A Lie Too Late

“For this last song, we’re going to take it slow.” I announced, signaling Lee over to me.
One of the techs brought over a stool for Lee while I addressed the crowd for a moment.
“Have you ever met someone who instantly took your breath away? Someone who you can’t get out of your mind?” I asked.
There were cheers in response.
“Well, I have. This song is dedicated to that person, the person I gave my heart to. It’s called Deathbeds.”
Lee started strumming the opening chord. “Eyes like a car crash…I know I shouldn’t look, but I can’t turn away.”
People were waving their cell phones and lighters.
“Tides will bring me back to you…” I finished, feeling my voice choke up as I thought of Josh.
Fuck, I’ve missed him so damn much.
“Oi, thank you so much, Leeds! We’re Bring Me the Horizon! Make sure to stop by our merch table for our signing tonight!”
Leaving the stage, I locked myself in the dressing room and pathetically slid to my knees.
Bringing my knees to my chest, I wrapped my thin arms around them.
I could feel the tears coming.
There wasn’t a moment that went by where I didn’t regret leaving Josh alone that day.
Yet, there wasn’t a moment where I would take it back.
The worst thing I could do to him, was keep myself in his life. He deserved better than me.
Fuck, he probably had a girlfriend by now.
The thought made the tears well over and fall, but I tried to convince myself it was for the best.
He deserved to be happy.
Even if it wasn’t with me, I wished to God that he was happy.
As soon as my father found out about him, I knew it wasn’t safe for Josh to be around me.
I had to leave.
The least I could have done was explain things to him, and tell him goodbye properly.
But, I couldn’t even do that.
Knowing him, his sweet smile and sad eyes would be enough to convince me to stay for a little while longer.
I couldn’t.
That night, I left his house and continued to the train station.
From there, I ended up in London.
If I couldn’t have Josh, I could still fulfill my other dream and finally start a band from the ground up.
I didn’t stay in London very long; I was afraid I’d eventually run into Josh one day.
This was the first UK tour this year.
Toying with the necklace around my neck, I smiled at it sadly. It was an old trinket, but it held a lot of meaning.
The little heard was engraved with Josh’s initials.
“J.J.F.” I whispered softly.
Bitter tears were spilling down my cheeks, as I remembered everything I had left behind.
It was stupid.
I shouldn’t have left him, and I could still be happy.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy now; I mean, I had a great band and we were about to release Sempiternal.
Fuck.
Who was I fooling? I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t see myself being happy again anytime soon.
Besides singing, the only thing I had was drink…and cry.
At best, I had overcome cutting.
I couldn’t live with the fact that I was standing on stages with disappointment scarring my wrists.
Even then, I still missed it.
Staring down at my arms, I made out the vague scars that still appeared despite the tattoos.
It was my alternative, a healthier release that still involved inflicting some sort of feeling.
What can I say?
When I’m sober I feel pain, I might as well get something out of it.
“Oli!”
Hastily wiping the fallen tears away, I forced a smile as one of my band mates stepped in.
“Oli, what are you doing here?” Matt Kean asked.
“Just, you know.” I shrugged. “Thinking.”
“Oh.”
He didn’t leave, like I hoped. Instead, he sat down on the worn-through couch and smiled sympathetically.
“What?” I asked, growing impatient at his stare.
“Oli, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Sykes. I know you better than the back of my hand, and you were choking up at the end of Deathbeds. You miss him, don’t you?”
Matt was the only person who knew.
It was a drunken mistake, I had blurted out the entire story one night when I was crying uncontrollably.
Better him than anyone else.
“Yeah, I do.” I sighed.
It’s been over five years since I left him alone. He had to wake up with the fact that I abandoned him.
Abandoned.
The word was turning circles in my head – again. I wasn’t better than my mother, who left me.
I had hurt him, just like my father had hurt me.
“Oli, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never been in love, and I can’t really relate.”
“Yeah.”
“However, I do know I’m not going to let you wallow by yourself. It’s not good for you. I’m really worried about you, Oli. The past few months… I’ve literally seen the light disappear from your eyes.
“Really?”
“Yeah, and it’s scaring me. I’m afraid you’re going to try something one day. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, Matt.” I promised.
Hell, I even forced a smile on my lips.
“Oli, that’s exactly what you said a few years back.” Matt reminded me. “The same thing. You started drinking and growing distant. You started becoming a lot quieter and your lyrics were scaring me. Then…you tried.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Oli, if I hadn’t been worried enough to check up on you, you would have been dead. Dead, Oliver! You had a fucking noose in your hands and a suicide note in your pocket.”
“Drop it.”
“Oli, I’m just worried about you. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to lose yo - ”
“Just stop, Matt!” I yelled, standing up.
I tried to leave the dressing room, but I didn’t get very far. I was shaking, and I ended up falling.
The room blurred as tears came.
Steadily.
“It’s alright.” Matt’s voice came from beside me, rubbing his hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be alright.”
“You don’t understand how much I fucking miss him, Matt.” I mumbled, feeling pathetic. “I love him.”
“I know.”
Reaching up to the necklace, I clasped it tightly. “I made the worst mistake by walking away.”
Matt didn’t respond, wrapping his arms around me.
“Fuck, Matt.” I sighed. “I don’t know what I would do without you, you’ve always been an amazing friend. Why aren’t we going out?” I joked.
“Uh, because I’m engaged.” he smiled.
“Oh, right.” I laughed.
“It’s nice to see you happy, Oli.” Matt helped me up. “But, we have a signing we need to go to.”
“Yeah.”
Drying my eyes with the sleeve of my Drop Dead jacket, I followed Matt towards the signing table.
“Hey guys.” I greeted the rest of my band. “Great show, mates.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you doing okay?” Lee asked softly, glancing at me with a serious expression.
“Yes.” I lied.
Fans started coming up, making conversations and giving us posters and CD’s to sign.
There were fans who brought us little gifts, like drawings they made. Then, there was that kid.
He looked about seventeen, with long hair and deep brown eyes. For some reason, I felt like I was staring at a younger me.
He even had that faded blonde streak I had in Year 12.
“Hey.” I smiled, signing his CD.
“Hey…” he whispered, glancing at the table. “I… I have something I wanted to give you.”
“Sure.” I nodded.
He reached into his pocket, and pulled out something small before placing it in the palm of my hand.
It was a tiny pencil sharpener, with the screw holding the blade in place too loosened to be meaningless.
Looking back at him with sad eyes, the memories hit.
It was odd.
I was definitely staring at a younger version of my younger self.
“It, it’s my last razor. I wanted you to have it, so you could know that I’m going to make the effort to stop. You’ve really helped me get by the past few years, and I’m ready to really stop now.”
Putting the sharpener down, I started rolling up the sleeves of my jacket and rested them on the table.
“You don’t know how fucking proud I am, that you’ve decided to stop. I want you to understand, cutting is not the answer. I’ve harmed myself in the past too, hoping it would help me get through, but it never works.” I admitted, tracing a more prominent scar.
“It always comes back twice as hard. Trust me – talking to a friend, just letting it out, helps more than you can imagine. You may think that there’s no point because no one can help, but it doesn’t matter. Just getting it out of your head and into the world changes everything.” I paused. “That, and music. Hopefully, ours as well. If you ever feel like cutting, go listen to Sempiternal.
Getting up, I searched through the merch boxes and pulled out a copy of the album.
Its release date wasn’t for a few days, but we were giving away a couple copies at each show.
“This is for you.” I told the kid, hugging him. “Listen to the lyrics, alright? We all feel the same.”
“Thanks.” he breathed. “Seriously, thanks. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough. For the album, for the music, for this moment, for keeping me alive all these years.”
“If I can help just one person, then I’ll keep making music for that one person.” I promised.
It wasn’t just a promise to make music.
It was a promise to stay alive.
Taking back the CD, I quickly signed my name on the cover, followed by “Stay strong, I believe in you.”
He left then, with a big smile on his face.
“It’s true, you know.” a voice spoke up. “We all feel the same. Not all of us hurt ourselves or want to end our lives, but we all feel sadness and hopelessness. We all feel heartbreak. We understand, Oli.”
It was Matt.
Underneath, I knew he was trying to be sincere and let me know he was trying to understand.
Yet, I couldn’t help the anger that bristled under my skin.
“I know.”
He felt the change in my voice and stopped abruptly. “I’m sorry if that came out wrong, Oli. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t care about you or anything.”
“It’s fine.”
“Come on, let’s finish the signing and then we’ll go have waffles.”
“Waffles?” I asked.
“What?” Matt laughed. “I’m just craving waffles, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get any tonight.”
“Alright!”
When the signing was over, I was scrolling through my Twitter feed and replying to a few fans.
“Hey, Matt.” I spoke up, after sending a tweet about tomorrow’s show.
We were playing the same venue again.
“Yeah?”
“How far is Leeds from Sheffield?” I hesitated, wondering if this was actually going to be a good idea.”
“Uh, it’s less than an hour, I think. Why?”
“No reason.”

“Where are you going?” Matt asked, knocking on the glass window of the car I was sitting in.
“Sheffield.” I answered, unlocking the door.
Just as predicted, he climbed into the passenger’s side before giving me a look.
“What?”
“Sheffield?” he repeated. “What’s in Sheffield?”
“I don’t know.”
It was the truth. There was just a need to go back, and it was getting stronger by the second.
After an hour drive, we pulled up at the primary school.
“Where are we?” Matt asked.
“Stay in the car.” I ordered. “I’m going for a walk.”
He nodded, a confused look on his face as I headed down the narrow path into the woods.
It was easy to get through, considering this was a common path to take. It was harder once I left the path.
The overgrown branches and grass caught on my clothes, trying to keep my back.
Before long, I could see the river.
“Fuck, I’ve missed this place.” I sighed, looking around.
It was just as calming as I remembered, the gentle water lapping against the base of the rock.
It was so quiet and peaceful.
Stepping towards the rock, I ran my hand against the stone. Five years, and I still remembered every crack.
Sliding down, I glanced up and closed my eyes.
It was nice here, to come back and reminisce in the memories of the days before I met Josh.
The times of escapes and peace.
Before Josh, I used to sleep out here in the summer nights. It was like camping; sleeping under the stars.
After a moment, the moment of happiness left.
I was left with this better emptiness and feeling of resentment. How could I have been so fucking stupid to leave him?
If he meant everything to me, why did I gather my things and –
A twig snapped.
Holding my breath, I stared towards the direction of the noise as a shadow ducked through the branches.
He stepped through, brushing hair out of his face.
Despite the time lapse and the older face, I could still recognize that face anywhere.
My heart fluttered in disbelief.
“Josh?!”