Some People Want It All, but I Don't
one.
Jinki stands at the balcony of their hostel, nursing a mug of tea in one hand while the other holds a flimsy piece of photo paper featuring five young boys with the silliest dreams no one ever imagined they could achieve. He watches as the star-peppered night sky explodes with the colors of people celebrating the arrival of the new year. He listens, with a small and warm smile on his face, to his dongsaengs having their own little party in the living room; their laughter sometimes muted by the loud blasts of fireworks.
That smile, however, is incapable of hiding away the sad look in his eyes and it’s Kibum who notices it when he steps out onto the balcony and stands next to him. The cacophony of Minho and Taemin’s singing to ‘Hot Times’ whilst Jonghyun bursts his belly laughing at them fades out when he closes the sliding door behind him, leaning his forearms on the railing.
For once, he doesn’t say anything - doesn’t scold Jinki for staying out in the cold and for not joining in on the party. He simply reaches over and plucks the photo from the elder’s hand and examines it with a tilt of his head and a twitch of his lips. He hands it back just as silently and moves just that bit closer to him when his hands are free.
“It’s not going to end so abruptly, you know.” Kibum pushes his fringe away from his eyes with a finger, the tone of his voice calm but not as reassuring as Jinki needed.
“How can any of us ever really know that?” he asks, soft and unsure, without the leader-like qualities always expected of him.
A simple shrug is his answer and he feels his heart sinking lower as do the corners of his lips. He takes a sip of his tea just as he feels warmth pressing up against his arm and his side.
“How can you know if whenever you fall asleep, you’ll always wake up in your bed and step outside and find me and Jonghyun hyung arguing about the smallest things or Minho trying not to fall asleep on his cereal or Taemin staring off into space wondering what he’ll have for lunch?” Kibum’s warm breath ghosts over Jinki’s cold cheek and then over his nose when he turns his head just slightly to look at the younger’s face.
“I don’t.”
“Faith, hyung, faith. And the knowledge that we’d all become friends even before we became shining SHINee,” Kibum replied firmly, getting that small wrinkle in between his eyebrows when trying to get his point across to someone as stubborn as the leader.
Jinki chuckles a little bitterly and this was a side of him that perhaps the rest of the members have very rarely seen; Kibum was a different story, though.
“I know that, but how long will it last? Sure, give or take a two years or so we’d all constantly be hanging out for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year… but sooner or later we’re all going to end up going our separate ways. Minho’ll be some model-actor, Jonghyun and Taemin will no doubt pursue the musical career and you and I will…” Jinki trails off and turns his attention back to the sky, the fireworks now few and sparse.
Kibum gives a disapproving purse of his lips before he slips his hand around Jinki’s arm and rests it on the crook of his elbow. He reaches his other hand forward and turns the other’s head back to face him. Jinki’s ready retort for the younger falters and dies away in his mouth at the look in his eyes.
It shone with uncertainty and worry, promise and determination and upon seeing those in them, Jinki’s stiff posture melts into a comfortable one and he leans into Kibum’s warmth. He sometimes wonders if he really was meant to be the older of the two of them but then he remembers Kibum’s shaking hand in his on nights far worse than this and he stops wondering.
“You and I, no matter what everyone else becomes will always be you and I. And if, on your birthday, Minho can’t celebrate with you, I’ll be there to do it for him. If Jonghyun hyung can’t come over and sing with you on random days with his guitar and his power vocals, then I’ll sing with you. If Taemin can’t be there to be more excited than you are about your presents, then I’ll be excited for him. I’ll always be there just like how I’m out here now with you, warming you up and making you see how irrational and adorably stupid you are for thinking you’ll end up alone.” He punctuates his speech with a roll of his eyes and a gentle bump of his head against Jinki, who can only laugh and put his mug down to wrap his arm around Kibum, coaxing the other into his side.
“Happy New Year, hyung.” Kibum leans his head against his shoulder, slipping the photograph back deep into his coat pocket, and presses himself closer.
Jinki smiles wider and rests his head against Kibum’s, staring up at the night sky once more.
Nothing lasts forever, that much he was sure of. He wasn’t always going to be Onew, leader of SHINee, and they weren’t always going to be shining SHINee. But with everything they’ve made possible in the last 4 years, he knows it wouldn’t be too much to hope for something like forever for him and Kibum.
“Happy New Year.”
That smile, however, is incapable of hiding away the sad look in his eyes and it’s Kibum who notices it when he steps out onto the balcony and stands next to him. The cacophony of Minho and Taemin’s singing to ‘Hot Times’ whilst Jonghyun bursts his belly laughing at them fades out when he closes the sliding door behind him, leaning his forearms on the railing.
For once, he doesn’t say anything - doesn’t scold Jinki for staying out in the cold and for not joining in on the party. He simply reaches over and plucks the photo from the elder’s hand and examines it with a tilt of his head and a twitch of his lips. He hands it back just as silently and moves just that bit closer to him when his hands are free.
“It’s not going to end so abruptly, you know.” Kibum pushes his fringe away from his eyes with a finger, the tone of his voice calm but not as reassuring as Jinki needed.
“How can any of us ever really know that?” he asks, soft and unsure, without the leader-like qualities always expected of him.
A simple shrug is his answer and he feels his heart sinking lower as do the corners of his lips. He takes a sip of his tea just as he feels warmth pressing up against his arm and his side.
“How can you know if whenever you fall asleep, you’ll always wake up in your bed and step outside and find me and Jonghyun hyung arguing about the smallest things or Minho trying not to fall asleep on his cereal or Taemin staring off into space wondering what he’ll have for lunch?” Kibum’s warm breath ghosts over Jinki’s cold cheek and then over his nose when he turns his head just slightly to look at the younger’s face.
“I don’t.”
“Faith, hyung, faith. And the knowledge that we’d all become friends even before we became shining SHINee,” Kibum replied firmly, getting that small wrinkle in between his eyebrows when trying to get his point across to someone as stubborn as the leader.
Jinki chuckles a little bitterly and this was a side of him that perhaps the rest of the members have very rarely seen; Kibum was a different story, though.
“I know that, but how long will it last? Sure, give or take a two years or so we’d all constantly be hanging out for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year… but sooner or later we’re all going to end up going our separate ways. Minho’ll be some model-actor, Jonghyun and Taemin will no doubt pursue the musical career and you and I will…” Jinki trails off and turns his attention back to the sky, the fireworks now few and sparse.
Kibum gives a disapproving purse of his lips before he slips his hand around Jinki’s arm and rests it on the crook of his elbow. He reaches his other hand forward and turns the other’s head back to face him. Jinki’s ready retort for the younger falters and dies away in his mouth at the look in his eyes.
It shone with uncertainty and worry, promise and determination and upon seeing those in them, Jinki’s stiff posture melts into a comfortable one and he leans into Kibum’s warmth. He sometimes wonders if he really was meant to be the older of the two of them but then he remembers Kibum’s shaking hand in his on nights far worse than this and he stops wondering.
“You and I, no matter what everyone else becomes will always be you and I. And if, on your birthday, Minho can’t celebrate with you, I’ll be there to do it for him. If Jonghyun hyung can’t come over and sing with you on random days with his guitar and his power vocals, then I’ll sing with you. If Taemin can’t be there to be more excited than you are about your presents, then I’ll be excited for him. I’ll always be there just like how I’m out here now with you, warming you up and making you see how irrational and adorably stupid you are for thinking you’ll end up alone.” He punctuates his speech with a roll of his eyes and a gentle bump of his head against Jinki, who can only laugh and put his mug down to wrap his arm around Kibum, coaxing the other into his side.
“Happy New Year, hyung.” Kibum leans his head against his shoulder, slipping the photograph back deep into his coat pocket, and presses himself closer.
Jinki smiles wider and rests his head against Kibum’s, staring up at the night sky once more.
Nothing lasts forever, that much he was sure of. He wasn’t always going to be Onew, leader of SHINee, and they weren’t always going to be shining SHINee. But with everything they’ve made possible in the last 4 years, he knows it wouldn’t be too much to hope for something like forever for him and Kibum.
“Happy New Year.”