Lost in London

A dull ache nagged at her temples when Reilly opened her eyes. It was the first time in months that she hadn't woken up at her usual early hour, and she knew it without even looking at the time on her phone. A wave a deja vu washed over her as her mind wandered back to the first morning she'd woken up in this particular place.

The feeling didn't make any sense. It was different this time. She still had very little memory of that night. And in the morning she'd woken up fully clothed on a sofa and with no idea where she was, how she'd gotten there, or who the boys whispering in the other room were. This morning she had a very vivid memory of the night before. She knew exactly where she was and how she'd ended up naked in the large, comfortable bed with a boy who was very familiar to her.

Niall was sleeping soundly next to her. He always looked so peaceful when he was asleep, which matched the carefree attitude towards life he carried when he was awake. It was one of the things Reilly admired about him, but also hated him for.

She slipped out of bed quietly and made her way toward the bathroom. On the way, she saw Louis' sweater she'd worn the night before, but something about putting it on right then seemed weird. Instead, she passed over it and plucked the button down shirt Niall had been wearing from the floor.

She buttoned the shirt on her way back from the bathroom. Niall's arms were considerably longer than hers and the sleeves hung down well past her small hands. She pulled them up as she climbed back into bed and snuggled into Niall's side where she fit so perfectly. He twitched as she slid her hand across his bare stomach.

"Cold hands," he muttered, his Irish accent thick with sleep. Still, he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her even closer to him.

"What did you expect?" she asked with a soft laugh. "Your room is always so cold," she commented as she slipped her leg over his and leaned into him as she ran her hand up his chest.

In a surprisingly quick move considering he'd just woken up, he swiftly grabbed her icy hand from his skin and rolled toward her, forcing her onto her back. He propped himself up on his elbows to keep from putting all his weight on her tiny frame and she giggled as he rested his forehead against hers.

Her laughter ceased when he dipped his head and pressed his lips just below her ear. From there, they brushed against her neck and then against her collar bone before he shifted, using his knees to support his weight. She reached up and tangled her fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp while he trailed soft kisses down her chest as he slowly worked the buttons on the shirt she'd put on.

His breath ghosted across the skin near her belly button, and she untangled her fingers from his hair. She put her hands on either side of his face and gently guided him back up. He looked at her, blue eyes full of emotions and sleep, before settling on his side next to her once again.

He propped himself up on one elbow and stared at her for a long moment. "Hi," he said finally.

"Hi," she replied, turning her head to look at him.

"You remember last night?" he asked, and she nodded. "You were quite the chatterbox. Wanna talk about them things you said?"

It was true, she had said a lot. She covered a wide variety of topics in a short amount of time, so she wasn't sure what he was asking about, exactly. Her mind wandered back to the first thing she'd said when she was sitting on his kitchen counter and she had her hands on his face, that she wanted to kiss him. "What do you want me to say?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I'm just askin' if there was things you wanted to talk about. You seemed very unsure about a lot of things. Had me a little worried, is all," he said, reaching over to brush her hair away from her face.

A soft smile tugged at her lips. She reached out and grabbed Niall's arm. "Come here," she said, gently pulling him toward her. He obliged and she draped his arm across her body as he rested his head against her shoulder. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm fine," she told him.

"You sure?" he asked.

Instead of using words, Reilly just kissed the top of his head. The truth was she wasn't okay. Things would be changing again soon. Classes would start again soon for her, and the boys would be going on tour soon. She would be busy, and they would be busy. Niall would be busy. There wouldn't be any drinking or parties. No more sleepovers or morning cuddles. Take out food, beer, and movie nights weren't going to be a thing anymore. And even though the butterflies in her stomach, the tingling of her skin, and the racing of her heart all told her that what she had with Niall in that very moment was right and real, her brain told her that everybody's priorities were about to shift dramatically. Taking that step wasn't an option.

They laid like that for a long time, neither one speaking, until finally Reilly drew in a deep breath. "I should go," she said quietly.

Niall scooted even closer to her, wrapping his arm around her more tightly. "Don't leave," he said. "Stay with me."

The slight hint of desperation in his voice nearly shattered Reilly's heart. She hadn't even said anything, but it was obvious he could feel that she was going to pull away from him again, and he didn't want her to. It hurt her that she was hurting him, but she feared it would hurt them both more if she didn't protect herself.

"It's not forever," she said, forcing a slight laugh. "Lexie's only here for a little while. And I think she's mad at me about last night-"

"What about last night?" he asked, cutting her off mid-thought.

Reilly sighed softly and waited a moment before she answered. "Lexie didn't want me to leave with you last night. I don't think Harry did, either," she said. "I need to go smooth things over with them, especially Lexie. She's kind of all I have anymore. You know?"

"You have me," Niall said, giving her a squeeze before letting go of her and sitting up.

Reilly sat up also and reached for one of Niall's hands, wrapping both of hers around it. "I know," she said, bringing his hand up and pressing her lips to his fingers. "I know."

Niall leaned forward and his hand went to the back of her head, pulling her toward him. He pressed his lips against her forehead for a long moment before letting her get up. She gathered her clothes and disappeared into his bathroom to change.

Tears pooled behind her eyes and she gripped the counter. Her heart pounded inside her chest. The thought that this could be the last time she would have a moment like this with Niall was too much. She blinked and looked around the bathroom, praying the tears would stay put and her eyes fell on his toothbrush, alone in the toothbrush holder next to the sink. For just a moment, she imagined hers next to it. It seemed like it belonged there.

Reilly shook her head and splashed some cold water on her face to bring herself back to reality. It wouldn't work. Neither of them had the time to make it work, and that was just a fact that they would both have to face. She dressed quickly and exited the bathroom back into Niall's bedroom. He had put on a pair of pajama pants, but had decided against a shirt even with his room being as cold as it was.

They walked to the front door together and stopped in the entry way. "Can I see you later?" Niall asked. "Maybe we can get some dinner. You, Lexie, Me, Harry, maybe Lou and Cara, if they don't have other plans."

Reilly shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. I'll let you know how things go," she told him.

"Sure," he replied.

They stared at each other for a long time. Finally Niall reached out and pulled Reilly to him, enveloping her in a warm hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist and buried her face in the soft skin on his chest. He was surprisingly warm, considering the cold temperature of his place. The words 'I love you' popped into her head as they pulled apart, but she bit the inside of her lip to keep them from slipping out.

"See ya," he said as Reilly pulled the door open.

She mimicked the sentiment and slipped outside. The cold nipped at her face immediately, and she walked quickly to Harry's. She knocked softly on the door and waited patiently, folding her arms across her chest in an attempt to keep a little warmer.

The door swung open and revealed Harry, fresh faced and dressed with his curly hair swooped across his forehead. "Morning," he said, pulling the door open all the way and allowing Reilly to step inside. "She's a bit angry with you, you know."

Reilly nodded. "I know," she said. "I was hoping she would talk to me anyway."

"I don't know," Harry told her honestly as he shut the door behind her. "I suppose there's only one way to find out." He held his arm out toward the living room, indicating that's where she would find Lexie.

Standing up on her tiptoes, she put her hands on Harry's shoulders and he leaned down a little so she could press a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you," she said. And she meant it. She had no idea what to expect from Harry after he wouldn't look at her the night before, but she was grateful that he didn't hate her.

Lexie looked over at her when she walked into the living room, and then quickly turned back to the TV. There wasn't anything on it, but she apparently found the blank screen more enjoyable than talking to her friend.

Reilly sighed. "Lex," she said, but the blonde wouldn't look at her. She drew in a breath and tried to keep her voice from faltering. "Whatever reason you think I had for leaving with Niall last night, you're probably right. But I wasn't playing with his emotions. I've told him a hundred times where I stand, where he and I stand."

"Are you really so delusional to think that you haven't been playing with his emotions this whole time?" Lexie asked. "Seriously, Reilly? He looks at you like you are literally the only other person in the entire world, and you just let him. Because you like it. You like the attention. But you're never going to let him in past a certain point. You'll let him think that you will eventually, though, because you don't give a damn about his feelings," she seethed.

Tears sprung to Reilly's eyes. "I do. I give a huge damn about his feelings. That's why I'm not letting him in. Because I'm so messed up on the inside, Lex, and you know that. You know that better than anyone. You've been less upset with me about much worse things I've done. I would think you would at least be thankful that I left with someone I knew last night, and that I was going somewhere safe," she hollered.

"I would have been thankful if you called a cab to go back to your apartment, or if you'd left with Liam, or Zayn, or Harry, or Louis. Anyone but Niall. But you left with Niall knowing that you would end up having sex with him again," she retorted.

Reilly flinched at Lexie's words. Tears escaped her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "You really think that my motivation for leaving with Niall was to get laid?" she asked calmly. Lexie nodded at her, arms folded across her chest. "Wow. Eleven years of friendship and it's like you really don't even know me."

She turned on her heel and headed straight for the front door. It slammed behind her as she practically down the sidewalk. Her boots crunched against the icy sidewalks and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself in an attempt to keep warm. Tears streamed down her face, the cold air practically freezing them on cheeks as she walked.

She hadn't gotten far when she heard Harry call out after her, but she didn't stop or turn around. Her stomach was doing somersaults and her heart pounded wildly in her chest. Lexie had never spoken to her with such malice before. She had always been the one Reilly could count on. But suddenly her best friend thought she was a horrible person, the same way her father and sister did, and it broke Reilly's heart.

A hand closed around her upper arm, stopping her in her tracks. Harry pulled her back toward him and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She felt safe there, but in a different way than she did with Niall. This was a safety that didn't feel like it could break her heart one day.

"I didn't sleep with Niall last night," she said, pulling out of Harry's embrace. He looked down at her and waited for her to continue. "I mean, I slept in his bed with him. But we didn't have sex. We almost did. And I wanted to. God, Harry, I really wanted to. But I think that's why I didn't. I couldn't do that to Niall. Not again."

Harry let out a sigh. "You know what I think?" he asked, and Reilly shook her head. "I think you love Niall," he said, and Reilly opened her mouth to protest, but he put his hand up. "Let me finish. I think you love Niall in a way that is much different from the way you love me, Louis, Zayn, and Liam. And I think it terrifies you because you think you're too young and too messed up to feel that way. And that's okay. Nobody is going to force you into anything with Niall, including Niall. But I think that's why you always end up in certain situations with him. Because those feelings are real. You just don't know how to navigate them."

Reilly stared up at Harry for a moment. "I really hate you sometimes," she told him, and he laughed. "Seriously, though. Lexie is probably really mad at you for coming after me."

He shrugged. "I don't care. She'll get over it," he said. "And besides," he continued. "You're more important."

Blush covered Reilly's cold cheeks as Harry draped an arm over her shoulder. He led them back toward his place, but when they got there, Reilly refused to go inside. She didn't want to face Lexie again. Instead, she said goodbye to Harry and got in her car.

When she got home, the first thing she did was head straight to the bathroom for a shower. The hot water thawed her cold bones and turned her skin an angry pink. After nearly twenty minutes, she turned the water off and wrapped herself in towel. She dressed in the warmest, most comfortable clothes she could find and flopped on her couch with a book. It felt like ages since she'd lost herself in the pages of a novel, and was craving an escape.

Seven chapters in, the front door opened. Moments later Lexie was on the couch next to her, wrapping her arms tightly around Reilly and leaned her forehead on her shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said. Her voice sounded sad. "You're right. I do know you better than all that stuff I said."

Reilly closed her book and set it on her lap, but couldn't move with the way Lexie was hugging her around her arms. She leaned her head against her friend's and sighed. "You're forgiven," she said. It wasn't even something she had to think about. Lexie was her best friend, her family. And sometimes, the people who mean the most say things they don't mean. The reason doesn't matter, only the sincere apology.

They spend the afternoon on the couch talking and watching TV. But mostly talking. Reilly told Lexie all the things she'd said to Niall the night before. Her phone went off a few times, over the course of the afternoon, but she ignored it. She needed the time with her best friend to try to get her head on straight.

Evening had fallen when someone knocked at her door. Confused, she walked over, leaving Lexie on the couch, and answered it. Niall was on her doorstep, looking very impatient, like what he had to say couldn't wait another second.

"I've been thinking about some of what you said last night," he began. "About how you don't want to be tied to your father anymore, you know, with the rent for this place, and your school, and all your bills. And I think I've come up with a solution," he told her.

She sighed softly. "Niall, I didn't tell you that so you fix it. I was just ranting. I just needed to-"

"Move in with me," he said, interrupting her.

Reilly blinked rapidly a few times and shook her head at him. "That's not even close to something I would consider," she said.

"Why not?" he asked. "You want to get out of this place. I have an extra room and bathroom, and plenty of space for another person," he said.

She stared at him for a long moment before shaking her head again. "You really think that if I moved in with you, that we would actually sleep in separate rooms? That would be an incredibly unhealthy situation for both of us. I can't, no. That is a terrible idea."

"Well, then, marry me," he said. Reilly's heart jumped up into her throat, and her breath caught. "I'm serious. Marry me," he repeated.

"You're insane," she finally breathed out, gripping onto the door for support. "We're just kids, Niall."

He shook his head. "I know how I feel about you. I know you feel something for me, too. And I can pay for your school and whatever else you need. I can take care of you. I can be a good husband," he told her.

"You're leaving for practically an entire year next month. In what world does that make a good husband?" she asked, but she didn't give him the chance to respond before she continued. "You have to stop this," she said.

A look a defeat washed over Niall's face, but he persisted. "I just want to take care of you, Reilly. Let me take care of you. You don't have to deal with your father's abuse anymore."

"You have to stop, Niall," she shouted and he opened his mouth to continue but she talked over him. "I can't do this," she said. "I can't do this. I have been fighting myself so hard to try and do the right thing by everyone in this situation, Niall. But I can't do this with you any longer. My classes are going to start again soon, and I need to be able to focus on them. I don't think I can do that with you being a part of my every day life," she said. As the words came out of her mouth, tears began to leak from her eyes, and her heart broke inside her chest.

Niall stared at her, a look of confusion clouding his face. "So, what are you saying?" he asked, tears forming at the corners of his own eyes. "You just want me to walk away and pretend like we never knew each other. Pretend like these last three months never happened, like none of this mattered?" he asked. Reilly shrugged and wiped at the tears sliding down her cheeks. "I'm just supposed to disappear from your life for the next five years while you finish school? Is that what you want?" he asked

Reilly shrugged again as fresh tears fell down her face. "I don't know. I just know that I can't take the pressure of school and the pressure of whatever this thing is between you and me. It's going to crush me," she said. The pain in her chest magnified with each word either one of them spoke.

He shook his head in disbelief. "Fine, I'm gone then. I wouldn't want to hold you back from your great quest understand what makes the wheels in people's heads turn. Good luck with that," he spat. "But you know, it's my experience that the people who want to understand how the human brain works are the people who are most scared of what's going on inside their own."

Reilly stood there, feeling her heart break in her chest over and over, watching him walk away. Suddenly, everything hurt. As he grew smaller in the distance, she started to wonder if she'd made a mistake. Tears streamed down her face as she stood there, holding onto the open door for support. She closed her eyes as her legs started to give and she leaned back against the wall.

Moments, or minutes, or hours later, she didn't know, another unexpected visitor showed up. The door was still open, and she was still slumped against the wall when a pair of arms wrapped tightly around her waist. The familiar scent of his shampoo filled her senses and she hugged him tightly burying her face in his shoulder.

"Reilly, my love," Louis said softly into her ear. "What happened?" he asked. But Reilly just shook her head against his shoulder and cried into his shirt.

There were no words to properly describe what she had just done.