead, I pulled back and faced him.
“Oli?”
“Just a minute…” I breathed, rolling up my sleeves.
Even though he had already left a kiss on them, I didn’t really let him take a long look.
“I just wanted the numb inside me to leave. No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.” I whispered. “Even Hell can get comfy once you’ve settled in.”
“Don’t let it take control…” Josh attempted, kissing my forehead.
“I just want it to end…”
“It will.” Josh promised, taking my hand. “I’m always going to be here for you, so you don’t feel alone.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I just want to end it all; I want to stop feeling. I want the pain to end – I just want to die.”
“No, Oli.” Josh murmured frantically. “You don’t mean that, Love. You don’t mean that.”
“You don’t understand.” I laughed emotionlessly. “You have such a perfect life, you don’t understand what it’s like to hate yourself. You have no idea what it’s like to be consumed by this monster. The only way you can shut it up, is by hurting yourself. The only way you can make it go away…is by ending it. You don’t understand!”
He kept silent, looking hurt.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Great.
All I’m good at is fucking things up.
“No, it’s okay.” Josh assured. “I know what you mean; I don’t understand. That doesn’t mean I don’t care. That doesn’t mean I won’t help you.”
“What did I do…?” I wondered.
“What do you mean?” Josh asked, seeming confused.
“How the hell did I end up with someone was loving and wonderful as you?” I clarified.
“I wonder the same things, Love.” Josh smiled softly. “Just remember, that I’m right here for you. Every step of the way; I don’t want to lose you Oli. I don’t want to wake up one day, and find you’re gone.”
“I wouldn’t do that…” I trailed off. “I’d say goodbye first, I wouldn’t leave without saying bye.”
I don’t think he heard me.
“Love…why do you want to end your life?” Josh forced out, wanting to understand.
“I’m just tired of being beaten down.” I shrugged, absentmindedly feeling the bruises on my arms. “It’s like everyone’s out to get me – they’re all against me and I’m all alone.
I’m in a war against life, and I’m losing. It’s breaking me down. I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to get through anymore. Everyone hates me. I’m all alone, and all I have is…you.”
“I’ll never leave.” Josh promised, hugging me tightly.
“Yeah, but I might.” I whispered.