I Keep Knocking

The first time he said he loved me was burning in my mind again. It was always on my mind actually. We were walking home from a football game he had surprised me with. He stopped suddenly and took my hand. He didn’t look at me, just smiled and held my hand. I finally asked if he was ok and he looked at me with the goofiest grin on his face. “I just realized something.” He said quietly. I tilted my head and asked him what he had just realized. “I just realized that I love you!” I was so taken aback that I didn’t respond, I just smiled and leaned up to kiss him. It wasn’t till the next morning, while we were having coffee in my apartment that I finally said it back. “I love you to Jack.”
I tried to remember the good times, but it wasn’t working anymore, I was losing it again. I crawled into bed and stared at the picture on my bed side table. It was of Jack and I kissing. Rian had taken it on my birthday. The memory started creeping back into my head. It was a surprise party for me at my favorite bar down the street. Jack had been so secretive about it, I was half driven mad by the suspense, but it was totally worth it. I knocked the photo off the table and buried my face further into the pillow, angry tears streaming down my face and I just wanted it to stop! I just wanted to forget. Somewhere in the distance I heard my phone ring.
I tried to think of what I did wrong for the millionth time. Jack and I were happy weren’t we? I thought we were at least. Right up to when he looked me dead in the eye and said that we were over. We had been at the café around the corner of my apartment. I could tell that there was something bothering Jack but I chose to ignore it, knowing he would tell me when he was ready. We sat down at a table and I shamelessly stared at him. His Black hair was sticking up in every perfect way possible, his eyes shining with mischief, like they always did. Suddenly he looked at me, dead in the eye. The look scared me. “What’s up babe?” I asked, concerned.
“Don’t call me that. Ever again.” I tried to interrupt but he kept talking. “I can’t do this anymore Alex! I can’t keep lying to myself! I'm sorry but we’re done, forget about me.” with that he stood up and walked out. I just sat there, stunned. I didn’t run after him, why didn’t I run after him? I just sat there staring at the spot that he once sat in.
I tried calling him. I called him every day after that for weeks, but he never answered. I don’t know what I was expecting. Hundreds of voicemails later and I still hadn’t heard a word, nothing, from the man who still claimed my heart. The phone rang again and again I ignored it. The sheets still barely smelled like jack so I buried myself deeper into them, trying to get the last smell of him before it faded forever.
My friends tried to help me, take me out, drink, watch movies with me, but nothing worked, I refused to do anything. I can’t even remember the last time I left my apartment. I climbed out of bed, ignoring the phone again. I was slightly curious as to who was calling but at the same time, I didn’t care. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My caramel hair was greasy and flat, my eyes that once shined brightly were dull and I was too skinny, not ever hungry anymore. I guess I understand why Jack left; I’m ugly, boring, and stupid. I didn’t deserve him, I never did. I don’t know how long I stood there, staring at myself, but I knew the phone hadn’t rung in awhile. I guess they gave up, just like me.
My antidepressants were on the counter next to my hand. I was prescribed them a month ago when I stopped eating. I never took them. I grabbed the bottle and poured the contents into my hand. With one final look in to mirror I brought my hand to my mouth and tilted it back, somehow swallowing them all at once. Dragging my feet, I climbed back into bed. I heard a knock on the door but didn’t go answer it. Whoever it was, it didn’t matter anymore. I felt myself go numb, my mind no longer thinking. The knocking got louder and harder. My vision went blurry and my breathing slowed. Darkness started to surround me until suddenly, I couldn’t see. I felt my heart stop and suddenly, I didn’t hurt anymore.
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Jack knocked on the door harder. “Alex I know you’re in there!!” He yelled. No response, once again, five minutes and Alex still refused to open the door. Jack sighed and looked around. No one was in the hall so he stepped back to the opposite wall. He charged the door and it came off its hinges instantly. The apartment was quiet and stale, like no one had moved the air in months. Jack looked around and saw Alex’s phone on the counter, ten missed calls from jack on it. Jack walked down the hall and called Alex’s name. No Response. Something wasn’t right. It was way to quiet, eerie almost. Alex’s bedroom door was open just a crack so jack looked in and saw Alex in bed. “Damn that boy can sleep.” Jack whispered and walked in. “Alex wake up. I wanna talk to you.”
He sat down on the bed and shook him gently. Alex was too cold though, and he was pale, way to pale. The blood drained from Jacks face when he saw that Alex wasn’t breathing. “Alex! Alex wake up! Please wake up!” Jack said loudly and shook the boy harder, but nothing happened. “No! You can’t do this! You can’t leave yet!” Jack was shooting now, but he didn’t care. The tears started to over flow down his face. He pulled Alex into his lap and held him as close as was humanly possible. “No!” He whispered into the crock of Alex’s neck. “I’m sorry baby! I came to saw I was sorry! That I needed you back. Why did you do this?” Jacks voice barely a sound.
He sat there and stared at what he had done. He pushed the only thing he loved away out a fear and now it was gone, never coming back. “I love you, so much!” Jack said one last time… but it was too little, way too late.