For The Love Of You

Vegas was a success for Ryan. She wasn't stuck in San Diego and she got to hang out with some good friends. They were on her way back to San Diego and she was driving. After she got bored with the Saves The Day playing, she put in Blink 182.

"How much did we all win?" Jack asked curiously.

"Two hundred bucks. I fucking suck." Eric said.

"I ended up with seven hundred." Gabe said slowly.

"Four grand." Beau smiled.

"I got seven." Jack said.

"Austin?" Ryan smiled.

"You first, gambler." Austin told her.

"Nine grand." She said slowly.

"Ten on the dot." He said.

"We are fucking awesome." She told him.

"Yeah, we are. Now that you're my Vegas buddy, we're gonna go like every weekend." He said.

"I'm down." She said.

"I wanna go." Beau said.

"I don't care who goes, but we're gonna go every weekend." Ryan said.

"Alright, so you didn't end up with twenty, Ryan. What are you gonna do with nine?" Jack asked.

"Twenty five hundred's going to one brother, another twenty five hundred to another and another twenty five hundred to another and the fifteen hundred that's left is going to my mom." She said.

"They don't find it weird that you give them money?" He asked.

"I don't know. I don't really care, either." She said.

Ryan had never thought twice about giving her family money. She was in a position where she could now and then and when she could, she did. They didn't grow up wealthy in any way and her brothers struggled. They deserved better, Ryan felt.

It was a little weird to her that she gave her mother money with no hesitation. After all the anger and pain Veronica had caused her, at the end of the day, she was still her mother. At least she had a mother, Ryan always thought.

"Why do you still live in the same apartment you've lived in since you were eighteen?" Gabe asked Ryan as they hit San Diego city limits.

"Do you want the truth or what I tell people?" Ryan asked him.

"I'll go with the truth." He said slowly.

"I've lived in thirty seven of the fifty states. Never had a place I called home. So, when I turned eighteen and got an apartment, that was home. My home. I'm not leaving any time soon." She said.

"So, San Diego's home, you're saying." He said.

"I dig San Diego." She shrugged.

And she did. It wasn't a place she'd like to stay for the rest of her life, but she liked it. Her family was there and as long as they were there, she'd stay. She was in no rush to leave. She really didn't want to leave her apartment.

At seventeen, busy with the band, Ryan was apartment hunting. She searched for a year until she came across the perfect place. It was in the perfect place for her. Ten minutes one way were the suburbs and ten minutes the other way was the city.

Ryan wasn't really a loudly vibrant person. She had a loudly vibrant personality, but she decorated her apartment in a comfy, brownish earth tones kind of feel. It was the inner cabin feel in her. The cabin feel she swore at eight years old that she would make happen one day.

At eight years old, living somewhere in Minnesota at the time, Ryan went on an adventure. Her adventure lead her to a long dirt road. She went down it and ended up seeing her dream house. She'd never experienced that kind of feeling but that one time.

It was a two story log cabin buried deep in the woods with bay windows Ryan had dreams about for years. The wrap around porch she fell in love with had a swing with a firewood pillows. Down to the very last detail, it was Ryan's dream house.

In the beginning of Madden, Ryan, Tyler, Chris and Jake talked about what they'd so when they made their millions. Tyler said he'd buy his parents a nice house, Chris said he'd buy himself his dream car and Jake said he'd travel.

Ryan couldn't think of anything to do with millions of dollars. She would give some to charity, she'd give some to her family, but when the time came to think about what they would all do for themselves, Ryan's mind went blank. There was nothing she really desired all that much.

Madden had never been about archiving enormous success or getting paid well, it was about the music. Ryan had never brought that up to her band mates, but Madden was her baby and it was about nothing but the music that was being created.

Ten years later, thinking about it, watching her band mates, Ryan could see they weren't as tight as they used to be. It used to be Madden, Madden, Madden. It wasn't anymore. It was Money, Success, and Madden.

It was nothing Ryan wanted a part of anymore.

"Home sweet home." She smiled taking her spot in between her two favorite neighbors.

They all got out of Madden's old van and started walking up the three flights of stairs. On the way up, some of Ryan's neighbors said hello to her, but when they got to her door, her next door neighbor, Max stepped out of his door.

"Ryan. What are you doing here?" He asked slowly, locking his door behind him.

"Off day. What's up?" Ryan asked.

"Going to pick up Haley." He said.

"You guys going to Warped? She wants to go." She told him.

"Yep. She apparently just has to see...what was it, sleeping or something. I don't know." He said.

"Sleeping With Sirens?" She asked slowly.

"Yeah, that's it." He nodded.

"I've got their drummer here. Tell her as long as she doesn't dress like a slut, I'll get her backstage." She said making Gabe smile.

"Will do." Max said slowly before he left.

With eight years living in the same apartment complex, Ryan made it a mission to get to know her neighbors. Max was a single dad with an eight year old little girl when Ryan moved in. Ryan and Haley watched an Adam Sandler movie every Friday night for three years.

"Are you a good neighbor, Ryan?" Eric smiled as she unlocked her door.

"A friendly one. His daughter's sixteen and madly in love in you." Ryan told Austin making him smile.

"Aww." He said.

When they all walked into Ryan's apartment, the first thing she did was touch the framed portrait of four sets of hand prints on the wall. She and her brothers all had the same portrait. Ryan told them all to do whatever they please, just not to break her drumsticks she had in a glass box in her living room.

"Whose are they?" Gabe asked slowly, looking at them.

"Keith Moon's. You do not want to know how much those things cost." Ryan told him.

"You have Keith Moon's drumsticks and I'm just learning of this?" He asked.

"Yep. Maybe you should come by more often, loveboy." She said.

"Maybe so, Girl." He nodded.

"What's with the guitar?" Beau asked nodding toward the guitar on the wall.

Ryan had never really noticed it until her friends started pointing it out, but she spent the money she didn't give away or pay bills with on buying her heroes old instruments. She had three guitars on the wall, two drummers sticks, and a bass.

After Ryan told Beau that the guitar belonged to Angus Young, they all sat down in her living room and started mapping out what they were going to do. The second bedroom in her apartment had long ago been turned into a studio.

"We've obviously got our singer." Eric said nodding toward Ryan.

"You wanna do back up? We can't not use those pipes." Ryan asked Beau making him laugh.

"Yeah." He said.

"Okay, drums. Gabe." Ryan said.

"Lead goes to me. Right?" Eric asked.

"I'll do rhythm." Jack said.

"I can take a shot at bass." Austin said slowly.

"We could just do this acoustically." Ryan said.

"No, we're doing it, we gotta do it right. You've been waiting on this for ten years." Gabe told her.

It took seven very long hours. Seven very long hours of Ryan learning what friendship really meant. If her own band mates wouldn't do it, why did her friends? Everyone sat on the ground and when Jack hit the play button, listened.

It didn't sound like Good Charlotte, Ryan heard immediately. She didn't want it to. She wanted it to sound like she and her friends and it did. She had a scratchy voice, a very distinct voice. A voice she was slowly learning, could sing.

"Guys." She sighed smiling when it was over.

"Worth it?" Austin asked her.

"So, so completely worth it." She said.

"What are you gonna do with it?" Eric asked.

She didn't know what she'd do with it. She just wanted to sing it. It was the song she couldn't write and the song she'd probably listened to more than any other Good Charlotte song. There was no good way, no proper way, to thank her friends for doing what they did for her.

"I have no idea." Ryan said slowly.

"I still can't believe you can sing." Beau shook his head.

"Yeah, I wasn't all that sure how that would turn out." She told him.

"It turned out amazing." Jack told her.

"Thanks to all of you guys. I really don't know how to say thank you for this and I don't get choked up, but thank you." She said slowly.

"I'll take my thank you as it's release." Gabe said.

"Me too." Beau and Austin said in unison.

"As long as it was worth it." Eric told her.

"Play it. We all should play it." Jack suggested.

"When?" Ryan asked rolling her eyes.

"I don't know. Sometime." He shrugged.

"Yeah, we should." Beau told Ryan.

"If you find a place to play it, I'll do it." Ryan told Jack.

"Done. Everyone on board?" Jack asked.

Beau at least couldn't believe he had never heard her sing. Her singing voice was similar to her speaking voice. Raspy, scratchy. She might've been a drummer, but she had a secret singer buried inside of her, he thought.

They all had to go back to Warped eventually. When they all went back, Jack made everyone promise they'd be there when he came up with a place for them to do the song. Ryan didn't want to go back. She wanted to spend the night in her own bed before she had to play tomorrow.

Not everyone had a bed down the road they could go sleep in. So, she went back to her apartment after she told Adam where she would be. By that time it was around ten o'clock. She was just gonna watch a movie and go to sleep.

She sat down on her couch with a bag of pretzels and a plate with mustard after she put on Talladega Nights. She was about an hour into the movie when her front door opened and closed and bodies walked in.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked Gabe slowly.

No one had realized that Ryan wasn't there and when Gabe went looking for her, Adam told him that she was at her apartment. So, he went there, along with Vic and Tyler. Ryan paused the movie and sat up a little bit.

"We're here because you weren't back." Tyler told her sitting down next to her, taking a couple pretzels.

"I was kinda dragged along." Vic said slowly.

"No, real story is that I decided to find you and couldn't. I asked Adam where you were and he told me you came back here. So, I had to get Tyler in on it because he had a car. And, Vic was with me, so he came." Gabe told her.

"Alright. Well, uhh, sit. Watch the last half of the movie." Ryan said slowly.

And they did. After Talladega Nights was over, they watched Little Nicky. After Little Nicky was when the three of them left. When Ryan got up, she turned everything off and walked into her studio. She sat down in her chair and played Emotionless.

She had never boasted about her singing. She knew she could sing a little bit, but listening to that over and over was making her start to believe what people had been telling her for years. That she could sing.

After listening to the song three times, she went into her bedroom and laid down face first in her mattress. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at it seeing fourteen texts and eight missed calls. She turned it off and tossed it on a pile of clothes.

Ryan was trying to fall asleep, but kept thinking long and hard about Madden. They weren't close anymore. They weren't about the music anymore. They were about fame and money. Ryan didn't care if anyone knew her name, she just wanted to make music.

She couldn't believe how it looked from the outside. That Madden was still so tight knit and so full of energy like they were ten years ago. From the inside, to Ryan, it looked like her band mates were selling out and it pissed her off.

She loved her band mates, she just didn't love that they weren't as focused or as dedicated as she always been, and always stayed. Madden was still what she was about. Sure, they had die hard fans, they had record sales, they had money. But it didn't matter if the music didn't come first.

She couldn't believe she was doubting her band mates, her best buds. It amazed her that she could be thinking like that. They hadn't done anything wrong, she knew. She grabbed her phone and sighed.

[What?] Her brother Matt yawned.

"Madden's falling apart."

[What?]

"Madden. We're falling apart. Jake could care less about the band anymore. He only wanted to tour because he ran out of money. Chris hasn't cared about the music we made in like, three years. And Tyler's just like, partying all the damn time. What happened to the music, Matt? It used to be about Madden, not Jake, Chris, Tyler and Ryan."

[Ryan, Madden's your baby. If you're not happy with how it's going, tell them. Maybe they're not happy either.]

"Right, Madden is my baby. My baby that after ten years, I'm doubting because of my band mates."

[Talk to them. Not to me.]

"You want me to have this conversation with them at the beginning of a tour?"

[No, yes. I don't know. I'm tired.]

"I know, I'm sorry."

[Ryan, this has been what you've done since I can remember. You were all about music. It was always music with you. This is who you are. If the guys aren't fitting into Madden, then maybe they need to not be a part of Madden.]

"It's not my place to kick anyone out of the band. It's ours."

[It's yours. Your name, your lyrics. There's no band without you.]

"You're suggesting I kick my best friends out of the band?"

[I'm just saying that in ten years, you've had success. You had mainstream success and you still have fans from two thousand two. They've had their money, they've had their fame.]

"It's not about money or fame, that's what I'm saying. It's about the music. I didn't start a band to get famous or get rich. I started it to make music."

[And have they not milked the money and fame? They have and you haven't. You guys toured with big names and you got big. That got to their heads, not yours.]

"Because it was about music, friends and good times. It still is. Just, not for them."

[Right. So, bring Madden back to what it used to be. That pop punk that got you guys started.]

"The music isn't the problem. We can play whatever. The problem is that I seem like I'm the only one interested in Madden anymore."

[Talk to them, Ryan. These problems aren't gonna go away.]

"No, they're not. I've wanted them to cover Emotionless by Good Charlotte since the day we all came together. You know what I did today? Recorded it with my friends, not my band."

[Then you know what to do. I'll see you tomorrow. Tiredly.]

"Okay, night. Sorry I woke you up."

[Just make the right choice. Don't let Madden suffer.]

"Night, Matt."

Ryan knew that on some level, her brother was right. And even though Madden was Ryan's name and her lyrics, it wasn't her music. It was their music. Madden wasn't just Ryan. It was all of them. That was the problem. Three out of four of them weren't in it anymore.

It wasn't something Ryan wanted to know. She wanted Madden to be like they were in the beginning. But, once they had a little money, that's what it became about for three members. The only one Ryan wasn't sure was one hundred percent out of the head space was Tyler.