Pocrescophobia

The ride to my house is awkward and nearly silent apart from the music softly playing in the background. After a few minutes of awkward silence, we finally pull up to my house, causing me to let out a breath of relief.

"So, uh, see ya," I murmur, wanting to just get home and relax as soon as possible. Right before I can get out, however, Cyan stops me.

"Hey, do you wanna hang out again this weekend?" he asks. I think for a little while, mulling it over in my head. Ugh, why not? I'm already in too deep in this train wreck of a friendship. "Sure."

=

I scroll through my dashboard on Tumblr with glazed eyes dimmed by the room devoid of any light. My mouth subconsciously hums along to the song playing as I get lost in my thoughts, such as I've been doing for these past days. Hey, can you blame? I mean, I've been confused, ugh. All of these thoughts going through my head at once. Should I be doing this, giving him a chance? Does he really want to be my friend, or is he just going to hurt me? Does he actually like me? Do I like him back? What the fuck do I do?

The only thing I can really do is just kind of go with it and see what happens. And, of course, not tell him all of my deepest, darkest secrets. I've been going over it all in my head, and what I do know is that I do like hanging out with this new Cyan. Even if he's fake and Cyan's just playing me (which I'm still expecting), it doesn't mean that I don't like an attractive--yes, I'll admit it, he is attractive, so sue me--guy focusing on me completely. Yeah, Myles did also, but it just... feels different. I don't really wanna think about it too much because I'm afraid that I'll realise something that I don't want to realise.

=

The blare of my alarm breaks through my slumber and I awake to a dark room as usual. Well, time to get ready, I guess. Ugh, what's the point? Nobody cares anyway. I don't care. All I wear are my fucking huge jackets so nobody can see my fucking fat, and nobody looks past them. Why even wear a shirt? Fuck shirts, I'm not wearing a shirt. Good choice, Arden. Your first decision of the day.

But as time passes and I start to actually wake up, I feel significantly weaker and more tired. Hmm, oh well. It just means that not eating is working and I'm losing weight. So I don't really have that much of a problem with it, other than it makes me feel like complete shit.

I barely remember Chey picking me up and driving me to school because I'm in a daze. I barely feel it when Cyan meets Chey and I halfway and he leads me away from my best friend. Even though I don't know it, she gives him a small nod for standing up for me. I stare at Cyan as he talks with eyes half-lidded with exhaustion, even though I went to bed early last night. Oh, today is not going to be good.

Half of the day passes by me without me noticing, and before I know it, I'm walking with Cyan with our lunches in our hands, heading outside. He turns to me to say something, but stops short as my eyes roll back in my head and I fall to the ground, completely unconscious. All is black in my world.