Lost in London

Sunday morning had quickly turned into Sunday afternoon. Reilly and Niall were still in his room, in his bed. Reilly hadn't left it yet. Niall had gotten up early, before she even woke up, and made breakfast for them. He'd brought it into his bedroom just as she was waking. She'd wanted to be upset with him, but it was nearly impossible with how sweet the gesture was.

After eating, they laid in his bed talking. Innocent touches turned into wandering hands. And wandering hands turned into clothes being removed. And as the saying goes, one thing led to another. Several times.

Reilly knew it was wrong. She knew that they were crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed. She knew that it couldn't go anywhere good past this point, that someone would only end up hurt. But she continued to do it for purely selfish reasons. Those moments she was with Niall nothing else mattered. And there were times she needed that. As winter loomed closer, she was feeling like she needed nothing to matter more and more often.

They were laying side by side on his bed, fingers tangled together between them. He'd turned on a soccer game, and they alternated between talking over it, only half paying attention, and being fully engrossed in it. Silence had settled between them for quite some time when Niall untangled his fingers from hers.

"Did you tell Lou?" he asked out of nowhere.

Reilly's stomach dropped. "No," she said, shifting her eyes from the TV up to the ceiling. "Was I supposed to?" she asked.

Niall turned his head to look at her, but she kept her eyes on the ceiling above her. "No," he replied. "I just didn't know. Seems like you tell Lou everything."

"I tell Louis a lot," she agreed. "Because he's really adamant about knowing things. But," she paused, trying to choose her words carefully. "I didn't think it was really any of his business," she finished.

He stared at her for a long moment. "It's not," he said finally before turning his attention back to the TV.

His fingers found hers again and she breathed out a soft sigh of relief. She was glad he let it go so easily. It was a conversation she didn't want to have, because she didn't want it turn into a fight like it had two nights before. If he had pressed, she would have eventually told him again that it shouldn't have happened in Ireland, and it shouldn't have happened that morning.

It was near the end of the game with his thumb brushed her hip, and she immediately knew they weren't done yet. Within moments, Niall shifted and his lips were pressed against her neck. She breathed in sharply when he teeth grazed the skin on her collarbone. His hand found her hip and gently pulled her to him.

It was easy for her to lose herself in him. His gentle touch set her skin on fire. She arched her back slightly and grabbed onto him, digging her fingernails into the soft flesh on his back as his mouth continued to explore her skin. Her heart fluttered and then raced, and it would have scared her if she'd taken a moment to think about it. But she didn't. Everything he was doing felt so good, so right, and their bodies fit together so well.

If someone had asked her a month ago, shortly after she met the boys, where she thought she would be at this very moment, she never would have guessed that this was it. This relationship she had developed with Niall was so very complicated, though they both played it off as simple and innocent, as friendship. But what they were doing was more than that. It was a display of emotion much bigger than the two of them. It was slow and deliberate. It was filled with passion and intimacy.

They both laid back on the bed, breathing heavily for a few moments before he pulled her to his chest, neither saying a word. She absentmindedly rubbed his chest as he flipped through the channels, trying to find something else to watch now that the game was over. He finally settled on something and set the remote down on the nightstand.

Her mind wandered to strange places as she stared at the TV. She thought about dancing, and how she always felt so free when she did it. Few things came close to the high she got from it. She thought about what she'd give up when she made her decision to go to school in London. And then she thought about what she'd gained from it.

Niall's hand took hold of hers and lifted it off his chest. She looked up at him as he flattened his palm against hers and laced their fingers together. He stared at her for a moment, as though he was trying to figure out what as going on in her head.

"When are you going to tell me about your mom?" he asked finally.

The question startled her and she was sure it showed on her face, but Niall just held her gaze, his expression unwavering. It took a moment for her to collect her thoughts, and even then the right response didn't seem to come to her. She wanted so much to break eye contact with him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"I've told you about her," she said finally. And it was true. She had talked to him about her mom. She held his gaze for a few short moments and then lowered her eyes. "She was perfect, everything a little girl could dream of a mother being," she told him.

"No, I know that," he said, shifting out from underneath her and rolling onto his side so he could look at her more easily. "But when are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked softly.

Reilly shrugged and kept her eyes on the bed between them. She didn't want to ever tell anyone what happened. Her father and sister had blamed her for long enough that she'd started to believe that it was actually her fault. How do you tell someone that you are the reason your mother is dead?

"I should probably go," she mumbled quietly, but made no move to get up.

Niall let out a soft sigh and reached out, lifting her chin with his finger so she was looking at him. "Don't go," he pleaded. "Stay and talk to me. Let me help you carry your burden."

She stared at him, carefully considering his plea. "It's not that simple," she said after a long moment of silence.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because," she began, and then paused. Niall opened his mouth to say something, but she continued before he could. "It's my fault."

Niall's eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "What's your fault, Darlin'?" he asked.

There was no simple answer to his question, and the words just started pouring out. "The weather was really bad. I had this recital. We were doing The Nutcracker," she said. Her voice was starting to shake. "My mom promised me she would be there. But she never made it. You know? She never made it."

He stared at her, his heart breaking for her. "Reilly, that's not your fault. Your mother loved you and wanted to be there," he said softly.

She shook her head. "No, that's exactly it. She wanted to be there for me. But if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have had to be there, and she would still be alive, and everything would be better," she told him. She was no longer looking at him, but at the wall behind him, the bed between them, the ceiling above them, anywhere that wasn't him.

"Better how?" he asked.

"I don't know," she exclaimed. Her voice raised unexpectedly, causing Niall to jump. "She would still be alive, and I wouldn't have had to be here. I could have stayed in Boston with Lexie, and gone to a school where I could play soccer, and I would still be dancing. That's how it would be better."

Niall sighed and rolled onto his back. He tried not to make the moment about him, but her words cut him. She had basically just told him that she didn't want to be where she was. That she didn't want their friendship. That her life would be better without him in it. He knew she didn't mean it like that, but it still stung.

After a few moments Reilly let out a heavy sigh and scooted toward him, laying her head on his chest. "That came out wrong. I didn't mean that I don't appreciate having you, and Harry, and Zayn, and Louis, and Liam in my life. I do. You're all the best things to happen to me in a long time. I just miss her a lot, and I hate myself for being the reason she's gone," she said quietly.

Niall breathed out long and slow. "You're not the reason, Darlin'," he said, reaching up and stroking her hair. "Sometimes bad things just happen. It's no one's fault." He kissed the top of her head. "Your mother sounds like nothing short of a saint," he told her.

Silence settled between them. Niall continued stroking her hair, comforting her the only way he knew how. She wanted nothing more than to focus on anything else, to lose herself in dancing, or in soccer, or in Niall. She wanted to be somewhere other than her own head.

After a long silence, she sighed heavily. "I should go," she said quietly.

Though he didn't want her to, he knew he had to let her do what she thought was best. Niall dropped his arm to the bed and allowed her to get up. She dressed quickly and pulled her hair into a ponytail. Niall sat up and called for a cab for her before putting on a pair of sweatpants.

She walked out of the bedroom before him, and he followed her toward the front door. Her cab wasn't there yet, so she leaned back against the wall, tipping her head back and looking up at the ceiling. Niall could feel her shutting down on him, and he wanted desperately to make her stop. He stood next to her and tried to catch her fingers in his, but she folded her arms across her chest. With a defeated sigh, he leaned against the wall and tipped his head back, just like she was.

After a few minutes of silence, he pushed himself off the wall and gently grabbed Reilly's elbows. "Niall," she objected, but he ignored her. He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. She continued to silently protest by keeping her arms crossed for a moment, but eventually gave in. She slid her arms around him and buried her face in his bare chest.

They stayed like that for a long time. A car honked outside and Niall kissed the top of her head. She dropped her arms with a soft sigh and took a tiny step back, looking up at him. Part of her wanted nothing more than to grab his face and kiss him on the mouth, just to see what it felt like. But instead she stood up on her tiptoes and softly brushed her lips against his cheek.

She turned to leave, but he caught her arm, his hand sliding down to hers. She looked back at him, and he pulled her to him again for just a moment. "I'll call you later?" he asked.

"Don't," she said, pulling away from him.

He sighed, but didn't argue. "Well, just call me if you need anything," he resigned. She nodded and turned away again. "Reilly," he said as she opened the door. She turned to look at him. "I mean it. Anything." She nodded again and disappeared out the door without a word.

By the time she got home, she felt exhausted. Her laptop was on the table, and she opened it. The screen lit up and she opened Skype. Shortly after, a call from Lexie popped up on her screen.

"Whoa. You look like hell," Lexie said after taking one look at Reilly.

"Thanks," Reilly mumbled, leaning back in the chair with one foot up on the seat.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked.

And without warning Reilly blurted out everything that happened. Starting with Friday night and ending with fifteen minutes before. She spared her friend the details, but didn't leave anything out. And at the end, she felt a tiny bit of weight lifted, but mostly just felt even more exhausted.

"I don't know how my life has become this," she said.

Lexie gave her a pointed look. "What are you going to do, Rei?" she asked.

Reilly shrugged. "I don't know Lex. It scares the shit out of me. It's not like a friends with benefits kind of thing, which you know I'm not into anyway. He makes me feel a lot of things. It's scary. I can't keep doing this," she said.

"Then you do know," she said, and Reilly shrugged. "Are you sure you can't do it? Because I think you should give it a shot. Maybe the reason it's so exhausting is because you're fighting your feelings," she said.

Reilly shook her head. "No. I mean, maybe. But," she trailed off and grabbed her phone. She stared at it for a minute before typing out a text message to Niall and sending it.

"What did you just do?" Lexie asked.

She put her phone down and looked at her friend. "I told him that I don't think we should hang out just the two of us for awhile," she said. "I still want to be his friend. I just can't be alone with him." Lexie raised her eyebrow just as Reilly's phone rang. Reilly sighed and looked at it. "Niall," she said. Lexie motioned for her to answer it, and she reluctantly did so. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Don't do this, Reilly," he said. "Don't push me away," he pleaded.

She sighed. "I'm not. I just need some space," she told him. He remained quiet on his end, so she continued. "We can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to you," she said.

"How is it not fair?" he questioned.

"Because I can't give you what you want," she said.

"Can't, or won't?" Niall asked.

Reilly sighed and rubbed her temple. "You don't understand," she started, and Niall interrupted her.

"You keep telling me I don't understand but you're not giving me the chance to understand," he huffed and hung up.

Reilly closed her eyes for a second. Lexie watched her quietly for a long time before finally speaking up. "Feel better?" she asked. Reilly shook her head.

"No," she said. "No, I feel like absolute shit now."