Pocrescophobia

Coming here has been one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I've been able to sit around and think a lot, and I'm under a lot less stress. Plus, someone even asked me out. Me. I thought it was impossible. But I thought what the hell and went. It was this guy named Myles, and he seems pretty cool. He's one of Tamryn's friends. Tamryn is now my best friend at this school. Though no one can take Cheyenne's place.

But he seems cool and all, I just don't really like him that much. He's a great guy, funny, definitely not bad-looking, and smart, but I just don't feel anything when I'm with him. I keep going out with him though because what if no one else ever likes me and I'll be alone forever? Might as well try to stay with someone who miraculously likes me. I wonder how long he'll like me. I wonder if I'll ever like him back. I high doubt it, but why not try to stick it out and see? Besides, people aren't lining up to take me on a date. I'm fine with someone who's nice to be around.

Speaking of him, we're about to hang out in a couple of minutes. Is it bad that I always sort of dread it? Probably. Oh well. It's not too bad. Just really awkward on my part. He usually just eats it up. I always feel really bad when I'm with it. Like guilty. But it also takes my mind off things. I feel really bad that I only use Myles as a distraction from my problems, but by this point, I'm desperate. And he works. But for how long, I wonder.

Ding dong. I hear the doorbell from my room and sigh, standing up slowly. I've been feeling really weak lately. Probably due to the fact that I've been eating less and less, contrary to my aunt and uncle's beliefs. Also, I have anemia and it makes me feel even weaker and more exhausted. And I forget to take my iron supplements a lot.

Anyway, I make my way downstairs and open the door to reveal a smiling Myles. I offer a small smile back. Thankfully, he doesn't hug me, like he probably would've if I hadn't made it very clear that I don't like being touched to everyone. I feel bad for him. He deserves someone who lets him touch him and hug him. He doesn't deserve someone fucked up like me. He deserves someone skinny and perfect and who clicks with his personality and who will like him back. But I'm too selfish to tell him no.

This time that we're going out, it's with a few other friends, so it'll be less awkward, which I'm thankful for. I'm not sure what we're doing yet though. Myles leads me out to his car and we soon pull up to a restaurant. Uh oh. Hopefully I can just slide by through this meal without having any attention on me. Quickly, we find the other few people and sit down together in a booth. As everyone orders their drinks, Myles starts to slide closer to me, which makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, so I slide over a little bit to where I'm sitting closer to Tamryn. He doesn't notice. Whew.

The next few minutes are spent with the babble of friends as I sit in the background, barely listening to everyone, which is what I'm comfortable with. They don't really seem to be paying that much attention to me, which I am again thankful for. But as everyone starts to pick out what I want, Myles turns to me with bright blue eyes.

"What do you want?" he asks softly, pointing to the menu. I shrug, looking through the menu. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nothing that I can eat without feeling horrible.

"I'm not really that hungry," I say, putting the menu. Please, please buy it. "No, really, it's fine. Get anything you want. You look hungry," he pushes gently. No, don't do this now. I just shake my head stubbornly. "No, really, I'm fine."

"You're sure," he says after a minute. I nod my head. And right as he's about to drop it, my fucking stomach growls. You traitorous little fuck. "Okay, now you're definitely hungry. Come on, just get something." Oh, hell no.

"Myles, honestly, I'm fine. I just don't want anything, okay? Just drop it," I say, and then everyone starts to look at me. Oh, come on, honestly? "Arden, please? Just get something," he responds. Oh, he's not gonna give up, is he? Well, I'm fucking done. I don't even wanna be here anyway. "I fucking said I'm not hungry! Stop pushing it on me!" I growl, pushing my way through the booth and running out the door. I hear the door behind me open and close, and then a voice calls out my name repeatedly. Yeah, like I'm going back. I quickly disappear, near running into the nearby woods. I'm too weak to run, however stupid that sounds. As relieved I am that no one follows me, I soon become scared as I realise that I have no idea where I am and I have no ride. After a few minutes of wandering, I finally make it out of the small woods and back into the town, where I sit cross-legged outside of a Walmart and call my aunt. She doesn't ask any questions and comes to pick me up within minutes.

I sit in her car while she drives, close to hyperventilating. I didn't even realise that I'd worked myself up so much until now. The rest of the day is spent ignoring Myles and the rest of my friends' many texts and calls as I sit alone in my room, blasting music through my earbuds and lighting multiple candles to try to calm myself down. It's no use trying not to think of it, so might as well do something relaxing while I do get lost in my thoughts.

Well, that was a complete fiasco.