Pocrescophobia

Oh plop, he actually agreed! I feel like happiness has just formed a ball in my innards and is threatening to violently burst out of my stomach, instantly sending me into a painful, torturous, joyful death. So I guess all I can really do is just... be his friend. Until he finally believes that I'm not a dick anymore. And then we can get straight to the hxc gay sex. Not really. No, no, I just realised that I'm gay, I'm not going to go ahead and go straight to butt sex, no no no.

And what if he doesn't like me, you say? Well, I'll just prove to him that I'm such an amazing friend and person that he'll have no choice but to want to be my boyfriend, plus I'm totally gorgeous. He'll definitely like me. Plus, if I want something, then I get it. And I definitely want him.

It's weird that I'm not even concerned whatsoever about spilling my biggest secret--well, one of them--to someone I barely know. Man, I didn't even tell Lauren until like we were a year into our friendship. Yet I feel completely okay with it. It's like I trust him not to tell anyone. Even though it'll probably take him months, maybe years, to trust me, I do it without a second thought. Oh, good job, Cyan. Good job. But I just have this feeling that he won't betray me, even though I've caused him so much pain.

Oh butt, I wonder if he'll ever forgive me for that. I doubt it, seeing as I haven't even forgiven myself... I probably will, with time.

So, I turn to the confused--and adorable--looking boy, giving him a huge grin that he glares at as he pouts. He really is so adorable.

"Well, what do you suggest we do now that you kidnapped me from school, genius? Or maybe I should just go home..." he says saucily. "No, no, no, don't go. Um, I mean, do you wanna do something, or just like, hang out, y'know? Try to... start over?" I suggest gently, hoping that he won't blow up. He struggles to make a decision, but nods eventually. "Uh, sure. So, like, stay here and talk or whatever, or go somewhere?" I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know, let's just take a walk. See where it goes." With his assent, we head out of the door, and I immediately shed my jacket at the warm climate.

"Hot damn, it's warm," I comment, throwing my jacket back inside the house quickly. I look at him, holding my hand out in case he wants me to put some of his jackets inside. But he shakes his head. "I'm fine." I raise an eyebrow at him. "Hmm, really? Come on, just take some of the jackets off. I swear, I won't judge you. I'll even pinky promise you," I push, trying to determine how comfortable he is with me. After a few silent moments of him biting his lip and fumbling around with his fingers, finally, he nods, taking off most of the jackets, but leaving the last one on. I wasn't even expecting that much. Maybe this'll be a little easier than I thought. Hopefully. The sooner I can get him in my arms, the better.

Goddamn, he's so tiny. I just hope that one day, I can get him to see himself as beautiful; how beautiful I see him. But I really think that I can, if I try hard enough. If I try long enough. If I finally get him to trust me.

Trying to divert the attention away from his figure, I quickly come up with a question. Not the most original one, but still. "So, what's your favorite color?" He thinks a bit, chewing on his lip a little. Oh, it's such a bad--yet cute--habit. "Hmm, probably silver. You?" I tap my chin, not having to think that much. "I would say cyan, but that'd be stupid, so... indigo." His head bobs up and down as he registers the answer in his brain. "Favorite word?" he asks. I think for a second. "Obsidian." He hums in agreement. "I like that one. But I love fortnight."

And for the next few hours, we just go back and forth between questions, avoiding the more serious ones, and keeping at surface level, pointless ones. Once we hit music, however, we don't stray from the subject. I can feel that he feels as passionately about it as I do. Dear Glob, he's so amazing. Why couldn't I have gotten to know him earlier? Well, I guess some things just weren't meant to be. I guess everything happens for a reason. Whether it's fair or not. For the universe to be in balance, there must be both reward and sacrifice. And I guess we just have to wait for the reward, because honestly, I don't know if I can handle any more sacrifice.