Pocrescophobia

This last week has been... perplexing, to say the least. I wouldn't believe in a million years that I would ever admit something like this, but... I think that I... might, maybe, possibly have... feelings... for a guy. And not just a guy. Arden. The guy whose life I've ripped apart. I'm not completely sure, but I'm pretty sure. I've been thinking about it a lot. A lot. And it just, makes sense, even if I don't want to admit it.

And I don't know if it's other guys as well or if it's just him. I haven't really had feelings for anyone else recently, just Arden. Of course, of all people, him. I mean, I know he's gay, we all know, but he'd never go for me. For obvious reasons.

But for the past week or so, I just feel like a train wreck. I lock myself in my room, ignore everyone, even Lauren, and just sit and think and listen to stupid music. I feel like everything's falling apart around me and I'm not sure of everything. Because along with that, my grades are failing, my mom's been working later than usual and I can tell that she's starting to get worked into the ground, and everyone's mad at me for no reason, and I just can't do anything right.

Maybe I should just experiment on a guy and see if it's guys in general, or just him. Oh god, what if he never comes back? What if I keep liking him? What if he does come back, but he never likes me back, and he tells everyone, and everyone deserts me and I become the laughingstock of the school? No. Stop. Stop thinking like that, Cyan. Worrying won't get you anywhere except for another therapist's office.

And I tried asking Arden's friends if he's okay or if he's coming back, but I got nothing, of course. What else did I expect? I can't exactly prove that I only have good intentions to him now. It'd only sound like bullshit. I mean, I haven't really done anything except for stopping being an asshole and telling my friends to stop being assholes, at least around me. But I think for me, that's a lot. Oh well. There's not really much I can do to change their minds. I wouldn't change my mind either, I really messed up.

And now that I'm in this situation, it just makes everything even worse. I almost wish things were the way they used to be, bar a few things.

But I just can't stop thinking about him. His near black hair, his flawless, pale, somewhat feminine face, the skeletal frame I wish I could fill out to make him healthy, his personality that I'm sure is perfect, and my favorite, his cinnamon brown eyes that light up when he's around his friends the way I wish that I could make them light up, the way I wish I could put a smile on his face, the way I wish I could make him happy, not cause him sadness. The way I wish we could help each other, be something to each, for each other. Yeah, I think I definitely have feelings for the boy whose life I ruined.

Fuck.