Isn't She Lovely?

I woke up furrowing my eyebrows together hearing a couple of beeps, I blinked and my eyes tried to adjust to the bright whiteness of the room. Harry was sat with his forehead rested on the bed next to my left hand. I bit my lip looking around the room and trying to remember even coming to the hospital.

“Harry?” My voice was scratchy and quiet but his head snapped up at the sound of my voice.

“Oh my god.” He launched himself at me grabbing my face between his hands and kissing me frantically, “oh my god, oh my god.”

“What’s going on?” I felt dazed and dizzy.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, they said you would be but…” He ran a hand through his hair before reaching out to stroke my cheek as if checking I was real, “how are you feeling? God, I should get the doctor.”

“Harry.” I grabbed his hand as he went to move, “what the hell happened?”

He didn’t say anything as he laced our fingers together, he was biting down on his lip and I was finally able to focus and take in his appearance. He was still wearing what I could recall him pulling on in the morning so I must not have been out that long, his eyes were rimmed red and I knew instantly he’d been crying. I glanced down at his hand and the flower I had doodled onto him whilst we had waited for Louis to make tea this morning was still there.

“You fainted.” He said quietly, “but you didn’t wake up, we called an ambulance and they brought you straight here. They hooked you up on a drip but other than that I don’t know anything. They couldn’t say, they don’t really know what’s going on but they took some blood before so we’re waiting on those results. I’ll go get a doctor now okay?”

He went to walk away but I tugged him back.

“What about baby Styles?” I asked and he sighed heavily.

“They haven’t said anything yet.” His thumb rubbed over my knuckles, “I’m sure everything will be fine though.”

“Yea.” I nodded and he gave me a weak smile before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine briefly.

“I kind of thought I’d lost you back there.” He admitted perching on the edge of the bed and stroking his fingertips down the side of my face softly, smiling as I leant into his touch.

“You won’t ever lose me.” I promised bringing my hand up and lacing my fingers through his before pulling his hand to my lips kissing the back of it softly, “now go get that doctor so we can get out of here.”

He gave me a half smile before hopping off the bed and walking out of the room. I took the opportunity to pull the sheet covering me down, I was in a hospital robe and it gave me shivers. I placed my hand over my stomach and waited, wanting to feel something, anything. My stomach was still slightly rounded, it felt like it had this morning and that made my heart flutter with hope. I pulled myself up to sit properly and looked at the machines I was hooked up to, there was an IV going into my arm and a thing monitoring my heart rate. I bit my lip scanning the room for any other clues but it was all white. The door opened and I automatically turned to see Harry walking in looking like he’d gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson which made me feel guilty that I’d put him through this, behind Harry stood a doctor. She had black hair that was pulled back off her face with a pair of thick rimmed black glasses, she had the standard white doctor coat on with a pair of black trousers and a purple shirt. She gave me a soft smile before walking over to the bottom of my bed placing a clipboard down on the table.

“Blair,” She said and I nodded, “how are you feeling?”

“Confused.” I admitted and Harry sat back down next to me holding my hand in his, “what happened?”

“Well we’ve run some vitals and done several tests.” She pushed her glasses up her nose, “you have very high blood pressure Blair which is unusual because according to your medical records you’re normally on the lower end of the ideal spectrum.”

“Right,” I nodded slowly still confused.

“Blair, is there anything that has been overally stressing you out lately?” She asked resting on the end of the bed.

“What?” I gulped my throat suddenly feeling very dry, “why would that matter?”

“The stress would increase your blood pressure.” She explained, “it’s the only reasonable explanation we have been able to come up with.”

“So I’ve been stressed, everyone is stressed.” My bottom lip quivered, “that’s life right?”

“B,” Harry forced my attention to him, “calm down.”

He looked over to the machine and I noticed that my heart rate had increased quite drastically.

“Blair’s pregnant.” Harry stated and the doctor nodded.

“I know, we need to check up on the little one. See how it’s doing,” she licked her bottom lip glancing down at a chart, “the ultrasound equipment is on it’s way down. After we check that you’ll be free to go.”

“Okay.” I nodded giving her a weak smile and Harry squeezed my hand reassuringly.

“It’s okay baby,” he whispered bringing my hand up to his lips and kissing the tattoo on the inside, “I’m right here. Nothing is going to happen to you. Everything will be fine.”

“Doctor,” I caught her attention away from the chart and she looked up curiously, “what are the chances that this has affected the baby?”

“We’ll just have to wait and see.” She told me turning to open the door and peer down the corridor.

“I’m just over 3 months, it’s still early.” I rambled, “surely this can’t have to much of an affect.”

She didn’t respond and I turned to Harry wide eyed, I was petrified. He shuffled over to me and pulled me into a hug, he didn’t say a word and I wrapped my arms around him clinging onto him for dear life.

“You’re shaking.” He murmured into my hair and I nodded.

“What if something is wrong?” I asked and he leant back pushing a piece of hair off my face.

“Everything will be fine.” He told me and pressed his lips to mine.

I slumped back into the bed, Harry wouldn’t acknowledge the possibility that it wouldn’t be okay and I understood that. It wasn’t in his nature to think about things so negatively, things normally did work out for him and I had to hold on to that hope that everything would be okay. I had to cling onto Harry’s seemingly infinite amount of luck, he was a product of luck and that meant that this baby I was carrying also had luck running through it’s veins. The machine was wheeled in and I recognized it from the many visits with Darcy. Darcy.

“Where is she?” I asked and Harry looked over at me giving me a soft smile.

“With Louis,” he squeezed my hand, “she thinks we’re on a date. As far as she’s concerned we’re just spending some quality mummy and daddy time.”

“Oh, okay.” I nodded and breathed in a shaky breath as the doctor moved to sit next to the machine that had been all set up.

She placed a towel to cover the tops of my legs and pulled the hospital gown up to rest just under my breasts exposing my abdomen.

“This shouldn’t be too cold, it’s meant to have been warmed.” She told me as she picked up the bottle of jelly.

“Hey remember when we brought Louis along to see Darcy.” Harry whispered and I smiled nodding, “he was transfixed by it.”

“He was.” I nodded remembering it like it was yesterday and also knowing Harry was trying to distract me from my worrying.

“This will be the first time we see baby Styles.” He smiled softly at me pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Ready?” She looked over at us and we both nodded.

She placed the wand like thing on my stomach, she looked at the screen moving it around and I watched her expression. Her eyebrows were furrowed together, she pressed a few buttons on the side of the machine and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth biting down on it.

“Is everything okay?” I asked my heart dropping.

“One second,” she flashed me a smile before opening the door and leaning out beckoning someone into the room.

“Hello,” An old looking doctor walked in and Harry and I waved awkwardly before he introduced himself, “let me just have a look hey?”

He sat down on the seat the other doctor has just been sat in, I snuck a glance at Harry who was biting on his lip so hard I thought it was about to start bleeding. His gaze was fixed on the screen like he was willing something to happen.

“Is everything okay?” I asked looking between the doctors, “only shouldn’t we be able to hear a heartbeat or something?”

The doctors exchanged a look and I choked out a sob. It felt like the whole world has stopped. I looked at the screen and finally saw the outline of what should have been our new baby. I looked up at Harry who was frowning and shaking his head.

“No, no,” he shook his head before looking at the two doctors, “maybe you just haven’t turned the sound on? Have you checked that? Maybe it isn’t up loud enough, maybe it’s just a really quiet heartbeat.”

“I’m really sorry,” She told us.

I couldn’t feel anything as she wiped the jelly off my stomach, my whole body felt numb and I nodded blindly as they disconnected me from the machines and the IV. Harry sat in the corner staring into space as I pulled on the clothes I’d picked out this morning purposely to avoid being papped with a bump. I felt sick and I didn’t know what to do. A nurse came in and started talking to us again, Harry said a couple of things and took a piece of paper from her before taking my hand and pulling me out the room. I hadn’t heard a word of what had been said, I knew it would have been about my health but I didn’t care in the slightest. It was irrelevant. I let him lead me down corridor after corridor, I was holding a bottle of orange juice in my hand that the doctor had given me and it was just making my hands colder.

“Blair.” Harry stopped us in a deserted corridor and put his hands on my shoulders, “Blair look at me.”

“Hey.” I choked out and he pulled me straight into his chest.

I stood there and let him hug me, I moved my arms up to hold him before he pulled away resting his forehead against mine and puffing out a breath.

“There might be people out there,” he said quietly, “so we need to put our sunglasses on and just walk through okay?”

“Yea.” I nodded, opening the handbag that was hanging off my arm which I didn’t even recall picking up.

After we put our sunglasses on we walked out of the hospital, there were a few people taking our photo but I ducked my head down holding on to Harry’s hand tightly. He pulled out a set of keys and unlocked a car I didn’t recognize, he helped me into the passenger side before getting in himself. We drove in silence and I was happy for that. I rested my face against the window sort of enjoying the feeling of the cold glass against my skin, it was a feeling and other than that I felt numb. Empty. Alone.

We pulled up outside the hotel and I got out before Harry had the chance to open my door, he handed the keys to the valet and we walked inside. Paul was standing in the lobby, he cocked his head to the side but we walked straight past him and into the lift. I walked in after Harry who pressed the button and leant against the wall obviously waiting for me to go to him, he looked confused as I leant against the opposite wall just staring at the floor. It was a long silent ride and when the doors opened I shuffled out, he laced his fingers through mine and I let him. Harry pulled out the key to the room and swiped it as the door to the room opposite us opened revealing all four boys, Darcy appeared at their feet and my eyes welled up.

“You were meant to ring us when she woke up!” Niall rolled his eyes at Harry, “how are you love?”

They all stared at us and their smiles dropped as they noticed the silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Mummy,” Darcy stepped forward and I stepped back knocking into Harry who was behind me.

“B.” He whispered in my ear and I shook my head turning around and burying myself in him.

I just wanted to disappear.

“Boys,” Harry cleared his throat looking down at Darcy who was looking confused, “umm.”

“I’m going to lay down.” I mumbled into his neck moving around him but he caught my wrist.

“You have to be here.” His voice was desperate and I couldn’t look up at him.

“I can’t.” I shook my head.

“Do you think I can?” He asked his voice cracking and I crumbled into his side again.

“Is everything okay?” Liam bent down and picked Darcy up, she clung to him like I was clinging to Harry.

“No. Nothing is okay.” I shook my head before taking a deep breath in, “Darcy can’t be here for this.”

The boys all exchanged a look before Liam walked into the room, I heard the connecting door open and him speak to a female voice. Georgie. He soon appeared looking at us intently.

“Let’s go in.” Harry moved us into our room and I shuffled behind him.

We all stood in our room in the same positions we’d held out in the corridor. I was hiding behind Harry with my arms wrapped around his waist, my face buried in the back of his left shoulder. The four boys were in a line opposite us all wearing completely baffled and worried expressions.

“What’s going on?” Louis asked and I shook my head closing my eyes, “you’re up and walking around Blair, you must be okay.”

I didn’t say anything and I felt Harry take a deep breath in before exhaling it loudly. I moved my hand down to hold onto his, he laced our fingers and squeezed my hand. I tried to find comfort in it, the comfort I was so used to receiving from him but it was like my nerve endings had shut off to everything, including Harry.

“Is it the baby?” Niall whispered and I squeezed Harry’s hand so tight I thought I might have broken it.

I felt like a train had hit me making me gasp out, inhaling air like I had been starved from it. Suddenly it felt like the time that had been passing so slowly, like I was somehow removed from it all, had gone back to the usual speed but it felt faster than usual, it felt like I was on a rollercoaster unable to catch my breath. The numbness that I had felt was removed and the pain that replaced it made me wish that I was numb again, I ached for the feeling of nothing and wished that I didn’t have to feel the pain pumping through my veins. I literally collapsed as a sob came out of my mouth. Harry caught me and pulled me in burying his face in my hair. He was crying and I couldn’t tell who was shaking harder. Suddenly I felt myself being surrounded. All four boys had wrapped themselves around us. Louis was directly behind me, I could smell him and recognized his voice as he just repeated my name over and over again.

We stood in a massive hug, we were all crying but in the center stood Harry and I just clinging onto each other crying so hard I felt like I was going to be sick. Eventually I felt the boys pull back, Louis forced me away from Harry and into his arms as Niall took Harry. Louis pressed kisses to my face before pulling back from me holding my face in his hands.

“Blair,” he started wiping the tears off my face but they were continuously falling even though the noises had stopped.

My throat was sore from crying, worse than it had been when I woke up and I was aware that I was now just silently crying. Harry, however, was still crying loudly and I could hear Niall trying to talk to him. The sounds of him gasping for air as the sobs raked through his body made my heart physically hurt, like someone was rubbing salt into a fresh wound. Niall was trying to calm him down and it hurt that I couldn’t be the one doing that, that I was the other side of the room standing in front of Louis as who was staring at me trying to figure out what to do with me.

“Focus on me Blair,” he pulled me to look at him but my eyes kept darting over to Harry who was having to be physically held up by Liam now, “me Blair, not Harry. Niall and Liam have him, they have him okay? Look at me.”

I gulped in air pulling my eyes to look at Louis and it was like being punched all over again. The sympathy that was etched on the features I’d grown up with. The eyes that weren’t meant to hold such a sad emotion, they were laughing eyes. I couldn’t keep my eyes on him instead they drifted over to where Zayn sat on the bed with his head in his hands. He was so still and I wished I could have that calm he had. I looked at Louis finally and felt a stab of envy that he didn’t have to feel like this, that he didn’t know how it felt to be so close to having something so perfect only to have it ripped away. But even as the thought started to form I realized I was wrong and that he knew exactly what that felt like after having his life with Eleanor ripped away from him. She had taken their relationship, the thing he that he held onto to keep him grounded and destroyed it. No wonder he felt like he was floating away, I suddenly felt like I understood him better than I ever had and that made me pull him against me. I needed to feel him and assure him that no matter what I was there like he was for me. He didn’t need Eleanor to keep him grounded, not when he had me and I needed him for that now as well. I felt sick to my stomach and I needed anything and everything I could get to keep me from falling apart.

“Lay down for me B,” he stroked my hair and I sniffed moving onto the bed awkwardly.

“Harry,” I breathed out so quietly and Louis pressed a kiss to my forehead.

I could still hear him in the corner sobbing on Niall’s shoulder and I wondered if Louis was finding it as hard as I was not to comfort him.

“Can you please go to him?” I managed to get out and Louis bit down on his lip moving a piece of hair out of my face, “I need you to be there for him Lou.”

“I think I need to be here with you, don’t you think?” He shook his head and I gulped.

“For me Lou, I need you to do this.” I told him firmly, “go to Harry. Make sure he’s okay.”

Louis sat on the bed next to me for a moment and Zayn appeared behind him, obviously hearing my pleas for Louis to go to Harry. He placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder and Louis looked at him, they seemed to have a silent conversation before Louis turned to me and pressed a kiss to my head. He stood up and Zayn sat down next to me.

“Hey you,” He gave me an awkward smile, “how are those demons?”

“I don’t even think you could fight them away,” I admitted and closed my eyes feeling a tear roll down my face, “I don’t think all of you in this room could fight them away Zayn.”

I opened my eyes to see him studying me calmly. His eyes were red and he’d destroyed his hair with his hands from running them through it. He looked a mess and at the same time he’d never looked more honest. I looked over at Liam, Louis, Niall and Harry and realized that right now we had never been more vulnerable. We were a family and even though I’d always known that seeing the hurt in all the faces reaffirmed it to me.

“I’m scared Zayn,” I admitted looking up at him as I heard Harry let out another sob as Louis pulled him into a hug, “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Close your eyes B,” he stroked my arm softly, “go to sleep, your body needs to rest.”

I did as I was told and he continued to talk in a hushed voice to me, I almost told him to speak up and try and cover the sounds of Harry’s cries which were only tightening on the vice like grip around my heart but I realized it didn’t matter. Even if he spoke louder he wouldn’t drown out the voices in my head, the voices telling me it was all my fault and I willed the numb feeling to come back to my body.



I blinked a couple of times before sitting up, Harry was laying next to me and he gave me a soft smile. I returned it before rolling onto my side and snuggling into his chest, he didn’t say anything as he stroked down my back and then I rememebered. I gasped and Harry squeezed me to him obviously realizing what had just happened. I pushed myself away from him and stood up, I leant against the wall and put my hands over my face.

“Blair,” he stood up in front of me, “listen to me.”

“It was the stress.” I looked at him and he didn’t say anything, “I’ve been so stressed, I didn’t think it would matter.”

“Stop it,” he shook his head and I bit my lip.

I didn’t say anything before excusing myself to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and turned the tap on at it’s most powerful before throwing up in the toilet. I flushed the toilet and used the running water to rinse my mouth out, I still felt sick to my stomach. I walked out and went to lay straight back on the bed, I pulled the pillow closer and drew my legs back up to curl into a ball. Harry sat next to me and trailed his fingers through my hair but I didn’t even bother looking up at him. I felt numb. I felt sick and my hand went to my stomach instantly, reaching for something that wasn’t there anymore.

“B.” Harry moved closer to me as I shook my head.

“Don’t.” I closed my eyes as the tears started to form, “can you just…”

“No.” He laid down next to me, “I’m not leaving you. Not again.”

I knew he was referring to when I asked to be alone before I collapsed. Before I had gotten into a fight with Taylor and after I had heard that my own father couldn’t even pick up the phone to speak to me.

“Why not?” I groaned trying to bury myself into the mattress, “I want to be alone Harry. I don’t want you here, what don’t you get about that?”

“Stop it.” He reached to wrap his arms around me but I shied away from his touch, “I’m not letting you do this to us.”

“I already did Harry.” I stood up and grabbed my jumper pulling it over my body, “I did this. I lost this baby for us. Not you.”

I was out the door before what I said had even sunk in, I ran down the corridor pulling my hood over my head and I reached the stairwell opening the door and freezing for a moment. Did I go up the stairs, up to the roof to seek shelter with the skyline? Go to where Harry would look for me first? I bit my lip before glancing down the stairs, I could leave the hotel and he wouldn’t know where I was. Nibbling on my lip I took a breath and started running down the stairs until I ran out of steps, I yanked open the door and headed towards the main doors.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Paul asked from behind me.

I spun around and his expression softened when he saw my tear stained face.

“Are you okay Blair?” He asked and I shook my head.

“I just need to…” I pointed outside, “I’ll be safe Paul. I swear…I just have to.”

“You have your phone?” He asked and I nodded pulling it out of my hoodie pocket and showing him, “text me okay?”

“Okay.” I nodded before bolting out the door and down the street.

I didn’t know where I was going, I just needed to get as far away from Harry’s sympathy as possible. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve him. I had let everything stress me out until I lost the baby, I had killed our baby and I fell against a wall as the words echoed around my head. I had had something so precious, so small and so Harry inside of me and I’d let it die. I wrapped my arms around my stomach bringing my knees up and resting my head down on them. My phone was buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to see Harry’s name.

“Please just leave me alone.” I choked out as I answered it.

“Don’t Blair, don’t do this to us.” He hissed down the phone, “where are you? Let me be there for you.”

“You can’t Harry.” I gasped for breath through my tears, “I can’t let you, I killed our baby Harry and I can’t let you forgive me for this. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

I hung up and dropped the phone to the floor as I contined to sob into my arms. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I couldn’t function and I’d just hung up on the only person who knew how to put back my broken pieces.