Lost in London

Having her sister stay with her proved to be every bit as terrible as Reilly had imagined it would be. She had only been there a couple hours and Fallon had already criticized everything about Reilly's apartment, from the small size to the furniture to the lack of personalization. She complained about the amount of school related items Reilly had everywhere, and made several snide comments about how boring the younger girl was. It was all Reilly could do to bite her tongue and not tell her sister exactly how she felt about her opinions.

With her sister finally retreating to Reilly's room, she found a few moments of peace during which she practiced a breathing exercise that calmed her down considerably. It was short lived, however, when Fallon came back out into the living room much too soon.

"This guitar looks expensive," Fallon commented. In her hands was Niall's guitar that he had brought over the night they'd gotten into a fight and had never taken home. She had reminded him about it on a couple of occasions, but it still remained in her possession. She had put it in the back of her closet that morning, and apparently her sister had been digging around in her room. "Interesting that you would spend so much money on an instrument you don't play, and probably never will play," she said.

She raised her eyebrows, knowing by her sister's tone that Fallon was trying to pick a fight. Reilly kept her cool, but she'd had enough. "What's interesting is that you dropped out of college. Does Dad know?" she asked, keeping her voice even.

Fallon's eyes narrowed into slits. "Does Dad know you're dating an international popstar?" she fired back. Reilly's eyes widened at the older girl's question. "Oh," she said with a dry laugh, "you didn't think anyone knew about that, did you?"

"I'm not dating anyone, international popstar or otherwise," Reilly said.

"That's not what I heard," Fallon sing-songed in a condescending manner.

Reilly rolled her eyes and stood. "Well, you heard wrong," she said as she walked over to her sister and snatched the guitar out of her hands. Without another word, she walked down the short hallway to her room and put the guitar back where Fallon had gotten it from. "Stay out of my closet," she yelled.

Something about her room was different. She had taken down the flag that Niall had given her, and that wall was once again bare, but that wasn't it. Something was off. Something was missing. Her eyes landed on the night stand next to her bed and it hit her. The picture frame that had once occupied the space was gone. She hadn't moved it, and she knew none of the people who had helped her clean her apartment that morning would have moved it either.

Her eyes darted around the room, but it was nowhere in site. Behind her, she heard Fallon step into the door way. "You know what I remember most about Mom?" she asked, knowing exactly what Reilly was looking for. "She always felt sorry for you because Dad loved me way more. That's why she babied you so much. Always taking you to your stupid dance lessons and your stupid soccer practices. Never missing one of your games or recitals. She was always tired because of you. You just took, and took, and took from her. And you were so selfish that you couldn't see that she was killing herself to try to make you feel good about yourself."

Hot tears sprung to Reilly's eyes at her sister's hate filled words. She blinked them away and breathed in deeply before she turned around to face her. "Where's my picture?" she asked quietly.

Fallon shrugged. "I got rid of it. I mean, seriously, Reilly. How can you even look at that picture knowing that you killed her?" she asked viciously.

Tears filled her eyes again and Reilly bit down hard on the inside of her lip to keep them from falling. She shook her head a couple times before pushing past her sister and heading straight for the front door, slamming it behind her as she exited her apartment. The cold night air stung her skin as she walked. She didn't know where she was going, she just knew she had to get as far away from her sister as possible.

She walked for a long time. London looked different to her in the dark, making it easy to get lost. But eventually something would look familiar, though not knowing where she was didn't worry her. She was about to duck into a pub a one point but realized as she was reaching for the door that she had nothing on her other than her phone, and that wouldn't get her very far.

Instead she continued walking, trying to clear her mind, but it didn't matter. Eventually she would have to return to her apartment, and her sister would still be there. She would be there for over a week. There was no way getting away from her. And that was the exact reason she had come to London in the first place.

The wind picked up, sending a cold chill through Reilly's small frame. She had been in such a rush to get out of her apartment that she hadn't thought to grab her coat and was wandering the city in only a flannel shirt. She unrolled the sleeves, attempting to shield herself from the cold as much as she could, but it was little help. The wind blew again and she wrapped her arms around herself as she looked at her surroundings. For a moment she thought she might be lost again, but a familiar fluttering in her chest told her otherwise.

She didn't see him anywhere, but she knew he was near. By chance, or by some magnetic pull, she had ended up in one of his favorite spots. He had taken her there once before when he was showing her around the city. She stopped where she was, not knowing what else to do. They had barely spoken since the week before, when he'd finally admitted that she had broken his heart more than once. Nothing good could come from running into him now.

With that thought in her mind, Reilly turned around to walk back the she'd come. She had barely taken a step when she collided with him. He hadn't been paying attention to where he was walking, and even though he wasn't very big, he nearly knocked her down. She stumbled, but managed to catch herself.

"I'm so sor-" he started, pulling his earbuds out of his ears with one hand and grabbing her elbow with the other in at attempt to help steady her. Sparks shot up her arm and through her entire body. For the first time, she wondered if he felt the same thing when they touched. "Reilly?" he said upon realizing it was her. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay? You're not wearin' a jacket, Darlin'," he said. Concern was dripping from his voice and it tore Reilly up inside.

"You don't have to do that," she said quietly, not making eye contact with him.

"Do what?" he asked.

She sighed, still avoiding looking at him. "Be nice to me. I know you're mad, and you have every right to be," she said. He opened his mouth to interrupt her, but she didn't give him the chance. "I was just leaving, anyway. I didn't mean to come here," she mumbled as she started to walk past him.

He reached out and gently grabbed her elbow again to keep her from going any further. "You don't have to leave. I'm not mad at you, Darlin'. Hurt, yes. But mad? No way." He eyed her carefully, though she still wouldn't look at him. "I'm also a bit worried. What are you doing out here so late without a coat?" he asked, releasing his hold on her. He took his jacket off and held it out to her.

Just as she'd done when he had previously tried to give her an article of clothing to keep her warm, she stared hard a the jacket before reaching out and taking it from him. "My family got in today," she said, cautiously looking up at him. He nodded for her to continue. "My sister is staying at my apartment. She's only been there for a few hours and she's already said some really horrible things to me," she said, shrugging. Tears filled her eyes as she recalled Fallon's hurtful words. "I just couldn't be around her."

Niall breathed out a heavy sigh and stared at her for a long moment. "Walk with me," he said finally.

He shoved his headphones into his pocket and started walking. Reilly fell in step next to him, leaving enough space between them that their hands wouldn't bump as they walked. It reminded her of how they were when they first met. How he always shyed away from physical contact. Now she was the one doing it.

They came up on a bench after walking only a short distance and Niall sat down. Reilly stood there for a minute until he looked up at her, and then at the bench next to him. Taking the cue, she sat. He folded his hands in his lap and stared straight ahead of him, looking out at the city lights. "Remember when I brought you here that day?" he asked. She nodded and he must have seen out of the corner of his eyes. "It can get busy during the day, but it's different in the nighttime. Peaceful. Quiet. Nice place to think," he said. Reilly nodded again and silence settled between them. She wondered how many times in the last week he'd been there, thinking, and what conclusions he'd come to.

"I'm sorry," she said finally, not knowing what else to say. Moisture welled behind her eyes. She had never meant those words more in her entire life than she did in that moment.

"I know," he said.

She shook her head and turned to him. "No, you don't. But I really mean it, Niall. I never, ever wanted to hurt you even a little bit, but I did. I did it more than once. And I did it because I'm selfish. Because being around you makes me feel really good, and I didn't feel even a little good for a really long time. I wish I could find the words to explain to you exactly how I felt for so many years, because if anyone deserves that explanation, it's you. But it's painful to even think about how dark that place was," she said. "I'm not asking you give me a free pass just because I'm finally admitting to you that I'm really messed up. I'm not asking you to forgive me, either. I'm not even asking you to understand. I'm just," she paused and bit down on her lip. "I'm really sorry. I want you to know that."

Silence fell between them again. Niall lifted his hand from his lap and started to reach for hers, but stopped himself. He dropped his hand back into his lap and sighed softly. Reilly looked over at him, waiting for him to say something, but he stayed quiet. Maybe he was searching for the right words, or maybe he thought she wouldn't believe whatever he said anyway. Either way, he didn't make a sound. They sat next to each other not saying a word for a long time. But it wasn't their usual comfortable silence. Everything was different, and Reilly found the silence to be deafening.

"My stepmom is pregnant," she said finally. Niall's eyes widened as he looked over at her. "About four months. And no one thought to tell me that I was going to be a big sister," she said quietly, her eyes falling to the ground. "I just worry about that kid, you know? I don't know if my father has the capacity to care about more than one of his offspring at a time. And it's always been Fallon."

Niall sighed once again. He didn't know what to say to her. There was a part of him, the part that cared so deeply about her, that wanted to comfort her, and another part, the part that was deeply hurt by her, that wanted to brush her off. But as it probably always would be, the part that cared was just a little stronger than the part the was hurt. "You can stay in my guest room," he said. "If you want," he added quietly.

Reilly shook her head. "I can't. For a lot of reasons," she told him, and he nodded.

"Right. Let me walk you home," he said.

It wasn't a question, but Reilly still tried to argue. "I can get myself home in one piece," she said, as they both stood.

"It's dark, and I'm not asking. I don't want anything to happen to you," he insisted and started walking in the direction of her apartment.

With a heavy sigh, she followed him, eventually falling into step next to him. She shoved hands into the pockets of his jacket, so there was no chance of them bumping his while they walked. She wanted to tell him again that he didn't have to do any of this. It wasn't expected. But as they walked in silence, the air, thick with tension, began to lighten.

A conversation she'd had with Louis that morning came back to her and she stiffened. "Um, I just remembered. I'm going to be at Louis' birthday party this weekend, since I'm here and all," she said. "I mean, if you're okay with that."

Niall chuckled quietly next to her. "I'm not going to try to stop you from doing anything, Darlin'. We both know how to be civil. Lou's your friend too. If he wants you there, and you want to be there, then you should go," he said.

"I know," she said quietly. "It's just, he was your friend first. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm the one who screwed up," she told him.

Niall just shrugged in response. They were coming up on her apartment, and he stopped. "I should probably let you walk the rest of the way yourself. Because of your sister," he said. Reilly nodded as she took his jacket off and handed it back to him. The cold nipped at her immediately, and she wrapped her arms around herself. A tiny smile pulled at the corner of Niall's mouth, and he leaned in slowly, gently brushing his lips against her cheek. "I'll see you this weekend," he said.