Pocrescophobia

So far, things have been actually going pretty well. Tamryn's pretty cool to be around, and her friends aren't too bad either. They remind me of my friends sometimes. And yeah, there are some cute boys, but I'm not really looking for anything right now. Plus, they probably wouldn't like me anyway.

This past week has been really great for me. I've had a chance to just be me, not have to talk, not have to impress anyone, not have to be anyone, not have to do anything. It's a nice change. And I have more time to think. But then again, most of the times, it's horrible to get locked inside of my thoughts, where the demons are cowering in the darkest corners, waiting to pounce. And now that I'm alone and vulnerable to thoughts, it's easier for those demons to strike.

And I do miss Cheyenne, though I text her every day. I mean, she is my best friend, I wouldn't just ignore her. And she wouldn't just ignore me. Also, I call my parents every other day so that they can make sure I'm not dead or anything. Though I'm not really doing well in the way that they helped, I didn't magically start seeing myself as beautiful randomly and start eating regularly and just be a totally perfect, amazing, wonderful person. I'm sorry, but I'm a person, and I'm not completely fickle in my habits, especially habits like this. These things are very gradual, and I'm not sure if I'll ever see myself as anything but ugly and fat. Many years have gone into that, I'm not sure if those can just be erased from my memory or taken away.

I think of what might happen if I don't start eating better. If they uphold their end of the deal and do send me to a rehab. Would I even want them to? Do I even want to get to their version of better? I'm not really sure. The thought of going somewhere like that scares me, honestly. I'm not sure if I want to get 'better.'

But also, this not eating just makes me feel beautiful. I can't really explain it. I mean, I know I have a fucked up body image that's been fed by the constant remarks of everyone ever, and that I can actually die from malnutrition and whatnot, but it just that feeling I get in my stomach when I skip too many meals makes me feel like I'm finally doing something right. That feeling that I get when I'm so hungry, I feel like I need to throw up makes me feel good.

Every single pound that I get makes me sick. It makes me feel that all of the hard work that I put in, all of those skipped meals, were for naught, and by this point, I'm actually scared to look at the scale and I'm afraid that I'll have gained 10 pounds and no one will ever love me because I'm fat, but what does it matter, because that's what's going to happen anyway. Oh great, now I'm crying again.

Oh, and the worst part of it was in health last year. We finally went over eating disorders and body image and the entire time, I could just feel everyone staring at me. It was horrible. And then we had to watch a video on it, and I already ran out of the room crying. It's the worst thing, trying to hold in tears at school, when you can just feel everyone judging you for something they know nothing about. Yeah, they know the technicalities about it, but not about how it's caused or how it makes you feel. How people make you feel.