Isn't She Lovely?

“Blair,” Georgie called and I bit my lip waiting to hear the footsteps to check she was alone, “I have Darcy.”

I peeked out her bunk to see her standing holding my little girl in the lounge. I slid out and walked towards her taking my daughter out of her arms and pulling her close to me, I buried my face in the side of her neck and inhaled. She smelt like home. I’d barricaded myself in the bus Georgie inhabited with a few lighting technicians and refused to leave about 4 days ago, so far my self-imposed solitude had been a success.

“Harry looked awful.” Georgie stated sitting down on the sofa as I sat on the floor with Darcy.

“Was Louis with him?” I spoke softly asking the question with my eyes fixed on my little girl.

“He hasn’t left his side,” She told me gently, “but he needs you Blair and you need him. Why are you doing this?”

“How about you show mummy how well you can read?” I asked Darcy and she beamed at me.

“Yea!” She nodded and I reached into the bag Georgie had brought in with her.

“Come on H, you know we’re trying to get her to read.” I rifled through the bag of toys and found no book.

“Why don’t you head over there and grab it? I’ll watch Darcy.” Georgie offered and I shook my head.

“I have something on my ipad.” I told her grabbing it from the side and going through the apps, “hey baby, come here.”

Darcy crawled into my lap and started to read the words from the device slowly. I held her close pressing kisses to her head with every perfectly read word she spoke. The bus started moving and I briefly wondered why the other inhabitants of the bus weren’t on it but it was the middle of the day, they were probably just on a different bus.

“Harry wants you to call him.” Georgie tried again and I slid my finger across the screen to reveal a new page for Darcy to read.

“You’re so clever baby,” I smiled kissing her cheek, “mummy loves you so much.”

“Mummy and Daddy muah!” She looked up at me and I gave her a soft smile pushing her hair off her face.

She looked so much like him that it made my heart physically ache in my chest. I blinked back the rising tears in my eyes as I thought about the sibling she would never know, the son or daughter I would never teach to read and suddenly I was thrusting her at Georgie before practically running into the bathroom. I closed the door sinking to the floor and closed my eyes taking deep breaths in and out. The room was cramped with my feet touching the bottom of the toilet, my arm pressed against the glass of the shower door on one side and the sink on the other but the door had a lock. I was safe in the knowledge that until I slide the bolt across I’d be alone with my thoughts and tears. I needed to calm myself down enough to see Darcy again, I couldn’t let her see me cry and the longer I stayed in here the more sympathetic Georgie was going to look when I eventually made it back out. Standing up I looked in the mirror washing my face quickly but it didn’t help get rid of the deep bags that had developed under my eyes or the parts of my lips that I had bitten to pieces. I looked a mess, my hair hated Georgie’s shampoo and I knew that if Lou were to lay eyes on me right now she would probably pass out at the state of it. I had spent the past days in a pair of Georgie’s sweatpants and a tour t-shirt which I had been sleeping and living in and it was definitely starting to smell like something had died in them. I took a deep breath and opened the door to see Georgie watching Darcy play on a game on the ipad.

“Blair,” Georgie stood up and I bit my lip shaking my head.

“I’m going to have a shower.” I told her and she nodded, “do you have something I could wear?”

“Harry gave me this.” She walked over to the door and picked up a bag I hadn’t noticed before.

I didn’t say anything as I took the bag into the bathroom with me. Unzipping the duffel I took out my toiletry bag, I unzipped it to find my toothpaste, toothbrush and shampoo but also his body wash. I held it in my hand for a minute before uncapping it and smelling it, I bit my lip as my senses woke up to him and my heart stuttered at the memory of what his skin tasted like, my tongue twitched as it remembered what it felt like to run along his collarbone with the remnants of this smell lingering on his skin, tainting it. I placed the items in the shower before turning back to pull out a pair of leggings, fresh underwear and his old Burberry heart print shirt. I ran my fingers over the material as flashbacks of ripping it off of him in a deserted corridor at his birthday all those years ago, the night that I first realized that I wouldn’t be able to keep away from him and everything changed. It was one of my favourite shirts of his and he knew how much it meant to me, how much I loved wearing it and feeling like the fabric was him holding me. I lifted it to my face and held my breath unsure if I wanted to know how much it smelt like him, a brief moment of weakness had me inhale the smell of him and I realized he must have worn it before giving it to me. It was a mixture of his body wash; aftershave and natural smell, that natural warm smell that made my toes curl because it was raw Harry. I put it on the pile of clothes to change into and noticed an envelope resting at the bottom of the bag with my name on it. I picked it up before sitting on the floor debating whether I should open it or not, did I really need to read how much he hated me for doing this to us? Did I need to see in writing his disappointment in me? Could I handle it? No. I couldn’t and my heart felt heavy in my chest as I put the envelope back in the bag. I stripped off and got into the shower scrubbing at my skin with the body wash, I felt like I was almost choking on him when the steam tainted by the smell flooded the room. After I finished in the shower I got out and dried quickly pulling the clothes on and feeling a bit more like myself as I brushed my teeth. The mirror started to clear from the condensation of my shower and I saw myself dressed in Harry’s shirt staring back at me. I popped the collar and watched myself smell the collar before tightening it around me. God I missed him.

I grabbed my stuff and threw it all back in the bag to take out the bathroom. I tossed it onto the bunk I’d been sleeping in and walked into the lounge to see Niall sat there and no Georgie.

“Hey.” He stood up and I froze, “Blair.”

“Why are you here?” I asked as Darcy walked over to me.

I bent down and picked her holding her on my hip and she snuggled into my neck.

“I wanted to see you.” He sat back down slowly watching me carefully.

“How did you get on the bus?” I asked and he licked his bottom lip.

“When you were in the shower the bus stopped and Georgie got on our bus so that I could come on here.” Niall explained and I nodded holding Darcy tightly.

“Does he know you’re on here?” I asked my voice dropping as I referred to Harry.

“Yea.” He rubbed his lips together, “he’s upset that I’m here and he’s not.”

I didn’t say anything as I moved to sit on the floor with Darcy resting between my legs, she picked up a colouring book and started playing with the crayons that Georgie had obviously left out for her.

“Are you okay?” He asked moving to sit on the floor opposite me.

“Never better.” I ground my teeth together and he sighed.

“It’s okay to be sad B.” He moved to sit beside me and I flinched as his shoulder brushed mine, “you shouldn’t push us all away.”

“I’m not.” I spoke quietly and he bit his lip, “I just can’t do it Niall. I can’t look at him.”

“Why?” Niall asked and I shrugged running my fingers through Darcy’s hair.

“I just can’t.” I was almost crying as I thought about him, “I can’t do it Niall. I just can’t.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on his chest closing my eyes as I let out a shaky breath.

“How is he?” I spoke so quietly I half hoped he hadn’t heard me.

“Not good.” He rubbed his hand up and down my back, “Louis hasn’t left his side.”

I didn’t know what to say, Niall just held me tightly and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. We sat in silence watching Darcy until he stood up to make us a cup of tea.

“Are you okay munchkin?” I asked her tucking some hair behind her ear.

“Why are you and Daddy sad?” She asked and I shook my head.

“We aren’t sad baby.” I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth.

“Why are you both crying?” She blinked up at me and I felt my breath catch in my throat at her wide-eyed curiosity.

“We just are baby,” I tried to decide what to say to her, “we love you very much though.”

“Why aren’t you together?” She asked, “You’re never sad around Daddy.”

“Sometimes Mummy needs some space,” I tried to explain.

“Hey Darce, come here.” Niall stood in the doorway and she cocked her head to the side and he grinned, “I brought you a present?”

“What is it?” She narrowed her eyes suspiciously and I couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.

He revealed a lollipop from behind his back and she squealed standing up to run over to take it from him. It was a circular lollipop, a rainbow swirl and something that she shouldn’t really be eating but she looked happy as she started licking it.

“Can you tell mummy which each colour is?” I asked her and she nodded, “come on then.”

She beamed before pointing at each colour and telling me what they were, Niall came in with two mugs and sat down telling Darcy how clever she was as she named the colours.

“I reckon you’re smarter than you’re mum.” Niall told her and I smiled, “I know you’re smarter than you’re dad.”

“No. Mummy is the cleverest person ever.” She told Niall shaking her head and he laughed.

“Who told you that?” He asked and I watched curiously to hear her answer.

“Daddy did.” She told us with a nod, “He told me mummy was cleverer than everybody.”

“Did he now?” I laughed softly as she nodded, “when did he tell you that?”

“Days ago.” She shrugged licking her lolly.

I didn’t say anything as I leant my head on Niall’s shoulder; he pressed a kiss to the top of my head and grabbed the ipad from the sofa pulling up something for Darcy to watch. He settled her on the sofa with a blanket over her legs and the ipad propped up on a stand for her to watch before he moved back to me.

“I’m here to talk to if you want.” He stroked my head as I moved to rest it on his legs.

“I don’t want to talk.” I told him, “I don’t know what I want Niall.”

“I can’t tell you what you what I’m afraid.” He ran his fingers through my hair, “but I can tell you that you need to talk to him.”

“No I don’t.” I shook my head and he sighed.

“You do,” He told me firmly, “you two are better together than you are apart and I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you both like this. It isn’t right and it isn’t fair Blair. It isn’t fair to yourself to isolate yourself from him, you’ve said yourself over and over again that you are more you with him than without and right now you look like you could do with a good dose of yourself.”

“I don’t want me.” I sniffed and he sighed.

“Then don’t do it for you, do it for him.” Niall sounded slightly angry and I sighed, “you should see him Blair. He’s a mess.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.” I told him and he let out a hollow laugh.

“It isn’t meant to.” Niall let out a sigh heavier than I had ever heard from him.

I looked up as he ran a hand through the front of his hair pulling it up slightly and I took a moment to properly look at him for the first time since I’d first seen him sat on the bus. He had deep dark black marks under his eyes and the rims of his eyes were red raw like he’d spent a lot of time rubbing them. His lips were chapped to the point I could make out the bits of flakey skin and his nails were bitten right down.

“He needs you Blair. I don’t know what it’s like to be you right now and I’m not going to sit here and pretend to but I know you love him. I know you love him more than anything in the world and I don’t understand how you can sit on this bus knowing that he is pulling himself apart over there. That he hasn’t slept since you walked out on him, that he won’t eat anything and that when he’s not crying he’s just sat staring into space in silence. I don’t know what is worse at this point.” Niall took a breath before speaking again, “I’m pulling my hair out B and I don’t know what to do. I was so ready to be angry with you, to drag you off this bus and back where you belong but then I saw you walk out that bathroom and I can’t do it. I know you’re grieving babe, I know you are and I know you’re a mess inside right now. I just don’t know what to do with either of you other than to put you together. Like you should be.”

I sat up pulling my legs up and tucking my knees under my chin hugging my legs with my arms.

“I don’t know anymore Niall.” I whispered and he looked confused, “I don’t think I’m what’s best for Harry.”

“What the hell are you saying Blair?” He scrunched his eyebrows together and I sighed biting my bottom lip.

“I don’t know, this is the thing. I don’t know what I’m saying or doing at the moment but I know it’s best if it’s not around Harry.” I rubbed my lips together for a minute looking over at Darcy, “she’s the only reason I didn’t fly home.”

“You’re pushing us all away again Blair,” Niall spoke quietly and I didn’t respond, “just like you did years ago but we’re not going to let you. We’re not going to sit back and watch you do this again.”

“I don’t think you get to make the decision.” I turned to look at him, “I’m pretty sure I get to decide what I do.”

The bus stopped and Niall stood up picking up Darcy as he went, he grabbed the bag of stuff before turning to me as I sat on the floor. He held her on his hip and she was sucking her lolly happily holding it with one hand and the other was in his hair stroking it.

“I get that grief is hard, that it hurts but I won’t sit by and let you hurt not only yourself but Harry as well.” He licked his bottom lip his head moving to the side as Darcy tugged at it, “you’ve always said that you never want to hurt Darcy, that you’d do anything to stop it and I’m telling you right now that if you go down this root that is exactly what you’re going to do. She’s asking questions Blair, she knows something isn’t right and it’s not going to be long before it starts affecting her. Maybe think about that before you choose how you’re going to deal with this.”

My lips parted in surprise as I watched him walk off the bus with my daughter. It took me a moment before I grabbed my bag checking that I had everything, I pulled on the heeled boots I’d been wearing the other night before getting off of the bus for the first time since I’d climbed onto it 4 days ago. I walked quickly, looking around the car park to understand where we were before I made it to the exit. Paul was talking to two men who were obviously in charge of letting people in and out of the lot.

“Blair.” Paul sounded surprised, he told the men he’d be back and moved over to me.

He pulled me into a hug and I stiffened in his arms for a moment before hugging him back. It felt surreal to be out in the world again, seeing that people’s worlds where still going on despite the fact mine had stopped.

“Where are you going?” He asked and I bit my lip.

“I don’t know.” I shook my head and he sighed.

“It’s getting late.” He told me and I nodded, “I can’t just let you go.”

“You can,” I nodded, “I just need to get out of here for an hour.”

“Where?” He asked and I bit my lip.

“I’m just going to walk around till I find a pub.” I told him and he sighed.

“Go to Flaherty’s,” He scratched the back of his neck, “it’s a 5 minute walk if you turn right out of here, just keep walking and stay there yea? I’d rather know where the hell you were.”

“Please don’t tell them where I am.” I begged and he sighed.

“Alright Blair, but if you aren’t back in two hours I’ll send out a search party for you.” He warned and I nodded.

“Thanks Paul.” I pressed a kiss to his cheek before walking out the gate and turning right.

I walked along the road looking at the passing cars as they sped past. There were groups of people walking together and laughing making my heart clench in jealousy that they were happy, that they were just going about their lives normally whilst I felt anything but normal. I finally spotted the sign for the pub and pushed the door open to reveal a quiet pub, there were a few other people but they were all in booths talking quietly. It was a typical Irish bar with posters of old Guinness adverts on the walls, I walked up to the bar leaning on the dark wood as I waited to be served.

“Can I help ya?” The bartender had black hair and if the accent hadn’t given him away than the grin and sparkle in his eye would have told me he was Irish.

“A Guinness please.” I told him and he raised an eyebrow before nodding.

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing on ya own?” He asked and I shrugged.

“Sometimes you just need a bit of quiet.” I admitted and he nodded as he stopped pulling the pint and waited for it to settle, “it’s quiet in here.”

“Still early.” He shrugged, “I guess that’s what you were looking for though?”

“I’m not really sure what I’m looking for,” I bit my lip watching as he finished pouring the pint.

“Lost soul?” He asked and I shrugged, “where’s ya husband?”

He nodded at the ring on my finger and I spun it around my finger with my thumb thinking carefully before answering.

“With our daughter,” I pulled my purse out to pay for the pint, “I’m not sure on the lost soul thing though.”

“You’re a mum,” He chuckled handing my change back, “you’re not a lost soul, mum’s don’t have lost souls. It’s the law.”

“My mum did.” I shrugged taking a sip of the pint, “I guess she broke that law.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re a law breaker though.” He leant on the bar watching me curiously.

“I guess not.” I pursed my lips before drinking my pint.

“You can feel a little lost without being a lost soul you know?” He bit his lip; “sometimes you need someone to guide you to where you want to be.”

“What if I don’t know where I want to be?” I raised an eyebrow and he let out a breathy chuckle.

“Than I guess that husband and you will be walking around lost together for a while.” He shrugged before moving to serve someone else across the bar.

I drank some more of my pint as thought over his words, did I really want to be lost with Harry? He’d be feeling lost as well and surely with how lost I felt I’d just be making him worse? The blind shouldn’t lead the blind. I sighed as I moved my gaze around the pub watching the different people interacting together, I finished my pint before ordering another and this time the bartender didn’t say anything to me. He gave me my drink and moved back across the bar as if he was giving me space and I was grateful.

“Blair,” a voice said behind me and I turned scrunching my eyebrows together at the voice, “of all the gin joints…”

“Nick Grimshaw,” I shook my head and he laughed softly.

“Come here.” He pulled me off the seat and wrapped me up in a hug.

I didn’t realize how much I needed to see him until he was in front of me, how much I craved seeing that stupid quiff and to feel his ridiculously long arms wrapped around me. I nestled my face into his neck and he let out a long draw out breath as he squeezed me. He pressed soft kisses to the side of my head and I bit on my lip to stop myself bursting out crying.

“I’m jetlagged.” He mumbled and I let out a breathy laugh, “it’s not funny, do you know how long I had to be on a plane to get here to see you?”

“I didn’t ask you to.” I rolled my eyes and he hummed.

“No but Harry did.” He pulled back wiping his thumbs under my eyes to remove the tears I didn’t realize had fallen, “he’s worried about you.”

“I know.” I whispered and he sighed.

“I’m worried about you B.” He took hold of my hand lacing our fingers together, “I’m here for you. However long you need me.”

“Fincham is going to kill you.” I shook my head and he rolled his eyes.

“Fuck Fincham.” He huffed and I giggled.

“You’ve been trying to for years.” I gave him a small smile and he sighed dramatically.

“Yea and the dickhead has been pretending to be straight!” He moved to sit on the stool next to the one I’d been occupying, “I know it’s hard for some to come out but for Pete’s sake, he’s not fooling anyone with those cardigans of his!”

I giggled and he gave me a wide smile before bringing our laced hands up to his mouth and kissed along my knuckles.

“Anne is here.” He told me and I bit my lip.

“Is she?” I spun my pint around and he nodded, “is she here for Harry?”

“She’s worried about you.” He squeezed my hand and I sighed.

“Everyone seems to be,” I rubbed my lips together for a minute, “I’m capable of looking after myself you know?”

“We know.” He nodded, “but we want to look after you B and I know you hate that. I know you like doing things alone but you don’t have to.”

“Can I have two more Guinness’ please?” I asked the barman who nodded.

“He your husband?” He asked and I giggled.

“Sort of.” I looked over at Nick who rolled his eyes.

“I'm not her husband, just the third wheel,” He shrugged, “she wishes her husband was as good looking as me.”

The barman laughed and I moved to rest my head on Nick’s shoulder smiling softly as he wrapped his arm around me. I looked up at him and he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“You’ll really be here as long as I need you?” I asked and he smiled softly.

“Of course I will.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, “we’ll do this together. The four of us.”

“Four of us?” I asked and he nodded.

“You and me.” He said and I nodded, “Harry and Darcy. I’m putting you three back together again. Back to being that annoying family that we all tease you about but love nonetheless.”

“You know you’re a pretty key part of that family right? Even though you’re not Darcy’s godfather.” I spoke softly and he nodded.

“I was going to be a godfather to someone who was so special they were needed in heaven more.” He spoke quietly catching a tear that fell from my eye.

“My arms ache.” I whispered and he looked at me confused, “I feel like a mother with no baby.”

“You’ve had two babies B,” Nick squeezed my hand, “just one is here and the other is watching over us.”

“It hurts.” I told him and he nodded.

“It’ll get easier.” He sighed, “you just need some time to get there.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I bit my lip looking at the pint.

“We’ll do it B, I promise you.” He took a sip of his pint, “the four of us.”

“You have froth on your lip.” I giggled softly wiping it from his lip.

“You know when I say the four of us I also mean more cause those boys are loosing their heads over not being near you.” Nick told me and I hung my head down, “they get it Blair, they do but they love you and want to be there for you. Louis is a mess.”

“He’s been with Harry.” I told him and Nick nodded, “I asked him to look after him for me.”

“I know.” He squeezed my hand, “though I think Harry would prefer to be with you.”

“What if I make him worse?” I asked and Nick shook his head.

“You know that isn’t possible, you know that Harry will always be better with you than without you.” He told me and I sighed rubbing my palm across my forehead.

“I can’t see him yet.” I told Nick who sighed.

“Not tonight.” He nodded, “I got us a hotel room.”

“I’m a married woman Nick.” I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed.

“You don’t have a penis so I think you’re safe.” He stood up and I followed. “Let’s get some sleep.”

He threw an arm over my shoulders as we walked down the road; he pulled me to rest my weight on him as I wrapped an arm around his waist. The familiarity of being close to Nick again made the vice grip around my heart unclench slightly and as he started rambling on about some ridiculous event that had happened to him and Anne on the plane I started to feel like I could breathe slightly easier. I knew I wasn’t okay, that I still didn’t know what to do with myself but maybe I needed Nick to help me stop being lost again so I could help Harry without making him worse. I knew that loosing the baby was still my fault that I could have prevented it and I wondered if Nick would look at me differently if I told him what had happened. If he’d look at me like I knew Harry would look at me when he found out that it was entirely my fault that our baby was dead. I bit my lip as my thoughts trailed to Darcy, would Harry try and stop me from seeing her after he found out? I tightened my grip on Nick’s waist and he looked down at me curiously before squeezing my shoulder and carrying on a story I knew he was telling to try and distract me.