Isn't She Lovely?

“Breakfast Blair,” Nick sighed and I crossed my arms, “we’ll go down for it, we don’t even have to talk to anyone.”

“They’ll talk to me.” I leant against the desk and ran a hand over my face, “I don’t know if I can do this Nick.”

“Blair,” He stood up and put his hands on my shoulders, “you are the strongest woman I have ever met and if you weren’t married to Harry I’d contemplate turning straight for you. You can do this. We’ll go sit on our own table, have a cup of tea and some food then go do something else.”

“I don’t know.” I bit my lip and he took my hand in his.

“Trust me Blair.” He tugged at my hand as he walked backwards.

I let him lead me out grabbing my bag on the way, his hand firmly held mine as we walked towards the lift and he pressed the button to call it. He dropped my hand and wrapped an arm around my shoulder pressing a kiss to the side of my head.

“Little steps.” He mumbled into my temple, “this a good first step.”

It wasn’t lost on me that he purposely hadn’t used the word baby and I was grateful for his change of phrase. We got in the lift and my hands started shaking as we started descending, I was going to see Harry for the first time in nearly a week and my stomach was turning in a completely different way than it usually would be.

“Nick.” I stopped before we walked into the breakfast room, “I can’t do this.”

“Blair.” He shook his head at me, “trust me babe. I would never try and make you do something I didn’t know you could handle.”

I brought one of my shaky hands up to my mouth biting on the skin by my thumbnail before nodding and taking his hand with my own.

“Come on.” He gave me a soft smile and didn’t comment on the way my hand was moving in his.

He opened the door and I ducked my head down only looking at the back of Nick’s feet as he led us in. I could feel people looking at me and I tugged at the hoodie of Nick’s I was wearing self consciously, the room was silent and I bit down on my lip as the silence seemed to heighten the volume of my thoughts.

“Nick,” I whispered and he squeezed my hand.

“Tea?” He asked and I realized we were in front of a large buffet of food.

“Please.” I breathed out and let him pour me a cup of tea and placed it on the tray he had grabbed.

I followed behind him as he picked up two of everything, I was like a little lost puppy clinging onto him to lead me through this and I was trying to block out everyone else in the room. I felt something grab my leg and I looked down to see Darcy, I stopped moving alongside Nick and crouched down stroking a hand through her hair.

“Hey munchkin.” I smiled softly at her and she smiled back.

“Mummy muah!” She held her arms out and I picked her put pressing a few kisses over her face.

“Darcy muah.” I told her and she giggled holding my face in her hands and giving me a hard kiss, “mummy loves you baby.”

I looked to the side to see Louis standing next to Nick whispering in his ear harshly. I tightened my grip of Darcy and watched as Nick shook his head and said something to Louis that made Louis’ shoulder sink. He looked over at me and caught me in an eye contact that made my heart race. He walked over to me and I took a step back.

“You need to be somewhere else Lou.” I told him firmly and he sighed, “I need you to do this Lou. You know I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need this.”

“B,” He took another step towards me and I stepped back.

“Nick.” I looked over Louis’ shoulder, “can we eat now?”

“Sure.” He nodded and I turned to Darcy.

I rested my lips against her forehead inhaling the fresh smell of her hair and hugged her tightly before pulling away, she reached up and traced along my lips before I put her down.

“You should go back to Daddy,” I told her and I could feel his eyes on me, watching my every move, “I love you munchkin.”

“Mummy.” She shook her head and I gave her a smile.

“I’ll see you later baby, I promise.” I stroked her hair softly, “just go back and give Daddy a big cuddle yea?”

“Why don’t you?” His voice brought tears instantly to my eyes and I could feel him looking at me from behind where I stood, “why don’t you give me a cuddle?”

I took a deep shaky breath and gave Darcy one last kiss on the forehead and walked away from where she stood and where Harry was talking to me. Nick held his hand out to me and I took it letting him lead me away to the far corner of the room, my back facing the rest of the room.

“Drink this.” He pushed the cup of tea at me and I took it gratefully.

“I don’t think I’m hungry anymore Nick.” I admitted and he sighed.

“Please just try and eat something yea?” He gave me a bowl of fruit, a yoghurt and a slice of toast, “you need to keep your strength up for that little girl of yours.”

I started eating my yoghurt and listened to Nick talk about a date he’d been on back home the other week. I nodded along, laughing softly when he said something funny and tried to tune out the eyes I could feel on my back.

“Why’d you send Louis away Blair?” Nick eventually asked and I bit my lip.

“He knows why.” I took a sip of my tea and Nick raised an eyebrow at me, “I need him to be with Harry.”

“I know that B, but he wants to be with you as well.” Nick reached across the table and took my hand in his, “he needs to be there for you.”

“I don’t need anyone.” I told Nick who sighed heavily.

“I know you don’t but that doesn’t stop the rest of us wanting to be there for you.” He squeezed my hand; “the boys have a concert tonight.”

I didn’t say anything as I looked down at our laced hands, I tried to stop my thoughts from going to Harry but they did instantly. I wondered how he felt about getting up on that stage tonight and performing as if everything was okay, as if our world hadn’t been completely ripped apart only days ago.

“You should be there,” He spoke softly almost like he was scared I’d run away, “I know you can’t be there for him right now, but please see that he needs you there tonight if he’s going to go out on that stage tonight.”

I didn’t say anything rubbing my lips together as I thought about what Nick was asking me. Was I really going to be able to stand on the side of the stage and watch him tonight? I didn’t know if I could handle laying eyes on him let alone see him struggle with what he had to do tonight.

“Is he really performing?” I asked quietly and he nodded, “seriously?”

“You know him B, he’s never missed a show.” He bit his lip nervously, “he’s finding it tough though babe, he needs you there for him tonight and I know you know that.”

“I know.” I traced a pattern on the table with my finger watching it move, “I’ll try and be there Nick. I will.”

“Okay.” He nodded standing up and offering me his hand, “what are we doing today?”

“I need to go to the gym.” I told him and he snorted.

“You’re kidding right?” He blinked at me confused as I stood up next to him.

“I need to go to the gym Nick,” I cracked a small smile, “you don’t have to come with, I don’t need my hand held whilst I run on the treadmill!”

“I hate the gym.” He huffed and I rolled my eyes, “you go gym for an hour.”

“Two.” I corrected him and he raised an eyebrow.

“Two hours?” He asked and I nodded.

“I have baby weigh with no baby to shift.” I told him bitterly and he took in a sharp inhale of breath.

“Right. Okay.” He ran a hand through his hair and nodded, “you do that and I’ll do other stuff and we can meet up in the room after?”

“You don’t have to refer to going and seeing him as other stuff Nick.” I told him as we walked towards the lifts, “I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”

Nick hummed for a moment and pressed a kiss to my forehead before stepping back.

“See I don’t think you can.” He shrugged backing away, “which is why I’m here.”

I shook my head at him as I got into the lift and he walked towards the lounge area that the boys had gone to before sound check. I hurried into the room and changed into my gym clothes, pausing in front of the mirror to look at my stomach and ran my hand over the barely visible bump that kept making me feel physically sick. I grabbed the key to the room off the side and my iPod before leaving the room; I rode the lift down to the gym suite and headed straight to the treadmill. I dumped my iPod and keys on the side and started stretching before my work out.

“Hey.” His voice was a soft and I bit my lip.

“Hi Zayn.” I tried to keep my tone even before getting on the machine and starting it up.

“You’re working out.” He commented and I nodded.

“That’s what you do in a gym.” I stared increasing the speed and picked up my headphones as Zayn got on the machine next to me, “I’m not looking to have a heart to heart with you right now.”

“I know.” He nodded, “mind if you just listen to me speak for a while?”

“Depends what it is you’re talking to me about.” I stopped fiddling with my iPod and relaxed into a steady jog.

“Perrie.” He glanced over and watched me slowly nod, “okay, we went on a date.”

“You did?” I raised an eyebrow and he nodded.

“Took her for sushi.” He matched my pace.

“I bet the press loved that.” I commented and he coughed awkwardly, “what?”

“The press have been covering an entirely different story about the band recently. Kind of gave us a free pass.” I watched him pursed his lips awkwardly together in the mirror.

“What story?” I asked.

“The sushi was good but it was weird. Like we had this thing looming over us, you know?” Zayn sighed and I felt my jaw twitch.

“What story are the press covering Zayn?” I snapped and he huffed.

“You don’t want to know this Blair. It’s all bullshit.” He growled and I glared straight forward in the mirror.

“Zayn.” I demanded and he took a deep breath.

“You and H, it’s about how you’re marriage has collapsed.” He licked his lip, “just cause you two have only been seen separately and then someone leaked that you were staying on different buses. They don’t know shit about you two.”

“I guess.” I nodded biting my lip as I thought about how Harry would be taking that, “so this date.”

“Blair.” Zayn said softly and I shook my head hating the sympathetic vibes coming off of him.

“Sushi?” I asked, “what did you order?”

“The usual.” He shrugged obviously choosing to let it lie, “but there was a weird atmosphere.”

“So what’s your thought process after the date?” I asked and he sighed.

“I think I’m walking away.” He said carefully, “my heart isn’t in it with her anymore. God, I wish it was but it isn’t.”

“Do you think it could be after time?” I asked and he pursed his lips.

“You know that the relationships that work, work because the two people have their hearts completely in it. Neither are half arsing it.” He shook his head, “I deserve someone who I’m crazy about and that’s crazy about me as well. Not someone who’ll believe every rumour that I’ve cheated on her or someone who comes back and loves the flashes of the cameras. God I loved her Blair. I loved her so fucking much but it isn’t the same. We both walked away, twice and I just don’t think a third time is going to be any different.”

“You’re completely sure about this aren’t you?” I glanced over and he nodded.

“Since saying it out loud to you just now, yea. Yea I am.” He took a long gulp of his water as he continued to keep pace with me, “I didn’t realize that’s how I felt.”
I didn’t say anything as I continued to run, we fell into the kind of comfortable silence you can only have with someone who knows you. Someone who knows the terrible thoughts that have haunted you in the past and has helped quieten them. Zayn was good as being quiet with me and it was a quality that the other boys didn’t tend to have, they could do it briefly but none had the staying power that Zayn had.

“You’re hair is different.” I commented as I got off the treadmill.

“Georgie dyed it.” He nodded following me over to the weight machines.

“It looks good.” I nodded settling down and working on my legs.

“Why are you working out like a crazy person?” He asked between gulps of water.

“Just need to shift some weight.” I explained closing my eyes and leaning back on the seat and focusing on the burn in my legs.

“No you don’t.” He sounded confused, “you look amazing B.”

“I look like I’m pregnant.” I told him keeping my eyes firmly closed, “and I’m not pregnant anymore so I shouldn’t look like this. I need to look like me again.”

“Blair.” He sighed and I pressed my lips tightly together, “stop it, open your eyes and look at me.”

“You can leave Zayn. I don’t need counseling today.” I clenched my jaw together and he sighed.

“I just want to give you a hug.” He told me and I stopped moving, “I want to help you Blair or I just want to be there for you till you figure out that you can’t do this alone. That you need us Blair.”

“I don’t need anyone Zayn.” I stood up grabbing my iPod and went to walk away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his chest.

He was sweating heavily from trying to keep up with me earlier on the treadmill and as he closed his arms around my back I knew I was in a similar situation. My face was sticking to where my face was pressed against the sweaty skin on his neck. My arms remained by my sides and I didn’t move to hug him back as he held me.

“I don’t care what you want to do Blair. If you want to punch me and scream in my face. If you want to get out of here and get blind drunk or if you want to go up to the roof and get high. Whatever you need Blair.” He squeezed me close, “this is me. This is what we do. Whatever you need, we do it.”

“What if I just want to be alone?” I mumbled out and he sighed.

“We can be alone together.” He pulled away and I stared up at him as he tucked a piece of hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ear, “let’s work out Blair.”

I didn’t say anything as I moved to get on the cross trainer with Zayn following behind me. He kept pace next to me and started telling me about a story he’d seen on the news about a three-legged cat that had received a robotic leg. I didn’t offer much in the way of response but he continued to talk. The constant noise from him started to mute the voices in my head slightly but the moment I thought I could hear clearly they would come back screaming. Reminding me that it was all my fault that I didn’t have a baby anymore. That I was the reason that Harry was around here someone feeling completely destroyed.



“Three hours isn’t that impressive Nick.” I shook my head as I walked through the maze of corridors.

I had my head ducked down to avoid the looks of the crew as I headed in the vague direction of the stage. The boys weren’t due on for another 15 minutes but I didn’t feel like I should go into the dressing room so elected to stand by the side of the stage and maybe snag an empty box to sit on for the set.

“Was it a solid three hours?” He asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Not really. Lots of stretches and breathing exercises.” I explained, “what did you get up to?”

“Watched a film.” He shrugged sliding onto the box I’d sat down on.

“Nice.” I nodded and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“I’m proud of you for coming here,” he brought me closer to him and kissed my temple, “he needs you tonight.”

“I know.” I nodded spinning my water bottle around in my hands.

“Blair.” A voice was soft behind me and I knew it was Anne without having to look around, “sweetheart.”

She appeared in front of me and placed her hand on my knee, I looked up to see her looking at me with a soft understanding. I opened my mouth and closed it again when no sound came out.

“Can I hug you?” She asked and I blinked back tears as I nodded.

She sweeped me off the box and into her arms and I clung onto her. The woman who had raised the only boy I had ever loved, the woman who had wiped away more tears of mine than my own mother and she was hugging me back tightly. Like I hadn’t pushed her son away, like I wasn’t the reason she didn’t have a second granddaughter or son and I felt guilty. Like I wasn’t deserving of her understanding or her love that she seemed too willing to give me.

“Anne,” I breathed out as she released me, “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologise love,” she pushed my hair off my face, “I’m here for you as much as I’m here for him. I love you Blair, like you’re my own.”

“I just…” I trailed off and she nodded squeezing one of my hands in hers.

“I know love, I know.” She gave me a soft smile, “but you’re here now. You’re here when he needs you and I know he’s going to really appreciate it.”

I didn’t say anything as she moved to sit next to me and the lights on stage cut out. I took a deep breath as Georgie appeared holding Darcy and sat next to Nick. The music started and my palms started to sweat at the realization that this was happening. Harry was going to be performing in front of that crowd tonight despite running on no sleep and being completely destroyed by the loss of our baby and me pushing him away. I don’t think I’d ever marveled Harry’s strength more than in that moment. The boys appeared in the middle of the stage and my breath caught in my throat as Harry glanced to the side and saw me. His eyes connected with mine as he walked along the stage in our direction singing with the group. I gave him a nod and he returned it before turning to look out at the crowd. I felt Nick put his hand on my knee and I looked up at him.

“I think I’m going to puke.” I told him and Nick handed me my water bottle.

“You’re fine Blair, you are exactly where you need to be.” He kissed my forehead and I leant into his touch closing my eyes.

The set moved on and an upbeat song had Darcy dancing in front of us, dancing just from the beat on the floor and I couldn’t help but smile. I stood up and took her hand, she looked up with a large smile as I danced with her and sung along with the song. I glanced to the side to see Harry with a smile on his face watching us to the point he missed his line of the song and I giggled softly as he made a face about it, the smile he gave me when he realized I laughed was pretty close to splitting his face in two. I had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. How heart stopping that smile of his was. I bent down and picked Darcy up turning away from the stage and burying my face in the side of her neck before sitting back down and positioning her on my lap.

“This is one of my favourite songs Harry has ever written I reckon.” Niall grinned tuning the guitar and Harry nodded grabbing his guitar from a tech guy.

He adjusted it on his body and walked over to where the mic stand was. I bit my lip watching the two of them stand next to each other. I was pretty sure I knew what the song was and when Niall strummed the first cord it hit me right in the heart and my head spun trying to comprehend how Harry was still up there.



“This is so hard.” I giggled trying to move the guitar to sit right on my stomach.

“It's cause munchkin is getting so big.” Harry grinned reaching out and holding my belly before leaning down and pressing kisses over it.

“Ouch!” I groaned as the baby kicked against Harry’s touches, “I wish munchkin wasn’t so responsive to your touch. I swear I’m internally bruised.”

“My baby just loves me,” he grinned before laying down next to me, “now come on woman!”

“Can’t you just play,” I whined and he grinned.

“We’re both playing.” He lifted himself back into a sitting position and pulled the guitar into his lap, “we’re writing a song about our baby.”

“Eugh, fine.” I crossed my legs as best I could and rested the guitar in a relatively comfortable position, “do you have any ideas about this?”

“I do.” He nodded before closing his eyes and strumming a melody that made munchkin kick in my stomach.

I put my hand on the side looking down at my belly as Harry started to hum along with the melody.

“Baby loves that.” I told him looking up as he stopped and grinned.

“Yea?” He asked and I nodded, “okay.”

“Play it again.” I told him and he nodded.

I listened for a moment before I started playing a tune around it. Writing a song with Harry wasn’t something I had ever done before but we were trying this out. There was a pad between us and I reached for it humming as I wrote words down, he moved to look at what I was writing over my shoulder pressing his lips up my neck softly humming the melody into my skin.

“I’ll always be there,” I sung softly and he nodded moving to play as I sung, “to help you when you fall. Baby I will always be there. Nothing you could ever do would stop me.”

Harry sung over me and I couldn’t help the smile or stop the kicks in my stomach. I giggled and put my guitar down laying back and closing my eyes as Harry continued to sing and we threw in new lines and changed up the melody. My hands on my stomach judging munchkin’s reactions and feeding them back to Harry. He eventually ended up laying next to me with his hands on my bump and his head just above it so that munchkin could hear him loud and clear.

“This is for you baby,” he rubbed his hand over, “from your mummy and me.”

“I think munchkin knows,” I smiled softly at him and he moved to kiss me.

“I love you.” He rested his forehead against mine and I giggled rubbing my nose against his playfully.

“Even though I’m huge?” I asked laughter lacing my words already knowing his answer.

“Just more of you to love.” He shrugged with a smile, “you’re so beautiful B.”

“You’re pretty dashing yourself Harold.” I pushed his hair back off his face and he grinned, “and if I haven’t told you lately, I love you.”

“Yea?” He raised an eyebrow and I nodded.

“Yea.” I smiled my hand going to the back of his hair.

My fingers ran through the ends for a minute as he watched me curiously before I pulled his lips down on mine.

“We should finish this song,” he mumbled into my lips as he pull back, “like now, if I carry on kissing you I’m going to completely lose my trail of thought.”

I giggled as he sat back up and pulled his guitar onto his lap, I moved to get the other guitar and we finished the song between soft kisses and touches. A song completely dedicated to our love to each other, our baby and the other babies we planned on having in the future.



“Why are they singing this?” I breathed out my eyes fixed on Harry who was singing and looking at the floor directly in front of him.

“Blair,” Anne was watching me carefully.

“This isn’t right.” I stood up and practically thrust Darcy into Nick’s arms.

“Love,” Anne reached for my hand as I walked closer to the stage.

“This is wrong.” I turned back to Georgie, Anne and Nick who had Darcy squirming on his lap, “it’s not fair on him! Why the hell are they singing this?”

“It’s one of their most popular songs,” Georgie shrugged biting her lip.

“That’s besides the point!” I shook my head my jaw clenching as my hands went into fists at my sides.

“What’s the big deal with this song?” Nick asked softly and I huffed glancing over my shoulder at Harry’s deflated form.

“This song.” I shook my head biting my lip and Nick looked at me curiously, “we wrote it together when I was pregnant with Darcy. We wrote it about each other. About Darcy. About any other baby we would ever have together. This isn't okay to sing at the moment, they can't have asked him to play this. This is so unfair to him.”

“Right.” Nick nodded biting his lip, “who decides the set list?”

“Management.” I spat out, “and they are fully aware of what this song was written about. How dare they do this to him?”

The song came to an end and I turned to see Harry striding towards our side of the stage with the guitar in his hand, the boys watched as he thrust the guitar into the hands of a techie and he reached me. His hair was messy from the stage, he was in a pair of tight black jeans with large rips at the knees and a white Rolling Stones top. A white Rolling Stones top that belonged to me, the Rolling Stones top he had stolen from me when we’d started getting back together all those years ago. Just like I needed his heart print shirt when I finally dressed, when I needed the courage I only ever got from him he had needed that t-shirt. He needed that t-shirt to be his link to me when he was on that stage and my breath caught in my throat at that realization. That he didn’t hate me if he needed me on the stage with him, that even if I hated myself for everything that I had done Harry didn’t. Harry still loved me.

“Blair.” He sounded breathless as he stood in front of me, taking in my messy hair and tired appearence. I didn't look my best, I was in a pair of tight grey jeans and a green jumper of his that I'd found at the bottom of my suitcase.

I didn’t say anything but let him sweep me up into a firm hug. I froze for a minute as all my sense responded to him. Waking up to his touch wrapped around me, his breath that was panting out against my neck and the smell of him. The smell of the sweat from the lights beating down on him on the stage, the warm smell of his cologne and the smell of the product in his hair. It took me a minute before I tentatively wrapped my arms around him.

“I can’t…” he choked out and I nodded.

“I know.” I closed my eyes leaning into him, “I know. I can’t either.”