Pocrescophobia

It's been a few days since Arden was released from the hospital, and right now, I'm helping him pack the last of his stuff. Even though I really don't want him to go, just when he started to not hate me as much (I hope), I'm really happy that he's willingly admitting that he needs help and is taking the help. I hold a sense of optimism that he'll get better. Or at least start to get better.

Because, let's be honest, it'll be best for him to get better by himself. To learn it himself, rather than me force it into his head. He needs to realise that he's doing bad things to himself, physically and emotionally, and that he's really a beautiful person. Also, I've realised that people shouldn't depend on others. I'm only 17, and having him completely depend on me would be too much for both of us. And maybe I wouldn't be able to help him at all. Maybe I'd end up fucking it up. Maybe nothing would work out that I thought it would.

But maybe it would. Oh, hush. He needs to do this on his own. He needs to overcome this, with our help. And I am definitely going to help. I'll be visiting every single chance I possibly can. Because he is going to get better, and I will prove myself to him, and we will get together and live happily ever after. No exceptions. Nope. This will happen, and things will finally work out for the two of us, because I am sick and tired of this shit just not happening for us, because the two of us deserve happiness finally. Hell, even if it's not with me, he deserves to be happy, and even if it's not with him, I deserve it, too. Although I do really, really prefer if it was him, because, honestly I don't want anyone else.

"So, that's it," I report to Arden. He gazes over at me vacantly, nodding lightly. Sighing slightly, I rise from my sitting position on the floor and walk over to him, sitting myself down next to him on his bed. Without further ado, I wrap my arm around his shoulders and lean him into my side.

"Are you okay? Nervous?" I ask the despondent boy. He tilts his head up, pouting his lips cutely and staring into my eyes with his own, nodding at the same time. I chuckle a little, hugging him closer. "Hey, it'll be okay. You'll be fine." Again, he just looks up at me. "What if that's what's wrong? What if I don't want to be fine?"

"Well, then we'll still support you. No matter what happens, there will always be us here that love you and care for you, and we'll keep helping you to get better, even if it takes years. No matter what, we'll finally get you to love yourself the way that we love you. To finally get you to see how perfect and beautiful you really are. I know it sounds really--" I don't get to finish my sentence, because Jesus Christ, what? I never thought that this would actually happen, but Arden actually kissed me. Holy shit. It only takes seconds for me to come out of my state of shock and start to respond. I can't even think about anything except for holy shit.

When finally, a lifetime later, we pull away, I just stare at him, still rubbing his cheek lightly. Arden looks down, blushing brilliantly and pulling his bottom lip into his mouth to chew on. "Sorry," he whispers, trying to hide his face with his dark hair. "It's fine, really. Really," I say, emphasizing the really.

"Ugh, it's not. Sorry, I'm just really confused right now and emotional, and you're always just being really nice to me and I don't really know what to do anymore or think anymore because I mean, before, it was horrible, and now, you're just really sweet and like what am I supposed to do? I mean, you're sweet, you're smart, you're funny, you're attractive, but there's this part of me that's just so confused, and then, sorry, I just had to and ugh, you probably hate me now and--" He rambles on for about a minute before I just lean over and cut him off with another kiss.

"Hey, no, it's fine Arden. Really. I don't hate you. Not at all. Hell, ever since you left, I haven't been able to even think about anyone else but you. Just thinking about a day when I'd be able to hug and kiss you and girly shit like that made me feel better. I completely understand your confusion. Before I started liking you, I thought I was straight, and then boom! I don't know anymore. I promise I won't pressure you into being in a relationship with me or anything. I understand if you wanna take time and shit to try to figure it out and then tell me when you're ready," I assure him calmly. Arden finally looks back up at me and just shakes his head.

"As much as I hate to say it, Cyan, I think that I'll only get more confused as I think about it more. I'm pretty sure of what I want though," he muttered shyly. I stare into his cinnamon brown eyes. "And that is?" He's hesitant for a minute before he finally responds, his cheeks blazing. "I just know that I'm going to end up regretting this, but you. I want you."

Is this a dream?

=

Turns out, it wasn't a dream. We're now on the way to the facility early in the morning. I sit awake in the backseat as Arden leans on me, sleeping soundly. I have my arm wrapped around his shoulders and I consistently run my fingers through his hair, brushing his bangs out of his forehead every few seconds. I can't believe that this is actually happening. Yeah, I knew it would, but I thought that it'd only be after a long period of time after I've already earned his trust. But he explained that he'd gone over it multiple times in his head, and although he thinks that he's stupid for doing it and knows that he'll regret it because I'll end up betraying him, he decided to take a chance because I'm just so perfect. Well, he didn't say it exactly like that, but shh. That doesn't matter. I'm just glad that he's doing it at all.

And it sucks that it was now because things will be a little more difficult with him being away for a while. But still, I wouldn't have it any other way, because if it was any other way, I wouldn't be with him. Plus, it'll give us a chance to really just go slow with it and get to know each other and trust each other. I mean, there's no jumping into a relationship like this.

It's a few hours later that Arden finally wakes up, stretching slightly and yawning cutely, blinking his eyes multiple times sleepily. Jesus Christ Superstar, he is perfection. Finally, he looks over at me with half-lidded eyes and smiles slightly.

"Hey," I murmur. "Hey," he greets back shyly. I just want to shrink him down and carry him in my pocket all the time. Literally. "How did you sleep?" I question. He shrugs slightly. "It was pretty good. Better than my others actually. I've been having really bad nightmares recently," he tells me, careful to whisper so that his parents don't hear. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask. He shakes his head. "Not here at least. I don't really want--" he moves his head in the direction of his quiet parents. I nod knowingly. "Okay. But if you're ever having nightmares, you can call me. I promise. Or text. Whatever you want. Don't worry about waking me up or anything. I don't want you to suffer when I can help in any way, okay?" Arden nods at me, yawning again. "Okay. I think that I'm going to go to sleep again though," he murmurs out sleepily. I chuckle at him and nod, wrapping my arms around him again. He falls asleep within seconds.

=

About three hours later, we finally pull up to the large building, and I feel Arden tense up substantially. I rub his arm slightly. "It'll be okay," I whisper to him, giving him an encouraging look. He gives me a small nod, and with a deep breath, he opens the car door and stands up unsteadily on the concrete. His parents start to walk towards the entrance after seeing that he's okay and I walk silently beside him, giving him the courage he needs to make it through this. We make it inside finally, and his parents talk to the bored looking receptionist for a few minutes before a friendly looking woman comes up and takes us all through all of the parts of this place. The cafeteria, the rec room, shit like that, and then finally, Arden's room. Once she explains some of the rules, the woman leaves us alone to help Arden unpack and say our final goodbyes.

We help him unpack about half of his things before his parents announce that they need to be getting back home to drop me off and stuff. Many tearful minutes later, they go out to start to the car and then leave me alone with him. Tears are still in his eyes as he faces me. Not much is said as I walk up to him again and then embrace the quivering boy, inhaling his intoxicating scent one last time.

"I'm really proud of you, y'know? We all are. You can do this, Arden," I murmur in his ear, nuzzling my nose into his hair. And then, he just loses it all and breaks down sobbing. To be honest, so do I.

Finally, we both calm down enough to stop the tears falling, and reluctantly pull away. "I'll text you every day at least, I promise," I tell him, wiping away the tear marks on his pale, sunken in cheeks. "Pinky promise?" he asks innocently, holding up his pinky. I laugh shortly, hooking my pinky with his. "Pinky promise."