Pocrescophobia

As soon as Cyan finally left, I curled up on my bed and laid there, silently crying for almost an hour, just thinking things over. Thinking about how stupid I was to trust him so early, but I want to so badly, I want him and how fucking terrified I am about being left here all alone where everyone will probably end up hating me and about just how scared I am. Needless to say, it was one of the worst hours I've ever endured.

But finally a while later, I pick myself up and walk blankly over to my suitcase and pick up the last of my clothes and put them away. I methodically pick things up and put away until I finally finish two hours later. At that point, I have no idea what to do whatsoever. I don't even know what to do at all. I've never been so out of my element and lost.

Finally, someone breaks me out of my pity party by walking into the room. It's a boy I've never seen before. Hmm, he must be my roommate. For a few moments, we just sit there, staring at each other awkwardly. But then, he walks forward to me, sticking his hand out. In a strong voice, he explains, "Hey. You must be the new kid. I'm Kendrick." I nod at him, shaking his hand. "I'm Arden," I reply meekly.

"Not much of a talker?" he asks, to which I shrug. He nods understandingly. "Okay, well, there's not really that many rules here, and Diane probably already told you them, right?" I nod, vaguely remembering the few rules like lights out at 11 and you're not allowed to leave the table until you've eaten at least half of your plate. Then therapy sessions, and we can go out every other weekend, but only unchaperoned if we've been doing well. Shit like that. It seems pretty fair, I guess. Better than the other harsher places that I looked up.

"Well, then, Arden, welcome to hell." Aw shit.

=

So, I've been here for about two days, and it's not that bad really. Well, it kind of it, seeing as I've been having really bad breakdowns and panic attacks, but the place itself isn't that bad... I was introduced to some of the people there, a few girls and one other guy (not including Kendrick). The girls are Ashlie, a really pretty, really arrogant rich girl, Harmony, probably my favorite girl here because she's really sweet and quiet and we're alike in a lot of ways, then there's Rebekah, the sassy, overconfident girl that we're all surprised is here, and then finally, Cora, the mother figure of all of us. Oh, I forgot the guy. Marshall. I like to call him Marshall Lee, like Adventure Time, but he doesn't get it because he doesn't watch it. It just makes it even better though.

I do miss... people though. People like my parents and Chey and my friends and... Cyan. Although he has been texting me every day for long periods of time. And he and my parents are coming to visit in two weeks. It's the only thing I'm looking forward to now. Oh, joy, time for dinner, and a panic attack that will surely come soon after, like they've been. Because of this, I've been spending a lot of time in the therapist's office. But I haven't even told her why I'm this way. I just... hate thinking about it. Remembering the things they said, how I felt. I hate it.

I've also been journaling at nights when Kendrick's not in the room and I have some peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and lay them out on a page. Speaking of Kendrick, he's been really cool to me, like helping me through my panic attacks and we'll hang out sometimes. I mean, I don't like him or anything, but he's a cool dude. Plus, he's straight, and I like Cyan. Well, time to go to the cafeteria for some mediocre nourishment.

=

I'm sitting at a table filled with the people I know. I happen to be seated in between Cora and Kendrick, while I'm forced to stare across at the painful image of Ashlie glaring at me. I don't even know what I did to her. As soon as she saw me, she just... hated me. The other girls assure me that she does this a lot, but it doesn't make me feel any better, honestly. Also, the others told me that she's jealous of my body. I don't know why she would be. She's freaking tiny. And gorgeous. And I'm just plain ole Arden. Nothing special. I should be the one jealous. Hell, I am the one jealous. But whenever I try to say that, the girls just cut me off, saying that we're not allowed to talk like that. Whatever.

"So, Arden, what do you like to do?" Rebekah asks me cheerily, her bright green eyes lighting up with excitement. I merely shrug at her. "Not much, really. I like listening to music and I write. And I have a Tumblr." And that sparks her interest. "Oh my God, so do I! I have to follow you, what's your url? Ugh, this is so awesome, none of these other losers understand Tumblr. It's really not that hard," she rambles on delightedly. After giggling shortly (shut up), I give her my url and she squeals in excitement.

"You're so awesome. I'm totally gonna follow you. Don't worry, I'm not one of those depression blogs or anything like that," she tells me. "I didn't expect you to be," I reply, causing everyone to laugh, including Harmony, who's reading a book and half ignoring us. To be honest, I'm only really making an effort so that I can distract myself from the pile of nefarious carbs in front of me.

As time goes by and everyone else is almost finished with their food, I just stare down at mine with barely a dent in it. I've only taken two bites and it feels like more than enough, physically and emotionally. But Marshall stares at me, silently pushing me to take more bites so that we don't have to sit here all night. I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes a little, a thing I've seemed to do for every meal, and put the piece of food in my mouth reluctantly. As I chew slowly, there's something in me that just begs me to spit it out as soon as possible and run away run away get away before it can do anything please we've worked so hard for this, while the other side is begging me to eat more, to finally give in the hunger residing in me for years now. Well, I guess I don't really have a choice anymore. I have to eat.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts as an elbow nudges me in the side subtly. My eyes wander over to see both Kendrick and Marshall nodding, smiling encouragingly at me. This is nice. Well, nicer that having to be the glaring target of an angry teenage girl.

Oh, another thing, they made me take off all of my jackets. Well, all except one that I begged for them to let me keep. But I just feel so... naked without them on. I hate feeling naked and vulnerable like this, like anyone can tear me down. Like anyone will tear me down. It's gotten a little more bearable, but that's really saying something, seeing as I nearly broke the guy's hand as he tried to take off my last jacket to take. Well, it's been an eventful two days, and I don't know what'll happen in the future, but I just... I hope that it'll be good.