Pocrescophobia

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Oh glob, is it time to wake up for school? I can't open my eyes though; it feels like my eyelids weigh a thousand pounds. Even moving at all is a challenge. What happened? After what seems like hours, I finally manage to force my eyelids open. The first thing I see is my dad and brother sitting in chairs near my bed while Mom stands by the window, looking out. I try to reach for them, to get their attention, but I'm too weak to do anything. Finally, they notice.

"Arden!" Mom screams, running to my side immediately and effectively waking up John and Dad with her shrill voice. "Oh, my poor baby, we were so worried. What happened? Oh, I know what happened," she starts before rambling on about nonsense. I stop her by holding my hand up, gesturing to my throat. With a gasp, she rushes outside and comes back a minute later with a small cup of water in her hand. As she hands me the cup, I give her a small smile and down it.

"W-What happened? How long've I been here?" I rasp out. Mom looks sympathetically down at me and takes my cup, handing it to John for him to refill it. "About a day. You fainted yesterday at school. Some kid called the ambulance and they brought you in. Honey, you really need to eat more. I know you don't want to, but you need to. You're not getting enough nutrients, and you're ruining your body. I know that you don't see it, but you are a beautiful boy, and you don't need to be doing this to yourself. So, either you start eating more, and we'll postpone the rehab to the summer or even postpone it forever if you keep eating, or we send to you to a facility as soon as you get out. It's your choice, and you get time to think, but you really need to think it over," she explains, Dad giving us a solemn look behind her. I nod, looking back at her. Oh fuck. Great. What do I fucking do?

"Oh, and honey, there's someone here to see you. He's been here ever since you came here." I know who it is already. Ugh. "Now, we can only let him in if you're okay with him being in here, so, his name is Cyan, and he says that you know him and needs to see you, so, is he okay to be in here?" she asks. I give a deep sigh, nodding slightly. "Yeah, he's fine." Well, I can't tell him to go away, can I? I mean, he's been here since I got in here. That's just rude to tell him to fuck off like that, even if he did mess me up. Plus, he has been pretty amazing to me, sticking up for me and getting everyone else to lie off of me. With one last look, she tells him that he's fine, and the thing I know, I'm being wrapped into the arms of none other than Cyan.

"Oh my fucking--I can't even--I was so fucking worried. Don't you ever do that again, okay? I just fucking got you back, I'm not letting you go again," he whispers into my messy hair. A minute of nearly suffocating me later, he pulls back and I see his eyes are watery, like he's about to start crying. I nod into his chest as he pulls me back in. "Okay." I don't know why I said it, but I feel like I needed to. It just... feels nice to have someone care for me in this way. To have someone care about me that's not in an obligatory way.

"How do you feel?" he asks me. "I feel like shit. Physically and emotionally," I state simply but truly. "I just feel like shit. I feel like I'm going to fucking break down any minute. I feel a panic attack coming on soon. I feel fucking horrible," I continue, starting to feel the panic attack that's been hiding deep inside me for the past few weeks. And it's coming out now. Great. Fucking wonderful. Cyan's bright blue eyes widen as he seems to recognise the state I'm in. He back away a little to where he's not touching me. Oh no, please, no, don't leave me alone here.

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I can't stand being alone when I have my own." My own? He has panic attacks? "Yeah, yeah, I know, I have panic attacks. It's... I'm not going to explain this right now, but I know what you're going through." How is he basica--whatever. I guess he just really knows what I'm going through. As I feel it start to really come, my heart starts to really race and I curl up into myself as Cyan talks to me soothingly from beside me. I can barely hear what he's saying, but whatever it is, is actually pretty comforting. Yeah, it doesn't stop it or anything like that, but it makes it just a little better than the others. Plus, I hate being completely alone when I have these. And I'm always alone when I do.

"It'll be okay. Just breathe, let it out. It'll be okay," is all I can really remember about that entire time.

=

It's been about two days since I've woken up, and seeing as I'm leaving in a few hours, I have to come to my decision soon. How could they even expect me to fucking make this decision this quickly? Well, guess it's better that they gave me a choice instead of just sending me to it immediately. I mean, I sort of do want to go. I want to feel good about myself. But then again, there's the other part of me that tells me to stall for as long as possible. I can't really tell which will win yet.

=

"Okay, Arden. It's time to choose. Stay and try to eat, or go to the facility?" Mom asks finally. I can tell that she wants me to go as soon as possible. She even showed me the website of the place, and it's really not that bad, but still. The two sides of me are still arguing, but it's obvious which one is winning. As Mom and Dad expectantly stare at me, I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts one last time.

"I, um... I guess that... I, uh, want to..." I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, then opening them again. "I want to go."