Pocrescophobia

What. The. Fuck. I can't even function properly, not even enough to push him off of me.Maybe I don't really want to because it feels nice. What the hell does he think he's doing? He's just going to get close to me, and then get me vulnerable, and crush me. I wouldn't put it past him. He's been going out of his way to make my life miserable as long as I've known him. Finally, I get my senses back, and I push him off of me, staring at him wide-eyed, unable to even make words. I still can't say anything though.

But the look of shock and rage on my face doesn't stop him from pulling me into a tight hug, nearly forcing the breath from my lungs. After a minute or so of him just hugging the shit out of me, I finally push him away, rage filling me to the brim. Who the fuck does he think he is?

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I shout, completely enraged. How fucking dare he? "I can't even--" He just cuts me off again, this time grabbing my hand and dragging me away from the dead silent, shocked parking lot to his car, nearly forcing me inside and then starting to the car. The car screeches as he drives away. Oh god, what is he going to do now? Take me deep into the middle of nowhere, rape me, and leave me? Murder me? Kiss me? I don't even know by this point.

"Look, I don't know what you're trying to--" I start, crossing my arms over my chest and glaring at Cyan. Like every other time, he cuts me off. Will he ever let me finish fucking talking. "Just calm down until we get to my house. I swear I'll explain everything there," is all he says before forcing us into an uncomfortable silence. Great.

Minutes later, we arrive outside of the small looking house, and I just pout, getting out of the car with a slam. He has no fucking right. No fucking right at all. Fucking kissing me in front of the entire school after making my life a complete hell for years, then kidnapping me from school. Well, he'd better fucking explain like he said, because I am not going to deal with this bullshit. I know exactly what he's going to do. He's going to come up with a bunch of shit, then he'll get me vulnerable, then he'll break me. What else could I expect?

Plus, I would never be able to trust him. Ever. There's no way I could just naïvely trust the guy who's been ruining my life for years. I'm not that stupid.

So, he leads me into his house, looking back at me with a shy smile, the little shit. Who does he think he's fooling? Once we're in the living room, I plop myself down on the couch, staring up at him with a blank expression.

"So..." he says, looking nervous. Oh, hell no. "So? So?! Why would you fucking do that, Cyan? What are you playing at?! You thought you hadn't ruined my life enough, so you thought you'd get close to me and then break me down? Well, I'm not falling for that shit. Not now, not ever.

He looks up me with these resigned puppy dog eyes. "I swear, that's not what I was doing when I kissed you, Arden. I fucking swear. It sounds stupid and cliché and totally untrue, but I've changed. Hell, ask anyone and they'll tell you," he pleads. I just huff, looking at my fucked up nails. "Whatever, Cyan."

"Look, that day, when I saw the look in your eyes and when I saw what I've unknowingly done to you over the years, I just... something inside of me snapped. And god, I know you won't believe me and it's really late, but I'm so fucking sorry for everything that I've done to you. I just... I'm so sorry," Cyan says, and I notice that tears are welling in his eyes. Hell, maybe he actually is sorry. Or he's just acting. I don't even know anymore! Something in me wants to comfort him though. Wait, why the fuck would I want to comfort him? I bet that's just what he wants, to confuse the fuck out of me.

"The way you looked, the fear on your face, it just... If you don't believe, then I'll tell you something that I've never told anyone before," he starts. I begin to look away again, not wanting to hear it. "Just listen." I look back up at him. Might as well hear him out. "So, when I was younger, I used to be bullied. For what? Everything. Every time I'd fuck up something, even slightly, they'd all be there, tormenting me for it. Hell, even in fucking kindergarten, people still hated me. This went on until a few years ago, when I finally fucking got tired of it. I was convinced that there was nothing good about my fucking life. So, one day, I just snapped. My mom walked in on me one day while I was downing pills like candies, so once I got my stomach pumped, she got a job switch and we moved. Hope to start over new and that shit. And I guess that once I moved, I decided to change things. I decided that I would never be the one bullied again, even if that meant hurting others. And once it started, it was difficult to stop. But that day, when I saw the look in your eyes... it reminded me of mine on the days that they would fucking ridicule me so badly, I wanted to kill myself. And I got so scared, thinking of how much I would actually fucking miss you if you did."

It's safe to say that I'm completely speechless. I-I don't even know what to think anymore. Can I trust him? Oh god, now I just feel like I need to comfort him, oh poop.

"Do you believe me now?" he asks, his voice breaking, getting closer to crying with every word he speaks. My eyes meet his and I search them, looking for anything. But I can't find anything but guilt and melancholy. "I don't really know what to believe anymore, Cyan," I whisper, looking down at my trembling hands.

"Could you at least give me a chance to prove that I've changed? I know I don't deserve one, but please. Not even as like, relationship, just as friends, if you want. Just please," he begs. Oh, fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this.

"Okay, but just as friends. And don't expect me to just fucking tell you all of my secrets, okay?" I say, trying to ignore the feeling that I get in my tummy when a bright smile takes over his face. I can't believe I'm actually doing this.