Isn't She Lovely?

“Blair,” Jay smiled pulling me into a hug before crouching down, “hello baby girl.”

“Hello.” Darcy waved and grinned at her.

I laughed as Jay cooed at her before picking her up and cuddling her.

“You’re getting so big.” She said and Darcy just grinned at her.

I followed Jay into the kitchen putting the kettle on as she sat down bouncing Darcy on her lap. It was easy being here, it was the closest to a childhood home I had really and it felt natural to move around the kitchen grabbing mugs and teabags, I grinned as I stole two teabags from Louis birthday Yorkshire tea packet.

“Is Lou in?” I asked and Jay nodded.

“He’s still in bed.” She told me and I smiled.

“I’ll make him a cup of tea, he can look after Darce.” I told her and she looked over at me curiously before nodding.

“Is everything okay B?” she asked and I hummed, “things with Harry…”

“Perfect,” I couldn’t help the smile as she brought him up, just the mention of his name still gave me butterflies, “everything with Harry is lovely.”

I poured the boiling water into the three mugs before grabbing one and walking up the stairs to a familiar bedroom. I didn’t bother knocking knowing it was useless.

“I brought you tea.” I sat on the edge of his bed by his head, “Lou.”

I pushed his hair off his face after placing the mug on his bedside table and he grunted in response.

“Come here.” He mumbled and I laughed as he pulled me into a hug, “morning B.”

“Morning Lou.” I smiled and he snuggled his face into my neck.

“I miss this.” He yawned his arms wrapping round my waist, “we don’t do this enough.”

“What? Me wake you up?” I laughed and rolled on my side so I could snuggle into him instead.

“You must have gotten up like hours ago.” He mumbled.

“Something like that.” I chuckled, “it’s only 2 hours in a car Lou.”

“I know, I did it yesterday.” He nodded and I pushed his hair back again.

“Your hair looks better off your face.” I told him and he hummed.

“Can you remember the last time you were in my bed?” he asked and I nodded.

2 years ago

“Lou,” I yawned and he groaned pulling me back to him.

“No.” he groaned, “I’m not waking up.”

“I have somewhere I need to be.” I told him and he groaned again.

“Yea, here. With me.” He told me and I laughed softly.

“I need to go back to London.” I told him and he shook his head.

“You don’t.” he told me and I rolled my eyes.

“I have to.” I wriggled and he whined.

“Stop moving your pregnant ass.” He huffed.

“Be nicer to munchkin.” I poked him and he grinned.

“My munchkin.” He told me and I rolled my eyes, “my little godchild. God I can’t believe you and Haz want me to be your baby’s godfather.”

“Who else?” I asked and he moved down to be level with my belly, “you’re like my brother Lou.”

“I love you B and you little munchkin,” he put his hands on my belly and I giggled, “so what do we think, a boy or a girl?”

“10 toes and 10 fingers with a strong heartbeat please.” I told him and he laughed, “I think a boy but Harry is adamant it’s a girl.”

“Harry’s never right, it must be a boy.” Louis grinned and I nodded laughing, “you’re going to be the best mum B. I’m so happy for you.”

“I’m happy too,” I smiled softly rubbing my belly, “who knew we’d end up here.”

“I think my mum did.” Louis grinned pressing a kiss to my stomach, “only in her head munchkin in here was mine.”

“Imagine that,” I shook my head, “me and you.”

“Me and you always B.” he winked at me, “we’re our own team.”

“We are.” I nodded and we both looked at my belly, “I hope munchkin finds it’s own Louis.”

“More like it’s own Blair,” Louis traced patterns on my exposed skin, “cause it’s a boy. Though I am probably the more kick ass one of this duo.”

“Shut up.” I shoved his head playfully and he laughed.

Present

“I need you to look after Darcy.” I said into his skin.

“Course.” He yawned stretching, “is everything alright?”

“Just want to talk to your mum,” I told him biting my lip, “about my mum.”

“Right.” He nodded, “Harry not come with you?”

“Nope,” I shook my head, “he has a meeting with management.”

“About?” Louis scrunched his eyebrows together.

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “probably something else that will mean he has to leave.”

“Don’t get bitter B,” Louis chuckled standing up and stretching, “it’s not a hot look for you.”

I stuck my tongue out childishly at him before I got up from his bed and walked out the door.

“Be quick yea? Your mum and I have a lot to talk about.” I gave him a small smile and he nodded.

“Sure.” He grabbed a shirt and pulled it over his body.

I walked back down the stairs and grabbed my tea cuddling it between my hands as I sat opposite Jay in the kitchen.

“How are things?” I asked and she shrugged.

“Can’t complain,” she stroked Darcy’s hair, “it’s a shame Eleanor had to stay in London.”

“She’s sick right?” I asked and Jay nodded.

“Some type of stomach flu Lou said.” Jay shrugged, “I can’t believe they haven’t gotten married yet.”

“They will.” I shrugged sipping my tea, “she has the ring.”

“Now she needs the wedding.” Jay sighed, “Louis doesn’t seem bothered.”

“They are both quite easy going, maybe it’s just not a big deal to them.” I bit my lip and she nodded.

“I’d like to see my baby boy get married though,” she sighed, “when you and Harry got married I thought they might get spurred on by it. It was such a beautiful wedding.”

“It was perfect.” I smiled and she nodded, “give them time.”

“Time?” she shook her head, “they have had years.”

“El and I will get married eventually.” Louis chuckled walking in, “hello favourite girl ever.”

He picked up Darcy and she squealed happily, she reached out for him to hug her and he did just that nuzzling his face into her causing her to laugh and her dimples to appear. Her dimples made my heart skip a beat everytime.

“Me and munchkin here are going to go get milkshakes.” Louis told us, “see you later.”

He dropped a kiss on my head and I pressed a kiss to Darcy’s cheeks causing her to squeal with glee before he took her away.

“So what’s on your mind B?” Jay asked and I bit my lip.

“You were friends with my mum right?” I asked her and she nodded slowly.

“I was.” She looked at her tea.

“Am I like her?” I asked and she bit her lip sighing.

“Why?” she asked, “why are you asking me this?”

“I don’t want to leave Darcy like she left me.” I told her and she didn’t say anything, “I’m scared I’ll hurt her.”

“You won’t Blair.” Jay put her hand over mine squeezing it gently.

“Why do people keep saying this?” I huffed, “I’m sure my mum didn’t sit there and think that she was going to hurt me when I was Darcy’s age.”

“Blair,” Jay sighed, “your mum left. She was always a kind of free spirit and she tried to settle with you and your Dad. She so wanted to be good at the family thing but it wasn’t her.”

“So she left.” I shook my head and Jay bit her lip.

“Your mum was fun,” she tried again, “but she wasn’t exactly…stable.”

“She was unstable?” I raised an eyebrow and Jay fell back in her seat.

“I don’t know how to word this. Your mum wasn’t into traditional life. She wanted to travel, experience everything and have no ties but she fell in love with your Dad. You weren’t exactly planned Blair. She did try but she couldn’t do it, she hated being depended on and having ties.” Jay tried to explain, “one day she just snapped.”

“Did you know?” I asked, “that she was going to leave?”

“No.” she shook her head, “I’d have told her to talk to you about it, explain and at least keep in contact.”

“A letter.” I said quietly, “maybe a card.”

Jay looked at me curiously.

“Every wish I made for the next 5 years after she left. Every birthday, eyelash and 11:11 I wished for her.” I shook my head and laughed to myself, “someone who didn’t even want me.”

“She loved you.” Jay gave me a soft smile.

“But loved herself more.” I finished and Jay didn’t say anything for a while.

“I loved you.” She told me quietly and I burst out crying, “oh Blair.”

She stood up and pulled me up into a hug stroking my hair as I cried on her shoulder. I clung to her and tried to calm myself down.

“She did love you Blair.” Jay whispered into my hair, “I love you. I love you so much. I love you as my own, I know that isn’t the same but you always have been mine Blair.”

I was a mum now, I had a daughter and I couldn’t understand how you could walk away from her. How could my mum just walk away when it’s just instinct to be there. If I could be with Darcy every second of every day I would, I would smother her completely until I died and protect her from the entire world if it wasn’t completely creepy and frowned upon to do so. I want to see her grow up, I want to see her fall in love with someone, follow her dreams and be there when she has her own children. I know I’m going to see her hurt, see her cry over some guy who doesn’t deserve my little girl and take the full force of her anger at times but I would be there to do it. I would take every door slammed in my face because she is my baby. How did my mum walk away from that?

“I just can’t understand it.” I sniffed out and Jay squeezed me slightly.

“The fact you can’t understand it Blair says a lot about you.” She said softly, “some people have terrible in their hearts and do terrible things and if you can’t understand those terrible things it’s because you aren’t like that. You don’t have it in you.”

“Am I like her?” I whispered.

“No.” she kissed my head, “you have all of her good qualities and none of her bad.”

“Her good qualities?” I looked at her and she nodded.

“Your mum had some good things about her Blair,” she wiped a tear that was rolling down my cheek,
“but the best thing about her was that she gave us you.”

I didn’t say anything as I laid my head back down on her shoulder and held her tightly. She stroked my back and whispered about how much she loved me into my hair. After a while we moved to sit outside on the decking with fresh tea.

“Are you back to London after this?” she asked and I nodded.

“Yea, I’m going to be in a bit of a rush though.” I sighed and she cocked her head to the side.

“Why?” she asked.

“Oh well Harry and I have to go to this event tonight so I need to drop Darce at Grimmy’s house before I get ready.” I bit my lip, “I don’t even know what I’m going to wear yet either. Sometimes I really hate these things.”

“That’s what you get for marrying Harry Styles doll.” Louis dropped a kiss on my cheek as Darcy ran past me with a ball in her hands, “now did I hear you’re off to London after here?”

“You did.” I nodded, “why?”

“Want to give your bestest friend in the universe a lift?” he asked and I laughed, “I don’t like trains.”

“Yea, just be ready in like an hour.” I told him and he grinned.

“Awesome,” he stood up and walked back inside.

“Always so fleeting.” Jay sighed and I bit my lip.

“He’s been up for a couple of days right?” I asked and she nodded.

“I just get used to him being here and he’s off again.” She shrugged, “he’s all grown up now, you both are.”

“We still love coming home to you.” I told her.

“I spoke to Anne,” she smiled softly, “we’ll have to do something all of us soon.”

“Definitely.” I nodded and Darcy ran towards me, “what is that munchkin?”

“Disney!” she grinned showing me her ball.

“Did uncle Louis get this for you?” I asked and she nodded.

“Louis!” she grinned and I smiled.

She went back to playing with her ball and Jay started telling me about something she had read in the paper about couples who’d been together years but hadn’t gotten married yet. I laughed as I assured her once again that Louis and Eleanor would eventually get married in their own time. It was nice to just talk to her even though in the back of my mind I was trying to process what she had told me earlier about my mum. Louis appeared and sat with his mum and I for 10 minutes before we had to go.

“Don’t be a stranger.” She hugged me tight.

“You are always welcome at ours.” I told her and she squeezed me softly, “I’ll speak to Anne, maybe you guys could all come to ours for a BBQ or something?”

“Sounds great.” She nodded and pulled Louis into hug as I double checked that Darcy was strapped in tightly.

“Love you.” Jay kissed the side of my head as I walked to the driver’s side of the Range Rover.

“Love you too.” I smiled and she pinched my cheeks playfully before saying goodbye to Darcy.

We eventually finished our goodbyes and were driving down the road when Louis chuckled, his eyes fixed on Darcy who was now asleep.

“Out like a light.” He grinned and I nodded.

“Always,” I shrugged, “I strap her in her seat and she falls asleep as soon as the car moves. Only this car though.”

“Bet you and Haz love that.” He chuckled and I grinned.

“I used to make Harry drive her round and round the block when she was a baby.” I grinned, “so she’d go to sleep and so could I.”

Louis laughed and we fell into silence, Louis started singing softly to the radio and I couldn’t stop the grin on my face.

“What?” he asked and I shrugged.

“I love your voice.” I told him, “it always makes me happy.”

He grinned before going back to singing the song. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, my eyes flicking to the backseat to check on Darcy before I changed lanes on the motorway.

“So did the chat go okay?” Louis asked and I bit my lip.

“My mum was a free spirit.” I told him pursing my lips and he cocked his head to the side, “I don’t know Louis, I just feel like there is part of me missing and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like her, I don’t want to be friends with her but part of me wants to know her. Maybe if I know her I’ll know more about myself, if that makes sense?”

“I guess,” he bit his lip looking over at me, “I just…I…it doesn’t matter.”

I furrowed my eyebrows together and looked over at him, he was biting his lip and looking out the window, he seemed to be contemplating something.

“Go on.” I urged him and he sighed.

“I just…maybe it’s just me and I can’t pretend to know how you feel and I really don’t want it to come across like I’m pushing my feelings on you.” He sighed, “but who a person is is made up by their family, I know that, but what I’m trying to say is that family isn’t about being related. Right?”

I nodded listening to him.

“So yea, you say you don’t feel complete because there is a part of you missing, the part you think she makes up.” He continued and I bit my lip, “but how can she be part of you in any other way other than your DNA? She isn’t your family, not really.”

I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel letting what he was saying sink in, listening to him as he continued to try and explain what he was thinking.

“Harry, Me, my mum, Anne, Niall, Nick, Zayn, Ed, Jenny and the rest of them are all family. We are all part of each other.” He scratched his head as he thought about what he was saying, “I know you feel like you’re missing something and if you wanted to try and find her to work out if she was it then I’d help you. You know that. But I don’t know if it is her you’re looking for.”

“Who do you think I’m looking for?” I asked him and he shrugged.

“I think maybe yourself again.” He bit his lip, “you said the other night that you started feeling like this after Darcy was born right?”

“Yea,” I nodding glancing back at my little girl.

“I know you love her B and you are an amazing mum. You give her everything.” He bit his lip nervously, “don’t take this the wrong way but maybe when you had Darcy you lost a bit of yourself. Maybe you just need to find you again. The you that isn’t just Darcy’s mum.”

“Maybe.” I nodded.

“You told me when Harry is around you feel better,” he glanced over at me and gave me a small smile, “maybe it’s because you’ve always been more you when you’re with him. Maybe you just need to find that part of you again, the part that lets you be you but doesn’t have to have Harry there all the time.”

“I need to find the old Blair.” I clarified and he shrugged.

“Maybe.” He scratched his neck, “I don’t know Blair but maybe that would be a good place to start?”